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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about a doll's house.

153 replies

Cathycomehome · 13/11/2011 22:57

I own a very beautiful handmade doll's house, which was my Christmas present from my parents when I was 4 or 5. My friend, who is not terribly well off, needs a doll's house for her kids for Christmas. My son played with my doll's house when he was little, but is now eleven years old and obviously will not play with it again.My brother is expecting first child in January.

So it's MY doll's house, but I store it at my mum's as I have no use for it and she has a big house.

I told my friend she can have it on a long term loan, no problem, and I might want it back later, so it's a long term loan. She was delighted.

Phoned my mum - she said "No way! It's a beautiful hand made piece, and I'm saving it for SIL's baby!" My friend is broke and needs a doll's house.I have one. It belongs to me. No one is playing with it. My brother's baby will not need it for at least 4 years, and my very responsible friend knows it is a loan,and has even offered to pay a deposit for it, which I have said there is no need to do.

I intend to lend it against my mum's wishes- am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

betterwhenthesunshines · 14/11/2011 12:46

It's a very kind thought but I think your mum is being quite reasonable wanting to keep it in the family.

The other thing is that half the point of a dolls house is that you can maybe change it/ add new wallpaper / alter the furniture etc. Even if your friend started with quite a basic box dolls house surely she would have fun with her children adding to it and collecting all the pieces. May be more fun than borrowing a fully formed house IYSWIM.

TandB · 14/11/2011 13:51

I am on the fence on his one. I can understand your mother not wanting it to leave the family, but ultimately it belongs to you so she doesn't get to make the final decision. Unless it was only on loan to you in her view, in which case what is wrong with it being on loan to someone else?

If you do decide to lend it, I think you should do it at a time other than Christmas to avoid confusing the children who are going to receive it as a Christmas gift.

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 14/11/2011 17:35

Well,I don't know again now - my mum is really upset about it - she phoned me tonight to tell me so.

Bloody Hell, I never thought a flipping doll's house would cause this much hassle! When my friend mentioned her kids really wanted one, I just thought "Oh- that's handy - I've got one that's gathering dust!"

OP posts:

rockinhippy · 14/11/2011 17:58

YABU & YANBU - your Mother has a good & very valid point, one that you would be unwise to ignore, but it is YOURS, so at the end of the day, the choice of who to give it to is of course ultimately yours, not your Mums

However, I do think you would be VERY foolish to think you can give it to your friend as a "long term loan" & expect to get it back - & her offering a deposit stinks - in years to come she when her DC doesn't want to part with it, or shes had more DCs, etc & doesn't want to give it back, she will remember that as her buying it - I have learnt the hard way, in situations like this, there is no such thing as a loan - you will be VERY unlikely to get it back I have lost lots of DDs baby stuff that way, all intened as loaned & returned to pass onto my Cousin - I got NONE of the good stuff back, in a few instances I got very poor quality replacements instead

you either give it outright - or not at all, as not only will it be the end of your dolls house, but no doubt your friendship too

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 14/11/2011 18:01

Could you pick up a cheap house and give that to your friend furnished with all the nice stuff you bought - your mother has no claim on that as you bought it all for your DS.

That way your mother keeps the house (that she bought) for a future grandchild and your friend still gets a great gift.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 14/11/2011 18:03

It would also mean that your friend's children never have to give back their gift.

LoveInAColdClimate · 14/11/2011 18:09

I haven't read the thread properly but I would be very wary of lending something precious and fragile to anyone, especially when it's something handmade and with memories attached that is basically irreplaceable... I woudn't want to borrow it, either.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 14/11/2011 18:18

OP if you are anywhere in Cheshire then I have a pink wooden castle from the early learning which is in very good condtion and you are welcome to have for free for your friend.

GerardWay · 14/11/2011 18:40

My DS (now 19) has a lovely hand built puppet theatre. DD (now 14) a beautiful hand built 4 storey dolls house. They were presents to them from new but I would be devastated I know that sounds over the top if either of them chose to give or loan them to someone else. In my mind they will be passed down from generation to generation in our family.

GerardWay · 14/11/2011 18:43

And I have just told them that to save any confusion in the future.

LittleJennyRobyn · 14/11/2011 18:46

Sorry OP i'm with your mum on this one for all of those reasons already stated.

You cannot possibly go against your mum now knowing how upset she is, even though it's technically your doll's house.
It obviously means more to your mum than it does to you...i can relate to this as i have a family dolls house. It has great sentimental value.

Apologise to your friend stating why she cannot have it, i'm sure she will understand.

And take up Ragdoll's kind offer if you can

PelvicF1oorOfSteel · 14/11/2011 19:13

Is it the same brother who chewed the furniture who is now having a baby? I can kind of see why that might put you off sending it in his direction!

I can totally understand wanting toys to be played with, rather than stored gathering dust, but it's only going to be a short time until your DN is likely to enjoy the house. If your mum has played with the house with 2 of her children and 1 grandchild I can see why she's very attached to it, whatever your or anyone else's opinion about getting attached to objects, she is and it's her feelings you'd be hurting by giving it away. You want to do something generous, which is lovely,but in this case the hurt caused would outweigh the generosity. Your Mum is almost certainly going to be more upset by the loss of the house than your friend is going to be happy to have it.

If you buy the Asda (or ebay) house for your friend and let your mum keep yours in the family it'll keep everyone happy. Isn't that what's important regardless of the rights and wrongs of who actually owns it?

pictish · 14/11/2011 19:22

See OP - told you so!

If I were your mother I'd be upset too.

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 14/11/2011 20:28

I'll tell my friend the situation - she wouldn't want to upset my mum either.

Ragdoll - I have messaged you!

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 14/11/2011 20:59

Just a quick question . . . what age does everyone think those sort of houses are suitable up til?

(sorry for hijack)

sunnydelight · 14/11/2011 21:14

I don't think it's worth upsetting your mum over tbh. Yes, it is yours, but there is every chance that it will never come back. What do you do in a few years time when it has become something precious in your friend's family, will you actually have the heart to take away what could have become your friend's kids favourite toy? Not worth the grief really, explain to your friend and say sorry you can't help.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 14/11/2011 21:36

I can understand why your mum is upset but I also think she is being very cheeky to assume that she can pass it down to who she chooses. It's not hers to pass down. What if your brothers children ruin it? You won't be able to pass it down to your sons children which you may prefer to do. There is no guarentee that your brother will care for it any better then your friend.

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 14/11/2011 21:41

Well , unfortunately, Ragdoll is too far away to make me paying the postage a sensible thing to do, although I am very grateful for the offer! I don't suppose anyone in the East Midlands has one they would be willing to exchange for a voucher or something for their own kids?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 14/11/2011 21:50

oh this is ridiculous!

op it is YOUR dolls house and you should do what you want with it

everyone saying "oh your friend's kids may break it" newsflash SIL's unborn baby might break it too!!!
it's silly to say she should keep it and give it to them and that's ok, but it's not ok to lend it to someone else.

it is YOUR property and you are not being unreasonable to lend it out, as long as you accept that there is a risk of it being broken (just like your son could have broken it, and just as your niece/nephew may break it)

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 14/11/2011 21:54

thisisyesterday You have put it much better then me!

thisisyesterday · 14/11/2011 21:58

all of you who would be "devastated" if your children gave things away...

perhaps you shouldn't have given those things as presents then? maybe you should have bought them for yourself and let your kids play with them. that way you can keep them in the family.

you don't give people presents on the assumption that they will do what YOU want them to do with it as they get older. that's crazy!

and all the assumptions that the friend won't play with her children, or won't expect them to look after it! where do you all get off? you don't even know this person, or her children.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 14/11/2011 22:00

OP seems to think the friend is pretty trustworthy and has known her 20 years. That sounds good enough to be, especially as it's HER DOLLSHOUSE!

thisisyesterday · 14/11/2011 22:01

OP. i would ring your mum back.,

and I would tell her that you are hoping that one day in the future your son's children will have the house.

as such your brother and SIL will not be allowed to have it in case it gets broken. of course your mum will be fine with that because it's of such sentimental value to her. and as it's YOUR house it's right that it gets passed down to YOUR son.

thisisyesterday · 14/11/2011 22:01

sorry. am getting unreasonably cross over this thread!

I shall go and have a calm down

Original poster

Cathycomehome · 14/11/2011 22:05

Gosh! This thread had talked me round from my instinctive view and now is talking me right back!!

Upsetting mum is still winning though, and I have been made to feel very guilty.

OP posts:

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