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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand the benefits of getting married?

409 replies

RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 18:15

Putting aside the romantic and religious reasons or the big party/lots of presents (lovely as that would be).

What exactly are the benefits of legally being married over just cohabiting, for a woman with children?

DP very definitely doesn't want to get married, I would quite like a big party/lots of presents but am not sure if there is any point to it beyond that.

AIBU? Should I be insisting on a trip to the Register Office?

OP posts:
apachepony · 12/11/2011 19:11

If you're the higher earner, marriage is a v bad idea (says she too late). Would be much better to be unmarried. Though do have traditional views about it being better for kids. As a stepmother, have found I have got more recognition than purely a girlfriend, and has bound me more to sd

Birdsgottafly · 12/11/2011 19:11

usual- if you had gone through my situation, were my DH had to be held under the mental health act because of cancerous brain tumours and being married gave me extended rights that living together wouldn't have done, you would see that it has nothing to do with being smug.

trope · 12/11/2011 19:12

amateurish I didn't know jointly owned property was exempt from the IHT calculations - that's really useful to know - thanks :)

lurkerspeaks perhaps people don't get married "to ensure the best possible outcome for your whole family in the event of a disaster (ie one of you dying)" because it isn't the only way of protecting the family? Wills, naming each other on insurance forms, in some cases pensions (not all pensions restrict to married partners only), buying property jointly etc etc all achieve the same ends and without the ideological baggage that comes with becoming "husband" and "wife". If you want to be married - that's great - go for it, but it simply isn't for everyone and there really aren't that many (or indeed any) reasons for some couples to go through with it.

Shutupanddrive · 12/11/2011 19:12

Thanks birdsgottafly I was wandering why some people were saying that. My dp is on both our dc's birth certificates and were not married (yet!)

apachepony · 12/11/2011 19:12

Meant to say - more recognition as a wife than a girlfriend

SwedishEdith · 12/11/2011 19:13

Well, quite laquitar re your last paragraph.

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:14

usual-was that directed at me? if so then reread my posts please as I never said that. I did say that-for me-being married was important as I believe that it gives more stability for the kids.imo.

I also said I did feel the stigma of illegitamacy growing up-it upset me alot. Also being the child of divorced parents made me even more determined to stick at marriage. These are my own personal experiences-I am not snug about them at all.

Original poster
RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 19:14

Laquitar - agree, the only financial benefit so far seems to be that DP would automatically get my pension Grin

Inheritance can be sorted with wills, which we need to do anyway.

Next of kin or me dying in childbirth seem to be the pressing issues.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 12/11/2011 19:15

Unmarried parents are three times more likely to split up before the child is 5 than married parents. (Millennium Cohort Study)
It has been claimed that marriage doesn't matter, that it's just those more stable people who are more likely to stay together anyway who get married. But either you are more likely to get married if your relationship is more likely to last or the other way around.

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:15

swedish-I am young at heart do will take your comment as a compliment though I am sure it wasnt meant as one...

Amateurish · 12/11/2011 19:15

trope looks like I'm wrong. The property does not form part of the deceased's estate, but is still subject to IHT. Apologies.

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 19:16

Well I've never met anyone who thinks illegitamacy is a stigma and I'm quite surprised that anyone cares any more

CupOfBrownJoy · 12/11/2011 19:16

Your house (if jointly owned) doesn't get counted for IHT because it is regarded as both of yours, in its entirety, ie you own all of it, and your DH owns all of it. So it does not form part of his estate, because it is seen as already yours.

So no, if you own your house jointly, it doesn't matter whether you are married or not.

Usual it is not especially interesting or useful to other posters to make this an argument about your situation and your prejudices opinons....

trope · 12/11/2011 19:17

wanttobesupermum

"If you have a child out of wedlock the child is illegitimate and historically these children were not recognised as next of kin. Now these children are recognised"

  • ok, so that's not an issue now then

"but if your OH was run over by a bus Dr's wouldn't be able to speak to you about their medical state"

  • only if you hadn't ensured you were your partners next of kin. Our doctors surgery and hospital have me on their systems as my DPs next of kin. So does every form at his workplace. His family (and mine) know that we are each others next of kin.

"and any money would be inherited by your DC's. This could cause a problem if you need access to the money before they turn 18."

  • only if you don't have a will that says otherwise.

Basically - planning ahead can cover these issues - so marriage is not the only solution! :) No judgement at all on those who marry - each to their own, but it isn't the only way to handle these issues!

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:17

usual-as I said I can only tell you how I felt-it did and does bother me. Its not nice having a blank space on your birth certificate in place of a fathers name. So yes I care-shoot me.

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 19:17

ok ...I will leave the marrieds to pat themselves on the back then Grin

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:18

Nice usual really....

lurkerspeaks · 12/11/2011 19:18

usual if you have tied up all the legal loose ends then I agree you have nothing to gain (apart from the right to inherit everything without being liable for inheritance tax).

My posts are all written from the point of view of men dying because that has my experience. However as the higher earning partner I would want my spouse and children to easily receive the benefits of my forward planning should I do.

Tying all those loose ends up (inheritance tax aside - 'cos you can't fix that) can either be done by 1) getting married (my solution) or 2) nominating your partner in your occupational pension scheme, writing a good will, ensuring you have covered everything and possibly running up a big legal bill ( which appears to be your solution).

I'm a time pressured canny Scot. Marriage wins in my book. However it might not do so for everyone. However I would like everyone who chooses not to get married to know what they are choosing because quite seriously I have seen enough devastated (unsually female) partners, who aren't married, who often have kids and who have suddenly been bereaved struggling to deal with the aftermath and the financial fall out to think that that isn't a path I would want anyone I knew, or loved, or cared for to have to walk along.

As I said. I'm probably pre occupied with young people dying but I've seen a fair bit of it recently and it is bad enough if you are a 'smug married' without the (not quite) inlaws trying to take your house away.

CupOfBrownJoy · 12/11/2011 19:19

usual, your posts are nonsensical

youtalkintome · 12/11/2011 19:19

My children were born before we were married their dads names on their birth certs Confused.

youtalkintome · 12/11/2011 19:20

that should be dads name, ha, ha.

Original poster
RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 19:21

Where do "big legal fees" come from? Surely you need a will whether married or not?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 12/11/2011 19:21

Hmmmmm.

A poster starts a thread asking what the benefits of being married are.

Posters reply stating what they see the benefits are.

Posters not married reply calling those who are (who by definition must be in favour of marriage as they, err, got married) 'smug marrieds' just for responding to the question asked, by stating the reasons they got wed.

Interesting!

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 19:22

Op if you want to get married then fair enough do it

However if you don't want to , there are other ways to cover yourself if your partner dies or leaves

Birdsgottafly · 12/11/2011 19:22

trope-being registered as your OH next of kin only insures that you are kept informed, you don't have to be consulted for treatment/sectioning by law. You can register the death as long as you don't have family that are going to create a fuss, as said you haven't always got the energy at times of crisis.

It depends on how reasonable your birth famiuly is, some would rather marry to make new legal ties that they have chosen.

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