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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand the benefits of getting married?

409 replies

RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 18:15

Putting aside the romantic and religious reasons or the big party/lots of presents (lovely as that would be).

What exactly are the benefits of legally being married over just cohabiting, for a woman with children?

DP very definitely doesn't want to get married, I would quite like a big party/lots of presents but am not sure if there is any point to it beyond that.

AIBU? Should I be insisting on a trip to the Register Office?

OP posts:
LineRunnerSaturnaliaCometh · 12/11/2011 19:01

Chandon - 'alimony?' Really??? I think not.

Marriage is a con.

Just write wills if it's death that going to produce the dosh.

trope · 12/11/2011 19:01

rita DP and I aren't married and own a house together. Joint mortgage - both our names are on everything. If you look [[http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Death/BenefitsAndMoney/DG_10029744 here] you'll see that if your partner dies, as the joint tenant you would inherit their share automatically - will or no will. So inheritance tax would potentially be the key issue. (Obviously do think about life insurance etc to cover mortgage repayments though - as you would be without their wage to help cover the bill).

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:01

usual-That is entirely your choice but why do you feel the need to keep referring to people with a different point of view as "smug marrieds"-only smacks of jealousy tbhGrin

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 19:02

Have you got a 32 year relationship pink?

Original poster
RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 19:02

It's an ideological issue for DP Bertha, whereas I'm not really bothered either way.

If DP died, I'd want to inherit his stuff and vice versa.

If either of us left though, I wouldn't expect financial support beyond child support.

OP posts:
trope · 12/11/2011 19:02

HeresTheThingBooyhoo thanks!

Link fail there in my last comment - link is here

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:03

Nope usual-would have to have got married at rhe age of 3 to lay claim to that record! Been together for 17 years and married for 10.

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 19:04

so why would I be jealous?

TadlowDogIncident · 12/11/2011 19:05

If either of you has life insurance and hasn't nominated a beneficiary you might land in the inheritance tax net (you can dodge that one, though: if you write the policy in trust it doesn't go through your estate for tax purposes), so I wouldn't totally dismiss that.

Chandon · 12/11/2011 19:05

usualsuspect, that's your choice.

Why are you so rude to us marrieds? I am not calling you a smug-non-married-who-gets-nothing-in-case-of-divorce-or-death-so-why-so-superior?!

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:05

Oh and usual-I have a relationship with my family,with my friends,with workmates,with my gp,my health visitor-you get the gist. I have a marriage with my husband. That is very important to me-it clearly isnt to you so each to their own and all that..

Original poster
RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 19:05

Thanks trope - inheritance tax is only an issue over £300k though right? I will definitely look into life insurance if we do ever buy somewhere.

OP posts:
Amateurish · 12/11/2011 19:06

There's a lot of scaremongering going on her. Almost all married "rights" can be obtained by cohabiting couples if they make appropriate arrangements.

The only legal right which cannot be obtained is the IHT exemption for married couples. However, this will rarely be an issue since IHT would not apply to property jointly owned, and even then not on the first £300k (?) of assets.

A big plus for cohabiting - in the event of a split you don't have to spend thousands on divorce lawyers to settle your financial affairs.

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:07

usual-the jealous comment was tongue in cheek-indictated by the Grin in my post.

lurkerspeaks · 12/11/2011 19:07

Unmarried fathers now have parental responsibility provided they are named on the birth certificate. (has been the case since 2002 N. Ireland, 2003 England& Wales and 2006 Scotland)

However the pension/ life insurance/ inheritance tax thing hasn't been fixed.

I think I may have been misunderstood- I don't think marriage is a bigger commitment than having kids. In fact I think having kids is the ultimate commitment. What I don't understand is why having made that commitment together as a couple you would not then take steps to ensure the best possible outcome for your whole family in the event of a disaster (ie one of you dying).

A trip to the registry office (about which you have to say nothing to anyone) is v. little in comparison to the commitment to nurture a child.

I take my hats of to those of you who do this alone (raising kids) but I worry that the lack of recognition that marriage may be a protective beneficial arrangement in the event of separation and death is disadvantaging people. As I have already said it isnt' my friends, who can mostly afford good legal advice, who are suffering it is people who are already suffering. And as a result children sometimes suffer too because things that should have protected them, for example an occupational pension won't pay out without legal wrangling when their father dies unexpectedly because their parents weren't married and the nomination paper work had never been completed.

I probably seem overly focussed on death and dying but I see a lot of it at work and my friends have had a bit of a bad run so it is all quite fresh.

GrendelsMum · 12/11/2011 19:07

Why don't you and your DH visit a family law solicitor to talk through the legal pros and cons with them?

Presumably you've both got wills already, but if you feel that there are additional legal documents that you should draw up to protect you, your DH and your DCs in the event of death / separation / anything else happening, you can do so.

I do remember there being rather a sad case on Radio 4's Woman's Hour which talked about the importance of wills for unmarried couples - it was about an unmarried couple with children where the family house was in the man's name. He died unexpectedly without a will, and due to some unfortunate legal situation, the mother then had to sue her DCs in order for the house not to have to be sold. The mother was interviewed on the radio and I remember her saying that at the worst possible time in her life, she had to take on this legal battle supposedly 'against' her children which was both farcical and horrible.

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 19:07

Read the posts on this thread from some of the marrieds and you tell me

Original poster
RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 19:07

Pekka - I'm still not clear what difference it makes to the kids? Child support applies regardless of whether you are married.

OP posts:
Lookattheears · 12/11/2011 19:08

Marriage simply ties up all the legal bits and bobs in one, swiftly, comprehensively and watertight.

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 19:09

usual-are they not allowed to defend the fact that they think marriage is important? clearly not if you feel the need to keep calling them smug marrieds. Really you are doing yourself no favours here.

Birdsgottafly · 12/11/2011 19:09

"Unmarried fathers now have parental responsibility provided they are named on the birth certificate. (has been the case since 2002 N. Ireland, 2003 England& Wales and 2006 Scotland)"

My case was were the mother had a stroke immediately after the birth, so a BC wasn't done, had they have been married, he would have had PR straight after the live birth.

Want2bSupermum · 12/11/2011 19:10

As someone who is married and has a child I would say marriage is more of a committment compared to having children. You can somewhat shape your children and you raise them. You can't shape your OH or change them. You have to figure out how you are going to coexist with them.

For me I would not consider moving in with DH until we were engaged with a wedding date set. Marriage is important to me as it is the foundation unit of a family. Friends who live with their OH see the relationships fail because the consequence of walking away, from the mans perspective, is minimal.

If you have a child out of wedlock the child is illegitimate and historically these children were not recognised as next of kin. Now these children are recognised but if your OH was run over by a bus Dr's wouldn't be able to speak to you about their medical state and any money would be inherited by your DC's. This could cause a problem if you need access to the money before they turn 18.

Laquitar · 12/11/2011 19:10

Apologies in advance, thick question alert.

I don't understand some posts Confused
Is it de facto that man=owns a house, woman=owns nothing? Is this what some of you mean? Or owning a house half and half and avoid tax ifone dies?

I think financially it benefits one person, the one who brought nothing in, sometimes man sometimes woman. But most of my friends bought a house on their own in the 90s, some of them lived with men who didn't have anything, how would it be beneficial for them to get married?

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 19:10

I am not calling you a smug-non-married-who-gets-nothing-in-case-of-divorce-or-death-so-why-so-superior?!

Why would I get nothing ?

We have made arrangements and actually the house is in my name

SwedishEdith · 12/11/2011 19:11

trope's post sums it up perfectly.

pink - sounds a little immature about this issue

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