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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not understand the benefits of getting married?

409 replies

RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 18:15

Putting aside the romantic and religious reasons or the big party/lots of presents (lovely as that would be).

What exactly are the benefits of legally being married over just cohabiting, for a woman with children?

DP very definitely doesn't want to get married, I would quite like a big party/lots of presents but am not sure if there is any point to it beyond that.

AIBU? Should I be insisting on a trip to the Register Office?

OP posts:
pink4ever · 12/11/2011 18:50

As I said in a previous post-if I had kids with a man and he didnt want to marry me then I would question the whole relationship. It would make me feel like shit tbh but perhaps other posters feel differently

eminencegrise · 12/11/2011 18:50

No one said it was a major concern. How is it smug or twattery to point out that a child born out of a wedlock is illegitimate? Hmm

Very perplexing, this place.

Look, OP, now you have children with this man. You can insist on a trip to register hall, but if he does not want to go you will need to do something to protect yourself legally if you are so inclined.

Best of luck. I shall make sure my own children are not so ill-informed and think marriage is about parites and gifts and rings Hmm that is very strange.

ProudMumofIllegitimateDD · 12/11/2011 18:50

Troisgarcons- single parent doing bloody marvellous job here Hmm

Your bet re full time daddy? I'll take that please.

eminencegrise · 12/11/2011 18:51

I agree, pink4ever.

lurkerspeaks · 12/11/2011 18:51

Sorry thread is moving fast.

Yes, I do mean that being married provides future stability for children.

Take my widowed friend as an example. They were married. Ergo when he died she 1) got to stay in the house (he bought it pre marriage). 2) She got the lump sum from his (very good) pension and his life insurance etc. She now draws a widows pension from his employer.

If they hadn't been married none of this would have happened. The house and life insurance could have been sorted out by means of a will. The pension could have been sorted out by means of nominating her in advance. However, some schemes will not accept unmarried/ non CP people as recipients of "survivor pensions".

In addition - I doubt very many people bother to fill in the paperwork. I'm single so the pension thing is irrelevant to me. However I haven't nominated anyone to receive my (significant) death in service lump sum. However it will revert to my estate (and I have a will so it will all go to the intended recipients in the end). However I've been lax about this (despite being other wise financially concientious) because I'm only 33 and don't expect to die anytime soon. Sadly my friends husband was in the same boat.

If she hadn't had all of that she could have ended up in the situation where his parents inherited everything (intestate no kids) or the children inherited everything (imagine the legal bills to sort out a 5year old inheriting a house) and she would have had no income as no survivor pension.

Seriously. For your kids sake get married. Even if you have to slope off to a registry office and never tell anyone. JFDI.

However, you also need a will. Married our not. Dying intestate is an 'effing nightmare an aged relative did it about two years ago and my DSis, the family member who is a solicitor, is still muttering about what a lot of hassle it was for her and there was also a paid solicitor trying to sort out the mess. Just don't go there. If you are bereaved you want to make things as simple as possible.

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 18:52

youtalk-I was completely the opposite. My parents got married very young and divorced within a couple of years. My mum then spent far too kong with an abusive twunt-not married thoug. He left her in all sorts of financial shit which took years to sort out.

I knew from a very young age that being married was very important to me. I wanted that stability for myself and my dcs.

RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 18:52

I can see this would be more of an issue if I didn't work and would need DP to support me if we split up.

OP posts:
lurkerspeaks · 12/11/2011 18:54

Or if he dies.......Or if you die.

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 18:54

proudmum-I was brought up with a single parent mum so you have my utmost admiration-I couldnt do it.

I was lucky in that I had a great male role model in my gf. However there is no denying I would have liked my mum to meet someone lovely and to be a proper family.

You cannot deny the statistics that say children from married parents do better generally in life. Doesnt detract from you doing a great job as a single parent.

RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 18:54

DP doesn't have a pension but I do... I think non-married partners can receive it but I guess I need to look into naming him!

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 12/11/2011 18:54

I still believe it is far better for children to have married parents though. - Why though? On what basis other than you seem to have some strange issues about it. You seem to need to believe that not every woman wants to be married, which is very odd.

trope · 12/11/2011 18:54

Getting married only makes a difference to your level of commitment if you believe that being married is important. Two people who feel no compelling reason to get married do not suddenly become more committed just because they went to a registry office and signed a piece of paper.

I've got to say as well, the idea that co-habitating couples just chuck in the towel at the first sign of difficulties, whether they have kids or not, is also completely ridiculous.

Simply put, marriage is only as important as the value you place in the concept.

Financial/legal reasons are the most compelling reasons to get married if you aren't idealogically disposed towards it. DP and I have been together 14 years, co-habiting for ten (through plenty of difficult times too thanks) but if he died early, I would not benefit from his pension and as I am staying home to raise our kid (first one on the way) my own pension is going to be somewhat lacking. Inheritance tax is a borderline issue for us, depending on what level of insurance we get and whether we put some of it in trust for our kid, or leave it all to me to manage as I see fit. DP will be on the birth certificate, so will have parental responsibility. We are logged as each others next of kin at our doctors and local hospital (that doesn't preclude family members attempting to overule it in the event of something happening and as an unmarried couple it may be easier for them to do this, I don't know the exact ins and outs of this).

I personally think marriage is a dated concept and I hate the assumptions that people make about "husbands" and "wives". If we could have a civil partnership I would, but atm that's restricted to gay couples. We show our commitment to each other by planning our lives together and supporting each other through thick and thin. The idea that in this day and age our child will be negatively affected by having unmarried parents is ludicrous, it's hardly an unusual situation anymore. I'll be teaching them that anyone who judges them for having unmarried parents simply isn't worth knowing as they are bigoted and judgemental; you judge people on who they are, not whether their parents share your moral values.

Sadly due to the pension/inheritance issues we may decide to get married, to protect me in the event of DP dying/our relationship ending. I'm very much a hope for the best, prepare for the worst kind of person. If we do though, no family/friends will know, it'll be a piece of paper in a folder somewhere that only becomes relevant in a worst case scenario and that enables us to put each other down on our pensions as recipients in the event of a death. If pension/inheritance tax isn't an issue, then a well written will should protect you both.

Final point; our 30 year mortgage on a house that may well be in negative equity is a far greater (and harder to escape) commitment than a marriage would ever be.

Birdsgottafly · 12/11/2011 18:55

Amarried man automatically gains PR after the birth. I handled a case were the mother had a stroke after giving birth and because they wasn't married there was a delay in the father taking the baby.

I have handled other cases were a man has had to fight the maternal GM, in a variety of circumstances.

I found being married invaluble when my DH was fighting cancer and after his death (he had a nightmare family).

I think that if there are complications of grown up step children and ex wives, being married gives a level of protection, you are not in a fit state 'to fight' when you are in a state of shock/grieving.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 18:56

eminem i wasn't referring to you.

babybarrister · 12/11/2011 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RitaMorgan · 12/11/2011 18:56

We don't own a house but if we do buy one together in the future, would it matter if we weren't married?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 18:56

I don't want to be married

I have lived with my partner for 32 years

Is that enough commitment for you smug married?

BigBoobiedBertha · 12/11/2011 18:57

What I don't understand is if having children together is the ultimate commitment (assuming you both decided to have children of course) and therefore getting married is no big deal, why would would you not just get married? It means very little to you but you have the legal paperwork sewn up by a quick trip to the registry office for the sum of £200 ish. Why would you want to fork out for wills and all the other paper work for pensions and life assurance and housing when half an hour in front of a registrar can save you all that?

FWIW, for me, once there are children, the divorce laws aren't perfect but rather that those than being left without a leg to stand on if the OH does a runner.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/11/2011 18:58

Being married as opposed to living together makes no difference whatsoever when the relationship is healthy. It is when something goes wrong (death or desertion) that it makes a difference.

You may well be able to set up the same rights through wills and other legal documents, no idea I've never looked into it. But it just seemed easier to me to be married. It was a while back, so it gave DH parental rights for DS (I think I've read that this is different now). It made us next-of-kins, with the rights that go with that. We became eligible for dependants pensions from our employers should one of us die. We inherited automatically.

pink4ever · 12/11/2011 18:58

usual-why do you feel the need to name call? All this vitriol is not really helping your argument it it?

babybarrister · 12/11/2011 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 18:58

because I don't want to be married ...maybe

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 18:59

great post trope

Pekka · 12/11/2011 18:59

Marriage is more important if you have kids. It's a huge commitment and protects the whole family, especially when it comes to legalities and finances, as relationships do break down, married or not.
For couples with no kids marriage is not that important. Both can take care of their own needs legally and financially.
Men are more opposed to marriage than women IME, for the obvious reasons.

usualsuspect · 12/11/2011 19:00

And I don't like the assumption that the poor little woman will be left penniless if her partner runs off

I can run my own life if I need too

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