posted this in step parents but please read I need advice before I just up and leave - end of my tether

[AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws]

DP has got it in to his head that I favour my ds over dsd's when dsd's are around.
A few weeks ago I bought ds some PE shorts (hardly a gift, its an essential) and he hit the roof saying his dd gets 'nothing' from us and i am always buying thigs for ds. There are other examples of this kind of gripe.

This morning however, completely took the biscuit. sd stayed last night and i got up with kids this morning at 7.30 Dp doesn't work. I was getting myself ready for work, gave kids breakfast and was ironing ds's uniform (on the floor I was so rushed) DP was still in bed. It was now 8am. He mentions sleepily that sd's uniform needs ironing. At this point at I have done for myself is get dressed. My response was that I don't have time and he has literally hit the roof. He says I would do it if it was ds, he made ds lunch last night and washed his dirty clothes while I was asleep etc etc, he does more for my ds than I do for his dd's (yes, ds lives with us, his dd's are here 2 nights per week)

I am so upset. This argument happened in front of the kids, I left for work with unbrushed hair and no breakfast, yet I am still selfish because I got to work 10 mins early (wtf?!) I do an awful lot for his dd's that he seems to forget about, I can not carry on like this I am starting to resent his dd's

He is unemployed but can't/won't get up to iron some clothes, or get breakfast ready (?).

The problem is not you, or the children. It is him.
It is natural you are going to do everyday things for your son; you are his mother and he is with you 7 days a week.
Does he fly off the handle at his daughters' mother buying small items of clothes for them (?)

How old is your DSD?

Is she early teens?

He sounds pretty scary actually. I don't think I'd stop you leaving.

Even if he was right, as galaxy said, he still sounds like a bit of an arse.
I think you need a proper sit down talk.

Or leave the bastard

Were you made aware at an earlier time that the SD's uniform required ironing?

Perhaps you should both sit down together and agree that when you have all three children to get ready on a school day, you both get up to organise things; you to get ready for work, and eat breakfast - also assist with the children (you shouldn't leave on an empty stomach) - him to get ready the children.

Sounds like a lazy selfish pig who can't see why you as a woman should not be doing all the child related work, even when the child in question are his and not hers.

You are working - he is unemployed but won't get up to help you getting his child ready for school? I fail to see why you should be buying things for his DD?

If you have no kids together I would get the Hell out of that relationship if I were you. Your son is going to lose out if your DP guilts you into stopping acting like his mother.

Erm, if he has no employment, why is he not getting up to get the children ready for school whilst you get ready for work? I have been a SAHM since we had DCs and I would not dream of laying in bed whilst DH gets DCs and himself ready unless I was unwell. Mornings are stressful and time pressured enough - it's all hands on deck.

Has he always been this way? When he worked, did he buy things for his DD? Or did you share the expense? Wondering if he is venting anger at his inability to provide financially (albeit directed at totally the wrong person).

Personally, if this isn't a one-off I would seriously consider walking.

I don't like the sound of him but re the getting the kids ready thing. I find what works best is to give my dh a job that he does every day. ie he gets the kids breakfast, I do everything else. If i didn't do that i would end up doing everything while he just got himself ready. It sounds like this runs deeper though so you are going to have to have a talk and agree on a few things if this is going to stand any chance of working i would think.

I think am going to leave. This is just one of our issues, but it upsets me the most that he is accusing me of being cruel to his kids

He did this in front of his children? What on earth is up with him?
Don't resent them - they are not the issue here. The issue is HIM and his inability to take responsibility for his end of the deal. You work, he doesn't. He should be doing a lot more.

As for his children, he's messing with their heads. How awful.

Is he your ds's father?

GalaxyWeaver all he wanted was an extra 10 mins in bed

Because of this i get the full on character assassination of an evil stepmother. I want to run away

I agree with the others he sounds like an arse! He could have gone back to bed for an hour later on if he was so exhausted . He should have been up too, helping with breakfasts and uniforms.

Complaining about you buying your DS some PE shorts is bonkers BTW.
I had a stepmum, I've been a step mum, and my DS has a step mum so I feel confident in saying you are not being a horrible stepmum.

You say you are having other issues too, is this perhaps the final straw?

What are the other issues? Is there something else behind this?

Yes I think it is, he is breaking me down daily but today just took the biscuit. He points out my failings everyday, despite me working my ass off to support us all as a family

I also agree he is being a penis.

But I've been an unwanted stepchild and it was beyond awful - trust me these girls will be badly affected by all this if you don't take action.

My dh is rubbish at getting up in the morning, I get up at 7am, give dc's breakfast etc BUT when he gets up at 8am he irons their clothes and polices them while I get ready for work OR irons their stuff the night before.

But your resentment is very worrying - these girls are innocent in all of this and this situation is damaging to them. You have to sort this out and stop making them feel like it's their fault or they are causing rows - it's your dp's fault and he needs to realise that.

Okay, X posted. This is bad. How long have you been together?

I agree that your DH should have got up and helped and shouldn't have had a go.

But tbh, if I were ironing my DS's uniform, I would automatically check at the same time whether DD's needed doing too. So I can see his point that you were favouring your DS.

OP, then this has nothing to do with you being a step-mum. It's just another stick to beat you with, by the sound of it .

The situation needs addressing, for your own sanity. Does he realise how close he is to blowing it?

Agree with Proudnscary though - whatever's going here will damage these girls beyond measure. Take control OP and speak to your partner. Speak to them if necessary, if only to reassure them. Children are children. Innocents.

redskyatnight I assumed her mum would have folded it and not sent it screwed up in her book bag