posted this in step parents but please read I need advice before I just up and leave - end of my tether

[AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws]

DP has got it in to his head that I favour my ds over dsd's when dsd's are around.
A few weeks ago I bought ds some PE shorts (hardly a gift, its an essential) and he hit the roof saying his dd gets 'nothing' from us and i am always buying thigs for ds. There are other examples of this kind of gripe.

This morning however, completely took the biscuit. sd stayed last night and i got up with kids this morning at 7.30 Dp doesn't work. I was getting myself ready for work, gave kids breakfast and was ironing ds's uniform (on the floor I was so rushed) DP was still in bed. It was now 8am. He mentions sleepily that sd's uniform needs ironing. At this point at I have done for myself is get dressed. My response was that I don't have time and he has literally hit the roof. He says I would do it if it was ds, he made ds lunch last night and washed his dirty clothes while I was asleep etc etc, he does more for my ds than I do for his dd's (yes, ds lives with us, his dd's are here 2 nights per week)

I am so upset. This argument happened in front of the kids, I left for work with unbrushed hair and no breakfast, yet I am still selfish because I got to work 10 mins early (wtf?!) I do an awful lot for his dd's that he seems to forget about, I can not carry on like this I am starting to resent his dd's

OP - that was my point - you assumed DSD's was ok (and didn't check).

fair enough, but now i am being accused of treating them differently over a sodding uniform. yes I assumed because it is what i would do when ds goes to his dads

I think that the problem is him. If he isn't making you happy and you have no children together then you might as well leave. Get a supportive man not one who breaks you down.

It makes a huge difference to the ages of the children I think: are they 5, 6, 7 etc or 11+

Are they old enough to iron/ prepare breakfast /wash themselves?

no they are 5 & 6

Why couldnt he drag himself out of bed and iron all the childrens clothes ???

Standard answer if he starts his crap again ....".... and what would you do if i wasnt here ? " .

or.... " if you dont like how i do stuff , feel free to do it yourself ".

or ...."feel free to step in and parent your own children anytime you think im not doing enough ."

or how about ? .... " You know i love the children , but its very unfair to expect me to do everything when you are lying in your bed ,it will make me late for work . Is it your plan for me to get sacked ? Then we will have no money."

Does his maintenence to his ex come out of your earnings ? .

It seems like a last straw for you AndThey

It sounds as if he is currently neither use, nor ornament.

Sit down with a cup of tea and decide what is best for your son and yourself

5 and 6

Is one of the reasons he split with his ex , because he expected her to do everything for the kids ? .

I hope hes not one of these guys who move in with someone , so that they have

a built in housekeeper /childcare .

If they are 5 and 6 they require both your input. Not only you.

You don't have to answer here, but is he generally a man who thinks childcare is a female job? Do you pay his ex partner maintenance out of your wages?

Sorry, that should read my ds is 5, his dd2 is 6 and his dd1 is 12.

Another thing is, he is constantly singling ds out and comparing him to his 'better behaved children'

He also wants to ge the girls a quad bike between them for xmas and ds something seperate, despite a quad being ds dream gift

Ah well.

He may be unemployed, however he must be independently wealthy. Or is he expecting you to pay for the quad bike...?

The big picture problem here is him sitting around acting like he's your boss while he lies in bed. Very poor. I would be inclined to say this is a deal-breaking problem. I do think that in this very specific instance, if there is time to iron one child's uniform, it's slightly unfair not to take an extra minute and iron another. However, I agree with all other posters that he could have been doing that, not you! I'm also guessing that your refusal to do it came out of a built-up sense of frustration about the whole situation, ie being expected to work and cover all the household tasks too. Don't be hoodwinked into thinking that one incident where he has a point means the whole set-up he clearly wants to maintain is justified. It isn't.

I was all set to say yabu for ironing your ds's uniform and not your sd's until you said it had been sent clean from home. Why on earth would you check to see if it needed ironing on the off chance?! Your dp is being completely UR and should grow up!

If your partner thinks you are favouring your bio child then the time to raise it isn't when his kids are there ffs!
And at least you were sorting your ds out which is one more child than he was getting ready. Sounds like he puts himself before ALL the children.

No, no, this is all wrong. Get rid. But try to be kind to the girls. It's not their fault their dad is an idiot.

What are you getting out of being in a relationship with your P? From your posts, I would say that you are getting an extra full time child, rather than a partner. I'm pretty sure that you and your DS would be much happier and less stressed with out him.

Oh and wrt the quad bike, sounds like he has serious jealously issues and wants to make your ds feel pushed out, please don't let him :(

caramelwaffle he has redundancy money

I think the best thing about this scenerio is that you don't have any joint children. You can walk away and not have to get divorced or have to share custody of any of the children. He sounds unbelievably lazy.

Also, things have got to the point where he is going to make your DS miserable, fairly deliberately. That is really sad.

Can he not see that DS is also his child? It seems from what you have written, that he views the girls as "his" and DS as "yours".

That is very sad.

All other issues aside [and it sounds as if there are a few] why the heck is he laying in bed while you get everyone ready before you have to go to work?

He should have been up getting all children sorted for school before he did the school drop offs [unless you have to go directly past their school/s on your way to work.

He sounds v lazy or chauvanistic or both.

"Another thing is, he is constantly singling ds out and comparing him to his 'better behaved children' "

That rang alarm bells for me, along with the quad bike idea.
Sounds like he is jealous of your relationship with your son.
How long have you been living together?