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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

posted this in step parents but please read I need advice before I just up and leave - end of my tether

102 replies

AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 11:20

DP has got it in to his head that I favour my ds over dsd's when dsd's are around.
A few weeks ago I bought ds some PE shorts (hardly a gift, its an essential) and he hit the roof saying his dd gets 'nothing' from us and i am always buying thigs for ds. There are other examples of this kind of gripe.

This morning however, completely took the biscuit. sd stayed last night and i got up with kids this morning at 7.30 Dp doesn't work. I was getting myself ready for work, gave kids breakfast and was ironing ds's uniform (on the floor I was so rushed) DP was still in bed. It was now 8am. He mentions sleepily that sd's uniform needs ironing. At this point at I have done for myself is get dressed. My response was that I don't have time and he has literally hit the roof. He says I would do it if it was ds, he made ds lunch last night and washed his dirty clothes while I was asleep etc etc, he does more for my ds than I do for his dd's (yes, ds lives with us, his dd's are here 2 nights per week)

I am so upset. This argument happened in front of the kids, I left for work with unbrushed hair and no breakfast, yet I am still selfish because I got to work 10 mins early (wtf?!) I do an awful lot for his dd's that he seems to forget about, I can not carry on like this I am starting to resent his dd's

OP posts:
Tryharder · 11/11/2011 13:05

I think you are both unreasonable but he is a cock as well.

It wouldn't have hurt you to iron your SD's uniform as well given that you had the iron out. If you had seen that your son's uniform needed ironing than you should've noticed that your SD's needed doing as well. While she's in your care, you should be treating her like your own child. So, I have to agree with your DH on that.

But you should not have been ironing in the first place if you were getting ready to go to work. That shouldve been your DH's job.

I think other posters have said similar, really.

ChristinedePizanne · 11/11/2011 13:08

I think your living arrangements sound pretty horrible for all three of the children tbh - he is setting them up to be in competition with one another. :(

And why isn't he buying things for his DDs, why is that your problem? Have you been living together long?

droves · 11/11/2011 13:10

" BETTER BEHAVED CHILDREN " ????? WTFF!

What planet is he on ? . Not only does he accuse you of favouring your son over his daughters , but he insults your wee boy ! Angry

This man is a firstclass arsehole .

Listen OP , Secondary arses are unnessessary , we all have one, having two arses is just a waste of time and causes more shit than you can handle.

So i recomend secondary arsehole removal , its easily done ...all youhave to do is pack his bags and leave them outside.

everybodysang · 11/11/2011 13:11

The SD is 12? Teach her to iron her own uniform. That's a really good skill to have.

He should definitely be up in the morning. This has nothing to do with you being a step mum (I'm one too, btw, if that's relevant) and everything to do with him being lazy.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 11/11/2011 13:15

OK, putting the ironing issue aside, how is this relationship working out for you?

You feel he picks on your son's behaviour, he hassles you for buying your child gym shorts (an essential) because you're not buying something for his DDs, he doesn't work and you are supporting the family financially and he wants you to spend a huge amount on a present for his DDs (12 and 6) that your DS (5) has craved.

Back to the ironing, he throws a huge hissy fit about it in front of all the children, because he wants 10 minutes extra in bed.

BTW, I wouldn't be buying a quad bike for any child, let alone a 6 year old.

blackeyedsusan · 11/11/2011 13:17

from your posts, leaving would not be such a bad idea. do you get anything from this relationship? if he is grinding you down everyday, why on earth stay and put up with it? i would suggest having a really good think whether the positives outweigh the negatives at this moment.

Proudnscary · 11/11/2011 13:19

I agree - as you don't have children together, just leave.

I am thinking of the children - all three of them but particularly these poor girls - not you to be honest.

MissIngaFewmarbles · 11/11/2011 13:22

If it's redundancy money surely he should be keeping it in reserve in case he doesn't get a job for a while and you all need it to live on?

I am a SM too, DH would never accuse me of treating DSD differently to my DDs or our DS, and certainly not in front of them. I'm sorry but he sounds like a nightmare. Has he always been like this or is the stress of being unemployed making him worse?

TeddyRuxpin · 11/11/2011 13:23

Do his DDs actually want a quad bike or does he want to get them one because it's the something your DS wants?

DamselInDisarray · 11/11/2011 13:24

I think the resentment would be misplaced if it were directed at your DSDs. It's your not-so-DP that you should be resenting. He needs to stop being a prick.

On the ironing, just don't iron anything. Your DS won't care if his clothes are a bit creased (and creases fall out of school uniform very quickly). If DSD care (she may not), she can learn to iron herself. At 12 she should be taking responsibility for her own uniform. Not because she's your DSD rather than DD, but because 12 year olds need to learn to look after themselves a bit. Taking care of your own clothes is an important life skill.

Dawndonna · 11/11/2011 13:25

Why is he divorced/seperated? Is this the way he treated the partner of his dcs? Nothings going to change if it is.
Get out, you're working and can presumably support yourself and your ds. It does sound like he wants a mother rather than a partner.

amistillsexy · 11/11/2011 13:41

this is obviously news because of the circumstances. How many other quad bike injuries and deaths are not reported because they are not newsworthy enough?
Seriously, a quad bike is NOT a kid's toy!

Ok, back to your relationship...
He wants to spend his redundancy money on a quad bike, rather than saving it to pay bills. Arse.
He lies in bed while you get ready for work AND see to the children. Arse.
He sees you ironing on the floor because you are in such a rush and doesn't think he could step in and ghelp you. Arse.
He criticises you in front of the children. Arse.
He accuses you of favouring your own child over his. Arse.
He wants to buy his own children a big, expensive present but doesn't want to do the same for yours. Arse. (double arse considering the above point as well!)
He expects you to do the work neither he nor his ex will do for their kids. Arse, arse, arse.

This man is an arse. Sorry, but it's true.

I'm very much afraid that the 2 comments posted upthread by drove are true-he split from his ex because she got sick of his expecting her to do everything, and that he came to you because he needed a cook/housekeeper for when his kids come over. Arse.

Sorry, OP, but I think you know the answer. Do you have a good support network around you?

DamselInDisarray · 11/11/2011 13:44

You should point out that a 6 and a 12 year old are unlikely to want to share a Christmas present. Better to get each child an appropriate present of their own.

And, since he's currently unemployed, he can get on with the ironing in future.

Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 13:52

TeddyRuxpin 9 monhs

OP posts:
Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 13:59

his dd's are 12 and 6. it was the 6yo's uniform. I didn't know it needed ironing because it was in her book bag and I assumed (maybe i shouldn't) that her mother would have sent it folded and not just shoved in the book bag. I was ironing ds's uniform because his had just come out the wash and hers was a day old iykwim.

Re the quad bike, mine are a big motorsports family and my dad is a well know road racer - the quad would be a childs quad and speed restricted. Ds has had bikes all his life and currently has an electric quad but is desperate for a petrol quad - in particular the quad he is buying for his dd's

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 11/11/2011 14:09

Oh get rid of this WANKER! Angry Right now, pm me his number and I will dump him for you!

He sounds AWFUL, controlling, spiteful, entitled, nasty piece of work. This will only get worse you know. Your ds is only five he won't even remember this person in 6 months.

TeddyRuxpin · 11/11/2011 14:09

9 months is not very long to have been living together so obviously you may still be getting used to being a step-parent to each others DC. I do however think your DPs behaviour is bad and that if he is acting like this now, it's possible that the more he gets away with it, the worse he will get and the more he will grind you down until you accept it.
Were you together long before you moved in together?

WhoWhoWhoWho · 11/11/2011 14:10

Just get out while you can, you are not married and do not have dcs together.

Reading your further posts has strengthened my initial very low opinion of him.

Your poor DS Sad. It's not nice for any of the children to be hearing these rows and put downs of you, nor is it nice for them to feel like there is a them and us atmosphere in the house (which despite accusing you of, it is actually him doing the favouring)!

Inertia · 11/11/2011 14:11

What benefit does this man bring into any of your lives?

I agree that all the children need to be treated fairly- that doesn't mean that the parent who is on her way out of the door to get to work does everybody's uniform and breakfast while the non-working parent stays in bed!

The quad bike sounds as though he is setting out to deliberately break the heart of a 5 year old child- I couldn't be with a man like that.

Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 14:14

I am going to stay with my mum this weekend with ds and think about our next step. The house is technically mine, he moved in with me (rented) and ds is so happy and settled where we live that I would actually want P to move out and not us...that will be a nightmare in itself

OP posts:
agedknees · 11/11/2011 14:21

How did he know sd's uniform needed ironing? If he knew it needed ironing he should have done it himself. He is the one being unreasonable lying in bed while you are running around trying to get 4 people ready for work/school.

RomanKindle · 11/11/2011 14:25

Good point agedknees. He must have looked in the book bag, see n the crumpled uniform and decided to leave it for the op.

Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 14:26

agedknees that didnt even occur to me until you pointed it out

OP posts:
MildlyNarkyPuffin · 11/11/2011 14:29

Take some time to work out how you feel. It sounds like things need to seriously change if you're going to stay a couple.

Is his name on the lease?

If you do end up deciding to ask him to leave, don't tell him when you're away from the house and he's in it. Get people round who can stay whilst he packs up his stuff, or pack for him whilst he's out.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 11/11/2011 14:31

Is it still just your name on the house Andthey? If it is that makes things much easier obviously.

I think you are doing the right thing. If he's like this already he will just continue putting you down and draining you until there's nothing left. It sounds like a very negative situation for the kids, and really your relationship is far from an ideal model of one isn't it for them to be learning from. Don't be swayed by promises to change either.

Do you speak much to his ex? Do you know why they split up? (From other souirces than him I mean).