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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

posted this in step parents but please read I need advice before I just up and leave - end of my tether

102 replies

AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 11:20

DP has got it in to his head that I favour my ds over dsd's when dsd's are around.
A few weeks ago I bought ds some PE shorts (hardly a gift, its an essential) and he hit the roof saying his dd gets 'nothing' from us and i am always buying thigs for ds. There are other examples of this kind of gripe.

This morning however, completely took the biscuit. sd stayed last night and i got up with kids this morning at 7.30 Dp doesn't work. I was getting myself ready for work, gave kids breakfast and was ironing ds's uniform (on the floor I was so rushed) DP was still in bed. It was now 8am. He mentions sleepily that sd's uniform needs ironing. At this point at I have done for myself is get dressed. My response was that I don't have time and he has literally hit the roof. He says I would do it if it was ds, he made ds lunch last night and washed his dirty clothes while I was asleep etc etc, he does more for my ds than I do for his dd's (yes, ds lives with us, his dd's are here 2 nights per week)

I am so upset. This argument happened in front of the kids, I left for work with unbrushed hair and no breakfast, yet I am still selfish because I got to work 10 mins early (wtf?!) I do an awful lot for his dd's that he seems to forget about, I can not carry on like this I am starting to resent his dd's

OP posts:
Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 14:31

no, the house is in my name but the landlord agreed he could move in

OP posts:
bamboozled · 11/11/2011 14:33

regardless of uniform - if he is enough of an arse to not to bother to get up when his kids are staying - this pretty much shows where his (self-centered) values lie - life is too short to put up with crap all the time...

3littlefrogs · 11/11/2011 14:33

So he has got his feet under the table in YOUR house, he lies in bed, doesn't work, and expects you to do the ironing, look after all the kids and go to work.

He sounds a real catch.

How much longer do you plan to put up with this?

girlywhirly · 11/11/2011 14:37

If his name isn't on any rental agreement and he isn't contributing to the rent it will be easier than if you have a joint tenancy, but if he kicks off and refuses to leave it could get messy.

I suggest you get some advice from the legal topic on Mumsnet.

stealthsquiggle · 11/11/2011 14:37

I think this is the first time I have ever responded "leave him" to such a thread - the fact that he wants to take what is your DS's dream present and give it instead to his DD's, who I would guess don't want it quite so much (and presumably if it is small enough for the 6yo it would be too small for 12yo anyway Confused?) says that he is a jealous insecure child and you and especially your DS would be better off without him.

Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 14:39

thanks for the advice all I think my mind is made up. Fuck, this is going to be hard

OP posts:
WhoWhoWhoWho · 11/11/2011 14:40

I second the advice to not ask him to leave while you are out of the house, but rather to get someone to be there while he packs and leaves - very good advice MildNarkyPuffin.

That's good that he's not on the lease. Do NOT feel bad either, if he has enough money to buy a bloody petrol quad he can fork out for a B+B/deposit/YMCA hostel/board to a relative or friend.

RomanKindle · 11/11/2011 14:43

It does sound like it's maybe him who treats your ds differently and he's projecting on to you. Though it doesn't sound like he treats his own kids particularly well. Surely most non-resident parents who were able to would want to get up with their kids and take them to school as they don't see them for most of the week?

bamboozled · 11/11/2011 14:43

It cant be as hard as the first time....
I had to do the same - horrific marriage - then living with someone who turned out to be a mini-me of my ex - took all the guts I had to end that one as I was so worried how it would affect the kids, that maybe it was me etc...
turns out it wasnt - have been married to lovely man, adores my kids and backs me up when my ex is being a total tosser for nearly 2 years now -
Good luck and be strong x

Chandon · 11/11/2011 14:47

agree with agedknees.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

It's just all wrong, why would you be with someone like that?! Sad

fedupofnamechanging · 11/11/2011 15:00

Will he leave willingly or be an arse about it? If the latter then I suggest you leave ds at your mums for the weekend and pick a weekend when he doesn't have his girls, get the locks changed and put his stuff outside. If it's your name on the tenancy agreement, then regardless of him having permission to move in from the ll, he has no actual right to be there.

If he will be reasonable about it, then you can negotiate a day for him to move out.

You owe it to your ds to get rid of this man. Children shouldn't have to live with parent's partners who are petty and spiteful and pit the kids against each other. Your little boy deserves better. The quad thing clinched it for me. What an utter bastard.

Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 15:08

he wont be reasonable

OP posts:
ChaoticAngel · 11/11/2011 15:28

Your DP is sounding like a selfish, lazy, freeloading, cocklodging twat the more you post about him.

If he won't be reasonable then I agree with pps who suggest you have someone there whilst he packs his bags.

fuzzynavel · 11/11/2011 15:32

Sod whether he's reasonable or not, get rid of the nasty piece of shite.

Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 15:36

I dont want to just 'kick him out' though. I cant play god with him and his dd's lik that. After all he has made the house his home over the last 9 months and a 2nd home for dd's

OP posts:
DamselInDisarray · 11/11/2011 15:41

You are entitled to tell him to leave though. It is your house.

Tell him that you are ending the relationship and that he has to move out. Inform your landlord of this too. Give him a deadline to be gone and work from there. If he refuses to leave, you can have him forcibly removed.

ENormaSnob · 11/11/2011 15:41

Please, for your sons sake, get rid of this man.

I fear your lad will have a miserable childhood if not.

amistillsexy · 11/11/2011 16:12

You can just 'kick him out'.

His DDs have their own home, so they are not going to be homeless. It sounds as if you genuinely care for them, though, so they will no doubt miss you and your DS, but you cannot put yourself through this because of that.

In this instance, you have to do what is best for you and your DS.

If that means chucking him out right now, then you have to do that. If that means biding your time and taking advice first, and you feel strong enough to have him around while you do that, then choose that route.

stealthsquiggle · 11/11/2011 16:17

Do you have any sort of communication with his DDs' mother? If so, then tell him to get out, and then tell her that is what you have done, so that she can cushion the blow for her DDs - as it seems unlikely that he will make any effort to do so Sad.

fuzzynavel · 11/11/2011 16:24

Why are you putting some bloke who moved in with you less than a year ago, doesnt work and all the rest of it before your DS?

Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 16:25

yes i speak to her but i prefer not to if i am honest.

Argh my head hurts with it all, i just want to go to sleep and wake up somebody else

OP posts:
TeddyRuxpin · 11/11/2011 16:25

santyclaws the relationships threads give good advice in situations like yours. Many others there have been through similar, perhaps you could move this thread to there and get advice on your next step.

Original poster
AndTheyCalledHimSantyClaws · 11/11/2011 16:27

yes, thanks for everybodys advice so far

my head is so far up my backside!

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 11/11/2011 16:36

The girls have a stable home at their mother's so where their father lives is a secondary concern for them, compared with the damage he could do to your son - and yourself? - whilst he remains in your home under orders to leave. He sounds like such a spiteful, petty person that I wouldn't put it past him to be deliberately nasty to your son and to treat your home badly. And you obviously know that he is going to kick off. A good approach would be to have someone with you whilst you tell him he has to leave within 24 hours, and for them to stay with you the whole time. You can call the police if he starts behaving badly, making threats or refusing to leave etc. Just get rid of him.

On the plus side, you have no real ties to him and he is bringing you nothing but grief. You and your son will be so much happier without him.

heleninahandcart · 11/11/2011 16:46

Just a thought, if DSD Mum usually sends her shirt folded, do you think he's the one who screwed it up and shoved it back. Unless he's psychic especially familiar with shirt creasing he would have had to pull the shirt at least partially out. He has already shown he's spiteful over the quad bike.

Either way he is a cocklodger with you as a built in domestic appliance. Time to remove him IMO.

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