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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confiscate her bank card?

402 replies

WongaWoman · 10/11/2011 21:11

Today I opened the October bank statement of my eldest DD (19) and was horrified to discover that she was overdrawn by £280, had been charged nearly £90 in authorised and unauthorised overdraft charges, had accrued over £40 so far this month in charges, and she had received a payday loan of £100 from a well known online payday loan company earlier in October.

She is only on apprentice pay of £2.60 per hour! I have now nearly killed myself to pay off her payday loan and overdraft. With back up from my DH I have confiscated her bank card until I get all my money back as I thought it was the cheapest option for her. She was in floods of tears tonight in embarrassment and at losing her independence.

I don't really know what else I could have done. AIBU?

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 14:02

"Not sure why most posters would stand by and watch their childrens lives turn into a car crash just because they are 19."

which posters have said they would have stood by and let their DD turn their lives into a car crash?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 14:04

"My motive for agreeing with OP is not that I'm a controlling mother as Booyoo thinks, "

my comment wasn't directed at you. but if the caps fits...

anyway, yes this thread touches a nerve with me because i had/have a controlling parent. does that make my opinion less valid because i have experience of what OP's dd may be feeling?

realhousewife · 12/11/2011 14:10

I didn't mean it was directed at me. I meant that you think some people are controlling mothers. No the cap doesn't fit, as I said.

Interesting that it does fit about your experience - it may well be that you are being overly defensive for the daughter because of your history. What was your experience?

Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 14:19

Oh no! I wrote out a really long post and it disappeared!

Thanks for the understanding replies. I was hoping to show DD this thread but I won't be doing that as many posters have referred to me as a criminal and she can do without getting anymore daft ideas in her head! I wonder if there is a way to show her an edited version of the thread Grin

I will show her the MSE links thanks for those.

I didn't give any background info in my OP but I believe I had good reason to do things in the order I did. Sitting DD down and talking with her as an adult has resulted in me being lied to.

I have been in her bedroom and found something else so I am going to ask her to tell me everything else when she gets home.

I never thought that I would have bailed out my adult child's stupidity but it seemed to be the only option at the time. I can't help being a controlling mother. Hmm

OP posts:
mumeeee · 12/11/2011 14:25

I don't think you are a controlling Mother OP. Just that I would never open my DDs mail. But DD2 has left bank statements around for me to find in the past.

realhousewife · 12/11/2011 14:29

Grin OP - good luck with it. Life's full of trials and this is one of them.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 14:35

"I was hoping to show DD this thread but I won't be doing that as many posters have referred to me as a criminal and she can do without getting anymore daft ideas in her head! I wonder if there is a way to show her an edited version of the thread "

yes because censorship isn't controlling at all. Hmm

why would you not show her all the responses? they are an accurate representation of how others, unknown to either you or DD view the situation. surely it defeats the purpose of showing her any responses if you are only showing the ones that agree with your viewpoint? that smacks of controlling behaviour to me. "look DD, i was right, all these people agree" but the truth of it is that not everyone agreed.

realhousewife yes i do think some people are controlling mothers because some people are controlling mothers and that isn't me projecting. there are people who are controlling people and some of them are mothers.

my experiences are just of a lifetime (still continuing) of my mother trying and sometimes succeeding to control my life under the guise of 'caring'. now i'm not saying that she wasn't actually caring for me and worried i was doing teh wrong thing but there are boundaries and times where parents have to accept their children wont always do the right thing but have to make the mistake themselves in order to learn from it. there will also be times when the child does not do what the parent thinks they should, that doesn't always mean it is the wrong thing.

Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 14:36

Fabby - I am not asking £100 per month to make money! I am trying to teach DD responsibility! She is left with about £300 per month for herself after transport costs (her bus pass is £50 per month) She still asks me to buy her new underwear, shoes, coats etc. I have no problem with that as she is working so hard for so little.

OP posts:
Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 14:42

HeresTheThingBooyhoo - Your relationship with your mother sounds like a whole different scenario to my relationship with DD1. I would be interested to show her your responses and ask her whether she can identify with you! Watch this space!

OP posts:
cory · 12/11/2011 14:55

I think you were very generous in your initial agreement: £300 to spend on no-essentials is more than many older people can afford. Maybe it would have been better to pull her up on her failure to keep her side of this deal before, though, and insisting on an explanation then instead of having to resort to opneing her mail.

It is not good if she gets the impression that she can just ignore agreements like that and nothing will happen. But it's easy to be wise after the event.

Personally, I have to say I don't know what I will do if my dcs don't turn out to be as mature at 19 as I am assuming they will be- it's just one of those things you hope you won't have to deal with.

Am a little worried by "I have been in her bedroom and found something else so I am going to ask her to tell me everything else when she gets home" Is this something you need to tackle as affecting either her financial situation or house rules (e.g. drugs)? if not, tread warily

realhousewife · 12/11/2011 14:56

Wonga you would be wise not to show her this thread.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 15:00

well TBH i expected you to say that wonga. my mum would deny that is our relationship aswell if she saw it written down. it can be hard to accept when youu are at fault.

bame · 12/11/2011 15:01

I think the OP has done the right thing tbh. I've got control of my brothers (20) finances at the moment because he has MH and if given free reign would have racked up even more debts than he had before I intervened. Just because someone is over 18 doesn't mean you should allow them to destroy themselves.

Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 15:03

cory I have found a letter dated September from a debt collection company for the amount of £12 owed to Blockbuster. I want to know whether she has settled this or whether it is snowballing while she sticks her head in the sand.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 15:11

"Just because someone is over 18 doesn't mean you should allow them to destroy themselves."

it's not up to you to 'allow' or not 'allow' another adult do anything.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 15:12

wonga what will you do if she hasn't settled this £12 bill?

Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 15:18

Settle it and add it to her debt to me. Otherwise I will have failed in my role as a controlling mother

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:19

which posters have said they would have stood by and let their DD turn their lives into a car crash?

I have never said this! Of course I would help, but as an adult not like a naughty 9yr old and I wouldn't have opened the post. I might suggest she let me look after the bank card, but I wouldn't confiscate it.
Before you jump to conclusions about the £12 I have found Blockbuster to be dreadful. I was 2 days late returning something and after I had returned it I got a debt collection letter-I rang up and complained-I have never had anything like it in my life and they sent it out the day before I took it back-one day late! I asked them why they couldn't have just picked up the phone-they apologised.
If my mother was going through things in my bedroom I would either have to move out or become very devious. Where is the trust?

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:21

Would someone who is controlling tell me when you stop and treat them like adults 21, 25, 30-40yrs-never! Do you have a year in mind where you couldn't interfere without invitiation?

AlpinePony · 12/11/2011 15:23

Good luck fixing all of this. It's a really tough one, whilst you shouldn't have opened the letter I can understand why you did. A payday loan is frightening and a way from a Barclays authorised overdraft.

I do think though that you should let her buy whatever crap she wants to up to the value of 299 a month, but perhaps start transferring clothing responsibilities, e.g., she will take care of shoes from now on would be a step (boom boom) in the right direction.

I think you sound like a lovely caring mum but please let her have some fun with the money. I got in horrible pickles when I was younger, I had mh problems and not enough money in the pot. I'd have loved to rent a dvd (or ten!). Dvd's should be encouraged really, a damned sight cheaper than a night out on the tiles.

perceptionreality · 12/11/2011 15:24

YABU to open her mail - that's very wrong.

I think the best thing though, would have been to talk to her about what is going on with her finances before you decided what to do and although I know you were trying to help her, I can't see that your course of action will help her to more responsible with her finances in the future.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 15:24

i cant tell, are you being sarcastic? would you actually settle it?

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:25

SHE IS 19YRS OLD-as the mother you can't 'let her'! You can sit her down and put it forward as a wise course of action.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:26

If she was away at university you couldn't see what she was doing with her money.

realhousewife · 12/11/2011 15:30

If she's allowing £12 debts to go to the debt collection agency she needs some serious money advice.