to confiscate her bank card?

[WongaWoman]

Today I opened the October bank statement of my eldest DD (19) and was horrified to discover that she was overdrawn by £280, had been charged nearly £90 in authorised and unauthorised overdraft charges, had accrued over £40 so far this month in charges, and she had received a payday loan of £100 from a well known online payday loan company earlier in October.

She is only on apprentice pay of £2.60 per hour! I have now nearly killed myself to pay off her payday loan and overdraft. With back up from my DH I have confiscated her bank card until I get all my money back as I thought it was the cheapest option for her. She was in floods of tears tonight in embarrassment and at losing her independence.

I don't really know what else I could have done. AIBU?

Which is why I would be inclined to go to the bank if I was the DD.

My DSs have said 'I'm a big boy now' over far lesser things. Some DCs need to stand their ground at an early age if they have over controlling mothers.

What next?

Suggesting dd shop mum to the police?

Cripes.

I'd have be annoyed at first but pleased if dd had been me. I also wouldn't want to put my mother or me through same stress again. I guess I'm alone in not being too arsed if my mum opened my bank statements if I lived at home and took full advantage of things like the magic fridge. I always saw living under the same roof as a collective thing. What financially affects one, affects another.

I'm starting to feel that this is turning into, I'm a better mother, for letting my kids make hideous mistakes and learn the hard way type thread.

Except, everyone is different and everyone needs different levels of support or interference from parents.

I don't necessarily think dear mother here is controlling and I think some of suggestions that dd will now end up with thousands of pounds and a life time of debt as mummy was soft on her are utterly ridiculous!

Bizarre.

well if i was the DD in this case, having no access to my own money i would feel pretty controlled.

i'm also guessing that if this were a 29 year old DD living at home (not uncommon right now) there would be far more outrage at the OP opening her mail.

Except its not her money is it? Since she spent it all. And spent someone else's too. Whether it be her mums or a loan companies. She wouldn't actually have any control over her money either way because she's been a numpty with it.

OP also said about paying it off over time and looking at pre-paid cc so she could have some money. Not cutting it off completely.

actually she would have had some of her money if the OP hadn't moved the debt from the loan company. she would have been making minimum payments. even if it had gone to court she wold never have had to hand over her entire pay packet each month. but as it is she has lost total control of all her money because of a decision someone else made for her that she had no say over.

You would expect OP to help-just not to take over and get officious- taking away things that she has no right to take away, and she was very seriously wrong in the first place by opening the post.
She is treating her like a naughty 9 yr old, not an adult who could do with some advice over finances.

I think this is touching a nerve with the folks that have controlling mothers - of course you did the right thing to sort out your daughter's debts, start on a new slate. You are not being over-controlling, on the contrary, you gave your daughter free rein and she doesn't know how to deal with it. I was all over the place at 18, couldn't see further than the end of my nose. Banks love people like that.

You robber. She earns £2.60 an hour and you want £100 a month so basicaly she gets nothing for working.

If my child was an apprentice Id support them and make sure they didnt have to pay me anything at all.

No wonder she is skint you are taking all her money.

I despise parents who as soon as their kids work start taking money from them. She is trying to learn a skill, get on the employment ladder and is being robbed by her parents.

as a nineteen year old myself, YABVU. She's an adult like you now, she needs to sort out her own messes. I got into overdraft trouble a few months back and sorted it by myself just fine

She must earn around £70 a week and you take £25 ffs. thats extortion.

Id taken a token jesture of a tenner but no mre than that, what about fares, lunches.

Social life.

Jesus H christ some parents are just plain greedy.

Fabby she is being supported - no rent, no bills, no food to pay for. Her earnings will be tax free. It's good to pay something for keep. YABU to imply OP is a 'robber'. Perhaps if you think she should take a little less off that would be fairer.

But not as greedy as the payday loan companies.

Fabby - wongamum hasn't had any money from her dd yet, so she isn't the reason her dd is skint.

When DS was an apprentice I didn't take any money off him, it didn't seem fair when we are supporting his brothers much longer through university. He has been much cheaper-I wish the others had done the same!

exotic thanks for that advice - I'm also half hoping my dd will gain a skill rather than go off to uni to do a degree with no employment prospects. I agree I don't think I would take much, if any, off her for housekeeping.

I do feel a bit for the OP.

No she shouldn;t have looked at the bank statement but bet in a way she is glad she did. If the dd had got a payday loan, that would be the beginning of a long running nightmare debt. She would probably have to do the same each month and if the adverts are anything to go by the interest is beyond belief.

Good for her to pay the debt off, and then educate her in how to manage money in the future.

I have to admit that i would not be taking keep from her when she is on such a low income, i would rather she kept it and budgeted well.

Bit of a catch 33 scenario, but hopefully the dd will have learned to her shame what potential mess she could have got herself into.

catch 22

"you gave your daughter free rein and she doesn't know how to deal with it."

actually no. the law gives all 18 year olds control over their own finances (special circmstances excepted). OP didn't give her free reign over anything. OP has no say over what another adult spends her money on or what credit she takes out.

"I think this is touching a nerve with the folks that have controlling mothers - of course you did the right thing to sort out your daughter's debts, start on a new slate."

i think it's touching a nerve with the folks who are controlling mothers.

I agree that has touched a nerve with controlling mothers.
A mother has no say at all.
The idea that you give your DD 'free rein' is laughable, you do not have the choice. It says it all when the bank will only deal with the DD and they will have nothing whatever to do with the mother.
The mother has no right to open post and no right to confiscate bank cards. No one has told me yet at what age you stop interfering-but I do see why people have with trouble with MIL, if their partner hasn't stood up to her in the past.
Had DS been my only DC then I might have taken money for keep and put it in a savings account for when he finished the apprenticeship, but as it was he had a very low wage and it was hardly fair to take it from him at 16yrs and still be supporting his 20yr old brother.

Absolutely the right thing to have done, OP, especially with the payday loan, she could have ended up owing thousands.

Not sure why most posters would stand by and watch their childrens lives turn into a car crash just because they are 19.

I agree mercy. My motive for agreeing with OP is not that I'm a controlling mother as Booyoo thinks, it is because when I was younger a similar thing happened to me. Dad bailed me out and I learned the lesson - forever. If he hadn't I don't know where I would have been.