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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confiscate her bank card?

402 replies

WongaWoman · 10/11/2011 21:11

Today I opened the October bank statement of my eldest DD (19) and was horrified to discover that she was overdrawn by £280, had been charged nearly £90 in authorised and unauthorised overdraft charges, had accrued over £40 so far this month in charges, and she had received a payday loan of £100 from a well known online payday loan company earlier in October.

She is only on apprentice pay of £2.60 per hour! I have now nearly killed myself to pay off her payday loan and overdraft. With back up from my DH I have confiscated her bank card until I get all my money back as I thought it was the cheapest option for her. She was in floods of tears tonight in embarrassment and at losing her independence.

I don't really know what else I could have done. AIBU?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:31

I don't think that those of you who haven't got a DC of 18 yrs yet have the least understanding! In the eyes of the law, banks, university, employers, student loans company etc they are an adult and as the parent you will be told it is confidential if you try and get any information out of any of them.
If you have been used to controlling every aspect of their lives you will be in for a shock.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 12/11/2011 15:32

I'm a bit Hmm at 'it's not up to you to 'allow' or not 'allow' another adult do anything' .

Whilst dd is living under the OP's roof she is entitled to a say. Would you allow your adult children to do what they please whilst living with you? How far does that stretch?

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:33

I thought that I had explained-if it is Blockbuster she probably doesn't owe it anyway. Who else would send me a letter from a debt collecting agency when I get the return date slightly wrong by mistake! (I have a perfect credit rating).

Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 15:33

exoticfruits I happened upon an envelope from a payday loan company several weeks ago when I was in her bedroom to retrieve my perfume that she had pinched (I could smell it in there she denied pinching it and denied knowledge of the envelope!) She told silly fibs as a child and does not seem to have grown out of it yet. I have now found the letter that corresponds with that envelope as well as the letter about the Blockbuster debt. She has never had any need to hide things from me. Some people are just this way, you would have to know her to understand. Yet she is a fantastic young lady. She is very kind and loving and she works really hard. I just feel I now need to protect her for a bit longer than the required 18 years!

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:33

Quite saggarmakers-I would move out.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:34

So when will you stop?

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 12/11/2011 15:35

But she can't afford it exotic and won't be able to if she keeps borrowing from payday loans.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:38

True. But when do you stop and make them take responsibility-with guidance, and not just protect i.e. treat them like a DC and sort and 'tell' what to do?

Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 15:40

exoticfruits My 18 year old DD2 has just started university this Autumn. I know she has far less money at her disposal than DD1 but she is totally different. Her bank statements are yet to be opened by her when she comes home next month.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 15:42

she is not entitled to a say in how the DD spends her money. she can ask for rent and put conditions on what will happen if DD doesn't pay rent, she can ask for electric money, food money, heating money. it is up to the DD to pay this and if not then her mother has a right to put into force the consequences of not paying her rent etc (ask her to leave, disconnect her internet, stop cooking for her doing washing etc) but she does not have any right to take control of her DD's debts or her bank account and dictate what her adult DD spends her money on.

Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 15:42

exoticfruits I will stop protecting her when she doesn't need protecting anymore. It can't be rushed I'm afraid it has to be done properly. I am hoping it will be very, very soon!

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:42

I admit it is difficult if you have an irresponsible one, but she will carry on being irresponsible if mother always sorts it. I am not saying that you don't need to help her with finances (as she seems useless) I just think that you are going about it the wrong way.

ilovesooty · 12/11/2011 15:43

I'd move out as well if my mother were in the habit of rooting through my room and belongings.

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:45

She could be 40yrs WongaWoman! My brother has been a wonderful example to my DSs of how not to handle money. They were amazed that a 40yr old could ask his mother for his birthday present (money) early!! They are consequently good with money. My mother had to stop around that point.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 15:46

wonga will you actually settle the £12 debt if she hasn't already done so?

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:46

My other brother and I thought she should have stopped years before!

exoticfruits · 12/11/2011 15:47

I should point out that she stopped because she was getting too old to worry about it-not that he has got sensible.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 12/11/2011 15:47

So seriously Boo you think that it's better that she throws her 19 year old, skint (and financially naive) but otherwise perfectly pleasant dd out on the street rather than temporarily confiscate her bankcard?

realhousewife · 12/11/2011 15:49

Wonga trust your instincts on this. If you say 'here's your debt letters, go and find a job to pay them off', it won't really work will it. You know that.

Perhaps what you can do is sit down with your own bills and card statements and show her the kind of levels of income you need just to keep your head above water? (assuming you're not loaded)

realhousewife · 12/11/2011 15:52

This thread reeks of Transference. We all transfer our own experiences to a certain extent, but refusing to listen to the OP's developing story and self-discovery is just arrogant. Angry (nearly)

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 12/11/2011 15:53

I agree realhouswife.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 15:53

no sagger, i didn't say that, but if that is the terms of her DD paying rent it's up to her. i dont know what conditions she has attatched to her DD living there and paying rent, if any.

Original poster
WongaWoman · 12/11/2011 15:54

HeresTheThing Yes I would. I want her to start again with a clean slate. Once she has settled with me I am hoping that she will have another go at being a responsible adult without getting into a horrendous mess that she can't get out of and that I can't help her with. Debt can ruin a person's life and has even caused people to end their lives. I just want her to have a chance, that is all.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 12/11/2011 16:00

wonga could i suggest that you use this £12 debt as a starting point for your DD to prove she can be responsible and is willing to sort out her own financial problems? clearly you are willing to help her out and clear it for her, so if it comes down to it and she just doesn't bother to clear it or cant get enough money for whatever reason then you can offer to step on but to start off, if it were me, i would be saying, "look, this one is small, prove you're taking responsibility and i'll feel alot happier giving you back your debit card". give her the chance to be an adult. if you clear it straight away, how can she try? at least if it doesn't work you can say you gave her a chance and you acting as you did may be somewhat justified.

Xenia · 12/11/2011 16:01

I have had three children of that age. They are still growing up and I don't parents should be reluctant to give them advice. My three were at university at 19 so not living at home except in holidays but I certainly tried to keep a reasonable watch on them.

I was involved with some universities last year who were talking about the issues of what a parent is entitled to know (which is of course is virtually nothing) as the children are adults.

I don't open the adult children's post. Occasionally I might have genuinely by accident and they open mine as I often ask them to and have nothing to hide and often want them to take any cheques to the bank. Adults determine with those with whom they live their own privacy rights agreements with each other.

Children will often be very different about money - my older three have been. I remember one had a boyfriend when she was 19 who had an apparently unlimited Amex card provided by his father. He had no concept of money really as he was only 19. Mine often offered to pay as I'd taught her that. The boy would accept. It would be somewhere much too expensive. I think we had some chats about it and I suggested her treats could be cooking him a meal etc.

The difficult issue for everyone with 18/19 year olds is the extent to which you let them make their own mistakes. I've never had any of them in real financial difficulties but a lot of parents have to decide do I do the bail out or will they assume that therefore the parent will always bail them out. Here the girl is being made to pay it back so that's a good lesson.

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