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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law far too hands on with dd?

111 replies

MrsHenryCavill · 10/11/2011 19:24

Right AIBU? My brother in law is becoming far too possessive with my dd 2yo. Last week whilst staying there for the weekend he said she did a poo in the toilet. I have only just introduced dd to the potty and he k learner it is etc but doesn't sit on it that often. He said she said "poo" so he took her to toilet where he sat her there whilst he cried. He said "she didn't like it but she did it". Since this incident dd will not tell me when she does a poo and if I ask her she now says no no no. She would always tell me before. I suppose I just feel like he has taken it upon himself to 'toilet train' her. Which is obviously my job. I am a single parent and I think he feels like he is some sort of father figure. There are other issues too like when other family members are about he tries to comand her attention and thy are all noticing too. What do I do??? Been trying to avoid a confrontation but I feel like he has overstepped the mark this time. AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHenryCavill · 10/11/2011 19:26

*and she is learning (sorry typing on phone) Smile

OP posts:
ballstoit · 10/11/2011 19:27

YANBU. I think he was/is trying to be helpful, but in the case he hasn't been.

Do your DSis and BIL have their own DC? Who else has noticed and what's been said? Could you have a chat with DSis and sound out her views on what his motives are?

MrTumblesBum · 10/11/2011 19:29

Oooh, YANBU!

My mum did 'something' that made my DD1 scared of the potty and I had to spend a couple of months after that just coaxing her into being happy to sit on it (well, ok, I said she could watch telly while she sat on it Blush)

runningwilde · 10/11/2011 19:30

If you are not comfortable listen to your gut instinct. Commanding her attention?! Tell him NO.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 10/11/2011 19:38

Well it's difficult to say... If you weren't there and she needed a poo, and you hadn't told him what to do in this situation, he may have just done what he thought was best at the time. What do you think he should have done instead?

Kids often get funny about poo when they are potty training so I wouldn't necessarily blame it on him.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 10/11/2011 19:38

Well it's difficult to say... If you weren't there and she needed a poo, and you hadn't told him what to do in this situation, he may have just done what he thought was best at the time. What do you think he should have done instead?

Kids often get funny about poo when they are potty training so I wouldn't necessarily blame it on him.

Original poster
MrsHenryCavill · 10/11/2011 19:39

My BIL n Dsis were trying but she has decided not to have any. He has 2 from previous marriage. my sis would be mortified to know how upset I've been and she is very sensitive. I suppose I just feel like screaming at him to just back off. It's so difficult with families. We are supposed to go there for Xmas and I'm dreading it! Other issues have been when I've asked him not to do things like pick her up by her arms, he once pulled her from my aunts arm and my dd looked really distressed. When I've said things to him it's like a child testing you as he'll keep on doing whatever it is for a couple of times before stopping. Reading this in black and White makers me feel like I'm really weak! Sad

OP posts:
doggiesayswoof · 10/11/2011 19:40

he sounds odd imo.

how does your sister fit into all this?

MrsMuddyPuddles · 10/11/2011 21:03

Families are hard, I'm pretty week with mine, too. Just keep asking yourself "is this what I want for DD? " Though I'm not sure id let someone around mine unsupervised after an incident like this potty poo thing. ..

RottenRow · 10/11/2011 21:30

My mil does this. For example had a big thing with her over hot coffee which she would leave within reach of dd just when they are at the ago of grabbing things from tables. She made a point of doing it despite being asked not to. Sorry have no advice but am interested to read your replies.

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2011 21:34

Alarm bells would be ringing for me.

What did you mean to say - he sat there and cried?

nailak · 10/11/2011 21:36

i think its admirable he cares and wants to be involved in her life and act as a male role model

Original poster
MrsHenryCavill · 10/11/2011 21:37

Thanks, I feel like its all just built up now. I do feel like i don't want her to be around him- especially unsupervised. My sister wasn't there at the time and tbh i think she would have told him not to. My mum cannot stand him and doesnt like him being around her so i don't think its just me. In general i'm a very easy going person so maybe I should go with my gut and make new Xmas plans...............

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 10/11/2011 21:40

I don't like this at all.

Your BIl is giving me the creeps and I think you should keep your child away from him. You need to tell him to back the fuck off and stop interfering with how you parent your child.

Your child depends on you to look out for her and take care of her and that means keeping her away from people who bully and steam roll all over you both.

His behaviour doesn't sit right with me. I think you should also talk to your sister about how he is with his own dc.

Cherriesarelovely · 10/11/2011 21:41

Yes nailak but he is not her parent and he is overstepping the mark. If you are asked by the parent of a DC not to do something you don't do it.

pookle10 · 10/11/2011 21:41

all sounds a bit wierd....."he sat there while she cried"?

pookle10 · 10/11/2011 21:45

always trust your gut instinct!!! don't leave your dc alone with him

nailak · 10/11/2011 21:49

did she tell him to not do it specificaly before he did it?
he might not be a parent of the child but he is family, and some people think it takes a whole family to raise a child, not just one person.

Proudnscary · 10/11/2011 21:54

Jesus

What is going on on here tonight?

If this is genuine, then of course don't leave her alone with him

Original poster
MrsHenryCavill · 10/11/2011 22:24

It is genuine. I think as a few have said on here it is like he bullys and steam rolls his way in. We have been out for dinner and he has sat in between me and dd and then helped her with her dinner. I dont know if its just that he is so desperate for a child with my sister that he is too keen with her. I think i will pluck up courage and speak with my sister. Thing is I can see that she hasnt bonded as well with dd as he takes over, which is uPsetting really as obviously i want my dd and her auntie to have a good relationship. I just hope this doesnt cause WW3.

OP posts:
MissVerinder · 10/11/2011 22:57

ding ding ding ding ding.

YANBU, tell him to back off. Now. Odd as a bottle of chips, that.

dearheart · 10/11/2011 23:04

My friends dp - now ex - is just like that. He's been v odd with both my dds - literally taking then out of my arms even when I've been trying to hold on. Overly controlling, assuming an intimacy that's inappropriate to the relationship and lacking in respect for the mother. I am v v careful not to leave my dds alone with him, and have got v clear about boundaries. You need to do the same - you are going to have to say 'bil I will deal with dd' firmly etc. And I would not leave your dd with your sis and bil again.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/11/2011 00:28

He sits in between you and your child at dinner?

He wouldn't get between me and my child Angry

Deepbreathkids · 11/11/2011 06:18

Whatever his motives are, they are inappropriate. He is not the parent, you are. He does not dictate who helps her eat etc, you do. You need to fix him with a beady eye and tell him as much.

nectarina · 11/11/2011 06:31

I agree with the others. I don't like it that he carries on doing whatever you've told him not to a couple of times just to let you know who's boss. It's childish and bullying.
I would either say no to going at christmas, or prepare yourself to letting him know what you're not comfortable with. Try the stuck record when he's repeating the same thing you don't like.
Take this as an opportunity to learn to be more assertive. It will help you in other areas of your life. and good luck!