Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in law far too hands on with dd?

111 replies

MrsHenryCavill · 10/11/2011 19:24

Right AIBU? My brother in law is becoming far too possessive with my dd 2yo. Last week whilst staying there for the weekend he said she did a poo in the toilet. I have only just introduced dd to the potty and he k learner it is etc but doesn't sit on it that often. He said she said "poo" so he took her to toilet where he sat her there whilst he cried. He said "she didn't like it but she did it". Since this incident dd will not tell me when she does a poo and if I ask her she now says no no no. She would always tell me before. I suppose I just feel like he has taken it upon himself to 'toilet train' her. Which is obviously my job. I am a single parent and I think he feels like he is some sort of father figure. There are other issues too like when other family members are about he tries to comand her attention and thy are all noticing too. What do I do??? Been trying to avoid a confrontation but I feel like he has overstepped the mark this time. AIBU??

OP posts:
runningwilde · 11/11/2011 06:49

This sounds totally creepy and wrong. You must do right by your dd and stand up to him.

do not leave him alone with her

Thumbwitch · 11/11/2011 06:57

Since you said it, yes you have been too weak with him. She is YOUR DD, and you need to remind him in the strongest terms necessary that this is the case. It matters not that he has DC from a previous relationship - she is YOURs, not his.

He has to back off and yes, I would make alternative plans for Christmas. I would also tell your sister plainly why - and say it is nothing against her but you feel as though your BIL is trying to play dad to your DD, when he isn't, and you are no longer going to put up with him riding roughshod over your wishes and requests.

LoveBeingAFirework · 11/11/2011 07:27

You have been too polite re sitting between you at dinner etc. You don't need to be rude, but do need to be firm and unambiguous.

AnotherEmptyNest · 11/11/2011 07:36

MrsHenryCavill

How does your DD behave when he's around? Does she try to keep away from him?

Would she be able to answer a question like, "Where does BiL touch you?" If she cannot talk yet, perhaps she could just point?

stayforappledunking · 11/11/2011 07:41

I am in two minds with this one.

Is your dd the only child in the family that he has contact with? Is he generally good with her as in plays games with her, talks to her, does the usual uncle type thing? Does she like him? I am thinking it could just be that he is over attentive because he isn't having children of his own and may not genuinely realise he is overstepping boundaries. I know any visiting family I have would probably have helped with the potty if I wasn't about or help with dinner.

The other side of me thinks you are bothered and alarm bells are ringing. If your mothers intuition is saying something isn't quite right then it probably isn't.

You need to say something to him at the time when he does these things. It doesn't have to be confrontational, just a thank you for the help but I don't potty train dd that way and she needs consistency or thanks for helping dd with her dinner but she is learning how to do it herself etc etc. If that doesn't work then have a more serious talk and if you have to, limit the visits until he backs off.

Liliana1 · 11/11/2011 07:44

This rang alarm bells with me too (although my best friend has recently gone through a horrible situation with a 'friend' and I am prob hyper sensitive about things like this atm).

I wouldn't let my dd be alone with him

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/11/2011 07:46

Not sure how some of you are getting from him being weird and controlling to 'ask her where he touches her'. Hmm

My auntie totally acts like she is my DD's parent and overrides me but I don't then assume she is sexually abusing her.

PosiesOfPoinsetta · 11/11/2011 07:46

If you feel uncomfortable then it most likely isn't right. Just quietly tell him, try and do it nicely and outside of when he's annoying you. Perhaps when he arrives, not once he's taken over.

Deepbreathkids · 11/11/2011 07:54

I agree with Fanjo.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 11/11/2011 08:05

So glad you posted that Fanjo, I was about to say the same thing.

OP you need to draw a line and from here on out tell him not to take your DD from people's arms, that you will sit and help your child eat thank you, that she is not his child and his behaviour is inappropriate and over stepping boundaries. You've a fair bit of time between now and xmas, you could either see how it goes in the mean time or just arrange something different now. I would be wanting a nice relaxed day and even if he miraculously decides not to be a controlling bully Hmm you still won't feel at ease in his presence all day will you.

Is his relationship with your sister good? I'd be keeping my relationship with her as tight as possible and letting her know I loved her. Does she spend anytime just with you and your dd??

Original poster
MrsHenryCavill · 11/11/2011 09:05

Thanks apple dunking and fanjo! I agree with apple on that he does play games with her etc and she does get excited to see him and he throws her about and the usual. She is the only child in the family so maybe u are right. And thanks Fanjo for saying that as I don't think that is the issue. I am going to be more assertive ad speak with my sister. I'm going to try n spend some time with dd and my sister together as I feel that they aren't building a relationship due to his behaviour.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 11/11/2011 09:20

I think you need to be much stronger here. You are her Mother and need to be protecting her.

BIL involved with potty training your daughter? - absolute no no. I don't mean to be rude but please never that happen again. Also what do you mean he "cried" Confused

I feel for you as it sounds like this man is driving a wedge in your family.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/11/2011 09:37

a BIL potty training one's daughter is not some instant "no no" because he is a man, that you "must never let happen again". Would have no qualms letting my BIL take DD to the toilet.

The issue is him being bossy and taking over.

kittya · 11/11/2011 09:40

Maybe he is trying to prove to your sister what a good dad he would be, in the hope of her changing her mind? It is abit full on I admit. Is your sister happy with him? how do you think she will react when you speak to her about it?

valiumredhead · 11/11/2011 09:44

Sometimes I think I live in a totally different universe when I read MN but then sensible posters like fanjo come along and I realise not!! He sounds bossy that is all, perhaps he thinks she needs a 'firm hand?'

kittya · 11/11/2011 09:47

I agree with the above but, out of curiousity, whats his relationship like with his other children. Does he see them much or, could he be missing them?

SomekindofSpanish · 11/11/2011 09:48

It's certainly inappropriate behaviour. Not sure why it has jumped to being touched, though Hmm.

I would not feel comfortable, either, op. He should not be taking over.

Why does your mum hate him? Is he overbearing in other situations?

valiumredhead · 11/11/2011 09:51

Where were you OP when this happened?

NormanTebbit · 11/11/2011 09:52

My Bil is very 'hands on' with my DD's and they absolutely love him - he is good fun, throwing them in the air, taking them to the park, coming up with daft games and yes taking them to the toilet very occasionally.

I think it's great they have such a positive relationship with him. But sometimes you have to be assertive. You are her mother and you need to put your foot down about what's best. I reckon if you stand your ground he will stop 'testing' you.

NormanTebbit · 11/11/2011 09:54

It might be that he feels he has licence to 'take control' as you are a single parent. You must get your courage together and stand up to him. And yes work on your relationship with sis. Don't let him start behavi g like 'the man of the house'

legallyblond · 11/11/2011 09:57

If alarm bells are ringing I would say follow your gut. It may be nothing, he may just be trying to help. Or it may be something less benign.

You are dd's mother and I would just do exactly what YOU feel is best. If you don't like his behaviour, in as nice a way as possible, say so.

We have a vaguely similar situation... well, not really I guess: DH's father is generally inappropriate, DH feels, towards children (sexually, that is). As result, he sees me/DD twice a year (DH sees him quite a bit alone) and never in his or our home, always in a public place (like a pub lunch) where we can "stage manage" so there is no physical contact.

Obv you don't need any solution as extreme as ours. However, with your child (for whom you have responsibility) I urge you to follow your gut and ensure, if you wish, tht contact between your B in law is on the terms you would like it to be.

legallyblond · 11/11/2011 09:59

By the way, agree with Fanjo... i wasn't drawing the paralell with Dh's father because I think OP's b in law is being sexually inappropriate AT ALL! I just wanted to give an example of parents choosing the terms on which their family interacts with their child in whatever way they feel is best.

if you feel he is being bossy and trying to take over, I would just nicely talk to your sis and him about it and say that it makes you feel uncomfortable, even if the sentiment is appreciated.

Miette · 11/11/2011 10:04

I think the OP meant to write "so he took her to toilet where he sat her there whilst she cried."

Hullygully · 11/11/2011 10:05

ffs

Hullygully · 11/11/2011 10:06

No I htink he cried because he is a freak homopaedopliliac all the evidence is there why dont you open your eyes and look he took her to the toilet and cried and sat next to her at dinner my god red flag red flag he is an abuser of the first rank it is so obvious