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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother in law far too hands on with dd?

111 replies

MrsHenryCavill · 10/11/2011 19:24

Right AIBU? My brother in law is becoming far too possessive with my dd 2yo. Last week whilst staying there for the weekend he said she did a poo in the toilet. I have only just introduced dd to the potty and he k learner it is etc but doesn't sit on it that often. He said she said "poo" so he took her to toilet where he sat her there whilst he cried. He said "she didn't like it but she did it". Since this incident dd will not tell me when she does a poo and if I ask her she now says no no no. She would always tell me before. I suppose I just feel like he has taken it upon himself to 'toilet train' her. Which is obviously my job. I am a single parent and I think he feels like he is some sort of father figure. There are other issues too like when other family members are about he tries to comand her attention and thy are all noticing too. What do I do??? Been trying to avoid a confrontation but I feel like he has overstepped the mark this time. AIBU??

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 11/11/2011 10:16

Read what Fanjo said and ignore the pitchfork wielders.

To me it sounds like he tried to be helpful - making her sit on the toilet when she didn't want to is not helpful, so you should set boundaries there, however, I don't think it's neccessarily bad that he wants to help, and that potty training should be down to you and you alone - when a child is learning, it needs adults to help. When mummy is busy otherwise, it's a good thing that another adult helps instead.

In the potty training of my daughter there were many people involved - me, my husband, my inlaws, the nursery nurses, her friends' parents etc. Never occurred to me that it should be left to me alone.

He's done it wrong, granted, and it;s an arse to undo the damage, so you need to talk to him about that. But in general it's not wrong that he wanted to help.

Also don't quite get what the issue is with him sitting between you and your daughter?

becstarsky · 11/11/2011 10:17

MrsHenryCavill you need to be much more assertive, as I think you already know. When he sits between you and DD for a meal, say "I'll be sitting next to DD" If he argues, laugh at him and say "Oh, sorry, I thought she was MY daughter! Silly old me! Excuse me now, mate, you're in my seat. Budge." Don't ask him not to do things in a wimpy way. If he does something like picking up by her arms, don't say 'Oh, don't do that BIL' say "What are you THINKING?! Look, I don't fancy spending the afternoon at A&E, so if you can't pick her up properly, don't pick her up at all, alright?" If he argues just say 'My kid my rules' like a broken record. He can only steamroller you if you lie down in front of him. You're a mum and mums should be lionesses when it comes to protecting their young. Roar at him, ffs!

becstarsky · 11/11/2011 10:21

PS although do try to roar in a good humoured way. He sounds irritating and misguided. Not sure where anyone got 'paedophile' from that... I have roared at various family members over the years, and we all still get on very well.

valiumredhead · 11/11/2011 10:21

If the Op wasn't around and her dd told the BIL she needed a poo ( when ds did this it was when he was hopping up and down!) perhaps BIL just plonked her on the loo, she made a fuss and he said 'Stay there til you have finished.' Perfectly reasonable, maybe he didn't realise she preferred the potty?

MrsVoltar · 11/11/2011 10:22

Grin Hully

There are some crazy responses here,

But, yes, he has overstepped the mark & been a bit controlling.

OP you just need to be very firm when he tries to take over, very, very firm.

My DSis was like this on occasion when DS was little, I know she was trying to help and has always been when I've been struggling a bit but I practically had to pull the buggy from her one day!!

It was almost like a comedy wrestle, "I'm pushing the buggy", "No, I am!!"

Be firm, he is probably just trying to be helpful, but needs to back off a bit.

MrsVoltar · 11/11/2011 10:25

Good advice becstarsky

Personally, I've always been quite happy if someone else wants to sit with DS at lunch, gives me peace to eat my own for a change! But wouldn't want someone to force that.

bottleofbeer · 11/11/2011 10:39

Little cautionary anecdote for you. By all means if you ever have dodgy instincts about somebody it's better to be safe than sorry but...a few years ago a middle aged couple moved in down this road. Another neighbour decided the male half of the couple was watching the kids and decided he was obviously a pervert.

Cue Christmas, he knocked on my door and brought all of my children a seclection box each, we invited him in and he said to us "my children were killed in an accident 20 years ago, so I lost them and will never have grandchildren. I love to see kids at Christmas". Yeah he liked to watch the kids playing in the street but his reasons were totally and tragically innocent.

That big gob neighbour jumped to nefarious conclusions and an innocent man was viewed with suspicion. How terribly sad.

MsBrian · 11/11/2011 10:54

I say trust your instinct and do not let this man take over. Hully's right he sounds like an abuser - don't subject your DD to this.

A mother's alarm bells are always to be trusted. I have a (sort of) relative who seemed to me was overly familiar with my DS - lots of rough and tumble (DS does not like that) and kisses and mentions of how gorgeous he is - creepy. Talked to DP who shrugged and said OK we'll make sure they are never alone. Couple of months later I chat to DSIL and she tells me how uncomfortable the same relative made her by behaving overly-familiar with her DC - she was totally creeped-out just like me. Not good.

becstarsky · 11/11/2011 10:59

Erm MsBrian I think Hully was joking...

Just saying.

MsBrian · 11/11/2011 11:03

Ops. Well I still think sitting a child on the toilet against their will and making them stay there crying is the kind of thing and abuser would do.
I suppose my childhood memories don't help with this kind of thing :(

rainbow2000 · 11/11/2011 11:04

I think trust your instincts but you have to let other people do stuff as well.About your lo and the toilet if he had let her poo herself you would be giving out about that as well.Did you tell him she only used the potty if not why not.I dont think hes a paedophile just overly enthusiastic(sp),but keep your wits about you and if you dont like something just say no.

Hullygully · 11/11/2011 11:05
MsBrian · 11/11/2011 11:08
Georgimama · 11/11/2011 11:09

God there are some frothing beserkers on this thread.

Obviously if the OP is uncomfortable with the extent to which her BIL is trying to interfere with the parenting of her DD then she needs to put a stop to it. But to suggest a man is clearly grooming a child because he cut up her dinner and took her to the loo Hmm.

FFS.

MsBrian · 11/11/2011 11:14

I didn't mean to say OP's BIL is grooming anyone - sorry. I really hope I don't come across as a frothing beserker

Georgimama · 11/11/2011 11:21

I wasn't specifically referring to you obrian. Actually the post that particularly riled me was the one up thread about asking the DD "where he touches her".

Georgimama · 11/11/2011 11:22

msbrian even. I've got Downton Abbey on the brain.

MsBrian · 11/11/2011 11:25

O'Brian! I like that Grin

Catslikehats · 11/11/2011 11:32

Jeeez.

If you are left alone with a two year old who you are aware is being "potty trained" and they announce "poo", sitting them on the toilet sounds like the right thing to do.

What on earth was he supposed to do?

JeremyVile · 11/11/2011 11:37

I think he 's a twat who feels that he has superior parenting skills to you.

He is using you and your dd to demonstrate his wonderful parenting abilities to your sister, and probably to everyone else while he's at it.

He is NOT trying to help, he is being a selfish prick.

JeremyVile · 11/11/2011 11:38

That wasnt the only incident TQOD.

becstarsky · 11/11/2011 11:42

No MsBrian you don't come across as a frothing beserker at all. You sound lovely. But the OP has said that her instincts are that sexual abuse is "definitely not the issue". You're absolutely right that she just needs to put a stop to whatever she is uncomfortable with. Thread just threatened to go a bit weird for a moment there...

I am now in Downton withdrawal... Feel positively bereft at mention of O'Brian.

FreudianSlipper · 11/11/2011 11:45

i think if he is making you feel uncomfortable listen to your instints

just tell him to back off a little, he may jsut want to act in a father role but he sounds like he is becoming a little too overbearing

WidowWadman · 11/11/2011 11:46

JeremyVile Yeah, it wasn't the only incident, if you count the audacity of sitting next to his niece at dinner. On rereading this thread I start hearing a gentle chopchopchopchop