To be so scared about making the wrong decision about having children...

[scaredycatandconfused]

...that I can't make any decision at all. (Name changed, since I'm baring my soul here.)

DH and I are mid/late 30s, and have been together since our early 20s. Through our 20s, neither of us wanted to start a family. I was very unsure about whether I ever wanted to have kids, DH says he always imagined himself with a family but the immediate prospect didn't appeal.

Over the last few years, I've started thinking that having a family might be really nice. I see how happy it makes other people, and I think I'd like to make a little family unit with DH and some children of our own. I have always felt very grounded by being part of my nuclear family (parents and DB) - and I'm sadly aware it's going to shrink and disappear as I get older - my parents are in their 70s, and my brother has his own family (I adore my DNiece and DNephew, and feel very lucky to be a part of their lives - but my brother's family is a little unit of their own now).

BUT, it's a wistful kind of feeling, not the kind of strong, definite desire that other people seem to have. I've never been really sure that it's what I want - I'm a bit of a funny bugger, and can't assume that what other people like will also make me happy. DH's feelings haven't really changed.

So, we've been umm-ing and ah-ing for years, putting off the decision, never deciding against it, but never going ahead. But I'm very aware that the decision is time-limited, and recently started putting on the pressure - not pressure over whether it's a yes or no, but pressure that we have to decide one way or another NOW. I've been saying that I'm pretty sure I would like to have children (honestly without pressuring him!), and DH finally said that we should go ahead then. But he had such an 'I really hate this idea' look! He still doesn't like the idea of never having a family, but finds the thought of the sleepless nights, 24/7 child-care, lack of personal time etc really unappealing - and that would be the immediate reality of starting a family. I'm not (very) worried about him being unsupportive or holding this against me when things are difficult, but it does make me feel even more unsure of myself - the whole responsibility for the decision is lying with me!

Ironically, now that we've made the decision to go ahead, I'm big-time doubting myself again. What if I hate having kids? Will I spend the next 20 years - most of the remainder of my active life - regretting it, and feeling trapped? Will DH hate it, and will that ruin our marriage? Will I end up with a host of permanent health problems from the pregnancy/child-birth (I know the health one is a bit paranoid - but it does happen!). Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools - or will I just get bored ?

BUT, if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences - which would make us really happy, and give us a focus and connection to the world for the rest of our lives? I'm aware that I lack imagination sometimes, and I often don't recognise things that would make my life better - will all this worry seem ludicrous once we've actually got a real child?

I know that this is obviously a decision for me to make myself, not a load of strangers on the internet :) But I'm hoping for some words of wisdom, or some insight you guys might have: either how your own expectations before having children compared to reality, or else whether you think my ambiguous feelings are normal / an indication that I shouldn't have children. Frankly, I'm despairing - and any advice would be welcome!

Thanks for reading - sorry it's such a long post!

That's very true Lillian and I think they way the OP phrased her question, and her subsequent posts, actually show that she wants to have children and just needs reassuring. That's how I see it anyway.

Llanarth I agree too. I think the OP wants kids, but wants reassurance. I think its worth her looking at all the childfree stuff just so she knows thats definitely NOT for her. I think it will help her with her doubts tbh rather than make her go actually I don't want children. I think her questioning what she wants is quite healthy.

The thing that jumps out at me, in the OP is the 20 year thing... she mentions it more than once. I think posting on forums you can often reveal more subconsciously than you actually realise. Thats one of the reasons I mentioned it. She's imagining life for the next twenty years and all of it involves children - perhaps she's questioning it, but she's not imagining life without children...

... and yeah that thread IS depressing and very sobering. There is no doubt those people LOVE their kids but are still struggling with it.

The other factor is that sometimes, when a child-free person says "I don't want children", parents feel that their own personal life choices are under attack, so they adopt the "My life is so fulfilled and yours is empty and selfish" approach.

It's like if you'd just spent your life savings on a Ferrari, and someone said "I wouldn't buy a Ferrari even if I could"

Nottheone...I think you hit the nail on the head there, and people often react in a knee jerk/defensive way when they feel attacked.
The two sides of the argument then tend to become increasingly polarised, unwilling and unable to 'get' the others point.
Add in some good old fashioned confirmation bias ('I've never met anyone who regretted having kids') and objectivity is defenestrated!!

Yes, almost makes me long for a SAHM vs WOHM fight discussion

I think that regret having children thread shows a lot ofthe regrets come from mums who say I wasnt a baby/child person or I was a bit ambivilent towards kids but was persuaded into it etc. Thats why I think no one should be forced to have kids.

For myself, and the vast majority of my friends we work in a child related field, all we have ever wanted to do is have children ourselves and be with children. I would rather be at butlins than having wine on the coast of france as its my personality. It depends what you like out of life and do think kids will be harder for you if you dont love doing childrens things lots. I think it is harder if yoru dh isnt really really passionate about having kids to as that could make it harder for you like the threads you do see on here where they hardly ever change nappies or dont take them for x amount of time a week.

QA It's the free from the loss part that makes it sneery. It could have just been positive, but it's not.

I don't join 'I don't have any pets' forums....

I don't read it any more sneery than 'No one regrets having children, but you'll always regret NOt having them'.

If you are a mother having a moment of regret, it's another stick to beat women with 'YOU ARE NOT A PROPER WOMAN!!!!'.

And I can sincerely say I regret many things in my life- but not having children wouldn't even be in the top 40.

Oh, I've regretted having children many a time
And I've adored having children equally often

I take The Long View - I'll get through the crying/holding/bad nights/tempertantrums/mum-as-taxi-service years for the longterm return: interesting people in my life, who amaze me daily with their view of the world, who will hopefully grow up to lead Good Lives. And maybe provide me with grandchildren (4 boys - I think I have a fair chance to expect GCs ).

To the OP: I totally agree with the Leap of Faith concept. And to not overthink it - if you think about it too logically nobody would ever procreate .

FWIW, I had my first aged 37, my last at 44, had been with DH for 10 years before we had Nr1.
Prior to that, after we had agreed rather halfheartedly that we would let Nature take her course, I'd had 3 MCCs.
The thought of possibly not being able to have DCs at all fair focused my mind...

Good luck - whatever you decide.

You don't join the "I don't have any pets" forum because no-one expects you to have pets, and you don't get funny looks for not having pets or not wanting pets, or get told "you'll change your mind" about having pets. Maybe you will, but maybe you won't.

I'm not saying that you do these things to women who choose not to have children, but it is something that happens.

I think that often whenever there is a choice to be made, people make the choice and them immediately start acting as if the alternative choice is wrong. They can't let themselves think that they may have made the wrong choice so they have to convince themselves that the other choice was never an option. So people get defensive about the choice they made and can seem as if they are attacking people who made the opposite choice, which is quite sad really.

"Show me my minority report!!"

Really close to my heart, this. I am the classic 'shit, I'm nearly 40, never felt broody but will I be missing out if I don't have one' mum.

I had DS as a total leap of faith. I did regret it, to be brutally honest. I had horrific PND which I am recovered from now, but still mourn the loss of my freedom on a daily basis.

I love my DS to bits, and now that he is here I'm excited about the future, love being with him etc etc but if I could choose to wind the clock back, knowing what I know now, I can't say I wouldn't give childfree living real consideration.

I have a new view now - I think that people should not have kids, as the default. If they really, positively want kids, they should of course have them. If they think 'umm not sure' then that's an answer in itself. You don't actively want them, so don't have them.

DS will be an only, but it is still a nuclear bomb sized life change. If you aren't sure, take longer to decide. Don't just do something becuase you think you 'should'. Be true to yourself, do exactly what you positively want.

I am another one who completely relates to your post, and has come out the other side and am now a happy mother of one with another due in a few weeks.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would though when we finally started ttc a few months before my 36th birthday. We conceived right away but went on to have two miscarriages and spent about £15k on failed fertility treatments. it took three years in the end, and that was after being told our chances were almost null.

That scenario unfortunately becomes a real risk after the age of 35.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you're pretty clear on the whole thing. You said you feel ready and want to go ahead. I wouldn't worry too much about your DH's panic if he is agreeing and has already made it clear he does want children. You can't take on the burden of both his and your own anxiety. You have sorted yours out; his will also resolve.

And for me at least, my DH saying he wanted children "some day" started to sound to me a bit like "but I'm not bothered if it's with you" as my time started to run out. I'm sure that's not what your DH means either but he has to be acquainted with the reality of women's fertility.

You might also want to ask him about quantity - it turned out my DH felt incredibly strongly about the child we eventually had against all odds having a sibling. It almost came to donor eggs but after more miscarriage and IVF fun I am about to give birth again, at 42!!

I only wish it had happened a few years earlier, in both cases. And I shudder to think of those dark years when it seemed we wouldn't be parents at all.

it's not for everyone, but if you feel it's something you want to experience in life, do go for it now.

no one likes sleepless nights and all that but it is one tiny part of a lifelong family relationship. I won't rattle on about how wonderful it is having children (or how awful) since plenty of others have. The bottom line is your children are an extension of you and DH, they are your family, and once you have them you can't imagine not having known them and helping them along in their own lives.

best wishes.

What I don't understand is why people don't foster or adopt more rather than breed their own (though I appreciate the authorities can make it diffcult) - then you can miss out on the hideous pregnancy/childbirth/baby stage and go straight to more rewarding bit, knowing you have helped an unwanted child & not contributed to overpopulation? Whilst I consider myself 'childfree' as in I never want to breed my own (despite my excellent quality genes ;-)), I have never actually ruled out fostering an older child as I love my neice and nephew to bits now they are not babies!

I shall have the last word! You clearly have feelings about family so go for it and good luck.

I have thought about adoption actually. Though it's really not so simple as 'just adopt' instead of having your own (not saying you think this, but some people talk of it that way). It's generally considered that parenting an adopted child is more difficult in many ways, espeically these days as there is usually a reason the child is needing adoption, i.e. something has gone very badly wrong in their original home/family.

And of course there's a difficult process to go through to even get to that stage, and a very intrusive process, not sure I'd feel comfortable subjecting myself to that.

I guess lots of people don't want to miss out on the tiny baby stage as well, though personally it wouldn't bother me!

I always said growing up saying I wanted to adopt. It seemed more natural and normal to me - having my own children on the other hand still seems rather alien. My DH has said a flat no to the idea. And I do understand why, though it could be considered selfish. He just doesn't feel as if he would be able to deal with an older child with special needs. I think he would feel differently if we had a disabled child - its the age and being ill equipped to suddenly deal with issues because you haven't grown with the child and slowly grown to understand their needs that bothers him. Plus he has the thing that he wants to see someone in his own image too. He's right in saying that adoption isn't a substitute for having your own children and I'm glad he's honest about his feelings with it. Its a completely different kind of comittment that needs different considerations.

Fostering is something that we might consider though, but again, I echo what Ephiny says about the intrusion bothering me - or how I would feel about kids leaving me. And I wonder if fostering instead of having my own children would end up bothering me more, about my lack of own children. I'm not convinced it would be for me.

I'm not sure either adoption or fostering are 'substitutes' for having your own kids and I'm slightly when they are suggested as such. Its just a totally different experience. I greatly admire people who do it, as it is a different thing that offers challenges that other families don't necessarily face.

My DP is also not keen on adoption. I think part of it is that he feels it would be wrong as we'd be potentially 'taking away' a baby from someone who can't have their own, not sure I'm totally convinced by that as surely adoption should be about finding the best home for the child, whoever that might be, rather than 'providing' a baby for the most deserving couple?

Also he has stronger feelings than I do about having and raising his 'own' child, which of course is perfectly natural, and probably how most people feel.

I do agree that adoption is not a straightforward 'substitute' for having a child the normal way, and that's probably not a very helpful way to think about it.

You are not desperate to have children. So tbh I wouldn't have them.

Life is full of choices and we never know how things may have turned out if we had taken a different choice.

Statistically, non parents are happier than parents. Yes children can make you happy, but you don't knopw how happy you would be if you never had them.

Saying that, ime some people do seem much happier after they have their children - but some don't. It is a big commitment, so unless you feel sure about it, I wouldn't have a child.

But don't be put off by the hard work. ime lots of things that are rewarding are hard work e.g. particular jobs, organising big family party, etc, but can be very rewarding.

This thread is throwing up more questions than answers for me but in a positive way.

I'm a bit at the Molly's comment that "I think if you have got to your ages and you dont feel broody then you probably dont want kids" as its a bit of a generalisation.

I won't bore you all here with what I've been up to for the last 10 years but had I not been so preoccupied, I may well have felt that creeping broodiness. I also feel that it could well be my rational, pragmatic side that is keeping broodiness at bay until such a time that having children would be a fulfilling, manageable and healthy (in all senses of the word) experience for me, my DP and any DCs I may bring in the world.

It's only now I'm feeling the very real possibility that the sands of fertility may be starting to run out that I'm pondering the decision before true irrationality broodiness has kicked in.

Rogue 'the' in there. Apologies, the Molly

I think that a lot of the women who say they regret having children are either in the midst of depression or are in the early years of parenting, It does get easier.

I detest the phrase, and the concept, of 'broodiness' - makes my teeth itch.

I have never been broody, never had an interest in other people's children, never cooed over random babies in their prams when out and about (as my mother did and does, to my mortification ). I always knew I wanted a family. Go figure.

People get so hung up on the concept of babies, when really we should all be thinking a bit more about creating a new person. Conception takes a moment (when it works well IYKWIM), pregnancy 9 months, the most awful labour/childbirth is over in a few days and even a baby is only a baby for a year or 2.
The person you made well be in your life for many years, hopefully well beyond the time that they physically need you.

'Tis the same problem with 'weddings' and 'marriage' IMO

V v interesting thread and yes, throws up more questions than answers.
To me the OP sounded more like she wanted to have a family in principle, but had cold feet at the thought of it actually happening. She did not sound like she had doubts about whether or not having children was the right choice for her.

Personally, I have never ever judged anybody who lives a childfree life - why on earth would I?? - but do struggle being sympathetic with people who treat the children they have with disinterest/dislike or worse.

I have never been broody, never had an interest in other people's children, never cooed over random babies in their prams when out and about I always knew I wanted a family. Go figure.

I feel the same. Your comments really ring home, Pacific. I have always found it interesting that the most important person(s) in my life (in the way that I am that person to my Mum) does not exist yet. I'm also absolutely fascinated by the notion of what someone who is part my DP, part me would be... God, look out world...

All very romantic and flimsy of me, I'm sure!