To be so scared about making the wrong decision about having children...

[scaredycatandconfused]

...that I can't make any decision at all. (Name changed, since I'm baring my soul here.)

DH and I are mid/late 30s, and have been together since our early 20s. Through our 20s, neither of us wanted to start a family. I was very unsure about whether I ever wanted to have kids, DH says he always imagined himself with a family but the immediate prospect didn't appeal.

Over the last few years, I've started thinking that having a family might be really nice. I see how happy it makes other people, and I think I'd like to make a little family unit with DH and some children of our own. I have always felt very grounded by being part of my nuclear family (parents and DB) - and I'm sadly aware it's going to shrink and disappear as I get older - my parents are in their 70s, and my brother has his own family (I adore my DNiece and DNephew, and feel very lucky to be a part of their lives - but my brother's family is a little unit of their own now).

BUT, it's a wistful kind of feeling, not the kind of strong, definite desire that other people seem to have. I've never been really sure that it's what I want - I'm a bit of a funny bugger, and can't assume that what other people like will also make me happy. DH's feelings haven't really changed.

So, we've been umm-ing and ah-ing for years, putting off the decision, never deciding against it, but never going ahead. But I'm very aware that the decision is time-limited, and recently started putting on the pressure - not pressure over whether it's a yes or no, but pressure that we have to decide one way or another NOW. I've been saying that I'm pretty sure I would like to have children (honestly without pressuring him!), and DH finally said that we should go ahead then. But he had such an 'I really hate this idea' look! He still doesn't like the idea of never having a family, but finds the thought of the sleepless nights, 24/7 child-care, lack of personal time etc really unappealing - and that would be the immediate reality of starting a family. I'm not (very) worried about him being unsupportive or holding this against me when things are difficult, but it does make me feel even more unsure of myself - the whole responsibility for the decision is lying with me!

Ironically, now that we've made the decision to go ahead, I'm big-time doubting myself again. What if I hate having kids? Will I spend the next 20 years - most of the remainder of my active life - regretting it, and feeling trapped? Will DH hate it, and will that ruin our marriage? Will I end up with a host of permanent health problems from the pregnancy/child-birth (I know the health one is a bit paranoid - but it does happen!). Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools - or will I just get bored ?

BUT, if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences - which would make us really happy, and give us a focus and connection to the world for the rest of our lives? I'm aware that I lack imagination sometimes, and I often don't recognise things that would make my life better - will all this worry seem ludicrous once we've actually got a real child?

I know that this is obviously a decision for me to make myself, not a load of strangers on the internet :) But I'm hoping for some words of wisdom, or some insight you guys might have: either how your own expectations before having children compared to reality, or else whether you think my ambiguous feelings are normal / an indication that I shouldn't have children. Frankly, I'm despairing - and any advice would be welcome!

Thanks for reading - sorry it's such a long post!

DP always wanted a kid and it took nearly 10 years for me to grudgingly agree. Pre-DS I loved freedom, nights out, sleeps in, enough money, swanky holidays etc. In all honesty I do miss these like mad. Also, I would have gouged my own eyes out rather than have to raise a disabled child. Yes I do sometimes feel trapped and insanely jealous of DP's 'leisure time' on his commute to work .

All this is outweighed by just how great DS is and it will be my privilege to help him as his disability will require for the rest of his life. My kid changed me and we're a little team. Go for it.

I'd like to add to what everybody has said, that having a child is not the same for everyone, in that it doesn't change your life in the same way for everyone. If you are like me, you have an image in mind of what it means and what it will be like, and this image might scare you a bit. It took me well into DS's first year to realise that things can also be done differently and are still fine. So, if there are particular things that put you off, you could read up on them and see how true they actually are and if there are ways around them. For instance, if you absolutely do not want to give up your job, nor even take a long maternity leave, you can consider now already if there are other options, such as nurseries or family help or DH taking leave, and how you would feel about that.
In a similar vein, these are things you can discuss with your DH. Perhaps he has certain preconceptions as well. Together you can talk about how you would like to arrange things, and then maybe the decision for or against will be easier to make.
Then, when the time comes, things will probably work out differently again - but the fact that no-one can tell you how you will feel once baby has arrived, nor are there any guarantees that baby will be healthy, these things needn't put you off thinking ahead and talking through scenarios as best as you can.

stop Thinking so hard!! There are always good reasons to talk yourself out of procreation!
Having kids is a big step, yes, but it's an amazing experience, it changes your life, but in a good way IMO.
As someone on here once said to me, "you only regret the children that you didn't have"! And I quite agree.
Don't forget that once you hit your mid thirties, your fertility declines. If you know that you might want kids at some point, you should probably start thinking about it before you miss the boat!

Wow, what wonderful, positive responses! It's really interesting to hear so many of you say that the sleepless nights, logistics and chores become unimportant. Those are the things people mainly talk about when you discuss having children - probably because the other parts are difficult to put into words, or maybe they think the positives are really obvious! I'm aware there are nice parts too :). Seeing other people with their children is what made me realise that I'd like to have a family too - but I'm sure it's difficult for me to understand what it's really like from the outside. Reading these posts makes me more confident that it's a sensible thing to want though!

I know I'm over-thinking... I do like to think about things and make conscious choices- it's just the way I am - so I wouldn't want to just leave it to nature. (I'm not very organised generally though!)

I also know that I've already left it really late, possibly too late. I definitely wasn't ready to have children before though, so I guess this is just the situation I'm in. If I find that I can't conceive, I'll be disappointed - but I think I'll accept that I've made choices in my life, and this is how it's turned out. To answer SingingSand's question, if I found out I was pregnant I think I'd be really happy though still quite scared.

Great post Flora

I was never clucky, baby focused or anything like that remotely. No burning desire for babies or even family. I had my babies late at 40 and 43. Best thing I've ever done.

Right, well unless you can afford staff, you'll be cooking and cleaning for the rest of your life anyway, adding additional people into that mix doesn't massively increase the work load, just a little. Let's not pretend a no-child life is all airport lounges and cocktails, day to day life for most people is a little bit dull and includes a lot of chores, that isn't massively different.

If you don't want to give up work, don't. I went back when DS was 13 months old, a lot of friends were back at 8 months, most woman on track for partnership at our work are back by 4 months. It's not 'odd' to be a working mother.

If you can afford childcare, a couple of nights out a month with paid childcare/family help (and even more if you can afford cleaners!) a lot of the 'down sides' aren't all that bad.

FloraPost - thanks so much for sharing that. The possibility of having a disabled child is a big fear, and one you never feel allowed to vocalise - and because of that, it's a fear that's never addressed.

I think very few people will admit to regretting having kids, because it seems tantamount to regretting the existence of your children.

As much as I love my children and do the best I can for them, if I 'had my time again' I would not have children.
It's just too much sacrifice and hard work with not enough reward, a life sentence of worry & responsibility

"I haven't ever heard anyone say they regretted having children"

Parents don?t tend to go around telling people they regret having their children! I have a close friend who regrets it, but she has only told me that. She loves her children, but wouldn?t have had a family given the chance to go back to her pre children life.

IMO if you are ambivalent about having children, you shouldn?t have them; children are something that should be wanted absolutely, unequivocally and wholeheartedly. My parents love me, but I always felt that they regretted having children, and my mother has even told me that she had me because her friends were having children and she didn?t want to be the ?odd one out?. That is a hurtful thing for a child to deal with.

True scaredy. If I'd had an amnio at 12 weeks or whatever I would have terminated, no question. Now I'm sooooooooo glad I didn't have the amnio. If your child has health issues then dealing with those becomes your normal. I'm a shallow and selfish beast but I have never looked over my shoulder to mourn the 'perfect' child I don't have. I don't see it as hugely different to a child disappointing its parents by running away with the circus instead of taking an Oxbridge first. Don't have rigid preconceptions and you won't be disappointed.

Chances are your DC will be healthy, of course!

At the moment, it is about 90% hard work and 10% enjoyment. I'm hoping the amount of enjoyment goes up soon when they are older.

I think if you have more than 1 child, it is very, very hard until the youngest is about 3 yrs old - and from then on it gets a lot easier until they are mid teens, where you have to help them through to adulthood and that can be fraught.

You sound just like I was! I never liked babies or had any maternal feelings whatsoever. I couldn't see myself with little kids at all, but I could imagine myself with adult children - shopping with a daughter, travelling to interesting places etc etc. And when I thought about it, I found it hard to imagine later life without a family unit. This feeling intensified when I lost my Mum. My dh liked kids but wasn't in any hurry - he would have liked another 10 years of 'fun', but he accepted that time wasn't on our side. So we took the plunge, deciding to 'see what happened' as it could be we'd already dithered too long - and of course I got pregnant immediately. It was such a shock. I think I was in denial for the first 6 months of my pregnancy. I got quite depressed and felt we'd made a massive mistake. I kept saying to friends 'my life is over, isn't it?'.

Perhaps it was because I had such low expectations, I don't know, but when I finally found myself with a daughter, it was wonderful. Truly wonderful. Not immediately, to be fair, the first couple of months were terrifying and a blur of hard work with little reward, but then one day they smile at you, and WHAM, BAM... I love my life now. I thought I'd be back at work after three months, but no thanks. I'm being a stay at home mum till she goes to school and I'm loving every second. Who would have thought it? Not me. Not for a second. And dh? Besotted. Can't wait for the next one to come along. Bores his colleagues witless with baby photos.

It IS different when it's your own. In the same way that other people's husbands are not very interesting, but your own is fabulous. It's not just a baby, it's a person. I don't think I grasped that till I had one.

Good luck

Bear in mind that people on average are happier without children than with children. This is true in all walks of life, across socio-economic backgrounds.

Having kids makes you less happy.

"In Nobel Prize-winning economist Daniel Kahneman?s oft-cited study of working women, he found that childcare ranked almost last in pleasurability out of 19 activities. These women preferred many things to childcare, including exercising, shopping, and housework"

Housework better than childcare? The thing I hate about having children IS the extra housework. I love actually spending time with them.

OP, you sound delighted at the idea of having a family and so I would go ahead. Most people do enjoy having children (not all the time constantly, as with anything in life).

I was a bit like you. We both liked the idea of a "family" but I was unsure about the whole "baby" bit. We decided one drunken night that it was a good idea. Reassessed in the morning and decided to go for it. Next month, I was pregnant. TBH the speed of it was more of a shock than anything and it took me a good few months to get my head around it, particularly as we'd just committed to buying a new, expensive house. Anyway, to cut a long story short we now have 2 kids, I'm SAHM as work/school never worked for me. I look at my kids and can't imagine life without them. As others have said, let nature take its course and remember, babies are only the start and that difficult bit does finish and you get on with having real people in your lives. I much prefer the children to the babies!

When we started our family were quite skint so there were no 'luxury holidays and affluent lifestyle' to miss so that helped!
Now we are comfortable and we can enjoy holidays etc with the kids and not hanker after a lifestyle we never had.
If that makes sense.
I suppose what I'm saying is the older you are, generally speaking, the more affluent your lifestyle and the harder the decision becomes as you are enjoying the luxurious fruits of your labour. I know my friends in their late 30s and 40s who are still pondering this are very torn.

Sorry, have broken my usual rule of not posting without reading the whole thread, but I just wanted to say, as I'm sure others have said, that I could absolutely have written your post OP.

I was never desperate to have kids and my perceived downsides didn't really appeal. But eventually DH and I, when in our mid-30s, decided just to bite the bullet. I had a lot of insecurities and fears, but having DS is one of the best things I ever did. All the perceived downsides turned out to be actually true (sleepless nights, lack of personal time etc), but they're less important now and the joy of having DS more than makes up for it.

It's like walking on a double-edged sword isn't it?

If you choose not to have children you eventually get to the point where having your own biological child is very unlikely and the choice is taken from you.

If you choose to have children and are lucky enough to get pregnant and have a baby then you're in it for the long haul - you can't really change your mind!

I have 3 girls and love them immensely. One is disabled with complex needs and the idea of caring for her at home forever and ever freaks me out with the sheer overwhelmingness of it all. Having a child with SN is like having your skin turned inside out with all the nerve endings on the outside.

But do I regret having them? Sometimes yes, for a fleeting moment when I'm tired, broke, DH is away and I'm all alone with them and have to juggle chores, work, school and all the demands a family brings.

But for the majority of the time I adore being a mum - my children are funny, clever, kind and sweet girls who I think are a valuable addition to the world. We have a laugh and they complete me and make DH and I a family.

The wish to be part of a family unit you express so well is common. Not everybody has the burning to desire to cuddle an ickle baby of their own. I felt more like that, wanted a family not 'a baby'.

The worries you have are normal and actually it's good you are thinking realistically about what having a family is really like - lots of people don't. It is hard, but like everyone says, ultimately worth it.

If I were you, I would go for it.

of course it's really hard and mind-numbing at times

but it is worth it

so you can choose to be childless if you wish - but I think that's a souless, sad choice

there are different perspectives on having children - once you've had them you understand both sides and you sometimes mourn for the childless days - but if you haven't had children you'll never understand both sides.

I've seen both sides and having children is better IMO

I'm about a year behind you OP. I completely relate to everything you're saying.

All our lives we've the luxury of all of this choice, all of these possibilities. I've not had a particularly privileged upbringing in the traditional understanding of the word, but I look back and think how lucky I am to have had so many great experiences. In the main, experiences I've chosen. My Mum, who had few choices, has striven to set me off to sail in a life abundant with them. In some ways we're a really lucky generation, in others, its a bit of an albatross.

Now I feel like I might have my choices taken away unless I make a decision soon. But I wouldn't want to force DP into a corner just because of some imaginary ticking clock. And I wouldn't want to make such a huge step just because the option to take that step is diminishing.

My life is pretty much bang on how I want it. Give or take. But I can't imagine not having kids. And I know I could cope and I'm ready for it. I'm also concerned that I feel pretty strongly that in an ideal world, if I'm going to have kids, its to be more than one. I feel the pressure mounting. I can feel time running out.

I know there's never a 'right time' but now is pretty blatantly the wrong time. And DP would FREAK OUT if he even thought I was having these thoughts, so at least you're over one big hurdle OP, your DH is on side (however seemingly reluctant!)

Bleurgh... I don't even know what I'm trying to say - just - you're not alone OP!

Just re-read that and didn't mean it to sound in p3 that I think that's what you're doing, OP, I don't.

I felt like you in my 20s. But in my 30s the biological clock started ticking and I was desperate for child. Nature intervened and had fertility problems but several rounds of IVF later I got pregnant. Even after longing for a child for so long the big fat positive test made me worry about the impact of a child on my life. The doubts soon went and along came dd. Now parentingcan be monotonous, the domestic drudgery etc. BUT I can say I have never felt more Contented. Dd brings such joy to our lives. Before dd, I had fantastic job, wardrobe, holidays etc but there was always a void.

I do have a single friend who has ummed and ahhed about children. To be honest I can't imagine her as a parent. She just seems too independant and likes her own time etc. I could be totally wrong.

Only you can make your decision but I agree that more people regret not having them than having them.
Best of luck op.

I think what I was getting at OP is that you sound like me - you try and rationalise everything. And fundamentally, this is something that can't really be rationalised...