To be so scared about making the wrong decision about having children...

[scaredycatandconfused]

...that I can't make any decision at all. (Name changed, since I'm baring my soul here.)

DH and I are mid/late 30s, and have been together since our early 20s. Through our 20s, neither of us wanted to start a family. I was very unsure about whether I ever wanted to have kids, DH says he always imagined himself with a family but the immediate prospect didn't appeal.

Over the last few years, I've started thinking that having a family might be really nice. I see how happy it makes other people, and I think I'd like to make a little family unit with DH and some children of our own. I have always felt very grounded by being part of my nuclear family (parents and DB) - and I'm sadly aware it's going to shrink and disappear as I get older - my parents are in their 70s, and my brother has his own family (I adore my DNiece and DNephew, and feel very lucky to be a part of their lives - but my brother's family is a little unit of their own now).

BUT, it's a wistful kind of feeling, not the kind of strong, definite desire that other people seem to have. I've never been really sure that it's what I want - I'm a bit of a funny bugger, and can't assume that what other people like will also make me happy. DH's feelings haven't really changed.

So, we've been umm-ing and ah-ing for years, putting off the decision, never deciding against it, but never going ahead. But I'm very aware that the decision is time-limited, and recently started putting on the pressure - not pressure over whether it's a yes or no, but pressure that we have to decide one way or another NOW. I've been saying that I'm pretty sure I would like to have children (honestly without pressuring him!), and DH finally said that we should go ahead then. But he had such an 'I really hate this idea' look! He still doesn't like the idea of never having a family, but finds the thought of the sleepless nights, 24/7 child-care, lack of personal time etc really unappealing - and that would be the immediate reality of starting a family. I'm not (very) worried about him being unsupportive or holding this against me when things are difficult, but it does make me feel even more unsure of myself - the whole responsibility for the decision is lying with me!

Ironically, now that we've made the decision to go ahead, I'm big-time doubting myself again. What if I hate having kids? Will I spend the next 20 years - most of the remainder of my active life - regretting it, and feeling trapped? Will DH hate it, and will that ruin our marriage? Will I end up with a host of permanent health problems from the pregnancy/child-birth (I know the health one is a bit paranoid - but it does happen!). Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools - or will I just get bored ?

BUT, if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences - which would make us really happy, and give us a focus and connection to the world for the rest of our lives? I'm aware that I lack imagination sometimes, and I often don't recognise things that would make my life better - will all this worry seem ludicrous once we've actually got a real child?

I know that this is obviously a decision for me to make myself, not a load of strangers on the internet :) But I'm hoping for some words of wisdom, or some insight you guys might have: either how your own expectations before having children compared to reality, or else whether you think my ambiguous feelings are normal / an indication that I shouldn't have children. Frankly, I'm despairing - and any advice would be welcome!

Thanks for reading - sorry it's such a long post!

Was going to add, I know plenty of selfish parents- they've just extended "self" to include their own DC, at the expense of everyone else and their DC. Appearing at a soft play centre near you now..........

Earthdog, I'm a childfree woman too and I think you have every right to post on this and every other MN board! Personally I'm here because I'm an Early Years professional - I came on here to see what advice parents give each other about sleeping/potty training etc and stayed for the fabulous fashion tips! I'm not even going to reply to the 'sad soulless' comments and the like - people who are so judgmental of other folks not having children clearly have their own issues.

OP, you are not overthinking this - I desperately wish every prospective parent thought as long and hard as you are. As others have said, it's the most massive decision anyone can make and is deserving of your time and thought. I used to be 100% certain about not having children - in the past couple of years, the hormones have kicked in and now I'd say I'm at 95% I do worry a bit that my mind will change even more but what clinches it for me is imagining the two scenarios that other posters have mentioned - how would I feel if I was told I was medically incapable of having a baby, and what would I like to be doing on a Saturday afternoon in 10 years time? My instant responses (hugely relieved and running/baking/planning a dinner party/watching a film respectively!) convinced me my decision is the right one for me.
I really recommend having a look at some other websites like 'Happily Childfree' to get a perspective from the other side.
Good luck with whatever you decide

Just a word of warning OP:

Your DH may turn out to be a besotted and devoted dad, like many on this thread are suggesting. But he may not. I persuaded my DP to have a child - he was never really on board, was completely unsupportive throughout the pregnancy, and took no joy in our lovely baby once she was born. (We had also been together for quite a long time.) Choice phrases included: 'This was all your idea', 'I never wanted a child anyway', 'I don't want another one', and so on. To be fair, although he had agreed to have a baby, his heart was never in it, and he was miserable at the ways in which his life had change.

Although I loved being a parent, this was incredibly painful, and we split up. (I can imagine that in another case, I might have become a SAHM and he could have retreated into work, but this was never on the cards for us.)

We are now happily separated, and he is actually a good and hands-on dad who sees DD twice a week. But I know this would not have been the case had we stayed together, as he always saw DD as my responsibility and resented having to do anything for her.

So it's worth thinking about how you would feel if your DH doesn't take to it. Could you cope with a grumpy/disengaged DH or as a single mum?

I adore DD and I do like being a parent, but I agree with those who say that my life could have been just as good without kids.

This is interesting to read. I'm in a similar situation and wondering what the right decision is for us. I'm definitely starting to feel that maybe it would be nice to have a little family of our own, though wouldn't say I feel 'broody' as such, or have any sentimental feelings about babies, and do not look forward to the idea of pregnancy and childbirth at all. I think it's fairly normal. Not everyone gets all broody and desperate for babies, it doesn't mean they aren't going to be a good parent.

I think there are some quite ignorant and offensive comments on here though. I certainly don't think I have an 'empty and self-centred life' just because I don't have children at the moment. And pretty sure I'm not sad and soulless either .

I understand that for those of you who are very caught up in the wonderfulness of your own children, it might be hard to imagine how anyone else can have any meaning or purpose or happiness in their lives! But surely you can have enough self-awareness to realise that not everyone feels exactly the same way as you? And that there is more than one way of having a rewarding, fulfilling life!

And yes anyone can post on MN, whether they have kids or not. There are actually plenty of women here who don't. Not all the discussion here is about children and parenting, in fact I'd say most threads are not!

And surely it's useful to have comments from both points of view on a discussion like this?

Goodness me, yes, the most selfish and self-centred people I know are parents!

I havent found being a parent at all fullfilling, not in the slightest, when my kids left home it was like being released from jail.
To extend the metaphor, I still wear a tag for the rest of my life on account of being emotionally attached to them, feeling their pain, worrying about them all the time etc.
I dont remember enjoying anything about being a parent, did it without thinking when I was too young and dumb to know any better

for you itsalladirtylie. That is a very honest post and must have been hard to write. Hope you're ok

Blimey, that's very sad, itsall. I must say I think you are very unusual feeling like that - most parents would say despite all the very bloody many stresses and frustrations of parenthood it's worth it a million fold. And enormously fulfilling.

Btw when I said being a parent made me more selfish I did NOT mean in the way cited above by the notheotherone!!

Proud I know you didn't. It just got me thinking about "what is selfish?" and I don't think it has to just be restricted to the individual.

JosieRosie, thanks but I'm fine really:)
I do however feel as if I'm breaking a taboo by admitting that being a parent can be more minus than plus?
I suspect that people feel that saying they didnt or dont enjoy it will be taken to mean that they dont love their children?
I absolutely do love my kids, but it still felt like being locked up for 20 years.

I think you are breaking a taboo itsall and GOOD FOR YOU! I wish more parents did, then the urban myths about how 'all parents love it really' might get busted! I hope that you're enjoying having more time to yourself now that your kids have grown up and making the most of your new freedom

oooh, I was not completely obsessed with having children, and it was never the be all and end all of my life, we procrastinated and put it off.

DH and I decided if it happened it happened, and we would do our very best to be wonderful parents, if it didn't we would be happy too.

We took the bull by the horns, and started trying. Not sure if that's much help.

itsall I think my mum felt like that!

Nottheone - phew. I think you have a valid point and we all know those types, but I am most definitely not one of them. Honest, guv.

Doesnotgive...pretty sure my mum did too, maybe that's partly why I'm not maternal, I grew up with the belief that children are a burden. I guess your expectations of parenthood will colour your experience.
It's a huge subject and none of us can ever know how our lives would have turned out if we'd taken a different route.

Possibly without kids I would have fucked things up really REALLY badly...they may have saved me from a far worse fate, bless their cotton socks and mobile phones

Itsalladirtylie - certainly didn't mean to make you feel alienated or ashamed. I too think you were brave and searingly honest in your post. I am sure other women feel like that, too. But I would say, honestly, most don't so I feel sad for you. And of course you love your kids, I don't doubt that.

You say it's been like a prison - have you been a SAHM? I work FT (PT when they were babies) and that has helped me enormously! I don't mind admitting I would have struggled being at home - some are cut out for that and some aren't.

Oh this is an interesting one. I had wanted children since I was about two years old, honestly, I couldn't concieve of a happy future without being a parent and I adore my two.

However, I had no idea really of the sacrifices it would involve and how the baby bit is easy - it's parenting children that is hard, it is physically hard work and emotionally exhausting. I really think that if you're not sure, don't do it actually.

I agree with levantine- as somebody once said 'Most people can HAVE a child, but not everybody can RAISE a child'.

And there are different challenges at different ages- lovely toddlers can turn into ahem slightly difficult teenagers.

Mooncupgoddess - bang on. I think sometimes those who are desperate for kids and who imagine it will all be perfect and lovely can struggle with the reality of family life more than those with lower expectations. Certainly for me, I thought having a baby would be limiting and drudgy, so to find it's also full of joy was a lovely surprise and as a result I bloody love my life as a mother.

Reading through this thread with interest, as I'm kinda in this situation but for different reasons. I echo what JosieRosie said about reading a few websites like Happily Childfree - it does give a very different side to this story that isn't being posted here. I think it has to be a decision for you and not for others to pressure you into. I found a great site with a list of a 100 questions on whether to have a child - it looked at what your thinking was and whether you were having pressures influencing you - it was really interesting and I've been trying to find the site again over the last couple of days but can't for the life of me. I'll try and find it later today, when I get home if I can.

Earthdog I do slightly wonder why you are posting on Mumsnet since you are not a mum and clearly have no inclination to be one.
I can't answer for anyone else, but the reason I'm here is because there are few places that have fairly intelligent debate, especially for women my age. I have things in common with women in that age group that I can't discuss anywhere else. I am struggling with issues surrounding motherhood (or not being a mother) so it is a good place to canvas thoughts, opinions and information relating to that and to share my experiences and those of other people.

I saw a post yesterday from a woman who was VERY abusive about another poster and went on a rant about how she shouldn't be posting on a forum with 'mum' in the title. I reported it. It was personal and trying to drive away women without kids - I feel thats not in the ethos of the site and neglects the fact that a lot of women still have common interests/concerns that may involve women. There is also an infertility section on this site. Its deeply insensitive to post things like that.

Children can still be a massive part of the lives of women who do not have children themselves. I object strongly to negative responses to other women purely on the basis they don't have children themselves.

I hate it when people ask childfree posters why they're on MN - you most certainly don't need to justify yourself quietly and I completely agree with everything you said!

I'm a mum but most of the stuff that interests me on here is not (specfically) child related and I agree other forums seem to be full of twits for the most part.

Interesting post.

I think you do have to justify yourself sometimes Proudnscary, just to knock a few braincells together and make people realise their world isn't the only world out there...

Fantastic post quietlyafraid. Maybe you and EarthDog and me should start a 'ChildfreeNet'? Parents will of course be welcome to contribute

Proudnscary, I was SAHM when they were younger, worked when they were older.
I think I am just not temperamentally suited to family life, I was an only child and am rather a quiet solitary sort of person, I just found having children to be overwhelming.
Suspect that more gregarious people who grew up with siblings would more easily take things in their stride.
I remember deciding to have a second child because I didnt want the first to be an only child, I must have known that would only make life harder for me!

I'm not suggesting that being or having an only child is necessarily a disadvantage, I just felt that in my situation it wouldnt be the best thing