To be so scared about making the wrong decision about having children...

[scaredycatandconfused]

...that I can't make any decision at all. (Name changed, since I'm baring my soul here.)

DH and I are mid/late 30s, and have been together since our early 20s. Through our 20s, neither of us wanted to start a family. I was very unsure about whether I ever wanted to have kids, DH says he always imagined himself with a family but the immediate prospect didn't appeal.

Over the last few years, I've started thinking that having a family might be really nice. I see how happy it makes other people, and I think I'd like to make a little family unit with DH and some children of our own. I have always felt very grounded by being part of my nuclear family (parents and DB) - and I'm sadly aware it's going to shrink and disappear as I get older - my parents are in their 70s, and my brother has his own family (I adore my DNiece and DNephew, and feel very lucky to be a part of their lives - but my brother's family is a little unit of their own now).

BUT, it's a wistful kind of feeling, not the kind of strong, definite desire that other people seem to have. I've never been really sure that it's what I want - I'm a bit of a funny bugger, and can't assume that what other people like will also make me happy. DH's feelings haven't really changed.

So, we've been umm-ing and ah-ing for years, putting off the decision, never deciding against it, but never going ahead. But I'm very aware that the decision is time-limited, and recently started putting on the pressure - not pressure over whether it's a yes or no, but pressure that we have to decide one way or another NOW. I've been saying that I'm pretty sure I would like to have children (honestly without pressuring him!), and DH finally said that we should go ahead then. But he had such an 'I really hate this idea' look! He still doesn't like the idea of never having a family, but finds the thought of the sleepless nights, 24/7 child-care, lack of personal time etc really unappealing - and that would be the immediate reality of starting a family. I'm not (very) worried about him being unsupportive or holding this against me when things are difficult, but it does make me feel even more unsure of myself - the whole responsibility for the decision is lying with me!

Ironically, now that we've made the decision to go ahead, I'm big-time doubting myself again. What if I hate having kids? Will I spend the next 20 years - most of the remainder of my active life - regretting it, and feeling trapped? Will DH hate it, and will that ruin our marriage? Will I end up with a host of permanent health problems from the pregnancy/child-birth (I know the health one is a bit paranoid - but it does happen!). Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools - or will I just get bored ?

BUT, if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences - which would make us really happy, and give us a focus and connection to the world for the rest of our lives? I'm aware that I lack imagination sometimes, and I often don't recognise things that would make my life better - will all this worry seem ludicrous once we've actually got a real child?

I know that this is obviously a decision for me to make myself, not a load of strangers on the internet :) But I'm hoping for some words of wisdom, or some insight you guys might have: either how your own expectations before having children compared to reality, or else whether you think my ambiguous feelings are normal / an indication that I shouldn't have children. Frankly, I'm despairing - and any advice would be welcome!

Thanks for reading - sorry it's such a long post!

@pink4ever 'I dont understand women who dont want children.' do you mean that you have so little imagination you cannot grasp the fact that other people feel differently to you?

itsall; I challenged pink on that too as it came across as arrogant. However I can kind of see where she is coming from, because as a childfree woman I do struggle to fathom why other women want kids. Thank God we are all able to make our own choices today though! To those who say 'make the leap of faith even if you are not broody' surely this is the far riskier option from the child's point of view- ie it might be unloved. Few people seem to be putting the child first.

"Leave it to nature" is a very silly thing to say IMO.

If you have sex without contraception that is not "leaving it to nature", that is TTC. It is making an active decision.

earthdog-I was merely voicing my opinion which I am perfectly entitled to do. No I dont understand woman who claim not to want dcs-thats just it-I dont understand. And how patronising to assume that because I have dcs I dont do anything else. I help out elderly neighbours and I volunteer in the community. For my own purely selfish pleasure I go to a zumba class and I meet friends once a week.

I just wouldnt wish op-by dint of her procrastinating-to lose the opportunity to have dcs. I have a couple of close friends who are going through the heartache of infertility at the moment.

Er pink please see my previous post, I just agreed with you!! You think I am odd, I think you are- free country! I didn't say YOU didn't do anything else useful -I said, from my observations, that my childed friends and family are too busy with their immediate family to spend much time on anything else. I was actually replying to another poster who implied that the childless were self centred. Also, I note your interesting use of the phrase 'women who CLAIM not to want dcs' as if you dont believe anyone could possibly feel that way- how arrogant is that!?!?!

I may be wrong in this but it seems to me that unloved children are more usually the result of parents not thinking through whether or not they want children than those who think long and hard about it in the way the op is doing.

OP - not all women get that maternal urge so you may not, I didn't but as I was getting old I knew I had to make the decision either way. I now have a 3.5 year old DD and that comment of Maypole1's...sums up exactly how I feel, choked me up too! It's hard to identify a definitive "right time" to have a child, if i'd have waited for that time i'd not have my amazing DD now.

On the other hand I do believe that people in no way want children should be applauded too, it is a valid choice.

Some great posts on here esp from SingngSands and TeddyRuxpin. It does change your life/lifestyle (wave goodbye to long lie ins, afternoons reading papers and drinking wine in the sun) and puts your relationship under immense strain so it is a little worrying that you feel the decision is yours alone. It's easy to start throwing around blame and guilt when the going gets tough - maybe you should have another discussion with your husband to bottom it out? Can't make an omelette without breaking eggs and if he wants a family, he's going to have to do the tedious stuff too!
Fwiw, we had the same thoughts and took the plunge. We had a terrible time with DS1 - colic, PND, didn't bond til late on etc - and it seemed all our fears were coming true but gradually we realised that even when we paid for extortionate babysitting and went out for dinner together, we DIDN'T MIND that all we talked about was DS1 and all the amazing things he had done. The other night I was putting him to bed and he said "love mummy" which just made all the hard work worth it. Good luck with your decision, having kids isn't for everyone, and yes it can feel like pure drudgery and you are always paranoid that you aren't being a good enough parent, but in our case we have absolutely no regrets. In fact after swearing blind to not having another, we just have - and er am now swearing blind ths will be the last one :)

@Earthdog 'Even if I wanted children I wouldn't have had them as life is too cruel so I think you should have a very good reason for bringing an innocent soul into this overcrowded world.'
childless people are often accused of living selfish lives, but as you say one could equally argue that it is selfish to inflict life onto an innocent person who never got a say in the matter.
Then again, we do need people to have children for the human race to continue (birth rate is dropped and what have you)
This is a very emotive subject!

OP, there is nothing wrong with not having children but I agree with many posters, I don't think I know ANYONE that regrets having them...well occasionally, some might on the odd bad day..but not really. It is horrible when you are paralysed by indecision and I do understand that but I sense that if you are this unsure now then you would always look back and say "what if?".

I always wanted children but when I first had my DD I had PND and had a terrible time for a few months BUT after that it was absolute bliss and I am being truly honest when I say that I literally haven't had a single regret.

I agree with Earthdog and believe that having children is an inherently selfish act. Pre-kids, my life was much more outward looking. Now, the focus of my life has naturally turned inwards, towards my young family.

Earthdog, MarriedIn, I absolutely believe that not having children is a valid choice. I'm sure that if I don't, I'll have a happy, fulfilled life doing different things. I don't feel too much social pressure to have children: it was pretty strong (especially from my mother) in my 20s, but everyone has pretty much given up now after 15 years of me consistently saying that I wasn't sure that having children was for me, and that I felt completed by other things, and that no: I didn't think it was selfish of me not to have children. I'm pretty sure we all make up our minds about whether or not to have children based on whether we want them ourselves, and the justifications about cruel world/excessive population versus continuing the human race come afterwards!

A few people have said they're concerned that I'm not considering the child in this, only my own feelings. This is because I'm really convinced that if we do have children, we'll provide a happy, loving home. I'm really sorry to hear about your experiences though, MarriedIn - it must have been hurtful to hear that from your mother.

It's been great hearing from so many posters who say that they didn't have a strong maternal urge either, but are now really happy they've got children! That gives me a lot more confidence. And it's been sobering to hear the experiences of people who feel, or know people who feel, regrets. I know that's a risk - it's why I'm trying so hard to understand my own feelings. But yes - definitely at the risk of over-thinking it!

Some good points as well asking why I feel the decision is just mine. Time for another discussion with DH about it, I think!

Thank you all for your wonderful advice and insights! It's been really helpful :)

Sorry not read all the posts but can only give my recent experience.

DH always wanted children and I as not too fussed either way and would have been happy with another dog . We discussed it many times and I said can we not wait until we are nearly 40 to try (worked for Nicole Kidman), anyway DH is in the medical profession so I got all the blurb about statistically why you should not leave it too long etc etc. We are 35.

We decided last year to start TTC, were successful but then had a mc, got pg again and now have a 4 week old DD. I think if I had never had children it would have been fine but I knew DH really wanted them, it was just finding the right time for me, we have done lots of stuff before we got to this stage though, travelled, lived abroad, lived in different parts of the UK etc as from our point of view we needed to do "our thing" first.

Now she is here, she is poopy and throwing up but also super scrummy and we are now thinking about a second one so they can be close in age.

I think the key is as well that we do not think very far in advance, just think day to day really (anything further can be a bit scarey!)

I never thought I wanted kids, I was probably the opposite of maternal. I used to like the fact that we were free to go where we wanted when we wanted, I liked lying in bed all day reading the paper and generally having a nice time.

Then I got pregnant by accident and I dunno if it was hormones or what but I became scarily maternal overnight. (Still only really with my own children, I have to say!) I loved having DS1, ended up packing in my job and staying at home with my (subsequently) two DSs for five years. I still miss lying in bed reading the papers, and being able to just wander out to the pub/cinema/restaurants of an evening with DH if we felt like it, but it's not a big deal, it just makes us really appreciate the small things in life.

Definitely sounds like you're suffering paralysis by analysis which I would have been too no doubt if we hadn't had it taken out of our hands, as it were. Interestingly now I wish I'd started sooner. You'll be fine whichever way you decide.

OP- lots of conflicting advice here, and no wonder. No two people will have the same experience of parenthood, and no two people had the same lives pre-parenthood.

Anyway, well done for actually thinking about it rather than wildly ploughing ahead with the most irreversible (possibly the only irreversible) decision you'll ever make.

I think you need to have a serious think about your life at the moment, how it would be impacted by parenthood, and whether you're prepared to make those changes. e.g. people who like to pootle around the garden at weekends and watch a DVD in the evenings are not going to be as impacted as people who like heliskiing and drinking cocktails till dawn. Only you know which one you are. Kids do massively impact/change/restrict/expand your life. It's crazy.

Urban myths

• No one regrets having children. They do.
• People who don't have children have sad and empty lives. Not the ones I know.

I have kids. If I had my time again I'd still have them, but I'm under no illusions that my life could have been just as good without, just in a different way.

When I started wanting children, all the pleisures of my self-centered, care-free lifestyle became a bit pointless and I didn't enjoy them anymore.

After that, even the smallest things I did for myself became prescious and enjoyable.

@ "so you can choose to be childless if you wish - but I think that's a souless, sad choice"

and @ whoever said that having children is "ultimately the woman's decision."

Can't even process how STUPID these two statements are.

I don't have children, as have never been in a sufficiently serious relationship (but do have a useful and interesting life!).

Watching from the outside, I don't think there is much correlation between strength of desire to have children and enjoyment of being a parent. I've seen friends who were ambivalent/got pregnant by accident really love having children, while others who were desperate for a baby found the first few years very hard.

The only thing I would say is that cheerful, laidback people seem to be happier as parents than anxious, nervy people... but then, the former were probably happier anyway.

It totally changes your outlook on life and your centre in life having children. I think it's amazing and unbeatable as a big picture view. On a daily level there is a drudgy daily grind broken by beautiful moments.

I had always imagined having children though so I may be more likely to think like that.

There will never be a perfect time to have children (and don't assume you will fall pg straight away when you start ttc) finances, career, family, whatever, there will always be a reason not to. If both of you are reasonably sure then that's probably as near as you can get once you've had a child free existence for so many years!

Earthdog I do slightly wonder why you are posting on Mumsnet since you are not a mum and clearly have no inclination to be one. My responses are aimed at the OP - someone who is looking for words of wisdom from people who have actually taken the plunge. I wouldn't expect some so adamantly childless to understand why anyone would want to have children - I wasn't so far from your position once. Rhubarbgarden nails it for me when she says "the most frightening thing to me about motherhood is how close I came to not bothering. . . it's horrible to think how easily I might not have done it and might have missed this amazing journey. I wouldn't have known any better, and I'm sure my life would have been perfectly contented and fulfilled as a childfree woman, but for me anyway it's been a revelation." I wonder how old you are? I only ask because some of the most miserable and unfulfilled people I know (and there are several of them) are women in their early forties now desperately trying to get pregnant and finding they have left it too late. I'm sure that won't be you, but these posts are for the benefit of the OP who could so easily be. Thank you Portofino for "The baby thing was about them not ME" - that's exactly what I meant in my early post how self-centred life is before you have kids. You only understand that when you have kids - that's not meant to be patronising it's just a fact.

Er, who died and made you Justine?

I think having kids has made me more selfish actually!

I make sure I make time for myself, buy things for myself and that my identity is so much more than just being a mother - I love my career, friends, dh, nights out, the odd weekend away without the kids and I guard those things fiercely. (I bloody love being a mum to my fab dc though).

OP - I was one who said your post didn't take into consideration any future kids and that bothered me. But I take your point about knowing you would provide a loving home - I'm sure you would.

Whoah Lillian - offensive post. Anyone can post on MN.

Sorry, probably didn't phrase that very well - I refer you to the OP's original question: "I'm hoping for some words of wisdom, or some insight you guys might have: either how your own expectations before having children compared to reality".