To be so scared about making the wrong decision about having children...

[scaredycatandconfused]

...that I can't make any decision at all. (Name changed, since I'm baring my soul here.)

DH and I are mid/late 30s, and have been together since our early 20s. Through our 20s, neither of us wanted to start a family. I was very unsure about whether I ever wanted to have kids, DH says he always imagined himself with a family but the immediate prospect didn't appeal.

Over the last few years, I've started thinking that having a family might be really nice. I see how happy it makes other people, and I think I'd like to make a little family unit with DH and some children of our own. I have always felt very grounded by being part of my nuclear family (parents and DB) - and I'm sadly aware it's going to shrink and disappear as I get older - my parents are in their 70s, and my brother has his own family (I adore my DNiece and DNephew, and feel very lucky to be a part of their lives - but my brother's family is a little unit of their own now).

BUT, it's a wistful kind of feeling, not the kind of strong, definite desire that other people seem to have. I've never been really sure that it's what I want - I'm a bit of a funny bugger, and can't assume that what other people like will also make me happy. DH's feelings haven't really changed.

So, we've been umm-ing and ah-ing for years, putting off the decision, never deciding against it, but never going ahead. But I'm very aware that the decision is time-limited, and recently started putting on the pressure - not pressure over whether it's a yes or no, but pressure that we have to decide one way or another NOW. I've been saying that I'm pretty sure I would like to have children (honestly without pressuring him!), and DH finally said that we should go ahead then. But he had such an 'I really hate this idea' look! He still doesn't like the idea of never having a family, but finds the thought of the sleepless nights, 24/7 child-care, lack of personal time etc really unappealing - and that would be the immediate reality of starting a family. I'm not (very) worried about him being unsupportive or holding this against me when things are difficult, but it does make me feel even more unsure of myself - the whole responsibility for the decision is lying with me!

Ironically, now that we've made the decision to go ahead, I'm big-time doubting myself again. What if I hate having kids? Will I spend the next 20 years - most of the remainder of my active life - regretting it, and feeling trapped? Will DH hate it, and will that ruin our marriage? Will I end up with a host of permanent health problems from the pregnancy/child-birth (I know the health one is a bit paranoid - but it does happen!). Do I really want the next 20 years to be dedicated to logistics and pickups, cooking and domesticity, worrying about finding the right schools - or will I just get bored ?

BUT, if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences - which would make us really happy, and give us a focus and connection to the world for the rest of our lives? I'm aware that I lack imagination sometimes, and I often don't recognise things that would make my life better - will all this worry seem ludicrous once we've actually got a real child?

I know that this is obviously a decision for me to make myself, not a load of strangers on the internet :) But I'm hoping for some words of wisdom, or some insight you guys might have: either how your own expectations before having children compared to reality, or else whether you think my ambiguous feelings are normal / an indication that I shouldn't have children. Frankly, I'm despairing - and any advice would be welcome!

Thanks for reading - sorry it's such a long post!

I've not met anyone who regrets having children.

No, life never gets back to being normal. Whatever age I am I still have children to love, worry and laugh about. Your life doesn't return to normal once you're a parent.

Being a parent is the single most important and wonderful I've ever done, I feel unless you cure cancer most parents would say the same.

From Childfree website: We consider ourselves childFREE - free of the loss of personal freedom, money, time and energy that having children requires.

Urgh, that just about says it all. That sneery attitude that makes the choice a defensive crappy thing, instead of what not having children gains.....iyswim.

I think I am very lucky to have always known my own mind on this matter, it has made life much easier compared to people like the OP who are struggling with the decision. I would actually have liked to have been sterilised if I had been brave enough to have the op but I wasn't; there are less invasive methods available now. I find people's opinions really fascinating; I am really interested in why people want/dont want children.

Posies- I have friends who have regretted having children!

Childfree make being childless sound very boring!

Really? Truly regret having children? How bizarre.

I never particularly thought about having children until I hit my mid-thirties and started thinking it's now or never. I thought it would take me ages to get pregnant and that it might never happen (in view of what I saw then as my extreme age!) My husband and I always said if it didn't happen then that would be that and we'd get a dog! In the end I got pregnant first time (and second time) and never looked back - I absolutely love being a mum. In fact it was only once I had children of my own that I could have any sympathy with childless couples going through the agony of trying to conceive. I'm pretty sure that if I hadn't got pregnant I would have left it that - I just didn't have that yearning until I actually had kids iswim. I think if I hadn't had kids I would have pursued my career much more ambitiously and life would have gone down a totally different route.

Scaredy - I think I recognise this, particularly the ambiguity. Dh and I never really wanted desperately to have children. We were in our thirties, both had careers we enjoyed, travelled, loved just being together the two of us etc. We didn't know what we wanted actually. The nearest we could ever get was that we didn't think we didn't want never to have had them . . .

My first pregnancy was an accident, in the end, so I didn't have to decide when or whether. But when our dd was born the world sort of flipped, and all the coolness, unsureness etc was simply swept away. That's not to say it was easy, and compromises/physical changes/worry/tiredness/money/not being able to do just what you like anymore all had to be got through. But it was worth it and no way would I swop it for not having children. I know it wouldn't necessarily be like that for everyone. But that was what it was like for us. (We had three in the end.)

If you do decide to go ahead, though, and you are in your mid/late 30s, please try soon just in case it takes a while.

I agree that very few people regret having children. The early years are hard, and that's often all that people struggling with this decision focus on (understandably).

I think that the yearning for children is often over-stated, in that people who are lucky enough not to struggle to conceive do not necessarily feel it. The threat, or reality of the choice being taken away (because you are getting older, or because you are not able to conceive quickly) is often what brings things into sharp relief.

I don't think that everyone should have children, and I think it's perfectly rational not to want them, but I think that even in our worst days, most of us with children would say that our lives have been improved and blessed immeasurably (or maybe that's just me ...)

I also think it's perfectly rational to worry about the effects of having them on you relationship etc. I think if you genuinely feel that your relationship could not cope with having children then you shouldn't have them, for the sake of the children.

"BUT, if we don't have children, are we missing out on one of life's most important experiences - which would make us really happy, and give us a focus and connection to the world for the rest of our lives? I'm aware that I lack imagination sometimes, and I often don't recognise things that would make my life better - will all this worry seem ludicrous once we've actually got a real child?"

Sorry, me again. I think this is the case

"But when you are on the inside i.e. when you have a child, you realise that what you dreaded, what people teased you about giving up, is nothing. It's nothing compared to what you have gained. That's why people do it. It's not hard, it's as hard as you make it."

You see, the problem with this post, and others like it on this thread, is that you've written "you", when really you meant "I", and "me".

Some people don't think that what they gave up means nothing. Sadly, some people do regret having children, though I count myself lucky I'm not one of them. I agree with posters here who say it's not something you'll often hear people admit to, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.

On a parenting board perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that the lives of childfree people are described as "soulless", "pointless" and so on, but I think that's a rather stupid knee-jerk caricature of an existence you've ruled out for yourself - and a grown-up decision like this, with the implications it has not just for your own lives but for the lives of children you bring into existence, deserves rather more than that.

From Childfree website: We consider ourselves childFREE - free of the loss of personal freedom, money, time and energy that having children requires.

Urgh, that just about says it all. That sneery attitude that makes the choice a defensive crappy thing, instead of what not having children gains.....iyswim.

Is it sneery? Really? Or is it your point of view speaking here. It could just be looking at the positives. I think that says more about YOUR opinion that theirs. Don't forget they probably ARE defensive after constantly coming up against comments like yours.

Just because its not for you, doesn't mean its not for others and they genuinely enjoy the personal freedom etc. What exactly is wrong with that?

Incidently I just stumbled over this thread...:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/781410-Does-anyone-else-regret-having-children

I dunno, I do find the 'childfree' movement rather unattractive. All that 'children are DREADFUL, having children makes you a TEDIOUS NIGHTMARE' is just as off-putting as those who think that people without children have shallow, pointless lives.

It's like evangelical atheists - if you're not interested in having children or going to church, why bother going on about it? Much more fun to find something you ARE interested in and focus on that instead.

It's like evangelical atheists - if you're not interested in having children or going to church, why bother going on about it? Much more fun to find something you ARE interested in and focus on that instead.

Agree. But only to a point. There must be times when you get fed up with friends / family talking about their broods when you just aren't interested or can't relate. Must be nice to have somewhere to bitch about it I guess. Its the whole 'feeling normal and with people who share the same values thing'. No one really wants to ever be in a minority. Not for me, but if its a positive thing for them then I can't see the harm.

And women do tend to be pigeonhole and defined by what comes out of their wombs. Or doesn't. Its a big part of your identity, just as much as having children defines you as a mother. Whilst I'm a weirdo for being a non-mum on mumset net, why do most come here?

Its great that you have not rushed into having children and have waited for a good time for you.
My DH sounded very much like yours and we know have 3 children, youngest is 7.

I was in my twenties when I had my first, dh is older. Part of me wished that I had waited a few years due to selfish reasons. Would love to have done abit of travelling but we had our first just after our 1 year anniversary.

Our children are our life. My mother once said that nobody has ever regretted having a child, but they have regretted NOT having one.
If you are finacially secure and in a good relationship, GO FOR IT!

OP, I was always sure I never wanted children, and am now 20 weeks pregnant at 39, after a few years in which my previously equally-uninterested partner and I started to talk about it, and think about whether it mightn't be something we really wanted to do, after all. I got pregnant the first time we had unprotected sex, rather to our astonishment.

I grew up the eldest of a large family, changing nappies and minding the younger ones from an early age - with a childminder mother who also looked after hordes of kids in our house - which where I think my initial decision not to have children came from. I associated them with drudgery and over-crowding. Having said that, I've never felt broody or had a passionate desire to have a child, and neither has my partner, but we're committed to doing it anyway because we think it will be a good thing and that we can be good parents to a child. I'm really enjoying being pregnant, and while I know our lives and relationship will change, I'm genuinely excited about it, and despite moments of nerves and ambivalence, I feel this is a big change we're both ready to embrace. I also think it's in our favour that we've done a lot of big city child-free fun, travelling, living in far-flung parts of the world etc already, so are OK with the prospect of leading much quieter lives for a while at least.

Good luck to you in your decision.

That's a very sobering MN thread you have linked to quietly, and puts pay to the claims posted here that 'no one ever regrets having children'.

I'm another woman who was never broody nor maternal but had a child (late in life at 37) because DH wanted one. It's been hard and it's been easy but DD has so transformed my life for the better that I am so glad I had her.

But she's my only child and I'll not have another. Life (for me) feels "easy" and manageable with one and she's a happy wee thing with lots of friends.

OP, you sound like you might want a child but you don't have to have more than one (if you don't want to). Life may be more manageable.

God that link is depressing. It just goes to show that how you frame your questions shapes the answers you elicit. Noone here has owned up to regretting having their kids, but perhaps if the OP had framed her question in that way she would have got a different response - from a different set of posters.

From all the sets of parents that I know, the majority say the early years are the hardest and then life with DC gets to be alot of fun once they start school and (generally) become less clingy/needy/obstinate/tantrumy. Of course, then they hit their "terrible teens"!

No one really knows how they will feel about being a parent until it's too late - you really do need to take a leap of faith. I didn't realise how much I wanted to become one until I got pregnant accidentally and miscarried. I was grief-stricken that I would never be one. Luckily the next pregnancy worked out fine :)

I would say OP, that if you're at all ambivalent, only have one child. One is pretty easy. Your life gets back to normal after a few years, you can start doing your hobbies again, you are not watching 90% of your income being swallowed up in childcare fees.