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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you have friends in a very different income bracket?

172 replies

Hullygully · 08/11/2011 11:42

And more importantly, does it create problems?

OP posts:
pleasethanks · 08/11/2011 13:46

I, somehow, have a couple of friends who are wealthy. Wealthy as in millionaries (or maybe a million, rather than multiple). I had no idea until I had known one of them for several months and I went to her house. Both lovely people and I am nowhere near that rich and it makes sod all difference. And I think that says a lot for them.

TheRealTillyMinto · 08/11/2011 13:50

to ask if you have friends in a very different income bracket?
Yes. DP & i had a v good year last (we are NOT bankers BTW) our income was £350K. in a normal year £200k

Most friends earn i guess £30-60k. some friends earn less than £20k.

does it create problems?
No - we all like pubs and home cooked meals and cheap international food. restaurants for posh people seem to be full of w**kers, overly fussy and the food looks messed about with.

we would always split the bill because to doesnt seem correct to highlight inequality in the group. i treat a friend who is HIV+ & starting to look unwell all the time to the opera sometimes...but he makes it obvious he likes being treated.

i think my closest friends are all sucessful but we all get to define what success means for ourselves: one is a journalist, one an academic, one a mum who works PT.

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 13:52

yes, it seems it's about their self-esteem and whether they are happy with their own lives...

OP posts:
Catslikehats · 08/11/2011 13:55

YY to all who said schools are the problem.

Even with my DDDDDsis I feel the pain with the school issue (DC's schooled privately as overseas) The school they go to is fab and we are very fortunate. I avoid talking about it

Grammaticus · 08/11/2011 14:04

Have you admitted honestly that you know you have been hypocritical, hully? Maybe it is that that has pissed her off, not the money. If you admitted it she might feel better

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 14:07

yes. tell the truth and all that.

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BelleDameSansMerci · 08/11/2011 14:08

Hully Sad

I get this with my SIL. It was worse before I had DD - she wouldn't speak to me at all. I was briefly tolerated when DD was small but once she was at private nursery (never mind because I had to go back to work to bloody fund my allegedly marvellous lifestyle) I was off the Xmas card list again. Presumably with any luck her head will explode when/if she finds out I'm considering an independent school when DD starts in September. My poor brother sails between the two of us but, rightly, puts her first when it comes to a choice. Fortunately, we live 200 miles from them Grin

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 14:12

they are all poo bums

sympathy and understanding is helping me rise above

thanks all

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 08/11/2011 14:15

Just a thought Hully, do you think you might have said anything at the time she was trying to get her DCs into the school out of the area that could have been interpretted as a criticism? Did you say anything about them not being at the local schools etc so that she'd be annoyed that your option of 'moving so it is the local school' would seem unfair?

lovingthecoast · 08/11/2011 14:15

Good friends both ways and no problems. Others whom we thought were friends, including a couple who went to school with DH spent years making little snide comments which we spent years ignoring.

The school thing finished off the friendship though. When we sent our eldest to an independent school it was like they couldn't contain it any longer and it came to a head one night when we were all out to eat. I felt so sorry for DH as he was genuinely upset for quite some time. I have also found that people I thought were reasonably good friends also struggled with the school thing.

So I've come to the conclusion that it's not so much about income levels as having that one particular choice that many people cannot stomach. Sad

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 14:18

lydia -nope, was pleased for her dc (like them all v much). The irony is that they have no family so she has always called us their second family! ha bloody ha

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mummytime · 08/11/2011 14:25

Yes, No. No problem really in this town with schools either. I think most people know people at different local schools (private and state), biggest issue is those struggling to afford Private. DD has had comments such as "private schools are all much better", but that girls parents don't live in the catchment for DDs fab state school.

Shodan · 08/11/2011 14:32

Maybe there is something that has just been the last straw for her? I mean, perhaps she has always felt a little bit this way but was able to keep it under wraps because she loved you and yours but something said 'You'll never have this' to her? Not necessarily anything you did, btw, but in general.

Envy is not a nice emotion and should quite rightly be beaten down but occasionally it can fight its way out, even in the nicest people. not me guv honest

'Course the alternative is that she's just a big ol' meanie and if so, you should take plenty of no notice. We know you're luvly.

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 14:37

I dunno, Shodan. I do wish she'd said something to me instead of just slagging me/us to our friends but hey ho.

OP posts:
fickencharmer · 08/11/2011 14:46

I have casual mates in different income bracket. But in general income groups of a feather sup together, Live in similar areas and all that. There are exceptions.

Shodan · 08/11/2011 14:48

Well, yes, Hully and maybe that just illustrates her meanieness. Or possibly she's aware that she's being mean but can't help it and is ashamed of herself?

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 14:55

no, she has made it My Fault

OP posts:
VenetiaLanyon · 08/11/2011 15:01

Can you reach out in an annoyingly warm and loving way over tea and a scone, tell her what you've heard on the grapevine, and ask her how you can get the friendship back on track?

Shodan · 08/11/2011 15:11

Oh, I like Venetia's suggestion.

Far better than mine, which was going to be 'Shall I come and poke her in the eyes for you?'

Jamillalliamilli · 08/11/2011 15:34

I think I've been a bit stupid about all of it, just thinking it didn't matter.

It doesn't if the friendship's real! Sounds to me like it was to you, but your 'friend' had a chip on her shoulder a mile high, and was trying 'to keep up' rather than keep a friendship. (Am a brassic L/P btw)

The school thing is funny. We got publically cut out when almost everyone else's went to independent and mine had no choice but stab vest high, (it's locally known as that) and when we started home educating it was like we'd
failed further.

We carried on being in the same spaces as everyone else but cold shouldered. It really hurt and was humiliating.
There where a couple of decent people who said encouraging things and didn't treat us as total lepers but we were socially excluded out of all groups.

It was that couple who were genuinly pleased for us who probably spread the news when exam results showed mine taking harder exams and doing well, and there was a just as sudden change as the cutting us. Suddenly people who've not even replied to "morning" for years, started coming up congratulatng and inviting to things again.

It's weird and disorientating, and I don't know what to make of it other than while I have no problem seeing them suceeding, I think they had a problem with what they saw as seeing us 'failing', and it sounds like a sort of inverted
situation with you and your friend.

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 15:39

i think so, justgetting

venetia - I can't, I don't trust her any more Sad

OP posts:
Dozer · 08/11/2011 15:48

DH has some old, close "friends" (now a couple) whose joint income is v similar to ours. They keep making judgments about what we spend our money on and our choice of jobs. Eg they came to visit and DH had bought a new TV and was wearing expensive new clothes. They gave him cats bum faces and said "well, we prefer not to buy things like that, we prefer to save it for PFB".

They were generally critical of DH, nit-picking about his hosting, asking about his (long) working hours and commute then saying "well, X is ALWAYS home for bathtime, wouldn't dream of missing it", generally implying that DH was a shit dad.

It got to the point where DH was upset and asked why they were being so critical, and they did apologise.

I was ready to lamp them and had to pretend the baby needed attending to so could get away.

We are going to visit them this weekend (not my choice).

Think the nub of the issue could be that they bought several properties to let, now can't sell, and are really stretched. We have similar levels of wages, but one house and hence more disposable income.

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 15:55

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 08/11/2011 15:56

People are weird. Fact.

Original poster
Hullygully · 08/11/2011 16:00

Aren't they just.

And life is so short too.

OP posts: