to ask if you have friends in a very different income bracket?

[Hullygully]

And more importantly, does it create problems?

Quint - blimey! Impressed with memory. Yes, I am beginning to see a wider picture now..

Sounds like jealousy.

Attitudes to money are strange

I'm highrise born and bred. Only my dad worked in our entire extended family.

I'm with dh who earns 19ishk a year. I've been disowned and called lady muck because i was able to lend a friend money for a deposit on a flat by the wider lot( only my dad and gran see me)

I think it can be quite embarrassing to be the poorer friend. You can't join in chats on holidays for example. Plus you can go away feeling a bit 'hmmm' if you are surrounded by ladies in lovely clothes that you could not dream of buying yourself. It's envy I guess.

I don't have friends of this calibre myself as I'm just temporarily skint as I chose to be a SAHM for a while. I do live in a lovely area though and I often toddle past some of the mansions thinking 'wow' and I have to say I would probably not want to befriend the occupants, rightly or wrongly.

My DP has a good friend who is very rich. They met travelling about age 19 when everyone was relatively poor. He is a wicked bloke, especially as he has offered to give us his old sofa whilst he upgrades, but we only see him 2x a year. He jokes about never using the tube or travelling economy and although he is funny, it is not funny when we are scrimping on a basic grocery shop.

I think it's more unusual to suddenly make friends of a widely different class, but I can see how circumstances change.

Hully hard I know but don't let it get you down.

I think it is very unusal for money not to at least be an issue when you have enormously different financial situations in play, especially where one person is suffering hardship.

It is very tricky.

Oh Hully

I have had this from one friend and, rather grimly, my sister.

It is really hard to understand and almost impossible to deal with rationally because it is so incredibly hurtful to be accused of the very opposite of where your heart has been.

To be honest, you can't fight it. I tried and tried but the 'it's alright for you' thing never goes away and the reaction is entirely about the other person. It really is. I tied myself in knots until I finally accepted that.

I just keep thinking But it's so unfair, But it's so unfair..

You know the worst thing? Her dc don't speak to mine any more because she has expressed her feelings in front of them...I have dodged saying anything to mine so far and hoped it will all go away.

Yes and no - but is that because I'm the one with a bit more disposable income?? Gives me the lovely warm fuzzies to be able to pay for a coffee for my student mate etc I think and hope she doesn't feel "beholden" .

Mind you when I stay with BIL in London and live the high life I am very happy for them to pay for expensive meals out etc! THey have a lot more disposable income than I do!

All my friends are poor like me :)

Hully - I think all you can do in your situation is continue to be resaonable and polite and not gossip or bitch about this other woman. I had a situation with friends were one woman fell out with me - it was so incredibly petty. I did this and all my friends eventaully said to me individually, we know x is being out of order and you're not to blame. I'm not saying you would, but if you gossip or bitch at all peopel can start to think, maybe it is a bit of both their fault.

Sooty - when I was the poor friend I never minded. Tell the truth and shame the devil and all that. I did what I could and if it wasn't good enpough well, shrug.

I thought others would feel the same. I thought friendship was more important. Muggins.

poor you, that's so sad, obviously nothing you could have said or done would alter the fact that she has been seething with resentment for probable ages

do feel sorry for her too, a bit, how will she ever have proper actual friends if she doesn't admit at least to herself that she has a problem in this area?

With most people it makes no difference, as far as I can see.

It did raise a few eyebrows when we took our kids out of the local school and moved them private, but most people knew the back story (have posted about it on here before). Two good friends of mine have admitted feeling a bit jealous of us being able to afford it. But I think it's good that we were able to talk about that. I am careful not to criticise the local school (ie their choice). It is a bit sensitive but not a problem.

Mostly we all socialise (like others I have friends who are cleaners, and some who are City bankers) "cheaply". Ie down the pub or at people's houses for dinner. DH and I don't like posh do's, so we don't. We also go for night walks with friends, on full moons, that's really good fun (and as an outing cheap).

I personally don't like people who thoughtlessly order expensive bottles of wine without thinking if the rest of the table can afford that. We don't mix with people like that, it's one of those things that really makes me go off someone as a friend pronto.

yes lesley. good point.

Mutual friends have started to say, you must sort it out between you. I pointed out very strongly the other day that I had nothing to sort out, the issue was hers. I shall have to stop talking about it altogether. Impossible

Did the mutual friends stay friends with both of you? Didn't it annoy you?!

Oh, she shouldn't have dragged her dc in. That is bad.

If it is of any comfort at all, you can't undo what she has said.
You are talking as if, were you able to make her understand your true intent, that she would like you again. But that is patronising her a tad. She isn't stupid. She has chosen this interpretation of events and stuck to it and even intemperate enough to damage her childrens friendship.

You have to put your concerns about whether you could have done things differently, and your wish for her to see that you were not 'showing off', and see that she is choosing this. Maybe she is nit quite the person you thought either. Being poorer does not make her the victim and you responsible iyswim.

Friendship should be more important but we're in the middle of a terrible financial crises where all anyone ever talks about is banks and Greece going to the wall.

Maybe it's just that people are feeling inequalities much more right now?

Can I just punch her then, Paggy?

Yes Laurie, let's blame Greece, great idea!

I guess it comes down a bit to how robust your self esteem is. I don't feel like the poorer friend with groups where financially I am because I have skills and attributes that make up for it. Not to "win" iyswim but at least not to feel envious. But I'm not breadlined either, there's food on our table and the odd cheap treat. If we were, I might find it harder. This is all assuming that my nose isn't subtly being rubbed in it or I'm not having one of those "I'm so broke " conversations with someone who clearly hasn't twigged our finances are different. But if I chose not to be friends with them, it would be down to personality and lack of tact, not money. I have the same feelings towards people who are moaning endlessly about their weight, family provided childcare etc. I don't mind them having it but neither do I want them to whine (a lot-off days excluded) about it endlessly when on that score my lot is perhaps worse.

Yes, it's hard though. I don't lose friends on the whole, I tend to have em forever and be terribly loyal. I am struggling with this. It's all new.

About time I said that I'm really sorry you're going through this hully! It's rubbish and a real knock when friendships wobble, especially when it's not you rocking the boat.

Yes the mutual friends stayed friends with both of us. She just stopped talking to me. Initially when friendsw said anything to me I just said she refuses to talk to me so there is really nothing I can do about it, But I refused to say anything about the situation at all - just said sorry I don't want to get into it.

The crazy thing is that I still see her at larger gatherings. We both turn up, but she just acts like I am not there or invisible. Other friends do sometimes ask me oh did x talk to you - usually with a smile on their face. I just smile back and say no she just ignored me.

I think it has helped to show that she is the one bu. I am fine with others still being friends with her. imo when people start openly taking sides it can cause major ructions between lots of friends and is really not worth it.

Ta!

All sympathy gratefully received round yere.

Even my mum was outraged and she never thinks I'm in the right.

lesley - I can't do that, I really couldn't go and be ignored, way too surreal for me..

It is surreal and bothered me at first. Now I just find it amusing and I think she is incredibly childish.