to ask if you have friends in a very different income bracket?

[Hullygully]

And more importantly, does it create problems?

Yes, and sometimes, unfortunately.

It never used to cause problems whilst DH and I had more disposable income i.e. we could still 'keep up' with them although it would mean spending a greater proportion of our disposable.

It is becoming a problem now we have DD as we have had to modify our lifestyle somewhat which has made things which were a bit of a squeeze before, just not justifiable anymore. They don't seem to understand, and to be honest it will probably mean we see a lot less of them.

I think tho that for us it has become a problem because a lot of our time with these particular friends was spent doing de facto extravagent things, which we all enjoyed at the time, we were young, it didn't matter, etc. so remove the ability to do that and we don't have that much else to base the friendship on IYSWIM.

I don't mean by that that we don't really like each other or anything, just that the things that we can't afford now were kind of the things that we had in common.

The male half of the couple concerned can be particularly blase about e.g. ordering really expensive wine if we go out etc.

On the other hand, my sister and BIL have waaaayyyy more money than us but I cannot conceive of that ever being a problem, and am trying to imagine if we were close friends rather than family, but still can't imagine it being a problem, as they're just not ostentatious with it.

D

Don't think it is an issue with DCs either. Yes envy is natural if you see a friend being able to give their DC opportunity that you can't. But it is not your friends fault. With DCs when younger, we did play dates in each others houses, visits to parks, picnics, etc. My kids are older now and do not want to be friends with my friends DCs - they have their own friends.

Do you think it makes it more difficult if you know each other really really well and all the ins and outs of finance and lives?

Yes and not so far; would you be able to say what happened in your case, Hully?

I actually do know a lot about my friends finances and life - I don't ask them, they tell me. I don't think it makes any difference. Apart from the 1 friend who I feel slightly annoyed with at times when she moans about not having much money. But that isn't because of her income, but because she gave up her main job and now works very part time - is childless. I admit I do feel at times like saying to her - well work full time then like the rest of us.

Yes and no

The richest people we know (millionaires) live in a nice but normal house, shop in Aldi have an oldish car but would drop everything to help you if you needed it. They never talk about it but we think a lot goes to charities and we've also heard rumors about them financially helping people in the local community. For example someone was running a campaign to get money for their severely disabeled child to have certain equipment and within days the campaign went quiet and the equipment started to appear. Their children go to private school but otherwise they are perfectly normal.

Good friends since dc were small, she a single parent, very little money. Lots of free activites like park-going, each other's houses etc, helped unobtrusively (as poss) where could, took them all on holiday one year etc. DC were friends, we were friends as adults too, part of a group of friends with mixed incomes.

A few months ago we were all out and she got very drunk and had a huge go at me about my choices wrt the dc and moving for schools (despite sending her own out of area which I didn't point out), I dealt with it as if it were a philosophical discussion and ignored the extremely personal for the sake of group harmony.

Seen her v little since but have just heard from mutual friends that we are much disliked and apparently show off about our dc and are hypocrites etc etc. I am very hurt. I feel this is about her and not us, but that doesn't help!

I feel badly treated and annoyed but am at a loss.

altinkum- that attitude towards you is disgusting! Okay you are well educated. But if you were not - so what. I'm not actually friends with people because of their level of education or job. I am friends with people who are nice, esay to chat with and you can have a good laugh with.

Actually when i think about it we have had friends in the past where differential incomes have been an issue, but that has been because of their underlying feelings that someone who earns more/is better educated is somehow better as a person. These are all ex friends now!

I was going to say yes and no but then I read your last post and thought about it a bit more. I never think about money or how much my friends have but that is because I don't have to. I suspect those friends I have who are significantly worse off than me may actually think about the issue rather more and I can see that for some of them it could create problems in the future.

That is upsetting Hully. Do you think it is jealousy talking?

Yes and not really so far. But tell us more, Hully.

I realised I only posted about the couple who have way more money than us. There are also several couples or individuals who have much less, and here's the rub...I don't think it's a problem, I hope we do things that don't put them in a fix financially, e.g. we go to each other's houses rather than out etc. and I hope we don't rub their faces in our 'wealth' (we're noooooooot wealthy BTW, I just mean relatively). But that's the thing, I don't think it's a problem, but I maybe they do (I hope not ).

D

I do Quint, but I think that she won't acknowledge that so in her own head has turned it into our fault to justify her feelings.

It's causing wider ructions is the main problem. Pore ol mutual friends caught up in it.

Not very nice of your mutual friend to tell you that, maybe she is stirring?

yes and not as such but it can lead to awkwardness IMO.

We are financially well off.

We have friends who had to declare bankrupcy two years ago.

It is therefore blatantly obvious that we have money and they don't, iyswim.

They are immensely proud people who would never resent anything that we have but it does make you feel awkward because mentioning things like holidays/moving house etc are difficult because I don't want to come across as rubbing their noses in it, iyswim.

That's what I think, Delia. It never occurred to me until now. I always thought friendship trumped peripherals.

Stupid.

Hully - That does sound like it is about her and not you and I understand you being hurt. Although I know you did it unobtrusively, but helping people out financially can often create issues. People can feel somehow beholden and resentful even if you are just trying to be nice.

The only time I have ever seen the paying for a holiday work is where someone already has a holiday home or family has a holiday property that they invite people to. Because the person organising it hasn't paid to rent it, although if they own it they will be paying for it, seems to be viewed differently by people.

Bluebell, no, she is one of my best friends. She told me because I kept going on about how mystified I was about the behaviour and she didn't think it fair to me.

To answer your actual OP, yes and no, I dont think!

I have friends who are insanely wealthy (think second houses and sports cars, 3-4 foreign holidays per year and private school), and friends in one bed flats and low paid jobs. We are comfortable in the middle.

I felt embarrassed recently when one of my wealthier friends suggested a wine for me to bring to her other friend (we were in the wineshop), as I was invited along for dinner, and SHE blushed and spluttered when we realized that the bottle chosen was nearly £30. It is the bottle her dh picks up by the case weekly. I had to buy it, felt compelled to, but I rarely spend more than £9 for a bottle of wine myself.

I try to be watchful with my other friends that I dont cause resentment. But I dont know. I am not always as tactful and thoughtful as I would like.

We're not wealthy, btw, just better off. The holiday thing was because I didn't want them to miss out on a big group thing just because of money. I honestly didn't think that would be resented because when I was very very poor a few years ago good pals took me away and I was grateful. I always think what goes around etc.

Such a shame Hully, i remember your other thread a while ago where you felt a bit left out. Do you think this is related?
I also think the problem is hers, and it is sad that it is spreading out in your circle of friends. Do you think she would have this attitude if she was generally happier in her own life?

altinkum, yes it was an astonishing attitude. No worries about thread, good to have lots of experiences.