To have reported this mum to the head teacher this morning?

[shagmundfreud]

I was dropping ds and friend's dd to infants this morning and as I walked through the gate to the playground realised that the loud and hectoring voice I could hear was coming from a parent walking about 10 feet behind me having conversation on her mobile. Between coming through the gate and reaching the classroom she swore five times at least ('he's fucking useless', 'I'm not fucking having him break his promises to her! Etc) in such a loud voice that both the children with me turned and looked at me in alarm and asked why she was swearing. Was I unreasonable to phone the head when I got home and ask her to say something to this mum? Or should I have quietly said something myself (and risk getting slapped - she's much younger and tougher than me .

On a slightly separate note - feel sad for her kids that their mum is having angry public conversations about their dad (several other things she said point to this being what she was probably talking about).

sure its got nothing to do with her being a bit rough and common OP? Didn't say anything cos you were scared the common piece of scum might have a go back? A quiet word would suffice, some where later, with an open heart and your judgey pants unpicked from up your fanny.
That by the way is said with love and understanding.

How about telling your children to stick their fingers in their ears?

This is going to happen again in all probability, so you need to assess what your approach is going to be for the future. Do you think you could go to the head again next time?

Some exs can drive even the best parents completely cuckoo. As TSC and Rhubarb said upthread, asking her if she's alright or dealing with the fallout directly with your own DCs are really the best ways to go here imo.

xpost with Lola sort of. Open hearted is a very good approach.

OP, I'm so embarassed for you

Why did you bother to ask 'Am I being unreasonable' when you seem to resolutely believe that you are,in fact,reasonable?

If you didn't have the balls to speak to her yourself,you should have taken the opportunity to explain to the children how wrong her behaviour was.And let them see for themselves how bad she looked while she was doing it.

Seriously,phoning the head teacher seems a bit....cowardly.And 'tut-tut' -ish.

so if every parent decided to swear as and when they wanted on the school grounds, then many parents wouldn't have a problem with this? I would let one instance from someone go with a raised eyebrow and give them the benefit of the doubt that they were unduly stressed. However i would not be happy if this kind of behaviour in general was seen to be ok and not worth doing anything about.

in our school you cant use phones

My sister complained about this and the head sent a strong letter out...

Totally agree with you OP. Similiar thing happened at my childrens school. Slightly different in that it was two parents argueing with lots of abusive language. A letter was sent out stating that the school will not tolerate that sort of behaviour and language on their grounds. Head also spoke to the parents involved. (It was not me!)

There are always posts on here from parents asking if they should contact the other parent to sort out disputes or contact the teacher, and the majority advise that you should never approach the parent.

I think if you had said something to this woman it may have resulted in an arguement. It sounds like she was already annoyed but the conversation she was having.

The fact is, it happened on school grounds. Language like that should not have been heard by children going into school and I feel the head has every right to challenge the parent.

*by the conversation

I think you did the right thing.

That sort of language has no place on school premises. I wouldn't have said anything personally, a) because I don't want to get in a slanging match or get punched, and b) if I did say something I'd be concerned there would be repercussions for my DC.

You've alerted the school, they can send a letter out reminding parents of standards of behaviour. And I doubt very much that the staff will be taking the piss.

YABU - it's far from ideal, but you can't expect the head to police language on the way into school.

What a lot of nasty and bitchy replies simply because you told the head! I dont see any problem with what you did and hopefully they will mention it in their newsletter. That mother's behaviour was awful.

Only on Mumsnet are we to deny that stereotypical rough parent that pushes the pushchair 'fag' in hand whist she screams and swears at her children, apparently they do not exist and it's wrong to assume that if they did they'd punch you for intervening.

I sometimes wonder if people that say you should approach her directly are the same type? Most of us would be too frightened to approach a woman that had so little control she swore loudly on a phone in a primary school grounds, without any thought that it's not appropriate. Most people would switch off the phone.

Hear hear Posies of Poison. My mother is head of a school where this is pretty common behaviour, and there have been assaults on school grounds in the past. There is a zero tolerance policy of abusive language and behaviour on school grounds as a result.

Some of you have no clue when you are saying the teachers will all be laughing/thinking OP is a loon for having a problem with this. If she was reporting her for behaviour outside of the school ground maybe, but it is school property and absolutely within the Head's remit to send out a letter/make it clear this type of language isn't going to be tolerated.

This is another one of those weird threads where you realise the parallel lives of some mumsnetters!

OP isn't a loon. I just don't expect it to achieve anything (her telling the head). At our school, the head frequently writes in the newsletter about kids not playing on the school play equipment after school, or about considerate parking.They just do it anyway. Some people only respond to requests like that if there are consequences. In reality, the head can remind parents about appropriate use of language but she has no power to enforce a no swearing rule for parents on the school site. What's she going to do if parents don't comply? Ban them from the premises?

Haven't read the whole thread but YANBU. Of course the head should know about a parent swearing loudly on the school grounds, in earshot of the children. If you had spoken to her yourself you would have probably got an earful of abuse which would have been even more frightening for the children.

The stereotypical rough, fag smoking, swearing parent is unfortunately the norm in the schools near us - I suppose those who live in yummy mummy land wouldn't understand. Our preschool recently sent out a letter to all parents mentioning a similar incident and asking parents not to swear on school grounds. It's sad that they have to be told really. You did the right thing.

Erm, yes ban them from the premises. Of course you can stop abusive language in front of children on school grounds.

YANBU. You'd expect that in the playground at least such scum parents can learn to talk properly. In DD1's school the Head has sent out so many letters practically begging parents not to swear in the playground and reiterating how disappointed he is that he has to keep reminding them, that they are role models for the children etc. I feel quite sorry for the poor man, that he has to teach the parents such basic rules.

YANBU. In your position I would have done the same. It's easy for a teacher to address the issue in a letter reminding all parents about their behaviour on school grounds. I certainly would not have confronted her, I would be scared!

"Didn't say anything cos you were scared the common piece of scum might have a go back?"

Yes. I don't want my children to see me being shouted or sworn at by another adult.

And you are right, I could have approached her on my own after I'd dropped the children off, and told her that her swearing loudly and repeatedly in the playground was offensive and upsetting to my children. I can see the benefit in doing this and not bothering the school with the knowledge that parents are behaving with utter disrespect on the school premises.

Actually I suspect she'd probably rather be told by a teacher (or read it in a newsletter) than by a m/c, much older mum that she'd upset people and behaved badly. It's much more likely to be taken badly if it's seen as someone taking personal affront, than it is if she's reminded that she's infringing school expectations about the behavior of adults on the premises.

As for this: "Why did you bother to ask 'Am I being unreasonable' when you seem to resolutely believe that you are,in fact,reasonable?" - because I'm interested to know WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK of what I did. You'll find that's the case with many posts her on AIBU? You believe you are right but you're interested in other opinions. And actually there are plenty of posts on this thread from people who understand why I reported the mother, and are at least sympathetic, some supportive, of my decision to do so.

Should add - do wonder if those people who've posted in a very judgemental way here, suggesting I'm snotty, immature and idiotic, actually live in communities where anti-social behavior is common among parents.

And if they do, whether they send their kids to the local schools where they're mixing with children from families for whom swearing/smoking around kids/verbal aggression, is normal and acceptable behavior?

I'm really glad my children's school has high expectations when it comes to the behavior of adults and children. From my POV that's what makes it a great school. For some of the children the school is a sanctuary from the unpleasantness and verbal aggression that they're exposed to at home. I strongly resent parents bringing these behaviors into school - it's so disrespectful.

I'm surprised you're getting a hard time here. I wouldn't have confronted her either. Does no harm to tell the head, although there's not much he can do about it.