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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh is not being fair to my mum

101 replies

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 01/11/2011 10:56

I am due back to work soon and am very fortunate to have my mum offer to look after dd. She does not want paying for this but I think we need to give her some money to cover some of her expenses looking after her (petrol, playgroups etc).
I think £50 a month sounds about right but dh thinks we don't need to give her anything and any grandparent would look after dd for free. His parents work and are not able to help.
I think he is completely out of order and is taking my mum for granted. Does £50 sound about right or too little or not enough?

OP posts:

Shakey1500 · 01/11/2011 10:59

I think that's a bargain. Is your DH aware of how much you'd be paying if your mum wasn't being so generous?

worraliberty · 01/11/2011 10:59

I think he's being selfish expecting your Mum to be out of pocket.

Offer her the money (or more if you can manage) and she can either completely refuse it or spend it on your DD if she doesn't want to accept it for herself.

justpaddling · 01/11/2011 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sossiges · 01/11/2011 11:02

You are right, he's not being fair, sounds like a (very) good deal.

AMumInScotland · 01/11/2011 11:02

Looking after her for free shouldn't mean any grandparent being out of pocket, so if there are expenses like playgroup etc then I think you're right to cover them, specially when it means you can go out to work.

I've no idea if £50 a month is a reasonable amount or not - I guess it depends what she'll be doing and what the costs are. Also if you'll be providing everything she needs, or if your mum is going to have to stock up on nappies, formula, food, whatever. You should certainly cover everything that your dd costs her!

Original poster

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 01/11/2011 11:05

We provide nappies, wipes and food plus anything else I can think of dd needs. I have tried to keep mums expenses as low as possible.
Have explained to dh it would cost us £550 a month for childcare but he is being stubborn. He loves saving money and will cut corners anywhere possible.

OP posts:

ColdToast · 01/11/2011 11:07

Your dh sounds very selfish. Your mum is doing you both a massive favour and should at least have her expenses covered if possible.

moominliz · 01/11/2011 11:08

My mum will also be looking after my dc when I return to work and we will be supplying my mum with nappies,food,formula,etc. as well as paying for petrol and activities.

Yes, my mum offered to look after dc but it wouldnt be fair to expect her to pay for everything herself, plus what we'll give her is a damn sight less than the £600-£700 we'd have to pay to a nursery otherwise!

MollyTheMole · 01/11/2011 11:09

Its a bargain and a nice gesture for your Mum so she can treat herself to something nice in return

FT nursery for DS cost £540 and its due to go up to £640 next April

your DH is being a fool

Pickadaytocelebrate · 01/11/2011 11:10

I think he's being extremely selfish. There's saving money and being tight - he's being the latter. Your mother is doing you a huge favour and saving you a fortune. Covering her expenses is just good manners.

NellyMelba · 01/11/2011 11:10

why dont you just give her the child benefit

slavetofilofax · 01/11/2011 11:10

My Mum provided free childcare when my ds's were little and although I offered money, she wouldn't take it and I knew she would be unlikely to before I offered. She can afford it, and she actually enjoys contributing to the dc in that way. I think if I insisted she took money she would be offended.

So I can see where your DH is coming from if he knows his own family wouldn't take money from you if they were doing the childcare. Because of the way my Mum is about stuff like this, it woudl feel very strange to me to pay either set of GP's, although I would always offer.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/11/2011 11:13

So he expects your mum to provide full time free childcare but I bet he won't be asking the same of his own parents. Has he asked them to give up their jobs and look after dd for free? Seems only fair if your mum is doing it. I'm thinking they would tell him to bugger off, so he to research how much childcare would actually cost if he had to pay for it and develop some gratitude towards your mum.

Don't let him take the piss out of your mum or cause bad atmosphere by implying that she shouldn't accept any help with expenses. He sounds like a right arse.

ramblinrose · 01/11/2011 11:14

Your DH begrudges your mum £12.50 a week.
GOSH!
He is being incredibly mean.

IndieSkies · 01/11/2011 11:15

"any grandparent would look after dd for free." ha ha ha - tell him to ask around his friends to see how many have regular and permanent free childcare from grandparents. Tell him to ask his own parents if they would find it reasonable! Tell him to suggest that as they work 'any grandparents would contribute money instead of time to the grandchildren;s childcare'.

He is being really objectionable, exploitative and mean if he expects to take advantage of your parents like this. Is he like this over anything else?

fedupofnamechanging · 01/11/2011 11:15

All very well to say in theory 'my mum would do it for free', but his mum won't be doing it. She'll be at work, making money.

ColdToast · 01/11/2011 11:15

His plans to be a tightarse save money could well backfire if your mum decides in a few months time that it's too expensive for her to be able to continue and you have to find a nursery or childminder.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2011 11:15

YANBU. £50 is a bargain. But why do you need to get DH's agreement on this? Does he have the power of veto over household expediture normally?

HappyAsIAm · 01/11/2011 11:17

Your DH is BU. What a very kind thing for your mum to do - it will make a huge difference to you, and I would imagine give you peace of mind when you are at work. Lots of working parents would give anything for family members to look after their DC whilst they work.

For expenses, I woudl compare how much you give her to how much we put in the kitty for our nanny to pay day to day costs when looking after our DS 3 days a week.

I pay for things like his classes (Boppin' Tots, Monkey Music and the like in the past a term in advance by cheque). So the kitty will cover things like petrol (if I haven't left enough in the tank - she uses our car), ingredients for cooking of thats what nanny and Ds want to do, snacks and soemtimes lunch out, entry to playgroups and pay as you go clubs, bus fares (if they're going into London), ice creams in the park etc. I think I must put in at least £20 every week for 3 days a week.

And if they were going somewhere like the farm, or a museum or something different like that, I woudl put extra in.

I woudl just have a kitty jar, and make clear to your mum that you would like her to use it and feel better about the arrangement if she did.

Bluebell99 · 01/11/2011 11:17

I don't think it sounds enough tbh. When my children were small, I would take them to playgroups, swimming, music with mummy/monkey music. Will she need petrol money, money for going to coffee shops. I would give her at least £100 a month, probably more. Your dh is taken advantage of her good nature.

upahill · 01/11/2011 11:21

Rambllinrose typed what I was going to write!!

Even if your mum says no to money then she deserves a bloody nice treat!!

50 quid is nothing for doing these things. Honestly it isn't.
He is being selfish and mean spirted tbh.

eurochick · 01/11/2011 11:21

The kitty jar sounds good, but she might be reluctant to use it for petrol.

£50 sounds like an amazingly good deal. He is being a tvvat.

neverever · 01/11/2011 11:22

my mil looks after dd2 for 1 day a week she goes to cm the other 2 days, I pay my mil the childminders rate it works out at approx 125 a month, so yes he is bu.

MrsRetchingBloodAndGuts · 01/11/2011 11:22

Tell dh that since he doesn't want to pay your mum he can pay nursery fees instead....

ChippingInAutumnLover · 01/11/2011 11:25

How can you love a man that is so tight and grasping? Seriously.

Find out how much a local nursery is - tell him you are going to call his Mum and ask her to set up a DD for half of that as she can't contribute to actual childcare as your Mum is but as she's working she can do her share by paying your Mum.

Make the point that your Mum is putting herself out to do this (it is hard work, she has had her own kids and no matter how much she wants to do it, it is putting herself out to mind a wee one) his is not (which is actually also fair enough, but he needs to see what a huge favour she is doing you).

£50 doesn't sound like much, petrol is so expensive now, let alone the other things she'll be paying for - but you know best how much it's likely to cost her. If she doesn't want to take it, call it 'Kitty' and tell her any of the toddler groups have to be paid out of kitty etc and bung her some petrol vouchers every now & then.

He's tighter than a ducks backside & his attitude is horrible - so, I hesitate to use the word, but.... entitled.

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