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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dh is not being fair to my mum

101 replies

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 01/11/2011 10:56

I am due back to work soon and am very fortunate to have my mum offer to look after dd. She does not want paying for this but I think we need to give her some money to cover some of her expenses looking after her (petrol, playgroups etc).
I think £50 a month sounds about right but dh thinks we don't need to give her anything and any grandparent would look after dd for free. His parents work and are not able to help.
I think he is completely out of order and is taking my mum for granted. Does £50 sound about right or too little or not enough?

OP posts:
aswellasyou · 01/11/2011 12:06

That really is a very small amount of money. My 13 month old daughter is in nursery full time, I get 85% of the cost paid for me because I'm a full time student. However, it still costs me £123 a month. In my mind, that's an absolute bargain. Has your husband looked at how much nursery care costs? I would make sure your Mum gives you an honest idea of how much it's costing her to look after your daughter, and give her more money if necessary.

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 01/11/2011 12:06

I would say your mum has pulled out and show him the pricing for a local nursery.
Her could then crawl round to your mothers and beg for her help on bended knee
Grandparents are not free childcare, they have done there job and any time the volunteer should be appreciated properly

Slilou · 01/11/2011 12:09

we used to give my mum £25 per week for 2 days a week. that was 10years ago.

she used to do people's gardens for a bit of cash in hand. the money was to help her feel less pressured to work on other days therefore feel over tired.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 01/11/2011 12:10

AF - absolutely - his ho would be well heaved. Nasty attitude.

Maryz - that's partly why I suggested they have a kitty then it's 'money for expenses' not 'paying granny'.

But it would all be academic because there's no way on gods little earth I'd be living with this miser.

MrBloomsNursery · 01/11/2011 12:10

That sounds really mean. I bet your Mum could use the £50 a month for loads of things. Your husband is being greedy and silly.

pranma · 01/11/2011 12:10

I do some childcare[was 2days a week now 1and a half] and wouldnt take any money but it was offered and I appreciated that.Dd takes us out for a meal occasionally or we go round for Sunday dinner.When I go to their house to look after dgs's they provide everything and if I bring them here dd leaves a bag of stuff though I usually feed them here as they love to cook-usually scrambled eggs :)
Do offer your mum the £50 but dont be surprised if she refuses.Your dh is being a bit of a tick actually-tell him so.

marge2 · 01/11/2011 12:13

He's an arse.

whatdoiknowanyway · 01/11/2011 12:16

OP, I know a family very like yours. Grandmother (now in her late 70s) has looked after both children from birth. Oldest is 5. Her SonIL is very ungracious and IMO does not give her the respect and gratitude she deserves.
It grieves me that her savings have become depleted through her moving house to be near them yet they have had free child care for years.
Make a payment to your mum and give her money to take the DC out. The £300 a month quoted above sounds more reasonable than the £50 your husband is querying.

stripeywoollenhat · 01/11/2011 12:17

your h is a tight arsed tosser, clearly. he thinks your mother should not only take care of his child for nothing, but that she should pay for the privilege? wow.

Fizzylemonade · 01/11/2011 12:19

Slightly different but my Mum used to come over every week once she retired to spend the day and evening. She would look after my boys in the evening whilst Dh and I went out.

I used to cover her petrol money as it was 100 mile round trip and she was on a pension so didn't have cash to splash. She was doing me a favour.

Childcare is incredibly expensive, it was part of the reason I am a SAHM.

Most people have already said that childcare for £50 a month is a fantastic deal. £12.50 a week, bloody bargain. That would cover you for a couple of hours with a childminder.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 01/11/2011 12:20

I am embarrassed for your dh. That is just about the meanest thing I have ever heard! How dreadful.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 01/11/2011 12:23

He is being totally selfish.

Your lovely mum is doing you a huge favour.

Favour.

She doesn't owe you childcare and your husband needs to understand this.

And that she can stop at any time she likes, and that she can tell you at any point that such and such a day or week isn't going to be possible.

So you need to have a back up childcare option on standby, because there may be times your mum can't do you this favour.

Please please make sure that you get your husband to understand that it is a great big favour she is doing you, and never ever lose sight of that and begin to feel it is your right.

SharrieTBGinzatome · 01/11/2011 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Liskey · 01/11/2011 12:38

DMIL looks after DD and we pay her £25 a day which is well under what a nursery or CM would charge but its what DMIL has requested. DD gets 1 on 1 care and attention and builds a loving relationship with her Granny. Your DH is being totally unreasonable expecting anyone except him and you to look after her for free.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 01/11/2011 12:40

Back again Grin she's basically going to give over a good portion of her life to support you.

Your husband should be so grateful to her. Not arrogantly feeling like it's owed, or she should be paying you for the honor of being allowed to provide free childcare.

Honestly, he needs a reality check. His attitude is disgusting.

If your mum is ill sometime, or has another committment, I bet he'll hit the roof.

Appuskidu · 01/11/2011 12:42

I am appalled that your DH would consider this. Is he embarrassingly tight about paying for other things? We paid my mum £100 a month for having DS for two days each week. If your mum is doing full time, I'd say even if you paid double this, it would be a token amount!

I'd tell him I was ashamed of him.

CurrySpice · 01/11/2011 12:43

So the most precious person in your lives (DD) is being looked after by someone you love and adore (your mom) who in turn will love and nuture your DD like only a nan can

And your DH thinks that' snot worth £50 a month?!?

It is priceless!

And that's quite apart from how much you're saving over paid childcare

He sounds like a knob someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing and an ungrateful, ungracious twat

Proudnscary · 01/11/2011 12:45

I'd be ashamed and embarassed of him.

Don't quite think I'd leave him however Hmm...

I would call his bluff and say 'I've told mum we can't pay expenses so she's very sad to say she can't accept...I've looked into nursery fees and we'll have to pay £550 a month so shall I book it?'

CurrySpice · 01/11/2011 12:46

In fact, I'd be tempted to say to him "OK - I have made childcare arrangements. If you don't find them acceptable, I will cancel them and leave it up to you to find a better and cheaper option. I go back to work on xyz date and I will be leaving at 8am and childcare is your responsibility from that moment on"

And do it

(while keeping your mom in on the ruse of course!!)

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 01/11/2011 12:48

My DH is the tightest man I know, and even he is of the mind that we pay my DM for childcare. She is a childminder, and I have basically TOLD her that we will be paying what she charges. No arguments. She was unsure about it, but it would not sit well with me to expect or receive full time childcare and not remunerate the person appropriatley. Your DH is getting off lightly by settling at £50 a month.

LikeABlackFlameCandleBNQ · 01/11/2011 12:49

I love currys idea Grin

Xnedra · 01/11/2011 12:52

Also ask him when your dd has children will he be expecting you and he to care for her children for free and incur the considerable expenses in fuel, outings etc, on a daily basis?

Nagoo · 01/11/2011 12:56

I agree that 'kitty' idea is the way forward.

I'm sorry your DH is so tight OP. I hope you buy your own Christmas presents Wink

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/11/2011 12:57

Yep, would do what Curry says, and then ignore the foot stomping that will inevitably follow. (I don't like my DH at all today, so am trying to hold back here before I tell you what I think of Men generally)

valiumredhead · 01/11/2011 13:00

Why do you need his permission? Give your mum the money and if he questions it tell him you're saving hundreds in nursery fees. What a skinflint!