Dh is not being fair to my mum

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

I am due back to work soon and am very fortunate to have my mum offer to look after dd. She does not want paying for this but I think we need to give her some money to cover some of her expenses looking after her (petrol, playgroups etc).
I think £50 a month sounds about right but dh thinks we don't need to give her anything and any grandparent would look after dd for free. His parents work and are not able to help.
I think he is completely out of order and is taking my mum for granted. Does £50 sound about right or too little or not enough?

Have you thought that your mum may refuse? I treated my more more often and bigger Xmas/birthday pressies that sort of thing cause she wouldn't take money.

I know parents that pay the GM £300 a month, and for that they get all the childcare they want.

If someone is doing it for nothing, you feel you have to ASK them the favour of having the DC for more than 3 times a week. 'Would you mind? 'Is it OK if, 'Are you free on'

If you PAY someone, even a relative, then somehow it's easier to ask them to pick up the slack as and when it's needed.

The GM doesn't feel put upon, or taken advantage of.

OP insist on a payment, £50 or more if you can afford it.

What Valium said....if my DH complained about this, I would ignore him...he is being awful.

I'd be embarrassed at his meanness. I couldn't live with someone so tight that they want to save the money that his MIL is spending.

OP, do you really like this man?

Thanks for all the posts. As I suspected he is being an arse and £50 is really too low for covering expenses. Thing is dm is very reluctant to take the cash, so am going to have to chuck it in a kitty jar to make sure she has it.
Dh knows we could get away with not paying her so he thinks we should hang on to the cash.
He is as I have long suspected a tight arse.

Imperial
I do love him very much. He has a lot of amazing qualities but he is tighter than a ducks butt. He is open to reason thankfully and even if he wasn't on this one I would just take cash out of the joint account anyway.

I am just appalled by his selfish, immature, entitled attitude re my mum. Just because his parents still slave away helping him with hundreds of little jobs he expects the same from her. Doesn't seem to appreciate she is a bloody saint.

When I was nannnying I had a float of £5O, it's perfectly reasonable. Don't GIVE it to your mum, tell her it's in a jar for playgroups/outings etc.

OMG I can't believe your DH's attitude.How mean, how embaressing...this about the most meanest thing I@ve ever heard.

I have 2DCs and I pay £915 a month for them for 3 days and I would happily pay the same amount to my mum or MIL to look after them as I know they will do a great job and I have peace of mind that they are looked after by someone that loves them. But they live too far away.

Honestly, is your DH so tight about other things? Miserlyness is one of the most unattractive traits in man.

You say he enjoys saving money OP, well remind him he IS saving money - about £500 a month in nursery fees!

At £50 per month, your mum won't be looking after your dd for free, it will actually be costing her money to do so. I would give her £100 minimum, and to hell with your DH, who sounds like an entitled arse.

I can't believe £50 will cover incidentals. You'd be lucky of it even covered petrol, never mind wet wipes and Persil. Would be plenty for bread for the ducks, though.

I think £100 would be fairer TBH, petrol alone really adds up

Tell him to stop being so tight, even if one of you was going to be a sahp, you would still be paying for Playgroups and other incidental expenses during the week.

I'd call his bluff tbh.

Tell him in that case it won't be happening and start looking at nurseries

yep trroll around nurserys or cms and see how much this would cost.

why are you asking his permission btw, its your mum and your child, of course you should pay her.

he sounds mean to the point of horrid, sorry.

Have given mum £70. Had to force her to take it she doesn't want a penny (bless her).
Dh is fine with paying her but he still thinks if she wants to do it for free we should let her. I think he is a tight git.

He has no idea how lucky he is to be offered free care by a trusted family member

I'm guessing he hasn't done all that much care himself or he would understand a bit more the seriousness and generosity of what she's offering

sorry, possibly too harsh. But it is an embarrassing insight into his lack of generosity

I know what people mean about embarrassing. I find meanness to be very embarrassing. It makes me cringe :(

Yes, me too, CurrySpice. I think all of us have been in a pub with someone who just can't bear to pay for a drink. This, though, is different - much worse - as it's the OP's mother who is paying for the drinks, so to speak.

OP, I think you need to tell him that it's a very, very unattractive trait. I'm sure he's been in the metaphorical pub when someone is reluctant to pay - I'm sure it drives him wild.

Just because your lovely mum is too nice to say that yes, actually, it's costing her money to look after your children, it doesn't mean he should take advantage of that. What about keeping her car full of petrol and putting some money each week on a Sainsburys (or equivalent) card?

I wouldn't keep a pot with cash in - she won't use it. By the way, I hope she isn't aware of your OH's attitude.

Your hubby is being a tit and very mean. Also 50 pounds is too little for one month. She needs to be able to do one activity a day with your child - something that involves getting out of the house - play groups, soft play, walks, cafe visits, library sing alongs, ice creams in the park, swimming, visiting farms, bike rides etc. If you put in a bit of money you will find that the experience ir richer/more varied/more enjoyable for both granny and baby.

I would do 3 things
1)insist that you pay for petrol at least once or twice a month to cover her additional mileage to your house / taking DD out
2)leave £50 in a kitty and insist that she uses this for playgroups/expenses
3)treat her to something nice every month so she has some "me" time as a thank you - pay for her hair, pamper at a spa, nice meal out so she doesn't have to cook/wash up

That way you are not paying her anything, just making sure she isn't out of pocket and also showing that you appreciate her :)
Don't see how your DH could object to that - he is BVU to begrudge her not being out of pocket.

If your mum's like my mine she'd never waste the money on a spa day. She'd rather be able to pay her utility bills. Give her cold hard cash & tell your tight-wad husband to suck it up. Oh, & £50 is way, way too little.