Dh is not being fair to my mum

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

I am due back to work soon and am very fortunate to have my mum offer to look after dd. She does not want paying for this but I think we need to give her some money to cover some of her expenses looking after her (petrol, playgroups etc).
I think £50 a month sounds about right but dh thinks we don't need to give her anything and any grandparent would look after dd for free. His parents work and are not able to help.
I think he is completely out of order and is taking my mum for granted. Does £50 sound about right or too little or not enough?

If it was occasional babysitting, he'd have a point. Most grandparents are happy to help out and spend a bit of time with their grandchild.

But regular, full-time childcare is a different matter IMO. I think you should definitely offer to contribute to expenses (can't comment on the exact amount as I don't know how much she'll be paying out, if you think £50 is fair then you should know).

As others have pointed out, she's saving you a huge amount compared to what you'd pay have for nursery or a nanny, it seems very unreasonable of your DH to begrudge offering a small contribution to your mum.

Why don't you do what someone suggested and put the 50 pounds in a jar/purse and just leave it up to your mum to take what she needs from you, in terms of petrol/clubs etc?

Having said that, I don't give my mum a set amount a month for helping with the children, I give her money as we go along for specific things (e.g. money for afterschool club/swimming I deal with all that). I would also leave out the money for playgroup etc.

Your DH is utterly clueless. Given that it costs more than 40 quid a day for childcare then £50 a month is nothing. He should be grateful your mum is willing andd able to help.

Just give your mum the money

Why do you need your grasping, skinflint H's permission ?

He's a bit of a miser? So to him it seems like 'wasting' money because your mother will look after your child for free?

Tell him it's not about money it's about respect for other people and not taking advantage of their good nature. What kind of person does he want to be? Very few people have parents who are both willing and able to look after their GC full time. It's about not taking the piss and exploiting her love for her GC by allowing her to be out of pocket when she's doing you a HUGE favour.

I think your DH is a serious meanie. I think that even if your mum doesn't want it, you should insist she takes some money to cover expenses. If my MIL looked after my child whilst I worked and I only had to give her 50 quid, I'd be over the moon!

Tightfistedness is a horrible attribute in any person. I agree there is no way your mother should be out of pocket, and you should provide cash for trios, playgroups, soft play, treats etc. and petrol to get to any of these. And coffee etc. for your lovely mother when she is out with DD.

Frankly it doesn't matter how stubborn he is. Be stubborn right back, tell him you won't allow him to cost your mother money and therefore DD is going into childcare at £550 per month. Repeat until he backtracks. He is being very unreasonable.

Agree with AF - just give her the money, you dont need your DH's permission.

I cant believe hes moaning about £50, honestly, he sounds like a proper weasle

Your DH is being VVVVU. He is acting self centred and tight fisted, your mum is saving the pair of you an absolute fortune, my childcare is £800 a month! Unfortunatley my mum works in shifts so cannot offer any childcare even though i know she'd love to have DD regularly.

What I dont understand is why you need his agreement, you are back at work why dont you give your mum the money from your wages?

I think £50 a month (plus regular treats of flowers, chocs, bath goodies etc to show appreciation) is a bargain!

I like the kitty jar idea. How about start out with £50 in there, she can take out what she wants/needs and at the end of the month any left go on flowers/chocolate something little to say thank you.

I would tell your DH you (family you) will be using £50 a month for your mums expenses or he can try to persuade his mum to quit her job to look after dd or he can pay nursery.

Your Dh is confusing 'grandparent' and 'parent'. A parent has to look after their child for free. A grandparent has already done it once and if they want to pitch in, it is a favour not an expectation!

Cor, he sounds awful.

TELL your DH you will give your mum £50 a month to cover expenses for DD, with instructions that if she spends more than that, she should let you know and you'll cover the difference.

Point out that if you paid a nanny, they wouldn't pay for groups, petrol to/from groups etc themselves, they'd want that on top of the daily rate - what your mum is offering is one to one care in your home for free, this would cost you approximately £9 per hour. She's saved you enough.

If he's not prepared to accept this, then say you will turn down your mum's offer and he'll have to ask his parents if they will stop their paid work and work for free for you, and fund it themselves.

wow your dh is seriously as tight as a ducks arse

we all like to save money but definately not at the expense of family and friends. It is a massive commitment for your mum to make in terms of her time and something to simply cover her expenses is only right to ensure that financially she doesnt loose out

Do you not have access to the money to pay her?
I would just pay it.

Your DH is being completely unreasonable.

It is much easier and more enjoyable looking after a child if you have a bit of money to spend on playgroups/outings/treats. Why would he expect your mum to be out of pocket on these things when she has already made such a generous offer?

Agree with AF - I'd just give her the money anyway!

to give your DH a bit of perspective, my DM is hoping to be able to help out with childcare next year

If she can Ive TOLD her that I will give her £15 A DAY (and thats with me providing food etc) to cover exes and, yes, as payment/thankyou as its still FAR cheaper than childcare for both of the DS's and better for me as I know the DCs will be with family.

so, I'll be gving my mum £300 every month if I go back FT and I consider that to be a bloody bargain for looking after two DCs

maryz...if I had a husband who acted like that, I would give him the heave-ho regardless , tbh

I think it's really great of you to offer your DM money as a thank you for the (expensive) childcare. He is BVU to begrudge this. Id also pop a little purse in the LO's changing bag with loose change in it each day for things like Ice Creams, other little trinkets asked for by kiddies.

I really feel for GPs these days who are roped into full time childcare when they don't work, and tbh, have more than likely earned a rest.

Your DH is being VVVVVVVVU. He's also selfish, tight and an entitled, piss taking arse. How dare he treat your DM so badly. He should be ashamed of himself.

Gobshite, indeed