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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Why don't you get your husband to call us, instead?' - GRRRR

170 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 29/10/2011 20:22

This is what the woman at the membership department of a charity I just joined said to me when I rang up because they had mistakenly listed our membership under HIS name, not mine, despite the fact that I am paying for it.

Why had they done this? - oh, because when the membership lady was filling out our form, she'd automatically put 'Mr' in the box 'because of course it's generally the man of the house who pays' (Hmm). I thought she was kidding, but apparently not.... And of course they couldn't fix it unless 'my husband' told them it was okay!

This also comes in a week when, after we bought a wardrobe, the salesman turned to DP despite the fact that I was getting my wallet out. When I pointedly held out my debit card, he took it, saying 'Unusual, very unusual' and then asked DP if he was going to take me out for lunch to make up for it.

Angry

AIBU to think the world is full of sexist pigs? Or am I stuck in some weird timewarp where women still need permission to have bank accounts and get egg money once a week Devon ?

OP posts:
Minus273 · 30/10/2011 21:11

onemorning you should have rung the bell and asked for some. I would have been tempted even if I didn't want any. Just to prove a point.

catsrus · 30/10/2011 21:27

Tales you might want to check if the issue is the broadband - you might be able to get the sky done seamlessly - this only requires a change of card in the existing machine ffs! (but get the new free one if you can!) - you might be able to manage with a broadband dongle for 2 weeks.

I did mine via a local guy who does arials but is also a Sky engineer - so I filled in the forms with him and he got the box, the subscription was activated from the day he fitted it.... oh, actually, exH was still paying for the old subscription, so there might have been a few days cross over on that - so that might explain why we could do it. But if you have a local arial company it might be worth talking to them?

Helenagrace · 30/10/2011 22:49

I got some flowers from our car dealership after they handed dh the keys to our new car in an envelope with Mr Grace on it - despite me having been in to choose the car, me having paid for the car, taxed the car and insured the car and it being registered in my name. I tore a strip off them explained sweetly that it was my car.

Earlier this year an idiot in PC World suggested I get dh to pop into the shop as the salesman apparently didn't know what a laptop stand was and had never seen one. I handed him an armful of stuff and explained that I'd take my nasty female pounds somewhere else.

Sexism is truly alive and kicking. What's really scary is that both these guys were in their twenties. I could (almost) understand a guy nearing retirement struggling with independent women but a twenty something???

clam · 30/10/2011 23:07

My friend had a neighbour who phoned her and asked to speak to "the man of the house." She said that she was able to deal with whatever it was and he said no, it needed to be her husband. Eventually she got it out of him that he wanted them to trim their hedge!

skybluepearl · 30/10/2011 23:15

i think the charity has commited some kind of fraud??

PigletJohn · 30/10/2011 23:16

I was thinking she must have wanted him to wee on the hedge to discourage foxes. Men are good for that.

Gay40 · 31/10/2011 04:19

On holiday. DD's father has joined us for the last few days. I have paid serious dollars for a special treat. My name on the booking, all over everything. However, the receptionist addresses him and him alone, and hands the map of the park to him without even looking at me and DP.

notcitrus · 31/10/2011 09:19

When MrNC (Dr X) and I (Dr Y) moved in together, I emailed our old university to tell them the change of address and we only needed one copy of their magazine.

Cue change of address to "Dr HisFirstName and HerFirstName X"...
I have never called myself anything X, so emailed back to complain.

I write to them to complain every year or so - it's been 10 years now that they haven't sorted it and therefore are still not getting any money from us!

BOOareHaunting · 31/10/2011 09:36

Shock @ the stories here.

I am a LP and have been referred to as Mrs (even after telling them I'm Miss), Mrs (DS surname) which is wrong and worse of all have people ring and ask to speak to Mr Boo. He doesn't exist either.

Even better is the insurance sales posts I get through to Mr Boo. I've never opened one to see if they mean me (unisex name) or f they've just sent to to the 'male' of the house.

Funnily enough, (and sorry to point it out) but I find the worse culprits woman, men just seem to ask if I am X or what to call me.

PigletJohn · 31/10/2011 10:22

men are just naturally more considerate Grin

HazleNutt · 31/10/2011 10:52

I am thinking about doing a doctorate just to confuse people. Even if would be written Dr Myname and Mr Hisname, as this thread has shown, people would think it's a typo. He would be addressed as Dr Myname and I would be Mrs hisname.

notpodd · 31/10/2011 11:06

@HazleNutt - we are Dr and Mr and it happens to us ALL the time - everyone assumes he is the doctor. I've also noticed at the kids school all the dads who are doctors get called Dr this and Dr that but I am Mrs notpodd, dispite the fact that they are well aware I am Dr. And when I just write my own name by title, therefore with no gender attached EVERYONE assumes I'm a man.

CurrySpice · 31/10/2011 11:15

Ooo my bank,that I've banked with (in my name alone) for nearly 30 years and have held a business accnount with for 13 years (again in my name) phoned me to ask if I would like to go in for a financial review

I said possibly, and this idiot followed it up with "When will your husband be able to make it?" Shock

I replied that since he had never been a customer and we had been separated for 4 years, I doubted he'd be that bothered

I was furious. I have to go in today and plan to make my wrath known to all and sundry Angry

oldraver · 31/10/2011 11:41

Missing Mum there was more to the Passport phone call after the "get your husband to fill form"

Me...Why would I get my husband to fill in a form that I am perfectly capable of filling in. The question was .. Shall I put my sons fathers details on the form

HIM. Yes your husband can fill in the details for you

Me... My 'husband' is dead

This was met by hmm's then silence. Followed by an almighty rant from myself and I was passed over to a supervisor

HIM

HazleNutt · 31/10/2011 11:51

notpodd I thought so :) isnt' this just sad? Surely women can't be doctors?

earlyonemorning · 31/10/2011 12:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for personal reasons.

mrskbpw · 31/10/2011 13:12

I am a journalist and when I was a young, eager junior reporter I would go out on jobs with a male photographer. I can't tell you how many times I would ask the questions and the interviewee would reply to my photographer. I'd write down their answer in my notebook, ask them another question - and they'd reply to my photographer.... grrr.

Nowadays, it happens all the time with things like the mortgage, life insurance blah blah. Always in my husband's name even though I sort it out. In fact, the only correspondence we ever get addressed to me is stuff from my son' school. And that annoys me as well!

lottiegb · 31/10/2011 13:31

A classic on the broader theme of assumptions about women's lives and titles is the still widespread expectation that everyone can offer their Mother's maiden name as useful security information.

Do all women marry before having children? Do all change their surnames if they do? Have exceptions not been widespread since the 1960s or 70s (a lot of years and professional lifetimes) thus negating the universality of the 'maiden name' for a % of the population?

When young and feeling stroppy (and despite my own mother having maiden and married names), I took this up with a bank which was insisting on this specific information for security purposes. They let me use my cat's name but were utterly bemused. They still do it.

nickelbabe · 31/10/2011 13:48

we went to a restaurant on Saturday night lastweek - my parents had come to stay with us.
They were paying (well, dad was), but I seem to be the only one in the family who knows how to act in a restaurant. So I did the ordering, I did most of the talking and sorting out what everyone wanted.
The waiter treated me like the one in charge, and even tried to hand me the bill at the end Grin
See, some people get it right (ie: directing everything to the person who appears to be in charge)

colken · 31/10/2011 13:53

I like this thread. I'm now going to the supermarket and will be waiting for something to happen that I can report here. I will be watching everything that happens or is said to me.

Will report on return.

MrsTwinks · 31/10/2011 14:26

lottie my cousin has that exact issue. It seems more secure as who on earth (unless they knew him) would guess that it was the same name? That said his middle name is his Dad's surname so I guess if they were guessing they would assume that one (a V obvious surname name)

On the flip side I was reminded this morning (trying to do something) how bloody difficult it is also to change your name. Sure I can add DH to an account no problem, or close mine and open in his name, but to change my surname to match his... 1000000000 tons of bloody paperwork.

Its all a conspiracydesigned to give the men all the power, cos its simply so much easier than dealing with all the bloody forms and phonecalls needed otherwise!!! (and 3 years on I'm still Miss to most of the house bills)

Gay40 · 31/10/2011 14:34

DP has taken to answering "And what is your husband's name?" with my real name, which is extremely girly and leads to awkward silences as people try to process this at the speed of lightning.

BramblyHedge · 31/10/2011 14:43

DP and I have joint NT membership and needed to convert it to family when ds1 turned 5. This was halfway through year so only a small pro rata amount needed to be paid. I am the first name on the membership but in trying to convert it, they switched our names round and then said we clearly hadn't paid that years fee...because they were now looking under DPs surname rather than mine (i am also first named on our bank account). Sounds familiar! Thankfully, little ol me was ableto deal with this on the phone.

eurochick · 31/10/2011 14:52

When I was at school (all girls, natch) I remember a teacher telling me that when she started work in the 60s her husband was still in training and earning nothing so she was the only taxpayer in the household. She was due a tax rebate. The cheque came addressed to her husband.

Things have moved forward since then. But slowly!

nickelbabe · 31/10/2011 14:56

true lottie - that's quote dangerous now, given that many women's "maiden" names are the same as their name now - like mine is.