Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Why don't you get your husband to call us, instead?' - GRRRR

170 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 29/10/2011 20:22

This is what the woman at the membership department of a charity I just joined said to me when I rang up because they had mistakenly listed our membership under HIS name, not mine, despite the fact that I am paying for it.

Why had they done this? - oh, because when the membership lady was filling out our form, she'd automatically put 'Mr' in the box 'because of course it's generally the man of the house who pays' (Hmm). I thought she was kidding, but apparently not.... And of course they couldn't fix it unless 'my husband' told them it was okay!

This also comes in a week when, after we bought a wardrobe, the salesman turned to DP despite the fact that I was getting my wallet out. When I pointedly held out my debit card, he took it, saying 'Unusual, very unusual' and then asked DP if he was going to take me out for lunch to make up for it.

Angry

AIBU to think the world is full of sexist pigs? Or am I stuck in some weird timewarp where women still need permission to have bank accounts and get egg money once a week Devon ?

OP posts:
languagepedantic · 29/10/2011 22:38

First meeting of new tutorial group a few years ago - female student hesitates at doorway. On reassuring her that she was in the right place, she said 'Oh, but your name's Dr xx - so I thought you'd be a man'........

SilentSinger · 29/10/2011 22:38

Sadly this isn't a new one as others have also posted about car salesmen but when I was looking at getting a new car I'd been talking to the woman about new new cars for ages, had a test drive blah blah and then thought I might get a used car. Used car manager comes for a chat and ignores me and talks to DP instead. This was before we lived together, he was still on benefits and no chance of buying anything other than a toy car given his finances.

At this point DP is desperately trying not to look at the used car manager and mentally urging him to talk to me before my head explodes in rage. He finally got the message and was talking to me but I'd pretty much decided that I wasn't interested by then anyway. He then tried to sway me to buy a car based on him chucking in a free car seat when we discussed whether the existing car seat would fit. Hmm

I was tempted to tell him that it wasn't my child (it's DP's) and therefore I couldn't give a shit about having a car seat just to see his reaction. (disclaimer: I spent an excessive amount of time researching what I thought was the safest car seat for DP's DD)

Midori1999 · 29/10/2011 22:42

We were once looking at used cars where the salesman insisted on talking to DH only. It was me who has researched everything we needed to know. When I asked him if the car we was looking at had had it's cam belt changed, as it needed doing as X thousand miles, his jaw dropped right to the floor. He then rather patronisingly said 'oh, you do do your reserach don't you?' to which I replied that it would be foolish to buy a car without doing so. We then left.

Zacsbird · 29/10/2011 22:47

A few months ago my next door neighbour called to tell me he had had a quote for new guttering and fascia on his house. The guy doing the job had offered a discount if he did both our houses at the same time.

I was a bit Shock at the attempt to get a discount as the cost was 1400 quid so way out of my price range. I do however need some guttering repaired so contacted the guy to get a quote for a couple of drain pipes.

When he came round it was quite clear he was only interested in replacing the whole guttering system for the house, which I couldn't afford. He was pretty insistent and after saying no many times, he came out with the classic " Do you need to check with the husband first luv"?

No I fecking well don't, it's MY house my money so chuff the chuff off mate!

Obviously I was a teeny bit more polite.

oldraver · 29/10/2011 22:50

I phone the Passports helpline with a query when applying for a passport for DS

Me.. Hello, my sons father isnt on his birth certificate so do I still need to put his details down on the form

Man on phone...Oh you will need to get you husband to fill form

Me ...Sorry

MOP.... Get Husband to fill form.

KoPo · 29/10/2011 23:05

Takes me back to buying my last bike (motor) went down with DH as he was paying for it as I had just booked and paid for our holiday and was a little light in my account.

Salesman talked over me and asked DH what we were looking for in a bike. DH responds with a rather loud "Why not ask the person who's arse is going to be on the seat of it instead of me". Needless to say we didnt buy from there and saved money at the next (and way more polite) showroom.

Unfortunately sexism is live and kicking.

whatdoiknowanyway · 29/10/2011 23:13

Roofer came to assess repairs needed on our roof

Him 'shame your husband is not here, I'd take him up and show where the issue is'

Me 'would be no good if he was as he has vertigo, I'll go up with you'

So we climbed up

Him 'I've never been on a roof with a woman before'

View was fantastic but it was terrifying, very steep pitch. Didn't tell the roofer that though :)

oldraver · 29/10/2011 23:17

O yes got a car one as well.
We went to test drive a new car for me, the salesman automatically put DH in the front, I didnt want to make a scene so sat in the back with DS. Salesman did all the spiel to dh then after a while leaned over and started saying to DS, "oh wont you like being picked up from school in this car", and equally nauseating drivel including something about you Mum looking nice picking you up from school.

We stopped a mile or so short of the show room and almost as an after thought he asked if I would like 'a little go'. DH snapped, "I would think so, it is her car afterall "

wicketkeeper · 29/10/2011 23:27

When will it ever end? I've just written to a charity well known for its preservation of historic buildings to ask why they are addressing all correspondence to DH when we have a joint membership and when we became members it was me that filled in all the details and paid with my debit card.

But I'm pleased to say my DSD is herself a car salesperson.

FutureNannyOgg · 29/10/2011 23:30

I had a nightmare with this when I had a conservatory put on my house. DH and I had not been together long and weren't married. The house is mine, just mine, I had it before I met him. They kept calling him Mr [my surname] despite the fact that we kept correcting them, and kept going to him for instruction rather than me.

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 29/10/2011 23:49

We get a lot of assumptions as my first name is unisex, OH?s is unisex in his original (if that?s the right way to say it) culture, but in English his name does sound more feminine.

Anyway some of the bills are in my name some in his, just whoever was free to sort it at the time, so we get calls asking to speak to Mr my name. To which I answer there is no one of that name here I am MS my name can I help. This is usually followed by confused silence.

Or ?can I speak to Mr his name?? sorry he?s not in can I help? Oh you?re Mrs his name? No,I?m his partner, again confused silence.
I mean really in 2011 is it really that odd that a couple who live together either (a) are not married or (b) if they are that they both have the same surname?

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 29/10/2011 23:53

wicket was it the National Trust? Because that's the charity I was talking about. And if it was, since it sounds like the exact same thing happened to me as to you, it's obviously not an isolated problem - I might write to them if so.

OP posts:
Jammyrella · 29/10/2011 23:55

Thankfully not had many problems with blatent sexism. But the one that sticks in my mind is when I did a prt time photography course some years ago, when I was in my mid-20s. Several older men on the course treated me VERY much like the silly young girl, until the last lesson. One of them asked a question about lenses - the tutor was trying to answer and I added to his explanation. One of the old guys said "I expect you know about that because you weat glasses?" I said, "No, I know about that because I've got a physics degree!"

Miette · 30/10/2011 00:21

I did chuckle a bit at 'Unusual, very unusual' Blush
When we were looking at prams in a small independent shop the guy was showing my husband how to work the pram and letting him try it out but completely ignoring me, despite the fact it would be me using the pram the most. He also insisted there was no need to check the car seat fitted our car. The shop has since closed down and I'm not that surprised.

missingmumxox · 30/10/2011 00:53

lol at the passport office thing, I had a similar but different thing but off thread I will get back in after.

Gran Died and had mulitiple appointments with Dr so I volenteered to cancel then as I worked in the hospital, so
"hello I would like to cancel x appointment"
"really and WHAT! is the reason?"
"she is dead"
"oh! right so you are cancelling are you aware that canceling at this late stage it is very awkward to fill the appointment" WTF???
"well yes I guess it is!"
"I suppose your Gran wants another appointment? when should we arrange it for her?"
"er she is dead!" and seriously this conversation went on for an age, until I told her my grans e-mail and spelt it out and the lady clearly wrote it out, as [email protected] seriously!!
back to the program I have a friend who is a Dr and her husband is as well and she has mail which says Dr and Mrs Dr...seriously! and another friend who found out her new hubby had changed his title to Dr on the back of she was a Dr so therefore he could use it!

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 30/10/2011 01:20

her new hubby had changed his title to Dr on the back of she was a Dr so therefore he could use it!'

O
M
F
G

well that just beats Bangor...........

BupcakesandHaunting · 30/10/2011 01:56

YANBU!

I had a sales prick person from SafeStyle cheapo crappo windows come to give me a quote last year. He asked what window style I was interested in and I said I wanted sash style. He didn't know what sash windows were. He rang his office saying "Do we do shas windows? I said SHAS windows?!" FFS. He found out that they did. He measured up and made himself comfy on my sofa and asked if he could have another tea. I made him one and asked if there was any danger of him giving me a quote. He asked how long DH was going to be. I was Confused and I said "In about 6 hours I should think" and he said "Oh, I didn't realise. Shall we arrange an appointment for when he IS here?" Hmm I asked why that would be necessary and he said because I wouldn't be able to remember all of the information Shock I ushered him out. Could NOT believe it.

Solo · 30/10/2011 01:46

I've been a biker for 30 years, bought many new and used bikes, but never once been talked over in favour of any man I might have been with, even though they've almost always been very big bikes! it's astonishing!

desertgirl · 30/10/2011 02:38

goodness, although I get these a lot, thought it would be different in the UK (am in Middle East - not that that is an excuse!). Last time I was looking for a new house, one of the estate agents was actually asking me about 'boss', ie husband.... (am separated, and even before that was main breadwinner etc - concepts they can't get their head round here)

Gay40 · 30/10/2011 03:15

[email protected] has made my day. Still laughing!

TheHumancatapult · 30/10/2011 03:29

I went to look at cars when I was married after the sakes person finshed talking to my then H asked if any questions after ignoring mine saying I think men tend to be better at buying card . Look on his face when I started looking at the engine etc and Then H saying you better ask her she's the one with the mechanic experience

And nope we did not buy the car

Bearskinwoolies · 30/10/2011 03:36

I've had a call centre ring every day for the last week wanting to flog me crap, and by Thursday had had enough. When they rang (always at the same time) politely said no, and don't ring again, we won't ever be buying your stuff.

They rang again on Friday, asked to speak to my dh and then complained to him that I'd been rude!

Minus273 · 30/10/2011 04:22

I must apologise for laughing at that email address. It must have been very upsetting for you.

I once walked out of a car sales place because the salesman said 'now what colour will you be looking for?' When I replied that colour wasn't my main concern he said 'but you're a woman' I had hoped things would have improved but obviously not.

A few weeks ago BT technical support suggested I go and find a man as they were going to talk about cables and I wouldn't know what one was Angry.

I will confess there is the odd time at work where I have asked to speak to the patient's mother. This has been after giving the dad a chance and the answer to what is their date of birth, do they have any allergies, what's their medical history etc has been 'how should I know' or worse 'not my department' I guess the problem is with those individual fathers.

minicorrect · 30/10/2011 05:01

As gay40 indicated, being a gay mum really screws with people's heads - I lose track of the number of times I have to correct from DH to DW. And the look of shock that either of us could be capable of owning a house, car, computer, tv, etc!
I would also be very tempted to tell them where to go!

HauntedHengshanRoad · 30/10/2011 05:48

"I'm not married and I'm sick to death of everyone ticking the Mrs box as a default then getting a withering look when I ask them to change it to Miss - yes MISS none of that Ms crap!"

That "Ms crap" is the way women can escape identifying themselves in relation to the men in their lives. I would rather be Ms than have to specify whether I'm married or not.