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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset when my friend thinks my baby is being naughty and says so?

129 replies

lucymr · 29/10/2011 10:54

My baby is almost 10 months old and gets very excited when she sees other babies. I think it's lovely. What she does is this - crawls over to the other baby and slaps the ground in an excited seal type of way and makes excited little shreaks. The last couple of times we've seen this particular friend and her baby, my baby has slapped the other baby's legs when she's been flayling her arms around in excitement and only because she was so close to the other baby, not because she tried to hit her. My friend's baby didn't care and just smiled at my baby, but my friend has taken to moving her baby away and saying things like "we have to forgive the baby as she's younger than you and doesn't understand". Last time, she put her changing bag between the 2 babies to stop mine going near hers as if my baby was awful or something :-(
I fully understand that this is probably something I have to get used to - havign kids comes with all this sort of angst and will probably only get worse as she gets older, but my baby was being so lovely and excited to see her "friend" that it upset me that she was being labelled as naughty. I know I'm biased but my baby is surely too young to be naughty and I really like her enthusiasm for her baby friends.
Am I being over-sensitive and need to toughen up and get over it? It's my first baby so I'm new to all this.

OP posts:
QuietNinjaZombie · 29/10/2011 10:58

Your friend was being daft but you do need to toughen up. Other parents can be weird.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/10/2011 11:00

YANBU but neither is your friend for wanting to keep her baby out of the way of a baby that slaps. Whether you like the word 'naughty' or not, be conscious that what is playful and charming in your eyes might not be a view shared by other. My baby DS used to like giving other children big bear-hugs. It was also meant in a playful way but, because some of them really didn't like it, it had to stop.

beararse · 29/10/2011 11:01

Your friend is being a bit precious but it doesn't sound like she actually labelled your baby SD naughty. You do need to at least make it look like you intend to protect other children from your own if they get too exuberant - the fact that she's happy and you think it's cute won't make other parents any happier about their children being slapped.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 11:05

I agree with cogito

Flisspaps · 29/10/2011 11:05

YABOS. It is sweet when babies get excited, but not so sweet when your baby is the one on the receiving end of the excited arm flailing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/10/2011 11:06

Babies can still scratch though and they're a bit like uncontrolled missiles when they get exuberant. Your friend's baby 'laughed' when your baby 'smacked' her legs but what if she'd started crying? How would you feel then?

Make some new friends, maybe friends with similar values to your own - or at least the same tolerance levels, ones that you can talk with easily.

The word 'naughty' really doesn't mean anything, it's quite benign to me.

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 11:07

Yes I realise that and I do beararse - I am very conscious of this and often make a point of saying to my baby "no don't pull people's clothes" even though I know she won't understand. I often take her hand away and say things like this, to hopefully help her learn but often to show others that I am conscious of how she is with them. It's just that I don't get a chance to do this with this particular friend because she always gets in there first!
I know everyone is different and yes Quietninja, I need to toughen up. I like to think I'm pretty reasonable and I always let my baby get involved in the rough and tumble of babies crawling over each other, sticking rattles in each others eyes, because it's all normal and babies are just moving about, without intention, I never take offence at a baby who is a bit vigourous with mine, but I will bear your replies in mind.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 11:11

OP I know what you mean, when my ds was little another mother at playgroup snatched her very robust baby up when my ds went to say hello and actually said 'Please mind his fontanelle' Grin Her baby was a big bruiser and about 8 months old!

valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 11:11

It still makes me laugh 10 years on Grin

worraliberty · 29/10/2011 11:12

You're friend is being precious but as others have said, you do need to protect babies from other over excited babies...mainly imo because they tend to shove them backwards and they can end up hitting their heads or something.

However, there's no need for her to give the whole "we have to forgive the baby as she's younger than you and doesn't understand"...that's just OTT.

How old is her baby?

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 11:13

My baby is amost 10 months old - my friend's baby is 14 months Worra
Thanks Valium!

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 29/10/2011 11:15

Be very careful to "let" your baby get on with shovelling rattles etc into eyes. If babies are to grow up to young children, then teenagers, with concern for others, their guidance needs to start when they are young. At what point WILL you start teaching your baby respect for others? When you no longer find it cute (because it isnt, it is allowing bratish behaviour to develop), or when she is starting school? It is too late to teach a child who has never had to think about her impact on others, to be kind and considerate, when she is much older.

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 11:20

Oh Quintessential you misunderstand me (the problem with emails I suppose) I DO teach my baby respect for others and I did state that in my earlier post. I often take my baby's hand away when trying to pull my hair, or someone else's hair and I tell her NO a lot if she does something like this. I'm not silly and I do realise that what I think is cute, others might not.
All I meant about the rough and tumble is 2 or 3 babies together exploring - crawling over each other, exploring the world by touching each other's faces (I use the word gentle a lot and show what I mean by this) etc etc. I know everyone is different and this is only my opinion but I think babies should be allowed to crawl around on the floor together without being seperated all teh
time in case one accidentally pokes the other one in the face.
And I think it's quite harsh to suggest that I don't teach my baby respect for others - I think I said quite the opposite in my earlier posts :-(

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 29/10/2011 11:24

Well, you have reasoned it all out yourself, in that case. There is nothing wrong with your baby's behaviour, and how you parent her when she is with others. The problem is with your friend, and how she sees the situation. What are you planning to do about it?

ageless · 29/10/2011 11:24

it works both ways - i have 2 children and have been on both sides. My friends child crawled all over mine and mine didnt like it abit. I used to have to move her away all the time because it would stress her out and she wasnt able to do it herself. the mum thought it funny and sweet as her child was being playful and happy. It bothered me a bit although i never said anything about it because i know it is just the ways babies are. If she is a good friend of yours - understand that a mothers natural instinct is to protect her child from anything that may potentially hurt it - and flailing arms is one of them -i dont htink either of you are right or wrong but you both have to do what is right for your own child. Also when you mention to your child to stop or to be careful - they do understand the intent of your voice and your actions so it is worth doing early. Stay relaxed with it though as it happens to every mother and there will probably be something with every friend that you potentially disagree with when it comes to your kids.

Graciescotland · 29/10/2011 11:25

My baby would try to pat other babies, I always just moved him back a foot sat him down and handed him another toy. TBH I'd expect you to be a bit proactive about ensuring your baby didn't slap mines. It is a short lived phase though,give it a month and everything changes.

Maybe the whole "we have to forgive the baby as she's younger than you and doesn't understand" was directed at you.

screamingbohemian · 29/10/2011 11:29

Of course babies aren't being naughty when they slap and poke each other, but you sound maybe a bit too laidback about it -- they can really hurt each other, even if they don't mean it.

You say your baby has slapped hers on the leg the last couple of times you've seen her -- why wouldn't you keep her back a bit, after it happened the first time? It doesn't matter if the other baby wasn't hurt, you don't want your own child to think it's no big deal to hit other babies.

It does sound very cute and I don't think I would personally be bothered, but just because you think it's really cute doesn't mean your friend is wrong to not want her baby slapped.

screamingbohemian · 29/10/2011 11:33

sorry OP, x-post

I'm finding your posts a bit contradictory. On the one hand you say NO a lot and tell her to be gentle, on the other you seem okay with them sticking rattles in each other's eyes and you let your baby slap hers a couple times.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 29/10/2011 11:34

Maybe the whole "we have to forgive the baby as she's younger than you and doesn't understand" was directed at you.

I am pretty sure this was directed at the op.

When my firstborn was 3 months old, I went to visit my parents. I had breastfeed him in a chair, and he was snoozing in my arms. My mum made a tiny baby voice and said "mummy, mummy, I am so tired, hold my head for me please". People will always try to find non-confrontational ways of guiding others towards the correct behaviour, if they have any sense. I had not noticed how his head was flopping.

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 11:37

Screaming - I'm not being contradictory. I do tell her no and to be gentle. And I don't mean that I would literally let her stick a rattle in someone's eye whilst watching her do it! I have tried to explain it earlier but I'm clearly being misunderstood. I just mean that babies are babies, I do all I can to make sure mine is well-behaved and respectful and I really do but babies will stick their arms out at times and if someone else is in the way they might get an accidental slap. If so, I would tell my baby to be careful and to be gentle. But I'm not prepared to make mine sit at the other end of the room to the other baby to avoid any physical contact.

The second occasion, I was out the room, bringing a cup of tea in for me and my friend and caught the tail end.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 29/10/2011 11:41

'Naughty' doesn't apply to babies. It only applies if a child knows that what they are doing is wrong and they choose to do it anyway. That said, I wouldn't want my baby slapped either (even though it is entirely accidental) and would expect you to move your baby back a bit, out of arms reach.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 29/10/2011 11:42

When our son was 4, we went to see some friends of my husband. They had a 4 year old daughter. Their only child. She was given to punch my son. Then she would giggle exitedly. The mum just smiled and said "aaawwww how cute, she really likes him". Hmm It was not cute. Not the first time, not the fifth time.

Should I just sit there and let my son think it was ok for other children to hit him? No, I had to speak up. They were mortally offended (like you I suppose), but it has to be done.

OP, this will be YOUR daughter, unless you take action.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 29/10/2011 11:42

You really think we all misunderstand you?

perceptionreality · 29/10/2011 11:46

I think the bottom line here is that you should stop spending time with someone who makes you feel shit. I do not have people in my home who I don't feel at ease with.

I really hate this whole thing of meeting up with people from baby groups etc. I've always felt that I didn't 'get' many of them and I stick to my existing friends even though our children are different ages.

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 11:47

Quintessential, I am so confused by you! You first said I wasn't doing enough , then you said my parenting was fine, now you're saying my child will be punching others when she is 4! I would NEVER let my child punch another one.
I totally understand that when you post a question on here, you might get answers that you don't like and I have taken all comments on board, as I have said earlier. But I feel quite hurt by that. I'm new to mumsnet and thought it was a great place for support and advice but I think I might bid farewell now. I'm not throwing my toys out the pram as I'm sure people will suggest I am. I have explained several times how I try to teach my baby daughter right from wrong and I am a good parent so far. I would never let my child hit another child on purpose and would NEVER think it was cute. I am going so far as to try and teach my child that it's not ok to accidentally hit another child so why are you suggesting your example will be me? I am over sensitive perhaps but very new to parenting and without wishing to sound dramatic, I feel quite tearful now.

OP posts: