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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit upset when my friend thinks my baby is being naughty and says so?

129 replies

lucymr · 29/10/2011 10:54

My baby is almost 10 months old and gets very excited when she sees other babies. I think it's lovely. What she does is this - crawls over to the other baby and slaps the ground in an excited seal type of way and makes excited little shreaks. The last couple of times we've seen this particular friend and her baby, my baby has slapped the other baby's legs when she's been flayling her arms around in excitement and only because she was so close to the other baby, not because she tried to hit her. My friend's baby didn't care and just smiled at my baby, but my friend has taken to moving her baby away and saying things like "we have to forgive the baby as she's younger than you and doesn't understand". Last time, she put her changing bag between the 2 babies to stop mine going near hers as if my baby was awful or something :-(
I fully understand that this is probably something I have to get used to - havign kids comes with all this sort of angst and will probably only get worse as she gets older, but my baby was being so lovely and excited to see her "friend" that it upset me that she was being labelled as naughty. I know I'm biased but my baby is surely too young to be naughty and I really like her enthusiasm for her baby friends.
Am I being over-sensitive and need to toughen up and get over it? It's my first baby so I'm new to all this.

OP posts:

strangerintheday · 29/10/2011 13:25

well, this is rubbish. you can always start an open uni course in history or maths if you have "nothing to think about"

naturalbaby · 29/10/2011 13:25

how are babies supposed to learn how to interact with eachother if parents are always telling them off and moving them away? if you are watching them pretty much all the time (you can't watch them every second of every day!) and close enough to intervene then that's more than good enough. give your baby a chance, hold it's hand and get it to do something gentle like touch or stroke the other baby's hand. i've lost count of the amount of times i had to hold my kids hands when they were babies and tell them to be gentle, to stroke a baby's hair rather than grab it. it's what they do!

babies cannot be naughty.

there are a huge number of factors that affect every single scenario - not enough can be described or fully appreciated for anyone to pass judgement on an internet forum about what our parenting is like and what our kids are like.

i know plenty of mum's who had babies that did things 'better' than mine when they were under 12months but now they're all 3 he sleeps better, eats better, plays better, talks better........

QuietNinjaZombie · 29/10/2011 13:26

I'm still like that Lucy and ds is nearly 23 months! You're friend sounds a bit of a twat and you just want reassurance that you're doing well. You are so don't worry. Everyone has different viewpoints and it's very hard not to be sensitive when you are talking about your baby, you do need to toughen up cos everyone parents differently and some are more vocal than others about it ignores the fact that if anyone says anything about my pfb I want to kill them and then spend days questioning how well I parent

Original poster

lucymr · 29/10/2011 13:31

Naturalbaby, that's EXACTLY what I was trying to explain! I let my baby interact but within the boundaries you describe.
I'm going to take on board the really helpful comments here - I never said I had all the answers and was a perfect parent which is why I asked the question in the first place, I WANT advice. However, being told that my baby will be punching people when she is 4 was going way too far - that's not advice at all. And hearing baby's behaviour being described as violence has surprised me, but hey ho. I will try and be less sensitive and CONTINUE to bear in mind that other people have a different view to mine and hopefully my daughter will grow up fine.

OP posts:

microserf · 29/10/2011 13:32

God, lose the friend, she sounds a bit of a cow (from your later post, not your first). I loathe competitive parenting, as it is so... fucking... pointless.

Personally, I think she's being a bit precious, but I've run into quite a few mums like her. You really can't tell off a 10 month old so I don't see what you can do at this age. And FFS, it will not lead to your child punching other children at age 4!

YANBU, but next time I'd recommend posting these questions to parenting advice as AIBU can be quite full on. I know, i put my first post in AIBU, and got a kicking!

mumofthreekids · 29/10/2011 13:33

OP, this is a very sensitive topic, as you may have realised by now! Some babies tend to hit / bite etc and others just don't. IMO it's not always related to how the parent deals with it, as I've had both types among my DCs!

I do not think your daughter was being naughty as such, I agree that at 10 months it is too young to label her in that way, but I think you do have to be empathetic towards the other mum who has just seen her child being slapped. The other mum wants to make sure that you have observed what happened and take appropriate action to stop it happening again. Totally agree that the (admittedly rather irritating) comments were directed at you not your child.

I think there's nothing worse than seeing your baby hurt by another child, whether deliberately or not, when your child has never laid a finger on them.

naturalbaby · 29/10/2011 13:36

who is she to pass judgement on your child's behaviour anyway? unless she is a child psychologist, health visitor or other trained professional who works with babies then you can dismiss anything she passes judgement on without feeling guilty.

Misschief101 · 29/10/2011 13:44

lucymr you mate sounds like a complete nobber. I never get why some parents feel they need to be so smug or competitive about their kids. She could be going on about all that to make her feel better as she could well be lying. Take no notice and continue to do what you do. Don't feel offended if someone does take their child away. Mine is only 3 months and I took mine away from my friends 9m child who did smack her. I wouldn;t have branded him naughty he has no sense at that age. Madness at your friends behaviour.

Sandalwood · 29/10/2011 13:48

You do sound sensitive, You've used the 'naughty' word - not your friend.
I bet your friend reacted how she did at the time (which is just preventing her baby getting slapped) and hasn't given it much more thought.

Original poster

lucymr · 29/10/2011 13:50

Ha ha Mischief! Actually though, she isn't. She just has no filter at all in her head, she just says what she thinks at all times and never for one second wonders if she's offended someone. It's like she has no concept of what she says affecting others - thoughtless I suppose you'd call it. I actually think she would be really upset if she knew she'd offended me, but I'm not very good at confrontation and I never want to upset people so I often let things go without saying a word and then stew on them. My problem I guess.

OP posts:

shuffleballchange · 29/10/2011 13:57

Ha ha, some people are really strange when its comes to their babies/children, the best thing you can do is ignore it.

I agree with preception, stick to existing friends who you can relax with.

ageless · 29/10/2011 14:00

when you are with a friend although you have to be aware of them - sometimes its just nice to be yourself - and if you dont like her being herself then you dont have to be friends with her - if she really was a friend and you wanted it to stay that way - perhaps get the courage to mention it to her - i would much rather know - we do just chat when with a friend -and thats what makes having a friend so nice - please mention it to her if you think shes worth it. ps - feeling for you, its much easier when you have another one as you really dont worry so much about it, but i do understand - i was a complete wreck with my first worrying about everyhting. you sound very together and with complete reason to be concerned and asking questions. Sorry you feel like that about mn, i do too, have only been on for 1 week and am shocked by the severity of some comments. Take Care

Original poster

lucymr · 29/10/2011 14:10

Thanks Ageless -and I know what you mean - I have been a bit surprised by it.

OP posts:

Original poster

lucymr · 29/10/2011 14:12

Thanks Shuffleball - I guess when you start having children, your friendships can change and new problems you never expected can rear their head. Having friends full stop is about finding people you connect with, and spending time with friends with babies is no exception I suppose - find those you connect with.

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FruitChute · 29/10/2011 14:31

Your baby isn't being wilfully mean - just excited. That said I don't think babies are ever too young to start learning that slapping is not good and could hurt so if I was you I would be moving your baby out of reach if they are excitedly slapping another baby. Your friend is probably peed off that you're not doing this and she has to move her baby. If you are consistent with the message that you don't do any rough contact with humans or animals from when they're babies you will have an easier time with your toddler and hitting issues ime.

LadyMontdore · 29/10/2011 14:44

I don't think your baby is being 'naughty' but if was the other mum I would also have been anoyed, not with baby but with you for letting your child smack mine - you should have just moved your child and said 'no'. Even if your baby was happy to see mine I still wouldn't want her to smack it. At 10 months they understand masses and definately not to young to start teaching not to smack / poke.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 29/10/2011 15:02

I think your DD sounds lovely, it's really sweet when they recognise other children and get excited to see them.

Your 'friend' sounds like an overly precious twat. Your DD is 10 months, her child 14 months - your baby was flapping around excitedly and when she slapped/patted/contacted with the other baby, the other baby wasn't bothered at all - the Mum is just making a big fuss over absolutely nothing.

She sounds like someone who is best avoided (judging by you later posts).

ChippingInAutumnLover · 29/10/2011 15:04

LucyMr's baby didn't SMACK the older baby, she was excitedly flapping about and caught the older toddler - the toddler wasn't bothered. Why on earth would you be annoyed about that? Madness.

FruitChute · 29/10/2011 15:07

It doesn't sound like it was a one off though. Just because the baby didn't hurt the other child that time it doesn't mean they won't next time. And I would be peed off if I had to move my baby when they were being slapped - accidental/excited slaps can still hurt!

CreepyCaesar · 29/10/2011 15:31

lucymr a similar thing happened to me yesterday!!

I was at soft play with DS 3 and DD 10.5 months. DS was off in the big bit and me and DD in the baby bit.

My DD sound just like yours, she enjoys banging her hands on whatever surface is near, yesterday it was the big mats.

MrsAnnoyingMum was playing next to us with her DS who I would guess was about 8 months. DD crawled over and reached out and tapped her DS's hand, he was leaning on it on the mat. He did not cry out, in fact gave DD a bit of a gummy smile.

Before I had a chance to do anything (and I was going to move her back a bit and say oops sorry with a rueful smile to Mrs AM) she said in a horrified, loud voice, "Don't do that, we don't like hitting do we DS?""

WTF?? It was like my 3 yo had clouted her baby on the head!!

I said "Is there a problem" but she kind of laughed it off so had to make a swift exit before I was v rude.
I did see her her other child running over to her and crying hysterically that a little girl had punched him she was all "oo the nasty girl, how horrid etc.."

You are not alone!!!

ChippingInAutumnLover · 29/10/2011 16:09

Creepy - some people are unbearably precious aren't they.

FruiteChute - a 10 month old baby slapping the ground in excitement and catching your leg/arm does not hurt, not even another small child. There really is no need for all of this 'we don't do hitting do we tarquin' shite.

Original poster

lucymr · 29/10/2011 16:12

Thanks Creepy and Chipping :-)

OP posts:

smallwhitecat · 29/10/2011 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FruitChute · 29/10/2011 16:17

Absolute bollocks to say it will never hurt! You don't know the child.
I think some people maybe need to accept that not everyone will find their childs 'charming' slapping quite as charming as they do. Good luck when the child is older and you want to teach them that you have to be careful when you're excited not to hit anyone. Your child will likely be very confused that they are now getting reprimanded for their 'charming' behaviour.

Original poster

lucymr · 29/10/2011 16:21

FruitChute - you haven't read my earlier posts properly, if at all. I think I've got all the advice I need from here now (some very helpful) - so will probably just forget it. Again, I will say that I DO tell my child not to pull hair, slap etc and I DO reprimand her. Not going to say it again. Reading some of these comments, anyone would think I just don't care what she does and let her go around attacking babies. They've not got it from MY comments though - some people here just choose to read what they want and not listen.

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