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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset when my friend thinks my baby is being naughty and says so?

129 replies

lucymr · 29/10/2011 10:54

My baby is almost 10 months old and gets very excited when she sees other babies. I think it's lovely. What she does is this - crawls over to the other baby and slaps the ground in an excited seal type of way and makes excited little shreaks. The last couple of times we've seen this particular friend and her baby, my baby has slapped the other baby's legs when she's been flayling her arms around in excitement and only because she was so close to the other baby, not because she tried to hit her. My friend's baby didn't care and just smiled at my baby, but my friend has taken to moving her baby away and saying things like "we have to forgive the baby as she's younger than you and doesn't understand". Last time, she put her changing bag between the 2 babies to stop mine going near hers as if my baby was awful or something :-(
I fully understand that this is probably something I have to get used to - havign kids comes with all this sort of angst and will probably only get worse as she gets older, but my baby was being so lovely and excited to see her "friend" that it upset me that she was being labelled as naughty. I know I'm biased but my baby is surely too young to be naughty and I really like her enthusiasm for her baby friends.
Am I being over-sensitive and need to toughen up and get over it? It's my first baby so I'm new to all this.

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 16:25

Will you please think of the babies' fontanelles? Wink

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 16:26

Valium ;-)

OP posts:
CalmaLlamaDown · 29/10/2011 16:38

Lucy - if your friends

CalmaLlamaDown · 29/10/2011 16:42

Sorry, your friends baby would move away if she didn't want to be near your dd anyway so don't worry!

FruitChute · 29/10/2011 16:43

Do you move her away if she does it though so she can't continue? Because if you do I fail to see why your friend would have to move her baby or put a changing bag in the way?

FruitChute · 29/10/2011 16:48

Does that apply to older kids too? No point telling them not to hit other kids cos they can just move away Hmm
Why the hell should the child have to move away? They might be playing with something and not want to. The parent should be dealing with the child who is hitting. The baby wont know they could hurt someone but the parent does.
Some parents will come up with any excuse to leave their kids to it it seems.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2011 16:49

There is a huge difference between a 10 month old and a toddler who understands.

I think you might be the other mum in the OP fruit Wink

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 16:49

Said it before fruitchute - it's all in the earlier posts for you to read.
Thanks and goodbye - had enough!!

OP posts:
FruitChute · 29/10/2011 16:54

Nah I'm not the other mum - I wouldn't have said the bit about having to be understanding cos the child was only small Hmm. I would have just picked my child up or encouraged them to move and silently thought that the mum should have moved her child so she could charmingly slap something else.

stripeybumpinthenight · 29/10/2011 16:56

YANBU to be upset at your friend, not at all.

But... you can't be upset that she wants to protect her baby from yours - you might find it over the top, but as you know, mothers can be overprotective and it's her right to protect her baby from being hit.

If you're going to stick with MN, you need to take advice on the chin a little more - you seem a little bit as though you want everyone to post in agreement with you and with sympathy at your situation - you asked if you were unreasonable, you will get replies saying you were!

Imagine if your friend posted 'am I being unreasonable to move my baby away from my friend's baby who keeps hitting her accidentally?' most people would say she was being reasonable but perhaps overprotective.

Parenting isn't black and white and MN opinion will always reflect that - don't get super defensive. At least not on AIBU Wink

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 29/10/2011 17:02

There is absolutely no point in posting on a forum if you think
a) you have all the answers already
b) cant take comments on board
c) only expect people who will agree with you to post.

IF however, this is what you expect from a forum of mothers, then Netmums is a good fit. Wink

FruitChute · 29/10/2011 17:05

OK OP I have now read ALL your posts. You say that you say 'no' when your baby is unintentionally rough and sometimes move their hand away. I don't know any 10 month old that consistently responds to 'no' and if they are repeatedly lashing out despite you moving their hand away whether you like it or not you need to move your baby away from the other child. You can't expect other mothers to let their kids to sit there and be guinea pigs for you to try and teach your child to keep their hands to themselves. You need to do this to stop other kids from getting hurt and so that eventually your child will learn that if they want to have fun and interact they need to be gentle.
If you are ensuring that your baby isn't being rough with your friends child then she would have no need to move them or put things between them so you obviously aren't.

stripeybumpinthenight · 29/10/2011 17:08

Haha Quint I had to sit on my hands not to make that particular recommendation Grin

Perriwinkle · 29/10/2011 17:14

There is no harm in telling your baby "no, careful --- you mustn't be rough to your friends". Maybe your baby is not yet at an age where he/she will be able to understand this and comply with your request but it will sink in eventually at some stage and until it does, you will just have to move your baby away. I feel it's important for other people to hear you saying things like this too because it sends out the right message.

I fear that if you are the sort of parent who seems to be letting their child do just as they please all the time and come over all wounded when people react adversely to it you will not make yourself very popular and you will quickly earn the label "precious".

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 18:26

Look - I fully understand that there are different ways to handle situations and I am more than prepared to take some of this advice about different strategies, eg someone said I should tell her NO, someone else said this just makes it worse as it gives them attention, others said always move the baby away, others said I'm doing nothing wrong. Clearly no right and wrong answer but I will consider all this and decide which I think is appropriate in which situation.
My defensiveness has ONLY been twofold really - when Q said that my baby will be punching people in the face when she is 4 - totally outraegeous thing to say, and comment like Perri's above, where she says she fears I am the kind of parent who lets their child do as they please all the time. I have said time and time again that I reprimand my baby - how is this letting her do as she pleases? I said I would NEVER let her punch anyone. Therefpre there is absolutley NOTHING in any of my posts to suggest either of thse 2 things is true, in fact quite the opposite. It's no wonder that I've taken this badly.
In summary, I am not the perfect parent and I will examine the ways I do things with my baby, as I want to do things right, for her, for me and for all other babies that she meets. But somes of the posts on here just aren't helpful, they are actually pretty nasty and ill-informed towards someone who is a new mum, has struggled with it, has admitted low confidence and has asked for advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 19:12

Sorry, what I meant to add to my last post, was that I'm only learning - as are a lot of people on here probably, and even those who say they're not, should probably recognise that they are. Hopefully one day I'll feel a lot more confident about what I'm doing, but it's all a journey as they say on all the reality shows - but Perri has pretty much labelled me as a bad parent "one of those parents" and the "consequences" of my current parenting have been made very clear to me. A massive knock to confidence! Who knows the right things to do all the time? Anyone putting their hand up? And when your baby's only 10 months old? Anyone putting their hand up? I hope that what one of the helpful posters said earlier is true, that it gets easier with time and with your second, you don't worry so much.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 29/10/2011 19:16

lucy, I will be the first to admit that I dont have the answers.

I am frequently here on the Behaviour and Development boards, tearing my hair out about my 9 year old son.... Sad

I am sorry if you feel I am winding you up. That is not my intention. But, just move the baby out of reach of other children if she slaps them. "No" is a useful addition, not an action in itself with children that small. We are all just learning, but somethings we know more than other things. I know how to handle babies better than the willful disobedience of a 9 year old, for example.

I did not say that your dd will punch babies when she is four, for goodness sake, read between the lines and dont take everything literally. Do you think the 4 year old who kept punching my boy had been taught not to slap? Or, did she have a mum who found her behaviour cute? The latter was the truth. So, unless your dd is taught appropriate behaviour from an early age, she will not know that hitting is not right.

pointyfang · 29/10/2011 19:30

You think it's lovely, others find it annoying.

Just show a little consideration and help your baby keep her distance so she doesn't hit others in her excitement.

No one really likes flailing hands close to their body. Might be worth setting a few boundaries before the cuteness wears off.

desertgirl · 29/10/2011 19:46

just a thought; has the mother been having trouble with her own baby hitting? While I wouldn't have said anything that I thought could be overheard, if I've been working on a child stopping a particular behaviour and there is another child around doing that thing, I have used the 'he/she is only a baby, he/she doesn't know about [ ]' - generally not at 14 months, more when they are old enough to be pointing out other children's iniquities, but she could have a more advanced 14 month old than mine :)

basically easiest just to assume no actual offence meant, think next time about not letting DD get too near that particular baby, or only when you are there to redirect her hands, or if that is for whatever reason difficult, see if you can manage not to see them for a couple of months, which is forever in baby/toddler terms, all the issues will be different by then.

Rollon2012 · 29/10/2011 19:48

Oh deaer that woman is being precious, what is she going to do when toddlerdom comes and then the slapping begins.

I have been in the position when my baby slaps I did say no and move him, aslong as I do that the mothers can see I dont condone it.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 29/10/2011 20:02

Am baffled as to why you have been given such a hard time on here, LucyMR, am glad you've finally had some more sensible comments to redress some of the earlier, profoundly unhelpful comments. Your friend sounds like a passive-aggressive, excessively precious twit. And people comparing a bit of arm flailing to deliberate violence in an older child need to give themselves a good shake. Ridiculous. As for the patronising suggestion that you should go to Netmums - well, I can see why you might after this, but hope that you don't, it's crap Smile. Chin up, YANBU.

NinthWave · 29/10/2011 20:04

My 12 month old DS2 likes to pull himself up onto DS1 (4) and pull his hair/slap his face. Every Single Time he does it I have to pull him away, say "No!" and remind DS1 that he's only a baby and he'll learn to be gentle soon. It's extremely bloody tedious, but as much as DS2 would love to 'explore the world' by walloping, shrieking and grabbing, I can't let him. Not with other babies, not with older children, not with grownups.

FWIW I was just the same with DS1 as a baby and he's NEVER hit or slapped another child - and he's been in nursery 3 days a week since 8 months old.

BOOareHaunting · 29/10/2011 20:21

What is wrong with MN atm. We have MENSA standard 2yo's and naughty 10 month olds. Confused

lucy YANBU, she is a baby as you say. She actually sounds very socialable and that's a lovely thing. At that age my DS would just shove any child in his way out as he ran to whatever toy he wanted Grin He couldn't give a fuck who was in his way, had no interest in playing with them (they may take his toy Wink, but it wasn't naughty as there was no deliberate malice involved. I agree you need to toughen up a little - there will be time (over the next year) that your DD may bite, hit a child purposefully - again it may not be malicious but some parents can't see past that because it makes them feel better to make little johnny out to be a git.

BOOareHaunting · 29/10/2011 20:23

sorry should have added - best thing to say at this age is 'be gentle'. Its all about modelling desired behaviour. From about 1yo they can usually understand and ignore! 'NO'

Brynn · 29/10/2011 20:33

I think an accidental slap from an excited 10 month old baby is just that - an accident.

It's not at all the same as a deliberate strike. I'd do as you're already doing tbh. Tell the baby to be careful with her arms and try and keep her out of reach. If on the other hand, your baby looks like she's purposefully trying to take out the older friend with a right hook, then fair enough, perhaps it is time to let her know hitting is bad.

Your friend sounds like a competitive idiot. I expect her passive aggressive remark was just her taking the opportunity to point out how her darling is so much more gentle.