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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset when my friend thinks my baby is being naughty and says so?

129 replies

lucymr · 29/10/2011 10:54

My baby is almost 10 months old and gets very excited when she sees other babies. I think it's lovely. What she does is this - crawls over to the other baby and slaps the ground in an excited seal type of way and makes excited little shreaks. The last couple of times we've seen this particular friend and her baby, my baby has slapped the other baby's legs when she's been flayling her arms around in excitement and only because she was so close to the other baby, not because she tried to hit her. My friend's baby didn't care and just smiled at my baby, but my friend has taken to moving her baby away and saying things like "we have to forgive the baby as she's younger than you and doesn't understand". Last time, she put her changing bag between the 2 babies to stop mine going near hers as if my baby was awful or something :-(
I fully understand that this is probably something I have to get used to - havign kids comes with all this sort of angst and will probably only get worse as she gets older, but my baby was being so lovely and excited to see her "friend" that it upset me that she was being labelled as naughty. I know I'm biased but my baby is surely too young to be naughty and I really like her enthusiasm for her baby friends.
Am I being over-sensitive and need to toughen up and get over it? It's my first baby so I'm new to all this.

OP posts:
perceptionreality · 29/10/2011 11:50

Quintessential - I really don't agree that a 4 year old (nearly school age!) deliberately hitting is in any way comparable to an excited 10 month old. Babies under 1 have no idea what they are doing. And I take the view that any hitting type behaviour under about 2 and a half should be ignored and the child simply moved, otherwise you can end up reinforcing it.

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 29/10/2011 11:51

I did not say your parenting was fine, I summarized what it appeared to me that you yourself had concluded: there is nothing wrong with your parenting and your friend is the problem.

I find you very laid back, and dont at all agree with your sentiment that "babies are babies". You could as easily say "puppies are puppies" and sit down to watch them train themselves, rather than doing the training.

perceptionreality · 29/10/2011 11:58

You can't compare babies with puppies. Dogs are animals programmed to bite! I find that children follow the example of their parents. If you set a good example they will follow ime. I've never had to use the naughty step or punish and my children are acutely aware of how they should treat others.

Children are not going to get out of control because they jump on people at 10 months.

screamingbohemian · 29/10/2011 11:59

Lucy MN IS a great place for support and advice -- but AIBU is not Grin

It is probably the worst place to ask if you're being oversensitive because usually, if you have to ask, you are and in AIBU, people will tell you so.

None of us know you in real life. I'm sure you're a lovely mum. I personally think you sounded a bit laidback about baby-on-baby violence Grin and perhaps your friend feels the same way.

I think it's a tough line to walk, being confident in your own parenting whilst taking other people's preferences into account. If a particular person makes this really difficult for you, then don't hang out with them. But it will be a rough ride through childhood if you stay very oversensitive, you can't hide from other people altogether.

screamingbohemian · 29/10/2011 12:02

'I take the view that any hitting type behaviour under about 2 and a half should be ignored and the child simply moved, otherwise you can end up reinforcing it.'

How is saying NO and modeling gentleness reinforcing it? Confused

DS was pulling hair a lot at 12 months, we got him to stop fairly easily. I can't imagine just ignoring that for another year!

Gigondas · 29/10/2011 12:03

Lucy Aibu can be quite direct so it's maybe not best place on Mn to post if you are sensitive on response (try behaviour and development).

However whilst I think your dd not naughty and behaving in a way that is natural to her and well meaning , it isn't too early to start teaching her about reacting to other people. Some kids (or in this case parents) are sensitive to being poked, touched etc and what can start out as gentle can end up getting quite rough later (dd can be ott with how she pats me). So whilst I can see how you felt a bit hurt I do think yabu to be upset with your friend- her comment and gesture seem quite mild if she was worried re her dc (ESP if however playfully her dd had been smacked before)

perceptionreality · 29/10/2011 12:07

sb - I suppose it depends on the child. I have a 2 year who went through a phase of pinching me earlier this year. When I said 'no' to her she laughed and did it more. Because she figured out it got a response from me and therefore attention. So I ignored it and she hasn't done it since or any other antisocial behaviours. I think that for an older child I would have put some kind of consequence in place as the function of the behaviour would be different.

lettinggo · 29/10/2011 12:12

I see where you're coming from, and I agree that no baby is naughty ever at 10 months, but your friend's comment suggests that you didn't say anything to your daughter in this instance and she felt that your daughter's hitting her child was going unchecked.

I remember being visited by a friend whose son was 13 months at the time. My ds was just born. She thought it was cute that he was so interested in my ds and was poking him in the face etc. I, funnily enough, didn't think it was one bit cute. She also thought it was funny when he picked up the tv remote control and bashed it on the pine coffee table, denting the table in many places. Eventually I took the remote control from him and she laughed and said "You'll learn to relax when it's ds's turn to bash the table".

People have different tolerences and different expectations of children's behaviour. Your friend doesn't think it's cute that your dd slaps when she's excited, so don't let her when you're together.

GalloweesG · 29/10/2011 12:17

Let me know when you manage to sort it out because my dog is like that with other dogs.

BertieBotts · 29/10/2011 12:17

Hmm. I do tell DS that younger children, when they are pulling up on his clothes or generally exploring him or being excited around him that they are little and don't understand. But that's more because he is 3 and he really doesn't like it when babies do this. So I'm trying to explain to him that they don't mean any harm and they are trying to be friendly.

When DS did it when he was younger I'd tell him "Careful..." because I know it's not their intention to be naughty/hurt someone else, but they do have to learn that it's not usually a good idea to go gallumphing over people if you don't explicitly know they are okay with that.

perceptionreality · 29/10/2011 12:17

Letting your child trash another person's house is totally not on, I would never allow anything like that!

Misschief101 · 29/10/2011 12:25

YABU. Your friend is correct in moving her younger baby away. As excited as your baby gets he/she is older and while they want to come close and they do not mean to harm any baby but they can.

I had my friend who baby is 6 months older than mine come near my baby for the first time and he was lovely kissing her on her head until he then smacked her on her head to which she started crying. Which is what babies do. They don't understand what they're doing. No one wants their baby getting tapped/smacked by someone elses so to avoid seeing your child being hurt as you cannot say anything to the other child parent you move them away.

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 12:27

Misschief - mine is the younger baby, not the other way around. Not that it makes any difference, just saying.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 29/10/2011 12:33

If a friend of mine said "we have to forgive the baby etc" to me, I would have to reconsider the friendship. Passive-aggressive or what? Just move your baby away from the flailing arms, for Christ's sake.

YANBU and your friend is a twat.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 29/10/2011 12:36

The idea around reinforcing it is that you are giving it attention if you say 'no' etc.

As most babies spend their entire lives trying to get attention, any attention, it si presumed that they will continue with the behaviour to get you to say 'no' again.

I dont think its that simple. I will say 'no' to a young child but in an even tone of voice and move/distract the baby.

Sometimes you just move them without saying anything.

Some stuff you cant ignore - spitting, throwing, hitting etc. You have to do something, you just have to be really careful how you do it.

Not that helpful I know Grin

But all children are different and all circumstances are. No one answer really.

Miette · 29/10/2011 12:43

Of course your baby isn't being naughty. As long as you are trying to prevent your baby hitting the other baby (by accident) then YANBU. I remember when my dd was just turned one and she went through a brief stage of lightly hitting other babies. I did all I could to prevent it and it soon passed. One of the other mums in the postnatal group made a big thing about it though and then sure enough her own baby went through the same stage. They all go through it and as long as you getting hit then it is fine.

Misschief101 · 29/10/2011 12:43

lucymr oh wow sorry I didn't realise but either ways don't be upset with her comments she's just being a protective parent like most of us are. No babies are nasty. They just don't understand so your friend is a bit of a dick for suggesting another baby is being nasty

Miette · 29/10/2011 12:47

Should have said "They all go through it and as long as you do all you can to prevent it/stop it then that is all you can do."

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 12:53

Thank you. Some helpful comments. I guess one of the reasons I felt bad about it is that my friend has a habit of making me feel bad - she talks all the time about how she lost all her baby weight straight away, how her baby slept through after 3 months, fed like a dream, eats everything put in front of her, walked at 10 months, never cries and is clever. I think she just brings out all my insecurities and makes me feel bad. Like some people on this thread have done :-(

OP posts:
pickledparsnip · 29/10/2011 12:54

OP I think you're getting a bit of a hard time. YANBU, your 'friend' sounds like a bit of a precious twit. 10 month olds cannot be naughty.

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 12:55

Thanks pickled

OP posts:
clare458 · 29/10/2011 13:03

Chin up lucymr! Grin Your dd is not naughty and I can see both sides.
The comment your friend made was directed at you not your dd, she's probably just concerned her child could get hurt.
You should make a point of moving your dd away so it's safe for her to fling her arms about without hurting anyone.
Also if this friend makes you feel bad and brings out all your insecurities then she isn't really a friend. I think most of us know people like this, I certainly do.

HarlotOTara · 29/10/2011 13:06

lucy, ignore the competitive parenting, it is bollocks and is used to make your friend feel better at your expense. I think we have probably all suffered from it and some of us have probably been guilty of it. She sounds a nut and your baby sounds delightful - nothing nicer than a happy excited baby and ten month olds can not be naughty.

Original poster
lucymr · 29/10/2011 13:08

Thanks Clare and Harlot. One of the problems with being on mat leave is having nothing to think about apart from the baby. I run these things over and over in my head - I never used to be like that!

OP posts:
HarlotOTara · 29/10/2011 13:18

Advice from someone with a very stroppy 14 year old - enjoy her and really don't worry. There is always something to fret about if we let it and 99% of the time it is just a phase although some last longer than other ( as I stare sternly at the slammed bedroom door of my 14 yr old dd).