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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset when my friend thinks my baby is being naughty and says so?

129 replies

lucymr · 29/10/2011 10:54

My baby is almost 10 months old and gets very excited when she sees other babies. I think it's lovely. What she does is this - crawls over to the other baby and slaps the ground in an excited seal type of way and makes excited little shreaks. The last couple of times we've seen this particular friend and her baby, my baby has slapped the other baby's legs when she's been flayling her arms around in excitement and only because she was so close to the other baby, not because she tried to hit her. My friend's baby didn't care and just smiled at my baby, but my friend has taken to moving her baby away and saying things like "we have to forgive the baby as she's younger than you and doesn't understand". Last time, she put her changing bag between the 2 babies to stop mine going near hers as if my baby was awful or something :-(
I fully understand that this is probably something I have to get used to - havign kids comes with all this sort of angst and will probably only get worse as she gets older, but my baby was being so lovely and excited to see her "friend" that it upset me that she was being labelled as naughty. I know I'm biased but my baby is surely too young to be naughty and I really like her enthusiasm for her baby friends.
Am I being over-sensitive and need to toughen up and get over it? It's my first baby so I'm new to all this.

OP posts:
Stay123 · 29/10/2011 20:36

Some people are very overprotective of their babies and are hypersensitive to any contact with other babies/people. You baby sounds very funny and cute and is certainly not being naughty. Your friends baby is quite a few months older than yours so I am surprised it is not reciprocating in some way. Some babies sit there and do nothing and it sounds as if her baby is one of those. Your friend doesn't sound like much fun so steer clear.

Laquitar · 29/10/2011 21:09

Poor OP. I will not be surprised if people start mentioning the riots now. And prisons. And drug addicts. Murderers and psychopaths.
Try not to get upset, sometimes here some posts are over the top.

Imo your 'friend''s comment was silly passive agressive and your dd sounds like a lovely 10 mth old.

screamingbohemian · 29/10/2011 21:10

OP I do understand that you do tell your DD no and be gentle and all that. So I am not at all saying you aren't doing enough.

But it sounds like in this particular case you are not doing anything at all. By your own words, your DD has excitedly slapped the other baby a few times and you have not done anything because you think it's funny and cute. Okay one time you were getting tea but what about the other times?

It doesn't matter if in other situations you are telling her no, if you are standing by and going awwww while your friend's baby is getting slapped even accidentally, even cutely then it's not that strange for your friend to say something about it.

Like I said, I would personally not be too bothered but I don't think it's too strange if other people are.

FruitChute · 29/10/2011 21:17

If your child is striking another child - on purpose or by accident - and you can't stop them you have a responsibility to move your child away. Your 10 month old doesn't know she might hurt someone but you do. I hadn't previously thought that was up for debate until I read this thread! Nothing to do with parenting style imo - just the decent thing to do.
And 10 month olds CAN hurt. DS hurt me a few times at that age being playful.

spiderpig8 · 29/10/2011 21:35

You are not wrong, your baby is not naughty and she is being a little over protective.
However the other mother is clearly upset by your baby doing this so maybe out of respect for this you can 'restrain' your baby's arms.Ridiculous i know, but it is really better not to fall out over babies!!

Perriwinkle · 29/10/2011 21:38

lucymr please re-read my post.

In it I said "if you are the sort of parent who seems to be letting their child do just as they please all the time and come over all wounded when people react adversely to it you will not make yourself very popular and you will quickly earn the label "precious"."

If was the operative word there.

I didn't say you were a parent like this already and I certainly wasn't predicting doom and gloom and that your child will turn out to be some sort of delinquent and that'll you'll in the running for worst parent of the year.

I simply offered you some advice in the first paragraph of my post but you didn't bother to read it properly and instead started bashing out a defensive reply.

You need to take a deep breath and stop over-reacting and get a sense of perspective on this whole situation.

At the risk of sounding patronising, if your baby is only 10 months old and you are going off on one over something like this you're seriously going to have to chill out/lighten up a bit or else you'll be having a breakdown by the time he/she starts school.

Sevenfoldedbloodybodies · 29/10/2011 21:41

yanbu
how the hell can a 10 month old be "naughty"

FruitChute · 29/10/2011 21:46

I think it needs to be pointed out that the friend hasn't called the op's baby naughty. She just doesn't want her child hit and the op isn't preventing it so she has to.

Perriwinkle · 29/10/2011 21:47

I agree, "naughty" is not the word I'd use to describe this behaviour at all but a parent can still say to the baby in that sort of way you talk to babies "no so and so don't do that, we must be gentle to our friends" or something similar.

All I'm saying is that you're saying that as much for the benefit of other people around you as you are trying to instill appropriate behaviour into the baby (not that the baby will particularly take it on board at that age).

In my view you don't need to be "experienced" in parenting to realise that's just the right thing to do, or do you...?

mathanxiety · 29/10/2011 21:52

There's no point teaching your baby right from wrong at 10 months. Children don'[t have the slightest inkling if what these terms mean until they are a few years old. Nor can a baby that age be 'naughty', as Karma pointed out. Your baby has neither the language/comprehension ability to be naughty nor the capacity to understand the big picture of right and wrong.

Up to about 3 you just physically remove the baby from any place where she can do damage, say No and give an explanation such as 'We don't poke others in the eye. It hurts', and hope that others have the sense to do that too with their children.

Your friend is being silly. YANBU.

I hated baby/toddler groups. mostly because there was usually some little horror whose parent smiled indulgently while s/he ran riot, but your baby is not that child.

frumpet · 29/10/2011 21:56

I wouldnt worry too much , with her baby being older it will probably be first to bite ,just get your lovely understanding comment ready in advance Grin

Hannah31 · 29/10/2011 22:10

Lucymr, you sound like a totally reasonable and thoughful Mum and your friend sounds like an arse. I have a 3 yr old and a 15 month old. Spent the first year with DD1 crapping myself about what everybody else was thinking and whether I was doing the right thing. Then with DD2 all of a sudden couldn't give a crap about anyone else as I figured that DD1 was generally doing all the right things and so I must be doing ok. (get me and my big shiny halo). You are obviously thinking things through carefully and making sure you're happy with how you parent (shudder at using 'parent' as a verb), so raah raah you! Well done! Noone ever says that to you as a parent, and they should! Well done all of us! Yeay!

TheHandThatRocksTheCradle · 29/10/2011 22:32

A 10 month old can't be naughty but they can do a lot of damage accidentally, you should be moving/distracting your DD so she isn't able to catch other children with over enthusiastic waving. Little babies have sharp nails and they can cause nasty scratches even though there's no ill intention.

Your friend does sound like she's trying to draw your attention to the situation but has chosen a crap, passive-aggressive way to do it instead of just asking you to move your DD.

If she's that unpleasant, ditch her. Life is too short to have friends who make you feel worse every time you see them.

SarahBumBarer · 29/10/2011 22:37

Thank God I got a sensible ante-natal group who have turned into a sensible group of new mums who understand that our babies sometimes catch each other unawares etc and don't panic over it!

Lucymr bring your baby to play with us Grin

Whatmeworry · 29/10/2011 22:58

In 5 years time your friend will be one of those irritating "WE don't do that, do we Lucinda" people - but you will meet many morse so you will need to toughen up :)

Tierdmummy · 29/10/2011 23:12

You should of moved them away yourself.
Why would you let anyone hit??
Not being naughty no but still needs to be told and prevent any harm by moving child away . Easy peasy! :)

NigellaTufnel · 29/10/2011 23:46

Your friend is being a bit if a passive aggressive knob.

However, how would you feel if the shoe was

NigellaTufnel · 29/10/2011 23:51

Your friend is being a bit if a passive aggressive knob.

However, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Say Your friend's baby kept on getting excited and slapping your pub. You would be pretty pissed off.

Just move your baby, toughen up, realise that no one thinks you baby is as special as you do and they certainly don't find her behaviour cute.

Moominsarescary · 30/10/2011 00:06

Ffs a 10 month old baby is excited to see another baby and whilst flapping it's arms around catches the other baby's leg

Bring your baby to play with mine, it wouldn't bother me one bit

A1980 · 30/10/2011 00:29

My baby is almost 10 months old and gets very excited when she sees other babies. I think it's lovely. What she does is this - crawls over to the other baby and slaps the ground in an excited seal type of way and makes excited little shreaks.

That sounds so cute!

Good Jesus, your freind sounds like the precious neurotic mother from hell!! What a twit.

PessimisticMissPiggy · 30/10/2011 00:46

When my friend's DS was 10mo he greated my DD5mo with an almighty wollop around the face. She kind of looked at him as into say 'is that all you've got pal?'

My friend was horrified, I just laughed. When they are old enough to understand you can teach them not to hit but he was just exploring.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 30/10/2011 01:04

Amazing how you get both ends of the spectrum on one thread isn't it Grin

ASBO v cute/normal/harmless

Lucy - stick around, it's mostly fun, if you ignore the frothing beserkers & sanctimonious prats - you'd hate netmums, it's full of huns & tickers Grin

Swankyswishing · 30/10/2011 07:27

If I were you OP I would have told your baby a firm "no" and moved her away. One of the first things you said was "I think it's lovely", but you do need to bear in mind that not everyone feels the same way about your child as you do.

Years ago when my eldest DD was a baby I used to go to a baby group. There was a woman there with a child that used to crawl over the other babies, snatch from them, push them, hit them, etc. The mum never reprimanded her baby and seemed to think it was lovely that she was like that, and that we should all love how advanced and pushy her baby was too. We all got fed up with her TBH. She should have told her baby "no" from time to time and been more mindful of the other children. Maybe that is how you come across with your daughter and your friend has had enough of it so felt forced to say something.

Perriwinkle · 30/10/2011 13:15

The OP's story is a tale of two mothers who both adore their respective babies and think they're the cutest, dearest little bundles in the world. Neither want anything bad to happen to their babies, or to think that anyone is being mean to or about them.

All quite normal.

Both mothers will have to realise that shit will happen throughout their parenting careers. Something like this will hopefully help to knock the corners off but both mothers need to lighten up and chill out a bit for far worse is to come without a doubt.

Sandalwood · 30/10/2011 13:26

I don't know, I thought that other mother was being as nice as she could be about it.
It's just that (as we can see) Lucy is very sensitive.