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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be brought to tears (almost) by Educating Essex?

122 replies

Acchhhoooo · 27/10/2011 22:15

That poor girl Mollie. So affected by her fractured family setup (mother with stepdad and 2 'new' DCs + 2 DCs from stepdad's previous relationship/father with new woman and 2 new DCs then herself and her 2 siblings).

She was saying that she does not know where she fits in. That setup would complicate me as an adult let alone a teenager in the middle of it.

FFS I wish people would think before ending/replacing relationships and perhaps put their DCs first instead of themselves!

OP posts:
Original poster
Acchhhoooo · 27/10/2011 22:16

At the end of the day all DCs want is a mother and a father. Not stepmothers, stepfathers, stepbrothers, half sisters. Blended families my arse.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/10/2011 22:20

So people should stay in unhappy relationships? Ye that's going to do the children a lot of good isn't it!

The important thing is how the parents deal with the situation making sure the children always feel like they belong.

grumpypants · 27/10/2011 22:24

Yeah, should have stayed with abusive ex dh instead of landing poor dd with a lovely stepdad and brothers, plus adoring extended family. If only I'd watched a highly edited tv show before making that choice.

spiderpig8 · 27/10/2011 22:25

I think it's bound to screw children up when there is a procession of step parents and step/half siblings come into and out of their lives.
Much better to put your children first and not start any new relationships until they have grown up.

grumpypants · 27/10/2011 22:29

Bit of a sweeping statement there. So, one shot at marriage and kids and then if you are miserable, stick with it or be a single parent for eighteen years. Fantastic idea.

Kayano · 27/10/2011 22:30

What a bloody joke this thread will become. So if you DARE to move on after a failed or possibly abusive relationship you haven't thought of your DCs?

I hope the step parenting peeps come on here and tear you a new one.

footballsgalore · 27/10/2011 22:33

The bit that nearly brought me to tears was the attention and perseverance of the lovely Mr Drew to be a stable and truthful influence in her life. She had someone to talk to (and rant at!) anytime no matter what the rest of her life threw up.

pointydog · 27/10/2011 22:33

Out and out aggression. Nice way to state your point of view.

Lifeissweet · 27/10/2011 22:37

Families are different. Parents are different. A blended family can be more stable than an unhappy, abusive nuclear family.

It's a generalisation and it's wrong.

If the children always come first in any family then all else is unimportant.

spiderpig8 · 27/10/2011 22:41

You only have to read some of the threads in AIBU to see that many of the step parents on here don't like their step children.If Dh and I were to split I wouldn't inflict a 'blended' family on my DC.

Cathycomehome · 27/10/2011 22:58

I wouldn't inflict a 'blended' family on my DC.

Is that for real, spiderpig8?? SOME step families don't work, like some traditional nuclear families. You SERIOUSLY think that if a marriage breaks down (like about - what is it now? One in 3?), the parents must remain alone forever?

grumpypants · 27/10/2011 23:05

I'm so surprised at the idiotic views expressed that I can't think of amything else to say.

Kayano · 27/10/2011 23:06

Spiderpig - some parents don't like their DC, or f them up with their mind games and crazy stoppage of access. There is a lot worse things than a blended family and your attitude is terrible

DooinMeCleanin · 27/10/2011 23:07
Hmm
maypole1 · 27/10/2011 23:15

I am always amazed when people take up with new partners and proceed to get married and have more children when their original children cannot stand the new partner and the partner has little or no feeling for the long standing children

Seen it a million times on step parent thread nm mum states how she can't stand the step children and quanta helping plotting how to Barr then from the family home at Christmas or a family holiday but is planning to marry and have a child with the chides father

Personally with my oh I made it quite clear first comes love then comes marriage if he didn't love my dd we wouldn't be married end of

Cathycomehome · 27/10/2011 23:15

I wonder if spiderpig8 is my neighbour's adult daughter. Her father left her mother for another woman after 20 years ish of marriage, when her younger brother was a baby. He is now 9. My neighbour's daughter is Shock and Sad that her mother has had the audacity to start dating again. And has said she will not meet "That Man" ever. Confused

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 27/10/2011 23:17

It sounds like her parents dealt with the whole situation very badly (for whatever reason we cant really know the facts from the tiny bit of information on the programme!). I think that many children who are in step families do end up feeling as she does, i know i did when my father remarried after my mothers death however i also dont think that staying together is the right thing to do either if your are in a bad relationship - sometimes you just cant win.

maypole1 · 27/10/2011 23:19

Its not about moving on its about how you do it

Just cant believe how many women can openly admit they hate their step children and still hold their head high

Or admit that their oh dislikes their child

I have a friend who had to make a will for the custody of her four kids because there step dad stated he would only take on he youngest in the event of her death

She still went ahead married him and in my view you can clearly tell he's their step dad by the way he treats the older 3

Cathycomehome · 27/10/2011 23:23

But that's different,maypole, clearly that's very wrong and you should never marry/cohabit/have a serious relationship with someone who can't love the whole package. spiderpig8 said she would never inflict a blended family on her children, at all, ever. Which is odd.

Kayano · 27/10/2011 23:29

What about all the supportive and awesome step parents

Kayano · 27/10/2011 23:32

STUPID PHONE

Who post on step parenting, who are anxious
To make things better for their DP and DSC?
Seems to me some posters pick and choose from the step parenting section what they want to see and neglect all other examples

It's pathetic the treatment some step parents get on AIBU based on a biased and cherry picked post...

Lifeissweet · 28/10/2011 12:34

Well some parents are not the best at putting their children first. That is true whether they stay together or not. It is that that damages children.

The parents who damage the children are the ones who can't be adults and be civil for the children's sake; or who use them as weapons; or who put new partners before their children's security; or who take on a step-child without considering their needs before their own.

Similarly, parents who stay together may damage their children by putting drugs and alcohol before their children; or bullying and mistreating them; or putting their own needs first; or staying with an abusive partner at the expense of their children's safety.

It is an inability to put children first that is the root of this problem - not at all leaving relationships and beginning new ones.

Glitterkitten · 28/10/2011 12:41

To those saying you wouldn't "inflict" a blended family on your DC,you do realise that if there was a split and your DH went on to have other children you wouldn't have much of a choice? Those children would be your DC half siblings.

Some of the views posted here are intensely ignorant and insulting to those who are a step parent/ have "blended" families.

the way i see it is blended family or not, if that family set up is a source of love and affection for the DC involved then fabulous. everyone's a winner.

If a blended or otherwise family is characterised by unpleasantness/violence or otherwise, that's not acceptable.

essentially a blended family full of love and mutual respect is infinitely better than a nuclear family full of misery. you don't get the moral high ground for being on your first marriage ffs!

but to judge a blended family as something lesser than a nuclear family, or something you wouldn't "inflict" on your children is shocking.

callmemrs · 28/10/2011 12:56

Yes of course its a generalisation, and some step families are fantastic and some nuclear families ar dysfunctional.

BUT having said that, there does seem to be more of a culture nowadays of wanting to get what we want NOW, with an emphasis on self rather than seeing the bigger picture. There have been scary threads on MN from people who dislike their step children yet persist in the relationship.
My SIL is a teacher and says that there is a far greater prevalence of children like Mollie, who feel displaced and unable to cope, among fractured families than among stable ones. Hardly surprising really. She also says a big proportion of the teenage boys she deals with who have behaviour problems and exclusions are from broken families, often with no stable father figure.

So although generalisations need to be considered with caution, there IS a point here. Of course no child will benefit from being raised in an abusive unhappy relationship. But neither do many children want to be pushed into a new set up with a step parent they may not love or even like, and with possibly new much younger siblings coming along as the latest novelty.

I am sure some people wont want to hear that. But I'm looking at it from how the children feel, not what the parents might want to hear

HoorahHenrietta · 28/10/2011 13:32

I wouldn't worry too much. She'll probably start her own dysfunctional family within the next year.