Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be brought to tears (almost) by Educating Essex?

122 replies

Acchhhoooo · 27/10/2011 22:15

That poor girl Mollie. So affected by her fractured family setup (mother with stepdad and 2 'new' DCs + 2 DCs from stepdad's previous relationship/father with new woman and 2 new DCs then herself and her 2 siblings).

She was saying that she does not know where she fits in. That setup would complicate me as an adult let alone a teenager in the middle of it.

FFS I wish people would think before ending/replacing relationships and perhaps put their DCs first instead of themselves!

OP posts:
redglow · 28/10/2011 13:42

In an ideal world families would not split up, but its life it happens and we have to deal with it. Some people on here want to step back and look at what type of people they are.

1stTimeDad · 28/10/2011 13:44

Wow, some people really are as thick as two short planks.

To everyone who thinks blended families are the root of all evil, might i suggest you've watched one too many Disney movies, or possibly read the Daily Mail a bit too much, not all step parents are evil, nor are the natural parents for wanting to find love after a failed relationship.

To everyone who thinks all step parents actually hate their partners children, yes a few will, however not all will. Just as not all natural parents are great either.
It is not easy to step in to a relationship where there is a child, but it can be so rewarding, ok you will never replace their parent but you can be their friend and they can be yours.

It's easier judge a step parent, as a lot of you have, than be one, to open to your heart to another person?s child, to love them like your own and know it will never truly be reciprocated, the way the child loves there mum or dad, but to it anyway takes a stronger person than most. It also takes a person who is open minded, which from the above post I now see is very few of you. I doubt many boys or girls grow up wanting to be a step mum or step dad, but life means when the time comes and that person finds love they choose to take on that role.

To all those that talk about inflicting half brothers a sisters on existing children, I might suggest you go have a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, you've managed to make a child sound like a sub human animal, like a condition to be endured. Just because one of the parents already has child or children, does not mean they are so special no other child can be conceived.

Finally to all the Muppets that are unkind about blended families I certainly hope your are not celebrating Christmas, I'm not overly fussed about religion but I'm pretty sure Joseph wasn?t Jesus? dad, and considering Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth (into a blended family) which you don't agree with, isn't it a bit hypocritical to celebrate it?

Moulesfrites · 28/10/2011 13:46

There will be plenty of children from fractured or unhappy family set ups who will just get on and work at school and not wreak havoc in the way she did. Credit to mr drew for having the patience to deal with her!

harassedandherbug · 28/10/2011 13:51

Hey guess what?? Not all of us Disney/Daily Mail "evil" step parents hate our step children........ far from it! But hey, another chance to bash the steps, seems to be happening a lot lately on here.

Op - yup I was really inconsiderate and selfish to break up my physically and mentally abusive marriage to ds's father. I was proably and even shitter mother to bring my wonderful dh into their lives, who has done more for them in the six years we've been together their own father (who won't speak to either of them!) did in their whole lives. They're 22 & 20, so he's had a long time to step up to the mark.

And I'm sure they positively resent their adored half sister and step sister (not that such terms are allowed in our house, everyone's a brother or sister), and are dreading a new baby brother being born at Christmas....

"Blended" families are pretty much like any other family in my experience, some are great and some are shit.

pommedechocolat · 28/10/2011 13:54

Plenty of children in non blended families have to deal with a whole load of crap too.

It's not blended vs noon blended it is good parenting vs bad parenting.

YABU for blaming it on blended families OP

YANBU for feeling compassion for Mollie.

redglow · 28/10/2011 14:01

I felt sorry for molly but dont you think she was just a typical teenager, my daughter used to say she did not belong but she does not come from a blended family. I blame hormones.

perplexedpirate · 28/10/2011 14:02

Funnily enough, my DStepdad has just left my house (well, the house he owns and lets me live in, for nothing!!) having bought me a beautiful necklace from his business trip.

I can totally see why DC wouldn't want that inflicted upon them. Much better if my Mum had stayed in an abusive relationship and we all stay miserable for ever. [hhmm]

rycooler · 28/10/2011 14:02

There are good and bad families in all set-ups - however, I know if I split with dh I'd stay single and keep my dc's lives as peaceful as possible.

pommedechocolat · 28/10/2011 14:03

rycooler - You can't KNOW that. Sorry.

spiderpig8 · 28/10/2011 14:10

pommedechocolat *'rycooler - You can't KNOW that. Sorry.'

why not? why can't she know her own mind ?

'There are good and bad families in all set-ups '
True.But statistically there is heaps of evidence to say children in nuclear families are happier, have better health, better behaviour and do better at school.

WinterLover · 28/10/2011 14:11

Spiderpig There is only ever a handful of AIBU and to be honest that is definately not the place to put questions.

My DSD loves having two homes, two families and lots of extended families. My family has taken her on as if she was my child, I treat her no different to how I treat my DS (her half brother). I have always made a point of this being her home too, so much so she doesnt want to leave.

However I can see if BF and GF are introduced as 'step parents' then yes it can be confusing for children, BUT, if it is a long term relationship then in fact it can be better for the child to be loved by lots than for them to be in a house where the mum and dad hate each other.

rycooler · 28/10/2011 14:13

I do know that - I'd like to meet a new partner ( maybe? I don't even know if I'd bother tbh ) but I certainly wouldn't live with him or get involved with his kids ( if he had any ) My time would be taken up ensuring my own kids were happy. I'd just fill my life with good friends.

fuzzynavel · 28/10/2011 14:13

I also watch the programme you refer to OP. I totally get where you're coming from and have shed a tear or two.

I have/am doing things the rycooler way. I do have a long term boyfriend and we have agreed to remain separately until our children are off our hands.

Not sure I would ever "love" another partners children to be honest and wouldn't expect someone to love mine either.

But there again I'm nearly 50 and had my DS at 35.

pommedechocolat · 28/10/2011 14:14

Because in a hypothetical situation she cannot know all the variables that she will encounter.

She can aim for not meeting anyone else but it may happen.

The statistics also cannot take into consideration variables.

redglow · 28/10/2011 14:14

Better health? where did you get them facts from spiderpig?

rycooler · 28/10/2011 14:15

Xposts: Spiderpig8, yes I agree with you - the research is there.

redglow · 28/10/2011 14:16

My friend said that too ryecooler five years on she has remarried never say never.

pommedechocolat · 28/10/2011 14:16

Ah, I misinterpreted your post somewhat Rycooler. I thought you meant you would become nun like until they went to uni!

spiderpig8 · 28/10/2011 14:16

'Spiderpig There is only ever a handful of AIBU and to be honest that is definately not the place to put questions'

eh?? did you read my post.it was adressed to pommedechocolat who pontificated that rycool couldn't possibly know she wouldn'y marry again.
Keep up dear !!wink

rubyrubyruby · 28/10/2011 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiderpig8 · 28/10/2011 14:19

'She can aim for not meeting anyone else but it may happen.'

maybe she can exercise self control ?
'

shineynewthings · 28/10/2011 14:22

The O.P. made an overly simplistic statement, but doesn't deserve this flack.

Every child wants their parents to stay together. I say this as a single parent. I would say my children are well adjusted and happy never in trouble etc, but it does hurt me when I see them say goodbye to their father until next week, and I know it has affected them, and probably given them some sort of complex somehwere. Doesn't make me a bad parent, and there are kids with two parents who are no where near as grounded as mine are, but I won't fool myself into thinking that our family set up hasn't affected them because it has.

I think a lot of people like to be in denial about the effect that family breakup and new 'family blendings' have on children. Let's not pretend that it has no effect what-so-ever.

I made some bad decisions which have affected my children. But at least I'm concious about it, which means I can do my best to make up for the shortfall. What scares me is the parents who aren't concious and just blithely do whatever makes them happy, remarrying, getting new partners that suit them etc without first addressing whether their children are emotionally settled enough yet to take to such changes.

rycooler · 28/10/2011 14:24

Lol - no, I don't think I could ever live like a nun - but my personal relationships would be just that - personal. I wouldn't inflict anyone on my kids. I'm not sure that's fair.

harassedandherbug · 28/10/2011 14:41

Goodness, so many balanced views about step families ..

morethanthisprovinciallife · 28/10/2011 14:43

I could cry at some of the awful opinions on here about blended families I had not realised the subject was surrounded by quite so much prejudice, I have a so called blended family comprising me, dh, dsd and ds. I have always considered dsd part of my family, dsd and ds always refer to each other as brother and sister and love each other dearly. When I met DH he made it quite clear that he and DSD came as a package and therefore I made the decision to enter into the relationship with my eyes wide open. It was the best decision I ever made, we have a happy family and my DSD is not only a daughter to me but my best friend. I understand that not all situations work out as well as ours but really not all step parents/relationships are the work of the devil.