to be brought to tears (almost) by Educating Essex?

[Acchhhoooo]

That poor girl Mollie. So affected by her fractured family setup (mother with stepdad and 2 'new' DCs + 2 DCs from stepdad's previous relationship/father with new woman and 2 new DCs then herself and her 2 siblings).

She was saying that she does not know where she fits in. That setup would complicate me as an adult let alone a teenager in the middle of it.

FFS I wish people would think before ending/replacing relationships and perhaps put their DCs first instead of themselves!

I'm so sad about some of what's been said on this post. I'm a stepmum and a mum.
I believe that a few posters would benefit from walking a mile in my DH's shoes or his ex's before categorically stating they will definitely never get remarried etc of their relationship broke down.

The survey and posters were talking about a SC that lived with them. And I think not pushing your SC to eat healthy like you do with your own DCs is caring less well for them. Sorry GP didn't mean a grandparent it meant a Dr.

But lesley, you aren't looking at the fact that someone who has a fractured life, with drink/drug/mental health problems is less likely to make good choices about the men in their lives.

And as to the treated less well - SS eating junk food but bioDC eat healthy meals - that isn't lack of care, that's refusal by the step-child to eat the meals on offer and being given an option to eat something else (probably rather than nothing).

And it's a helluva jump to say that not taking a child who is refusing to go to the doctor is less care - I know if I had to physically drag a step child who was a total refusnik to the doctor I might be more likely to leave it to a parent unless it was an emergency purely from the point of view that I wouldn't want to be accused (potentially in a hypothetical situation) of abuse or mistreatment by dragging a child kicking and screaming to the doctor.

Plus, as a step parent (which I'm not but if I was) I would take the attitude that a child who is not a toddler might possibly feel uncomfortable with me in the room if they were at the doctor.

Can you link to the study you're referring to? I'd love to read the actual abstract and results.

I think arguments over rules/discipline are more complicated in step families but they're also complicated in cases where the parents have split but are single. And you only have to do a quick search on here to see that these aren't solely the problems of biological parents who live apart! How mant threads are there on arguments within couples about how to handle a DCs refusal of certain foods or how to react to their tantrums. And couples who are also the bio parents are probably more likely to have arguments over eg cosleeping.

Also, in two parent together families, it often falls to one parent to take kids to the doctor - would you say that the other parent is neglectful because they don't go to the doctor with their children?

For example when I was still married it was always me who took the kids to the doctor. My then husband never ever ever in 18 years and 4 kids took any of them to the doctor.

Was he neglectful?

No, just the system we had in our particular family was that it was my role/job whatever to take them.

That hasn't changed now that we're split - he has taken them a few times, to be fair but most of the appointments I do.

I would never call him neglectful because of that though, or say the kids get less care when they are with him as a result of this - I trust that in a dire emergency he would take them to A&E (and has) but for the day to day cold/sniffles/verrucas etc it's me that takes them.

Okay, seems I am wrong. When I had read about this with SPs I just assumed the SPs couldn't be bothered making the same effort they would for their own biological children.

my DH lost his wife to cancer in her forties. he had two kids.

guess he should have stayed a single parent, huh? never mind that his kids are flourishing now; that their relatives say how much healthier and more secure they seem. we have problems like any family, and maybe a few extra ones, and we work them out as best we can like any other family. but the judgement and unhelpfulness of small-minded idiots doesn't help DH or i to be better parents. thank god for the kind and thoughtful people on these boards who actually offer help and support instead of ridiculous generalization and bitterness.

you lot who go on these boards talking about evil stepmums and selfish remarried parents etc etc...what a load of nasty, bitchy crap you spout sometimes. you should be ashamed of yourselves. really.

i hope you never find yourself widowed or divorced; you might have to eat your words.

well said neno - and here goes

I dont love my DSCs like I do my own.

and get this

My DH doesnt love my DCs like he loves own

Are we both your stereotypical evil stepparents then ?

his own

I've only read half of this thread and most of it is such drivvle I've had to stop.

I guess if you're happliy married (by the way, most people are, until they ARENT!) your worst nightmare is that your marriage will break down and not only will you have to know that your ex is with another woman, that woman will also be raising your kids alongside him. Been there, done that. It's hard.

But anyone who thinks that it's easy for a woman, or man for that matter, to enter the life of children who they have no initial bond with or blood ties, and be expected to instantly love them like their own is just plain foolish.

I don't love my DSD like I love my own DD. i tried to for years and used to tell people that i did, but it made me miserable. I would treat her better even than my own DD as if to prove how much I loved her. She had no respect for me, nor does she now, and there is nothing i can do to change that.

I treat her like a human being with emotions and needs and I try to meet those as I would for anyone else in my life. But yes, it's bloody difficult at times.

Get your heads out of your arses and stop being so smug. Those saying that you should just stay single - have you ever spent 5+ years without a partner and with small children all on your own?

I also can't beleive that I have to make my step daughter feel at home and accepted and not tread on her Mum's toes by trying to push my own parenting on to her while she's with me... but I am also expected to treat her exactly the same as my own DD in regard to making her eat healthily when she is with me...

I used to only offer DSD healthy food at our house and she went hungry on many an occassion - I got accused of starving her by her mother and called a snotty bitch for daring to give her organic veg... so now I give her ready meals while my own DD has fresh food/ veg/ fruit etc. and according to this thread I am neglecting her by not treating her as well as I do my own... surely people can see how ridiculous this all is?

Youre damned if you do and youre damned if you don't.

"You can't believe you have to make your step daughter feel at home " really

To be honest if a child is only with you for the weekend I would pick you battles you can easily make Saturday takeaway night and Sunday a roast with everyone loves problem solved

I think this has become a battle of the wills with you can treat people equally with the knowledge they are the same

For instance I don't always give my two children. The same treats but I make sure their of equal value

And to be honest you just sound you don't like your step daughter very much and and trying to use her as a way of lording in your own mind superior parenting skills

You are snotty how the he'll did she know you were cooking organic carrots

Because you told her so you cook the carrots and put them on the plate they only way the mum would of know the type of carrots that were served unless they were told yuk

I think a large part of the perception problem is that a step parent is expected to love their dsd/dss as their own, treat them as if they are...... but not to parent them because they already have a mother/father.

I've seen many posts on MN from mums who think the step mum has over stepped the mark (and in some cases they were prob right) but equally we're generally just trying to do what's right and not upset anyone!

Sometimes I think I'm a bit like a duck. Calm and serene on top, but pedalling like crazy underneath .

having just become a member of a blended (vomits at new buzz/trendy word) i can say that so far so good, my kids love my dp and i do mean love. he gets on well with them and i get on well with his. our kids get on amazingly well together and we are so happy about that. we are soon to have a baby and everyone is really excited about it. we rub along there are no dramas really i am happy and should be allowed to be so having children does not preclude this.

Just want to add info to Maypoles post - I've seen step parenting from both sides, my dd has a stepmum and I have a dss. I know it can work very well IF the parents are fair and reasonable BUT MJ makes a very valid point sometimes the parents are very angry and this impacts the child.

You raise the question about the organic carrots....this is something that a stepmum can relate too and we know the answer to this.. the dc's are often told to ask questions about every detail in their step family home..it really does happen. It shocked me..DSS is open about it now as we have a good relationship..but his mum will ask for minute details about our life.
DH's ex has married multiple times - soon to be hubby nos 4 (Dh was no1), she has left destruction after each marriage and continues to do so. She would be a problem if she was a single mum, married in a nuclear family or married multiple times with dc's to each dad (which happens to be the case!).
Children would be happier if adults were better at relationships, they would be happier if all adult were good parents and mostly they would be happier if mental health issues were detected and resolved BEFORE adults had dcs.

That said I do think society should have some "rules" which for most of us is common sense...i.e Dont move a new partner into the home straight away when a relationship breaks up (DH's ex literally moved a new man in with her Dc's 2 weeks after last marriage ended and she would consider herself to be middle class organic carrot munching mummy).

Lesley, just to back up the point made - If I was to take DSS to the dr it would cause such a major row that DSS would be afraid to mention any aches or pains to me in future. All I can do is suggest to him that it's possible to get treatment for acne and explain how effective treatments can be.I can suggest he asks his mum and help him phrase the question so that she does not get angry with him.That's all I can do - I would love to do more but to do so would cause a backlash that would impact DSS.

Maypole please don't project on to me. Firstly, I have my DSD with us 4 days & nights a week, not alternate weekends.

Secondly, shes a teenager and can read the word "organic". She knows she will get a response from her mum if she goes to her and tells her details about how I cook, so she does so.

And thirdly, read the whole sentance. I didn't say "I can't beleive I am expected to make my step daughter feel at home" in isolation. It was part of a longer snetence. I was making the point that I am expected to adapt my parenting to match exactly what her mother would do, but on the other hand I am expected to treat her exactly as I treat my own DD... and to do those two things concurently is impossible. Therefore, I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

MJ you are spo right, as a step family you have to run a home which can house everyone but because they don't officially live wih you you get no support. Fair enough, you may have two incomes where as the parent with care may have one in some instances.. but you syill have to fund a room, and often a wardrobe plus clothes for half of the week etc etc but none of this is acknowleged by benefits etc.