to be brought to tears (almost) by Educating Essex?

[Acchhhoooo]

That poor girl Mollie. So affected by her fractured family setup (mother with stepdad and 2 'new' DCs + 2 DCs from stepdad's previous relationship/father with new woman and 2 new DCs then herself and her 2 siblings).

She was saying that she does not know where she fits in. That setup would complicate me as an adult let alone a teenager in the middle of it.

FFS I wish people would think before ending/replacing relationships and perhaps put their DCs first instead of themselves!

morethanthis-well you as a step parent are clearly happy, and that's good.But it is the feelings of the step children in a blended family that are the issue.

spiderpig - that is really offensive!! Do you honestly think think that morethan's dsd is anything other than happy? Did you read a different post to me?? You have real issues with step parents, maybe you should stop transferring them onto everybody else's situation.

it had nothing really to do with the fact that there were step parents and other children and all about the actual circumstances of those children

There was obviously some issue with the girls and their mum, one no longer lived there and didn't seem to have any contact with her mum and her sister and the other had a really tense relationship with the mum and didn't seem to have contact with the dad's family.

That's not usual with separated parents - there was more going on there than just the fact that they'd split up and had more children with other people.

It was sad though.

Just saying the step parents perception of their happy blended family, might not be the same thing the child is experiencing.

Spiderpig that is the point I am trying to make my DSD is happy, everyone involved has done everything they can to ensure it.

I work with young homeless people, a large proportion of them having been 'displaced' by step-families. However, I also have a step-parent who arrived when I was a teenager. I won't pretend I was overjoyed at first, but I can honestly say that my step-father has been a wholly positive influence on my life. He has never treated me 'like his own' - I'm not his own and I have two parents already. He has however been a solid, caring, supportive presence in my life, and he loves my mum. He's a brilliant grandad to my dc too.

In short, "blended families" are not about inflicting adults on children or vice versa. I think the number of times 'inflicting' has been mentioned on this thread alone is worrying. It's about how it's done, steps are not all one thing or another.

Spiderpig, my DSD has just turned 16 do you think I would be so confident about the situation if I had not taken the time over the years to discuss thin gs with her and obtain her point of view

I didn't see the documentary you are talking about...I believe that nobody should stay in an unhappy relationship but I know that I wouldn't be able to have other children if I had to be in a new relationship, I couldn't do that to my children.

I meant to say, I'll accept a new partner with his children but will be against conceiving.

I'm not hugely attached to the nuclear family "ideal" as clearly it hides a lot of pain and abuse sometimes. However I agree that it's a rare pair who can pull off the step-parent thing with good grace, proper consideration for the children, and shared happiness. Much more often (from my and my friends' experiences) it's like-it-or-lump-it, it's-my-time-now, and happiness of a poor sort for half the family, if that. I know one family where it's been a success, and the effort they've put into it is admirable. So massive kudos to you if you've succeeded, it's a really difficult thing.

Some step parents are amazing and a great positive influence on their step kids. And some biological parents are abusive and awful.

But I remember being shocked about a year/2 years ago? about an anonymous survey with step families, which showed that step children were less likely to be fed healthily, to receive medical attention, etc than DCs in the same family who were the biological children of both the adults. And I remember posts on mumsnet at the time saying things like - yes my step son (who lives with me) does eat burgers and chips every day while my own kids eat healthy organic meals - but only because I can't make him eat healthy meals. Or yes I don't take my step DD to GP, unlike my own kids, because she complains if I try to take her.

And a stepfather is a recognised risk factor for child abuse i.e. step fathers are statistically significantly more likely to abuse than biological fathers.

This doesn't detract from the great step parents. But having a step parent does seem to increase the risk of a DC not receiving the same level of care as they would from two biological parents.

you can have a successful stepfamily however when you get 'bustop' parents its never gonna be for the welfare of the children and can create instability.

But having a step parent does seem to increase the risk of a DC not receiving the same level of care as they would from two biological parents.

That's a good point.

Step families can be positive things and in some cases more positive than parents who stay in an unhappy relationship.

My DSD has always seen it as a positive thing. She has 4 half siblings, 2 sets of grandparents, two sets of step-grandparents and a seemingly endless number of aunts, uncles and cousins all of which come together to form a happy and supportive family. When she was younger, she also appreciated having a whole ton of stuff at Christmas from all parts of the family .

So what would have been better? Her mother staying partnerless and unmarried and her dad staying partnerless and unmarried. Just her moving between those two households? I am sure she'd disagree.

As for the step-parents who don't like their step-children, well in my experience the worse of those cases is where you have a disney dad who doesn't set any boundaries or a mother who makes it clear she has problems with her ex and his family. This leads to unruly or bad mannered children who it can be really trying to deal with.

Also, there are no end of threads on here about not liking children that aren't your own, so there's no magic wand that you wave as a person where you suddenly like your partners children. In my case I had been with my partner for 8 months when I met his daughter. If she had been rude or we'd not got on well, it would have been bloody hard just to give up loving someone just becasue of his daughter. Even liking her didn't mean that things always ran smoothly with DH acting like an arse on several occasions, but thats another story.

The step parents who post on MN are often doing it so they have somewhere anonymous where they can come and vent or get advice or try to make things better. I know that I have posted on there on numerous occasions when I've needed help or I have been pissed off beyond belief. However my DSD or my DH would never know as by having somewhere to vent and get it out of my system, I was able to carry on being a reasonable human being in RL.

Well, this has turned into a bit of an essay so in summary - step / blended families can be a good thing. Staying single isn't always better than a new relationship for children and stop bashing the steps who post on here as until you walk a mile in their shoes you don't know what its like. I think that about covers it!!

I would never dream of bashing the step parents who post on here - all I'm saying is a blended family would not be for me - I CBA with all the hassle.

But having a step parent does seem to increase the risk of a DC not receiving the same level of care as they would from two biological parents.

Oh i agree usually thays more to do with a spoilt, jealous steparent or a bio parent who's more interested in their OH needs than their kids.

Having parents who are disinterested and unkind increases the risk of DCs not receiving a good level of care, I am not so sure about step-parents.

Poor or neglectful parenting isn't the preserve of a blended family. In some cases it can be better if one neglectful parent is replaced with a step parent.

Nenevomito- I think we're all agreed on that! Some nuclear families are dysfunctional, some blended families are. Some nuclear families are fabulous, some blended families are

People are just pointing out the statistical evidence, which is that step families are more likely to have certain issues. There is no point in denying that.

Of course, there will be loads of happy step parents posting on here - this is a self selecting group - we are hardly likely to have people come on here saying 'actually I don't love my partners kids like my own.'

None of this is rocket science anyway. Raising happy successful kids through all the ups and downs of childhood and teenage years is damn hard when they're your flesh and blood- so is it any wonder its harder when they're not

Well to be honest, I don't love my DSD like I do my own children.

Well that's honest of 'you to admit it.

I take my hat off to step parents who manage it successfully

Actually in my OP I did not state that 'blended' (hate that term, puke inducing) families were the root of all evil, just that it a rare one that is actually 'blended' rather than fractured.

A 'blended' family would mean that ALL the children within that structure were made to feel equally important/loved and the parents put the children's needs above their own which may include not embarking on a fresh relationship straight after a messy split and having more children with a different partner who no matter what they say will not love another man's/woman's children as their own. Especially if there is still acrimony in the parents relationship.

I may have been a bit rash to post this last night as I am a product of a childhood like Mollie's. Mother had 4 DCs with a man who sadly died and was left a widow. As she did not want to be alone, she married my father who took the older 4 on but used to lock them outside (even in the rain) to get them out of his hair while myself and my brother (his bio children) were inside in the warm. Mother divorced my father when I was 6 and immediately married my stepfather and had 2 further DCs with him. We were terrified of him and he hated us upsetting his wife (our mother FFS). There was a marked difference in how the younger 2 were treated and I would never, ever wish a childhood like that on anybody. Meanwhile my father had got a new woman and brought up her children as his own (supposedly) although he never paid a penny in child support for us and never tried to contact us until 30 years later. I was confused, had low self esteem and felt rejected and that definitely affected my school life as my mother had so many DCs she did not care about MY schoolwork. The younger two were funded through uni though. They could'nt afford to send us older ones of course. I just wish I had a Mr Drew at my school.

I just can't understand how parents can do that to their children. If anything happened between my DH and I, I would most assuredly assert my self control and would not have another man in the house let alone further DCs. That is just selfish IMO I would be single until my DCs were adults. My children's wellbeing would be much more important than sex and companionship for myself.

Although would not rule out a 'fuck buddy' with the act taking place away from my home and without the DCs knowing .

I had step parents and step-siblings growing up and don't feel I lost out at all, gained in fact.

I haven't seen this week's Educating Essex yet but was upset by last week's: the boy Vinni, whose parents had split up.

You could only glean little bits from what was said but I gathered that his father had a new partner, no longer bothered with Vinni and his siblings and indeed turned up to sports matches to watch his partner's child play but not Vinni

Vinni went into care - voluntarily and with some relief I thought -after a violent outburst where his Mum had had to call the police. DH and I had a argument discussion as he had the old judgypants on about how had Vinni's Mum "let that happen." My stance was 'she needs to protect the other children but never mind her, what about the DAD? The first thing that SS would have done would suggest he moves in with his Dad.'