to be brought to tears (almost) by Educating Essex?

[Acchhhoooo]

That poor girl Mollie. So affected by her fractured family setup (mother with stepdad and 2 'new' DCs + 2 DCs from stepdad's previous relationship/father with new woman and 2 new DCs then herself and her 2 siblings).

She was saying that she does not know where she fits in. That setup would complicate me as an adult let alone a teenager in the middle of it.

FFS I wish people would think before ending/replacing relationships and perhaps put their DCs first instead of themselves!

I find some opinions on this thread a bit bizarre/extreme. Maybe colured by being memebers of failed step - families? There are huge numbers of successful ones, where the children's lives are enhanced by their step parents. I know this from my own experience.

There are dysfunctional nuclear families and dysfunctional blended families - but to write off a huge number of successful families who are supposedly damaging the children is a massive generalisation.

Excuse typos, sorry

Oh - and of COURSE people can love non biological children as their own - adoptive parents do it all the time.

Spiderpig's statement that children from 'broken homes' perform worse at school, have more behavioural problems etc misses the point that this is because the 'broken home' brigade includes children from very disadvantaged backgrounds, very young mothers who struggle to cope with their children etc - It's not really talking about the vast majority of parents who remarry and go on to have more children.

Just seen this and rather then be shocked or angry I feel truly saddened by some of the posts on here. For those of you suggesting it is selfishness driving families apart, or an element of a have it now culture, why dont you go over to relationships or lone parents and inform the women there who have been abused, lied to, hurt and betrayed that any chance of them finding happiness again is selfish and detrimental to thier childrens well being. This thread isnt an attack on step parents mj, its just ignorant predjudice. And in this day and age that is truly depressing.

I don't think anybody is saying that parents should stay in abusive and un happy relationships; or that they should never have a relationship whilst their DCs are children. But statistically, having a SP does increase the chances a DC not being as well cared for than if they had 2 biological parents looking after them.

I see the "message" from this as being that it is crucial for parents to think very closely about how their partner would be as a SP before moving them in and that if you are going to be a SP yourself, you must be prepared to work hard at looking after and caring for your partners DCs.

I know some will say that parents do this, but actually I think thats not always true. Some parents are more focussed on ending their loneliness or falling in love, to really look in depth at what kind of SP their partner would make.

But statistics show that poor care is more likely to happen in a family with a SP than 2 biological parents. It doesn't matter how many times you say this is offensive, it is the truth.

So I shouldn't have a relationship with anyone until my children are grown up and left home, because their father was a bigoted, abusive, self-centred, egotistical, controlling knob end of the biggest order and I left him? I am not "allowed" to move on with my life and if I meet someone else who I want to introduce to my kids, introduce them and make a family with them?

What a load of patronising ill-informed bollocks.

I hope all of you sitting on the smug side of the fence never have cause to eat your words. Because it's a long road there's no turn in. Oh, and the grass is only so green over there because it's fertilized with bullshit.

So, lesley, what you are saying then is that the care I provide for my children will diminish if I find myself in a new relationship?

Balls. Total and utter balls.

There's lies, damned lies and statistics.

The statistics you talk of don't take into account the background of the parties - if someone is fractured and damaged and rattling through relationships as a result, yes the children will be less well cared for. But that is a massive generalisation.

Mj you said that so much better than me

And I was brought up in a family where my parents were and remain married to each other.

But my childhood was shite. Utterly shite.

So am I entitled to say that all parents should get divorced and remarried because my parents didn't and my childhood was shite and I didn't know where I fitted in and I wasn't wanted?

I don't think people should wait till their kids are grown up to have relationships, but.. my Father died when I was 11, and I was very relieved that my Mother didn't remarry or move someone in, because I would have absolutely hated it. And it was my biggest fear growing up. On the other hand, she kind of always lived through us (still does)and didn't have any kind of social life and I'm sure she would have been an easier going parent if she'd had a relationship after my Dad died. And we would have been financially better off too if she'd pooled her resources with a new partner- we were always skint growing up, which was no fun.

Some children are screwed up by having their parents split and remarry and start new families. Some parents are screwed up by parents who stay together. The common factor is the quality of parenting.

In summary:

Bad parents, bad.

Good parents, good.

If that's true Lesley33, it's a bit chicken and egg surely? People who have impulse control problems, untreated addiction issues, difficulty forming relationships etc are less likely to remain with the biological father of their child. Those same qualities also make them more likely to struggle with parenting. It's not the split that causes the parenting problems.

Its hard to know what causes the parenting problems. For example, DCs with SF are much more likely to be abused than DCs living with biological father. But is that because some SFs don't care about their SP as much as their biological parents or because the type of man who becomes an abusive SF is far less likely to settle down with his biological children.

But as I said farther back, an anonymous survey carried out with families did reveal that some DCs living with SP are treated less well than the same biological DCs in the same family. And I remember being shocked at this, but SP on mumsnet posting about how this was true in their family, but giving reasons for it e.g. yes my SS eats junk food every night while my biological DCs eat healthy meals - but only because I can't get him to eat healthy meals. Or yes I don't take my SD to GP when I would take my biological DCs, but only because SD complains so much if I try to take her. So this does happen in families and these DCs are less well cared for.

This doesn't take away from the fact that there are some brilliant SPs and some awful biological parents.