To think some children are just thick? Why is it so hard to accept?

[PosiesOfPoison]

I love my children dearly and equally, some are more academic than others. One loathes any learning type activity at home, hates work and isn't great at it. He's brilliant in other ways. fabulous on the stage (which makes me think I must be an awful mother for him to crave the adoration of a crowd).

Now I could pop along to an educational psychologist in a bid to find out why he's no good at school or just accept that he's never going to be a grade A student.

So much of me finds it hard to accept that one of my children is not very bright(at school) and I don't really use the word thick in RL it's just a headline grabber!!

So AIBU to spend money on getting him tested or do I accept my lovely boy who would rather stick pins in his eyes will never love school and school type learning?

stick pins in his eyes than pick up a book...

His mother's a bit dim too.

And I do think I subconsciously knock his confidence.

As I say to my children .... "There is a place in life for everybody" and yes, YABU in wanting to get his tested.

He just needs to find what sparks him up ...... hope it doesn't take a lifetime

Since academic skills are very important in the modern world, why don't you help your less academic son along a bit more than your other children?

That is the conclusion I would draw!

Just leave him be and praise him for the things he is good at! You're lucky to have a mix of children :)

Bonsoir, he's my oldest and he's nine, next is 8, 5, nearly 3. So it's just finding the time. I do feel I've really let him down and get cross when he's not willing to try.

If the testing would be as much about identifying his strengths as well as his weaknesses, then it might be worth getting him tested. But not if it is just going to end up as an exercise in demonstrating how he doesn't stack up next to one or other of his siblings.....

I do observe, anecdotally, that eldest children of large families (four or five) born close together are sometimes held back by the average age of the children they spend time around. Their parents are understandably preoccupied with the material needs of little children and don't push their elder children to achieve as much as they might.

I would let him channel alot of his energies into the things he adores and is good at doing. Cos they are likely to be more successful at something they enjoy.

Obviously don't ignore school work. Keep encouraging that but it's really not the end of world. Not every kid in the class can be in the 'top set' or there'd be no bottom or middle sets.

Do you think it is worth seeing an Ed Psychologist? What do you think they will say?

My DP left school with a qual in wood work. He loathed school. He is highly successful at his chosen career and worked very hard after leaving school to get the necessary academic quals so he get into his chosen field.

So if the drive is there - you can achieve it.

I would say if money is freely available then no harm in checking if there are any issues- after all it's quite possible to remedy any minor issues picked up and help standards rise a little, tehre doesn;t ahve to be a cure or alabel in sight.

Equally though 'thick' doesn't have to be less worthwhile, most kids ahve an area of ability, just focus on that: ds2 is never going to university or to set
academia alight; he's got his skills though so we prias and work with those.

Personally i'd always say grab any chance to remove the barriers a child might have, why make things more difficult than they have to be- but never assume all kids are oing to be academic or place extra value on that

(Have x-posted and now just read he is the eldest of 3 siblings).

Think that testing might be useful if it helps you (and him) in identifying those areas where he might gain most benefit w extra help/support.

The flip side of the "don't push him if he's not made for it" coin is that if he doesn't get any additional spuport or encouragement, he might end up feeling he's not WORTH the additional support or expectation.

Parenting, never straightforward is it?!

Posies

Please tell my friend this. She is always up the school making a tit fool of herself with her DD's teachers. Her DD is average at school and not interested in the slightest in academic work and refuses to read a book.

Friend thinks she is going to be Prime Minister/rocket scientist/Nobel Prize winner and keeps telling the teachers this.

Do not get your child tested................he will face many tests along his way. Let him find his own path.

Gosh he's only 9yrs old and you're asking if you should just accept he'll never love school and school type learning?

There's plenty of time yet. Senior school might inspire him!

I think testing may look like pressure and as a child who was pressured myself please don't. I can't even do something that looks vaguely like pressure without having a near on panic attack these days.

I am a bit muddled about your point tbh.

I think it is always a bit of a shock when our children have different academic abilities to us and when they are different from each other. But of course some children are more intelligent, or less academic or have special needs.
They can be more than one at the same time.

I am not sure that anyone sensible would recommend an Ed psych for a child who was just less bright. An Ed psyche is helpful if a child has a difficulty which inhibits their basic ability.

But I agree that accepting a child may not be great in an academic sense may well be a gift to them.

Some are obsessed with academic ability as a recipe for happiness and success. I don't think that is true.

And observe when people who prize intelligence and success abaci all else turn up. Their manner and tone never suggest to me that they are very happy. They just want to be seen as 'the best'. That must be quite hard work and not much fun at parties

It is hard to accept isn't it?

About once a year I get in a bunfight on mumsnet about children working in differentiated group at school. 'it's so unfair, why should Tarquin be put in the middle group my answer being 'because that is where his work can be targetted to give him the best possible chance of success and challenge'.

Some parents are just unable to accept that there are always going to be those who aren't academic stars but of course, as you have said, they will find other places to shine. It's the same parents who are pushing their children on in the reading schemes 'oh yes, he's on cerise dontcherknow' but ignore the fact that their child is 'barking at print' ie has no idea what they are reading about.

I've just watched a parent whose child was not grammar school material have them coached to within an inch of their life and the child has just failed the 11+ (school had advised against the child taking it) - I should imagine the child's confidence has taken a massive knock and that is due to the parents lack of willing to accept their child' academic limitations.

You sound like your head is firmly screwed on, you want the best for your child. If you support his school life, encourage him to always do his best and find out where he shines then I am sure you will raise a happy, confident and successful child.

My brother's not academic at all. My parents (almost cruelly I think) said they'd give him £1k for every B he got at gcse. He was never going to get any. He left school as soon as he possibly could and became a butcher. And a blooming good one at that.

He was quite unhappy at school and bullied (not because he wasn't academic) and his reaction was to take up power lifting, get a lot of tattoos/piercings and buy a motorbike.

The thing is, it's become apparent since he left school all those years ago, that he does have hidden skills but they weren't along the academic line. He draws excellently, he has had poetry published, can knit, sew and crochet better than me (grr) but there's no way he'd have got away with revealing any of this at school. Oh and God can the man cook.

I wish the school hadn't doggedly pursued pushing him to do better at maths and science etc when he clearly had other abilities they weren't interested in. I think my parents wish they'd known too.

Oh and unless you think there is a specific reason eg he may be dyslexic I wouldn't bother testing. If you are concerned go and speak to the school, start with his teacher and if necessary they can refer you to the SENCO.
It can't harm and you sound like you aren't the sort of parent who is desperate for a label to explain why their child isn't an academic high flyer.

Posies this wouldn't be a reaction to another thread, would it

Posie, give him time.

My ds is now 12 and in Year 8 at the local secondary school.

When he was little he was dreadful at school. Bottom sets for everything, in special sets with additional TA support, hated school, acted the clown to avoid having to work. He also was a keen little actor, always on stage at school plays, did out of school drama club, loved it. I had all but given up hope of him achieving anything academically and instead praised him for his creative side (he loves drawing and dancing too) and thought 'he will find his niche'

Anyway, when he got to around 9.5 something odd happened. He developed a love for maths and science and started knuckling down at school. At the same time his lovely literacy teacher bigged up the acting thing saying that in order to be a successfull actor he would need to be able to 'understand text' so reading was important.

He moved from bottom to middle sets. Got good SAT results at the end of Y6. (and still had a main part in the Christmas play )

He is now in his second year in a relatively high performing secondary school. He is in top sets for maths and science. (no mean feat, there are 6 sets)
He loves maths and science and wants to have a career in medicine (emergency medicine or paramedic atm). He is in the second highest set for all other subjects. So he is doing well.
His classmates no longer call him the class clown, they call him a geek.

So don't think your ds will struggle forever. Some children take longer to find their acedemic spark. (and even if he never does, it does not matter, there is a place for everyone...)

ShowOfHands' example is a good lesson to us all: surely the responsibility of parents is to help children uncover whatever natural talents they have and to develop them in a way that allows them to become autonomous adults?

Oh. I haven't walked into a snarky thread have I?

I am trying to avoid those

ShowOfHands - your brother sounds great!! Is he married? [hwink]

I think 9 is very young to write him off academically.

I would try to get him help to keep up with the standard of the class, while keeping an open mind about what he might end up doing in future. I remember two little boys, family friends. One was the golden boy at primary school, the other a snivelly underachiever. The golden boy dropped out of high school and ended up reading tarot cards in central america. The underachiever did brilliantly in end of school exams and turned into a truly lovely man. I just think you can't tell with children.

Oh, is this not a real thread?

Bloody hell, I lay myself bare offering advice for someone's entertainment?

Fuck.

I personally would have my child assessed if they were struggling that much in school. When I was 8-9 I was the same, my parents had me assessed and turns out I had ADD (not hyperactivity, just struggled with concentration). I was given techniques on how I could learn best and was given medication. I was not on medication more than a few years; and got through high school and college through the techniques that I was taught. I still use them today in my ongoing education.

IMO waiting a long time to sort out a potential learning difficulty/concentration issue is not doing your DC any favours.