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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some children are just thick? Why is it so hard to accept?

121 replies

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:09

I love my children dearly and equally, some are more academic than others. One loathes any learning type activity at home, hates work and isn't great at it. He's brilliant in other ways. fabulous on the stage (which makes me think I must be an awful mother for him to crave the adoration of a crowd).

Now I could pop along to an educational psychologist in a bid to find out why he's no good at school or just accept that he's never going to be a grade A student.

So much of me finds it hard to accept that one of my children is not very bright(at school) and I don't really use the word thick in RL it's just a headline grabber!!

So AIBU to spend money on getting him tested or do I accept my lovely boy who would rather stick pins in his eyes will never love school and school type learning?

OP posts:

GiganticusBottomus · 27/10/2011 10:37

Tryingtoleave - I don' think think op is writing off their DS! I think the point is they want to be supportive but without having unrealistic expectations which can be damaging to a child who feels they are never good enough.

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:38

Kind of, salt.

I do find it hard to say good things when he neither tries nor succeeds.
And acting and dancing is easy.

TRouble is he's just like me, without the academic ability, so I was lazy but very bright.

He's very jealous of his 14mth younger sibling, who is very bright and works his arse off, loves school.

OP posts:

tryingtoleave · 27/10/2011 10:41

I said write him off academically - I didn't suggest she was writing him off generally.

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:41

No this is a real thread, but I was motivated by the other. I went on the other thread expecting a similar OP...that a child was struggling. It's not sarcastic, it's not a dig. I do have genuine concerns that I am ruining my Ds's childhood because I have a very fixed idea about achievement and the importance of academia. I may have that middle class twattery that thinks 'my son cannot be thick it must be a LD, please find him a label so it's not my fault'

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 27/10/2011 10:42

Arf. My brother is married. He's a delightful mix of contradictions. Big, burly, rufty tufty bloke who is surgically attached to his massive motorbike with a predilection for crochet and macrame and got all teary the other day over some abandoned kittens he's fostering.

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:43

I'm not trying to write him off but I don't want to him to have a childhood of 'not good enough' when it's never going to be good enough. I don't want to think it's conditional love.

OP posts:

suburbandream · 27/10/2011 10:43

I saw the other thread and wondered if this was a reaction to it ..
But anyway, I just think that everyone is different and we can't all be super-academic. Encourage him at the things he loves and is good at - acting and dancing are certainly not easy for everyone
If there are real concerns, bring them up with school.
Academic ability does not automatically equal success or happiness.

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:43

I'm liking your brother SoH!!

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 27/10/2011 10:45

Posies, I understand btw. I'm pretty academic, have 3 v good degrees and was extremely happy at school. DD is similarly bright and adoring school and I take a lot of pleasure in it.

I am very aware that tiny baby ds might not be academically inclined. And I think I would struggle with that. But I've seen my brother's struggles firsthand and ds will not be him. I'm trying to pursue happiness for both of my dc, regardless of the form it will take. I suspect I'll find it hard though.

idlevice · 27/10/2011 10:46

You might as well investigate so you know whether there's likely to be anything to try to see if it can change the situation or if not (or if there is but it's too hard/expensive/complicated), then you can just accept how it is, which is fine if he seems fine with it.

GiganticusBottomus · 27/10/2011 10:46

Oh posie and there was me saying you didn't have the middle class twattery - may I have overestimated your academic abilities...

Still if you know you are doing it you can make an effort not to although I do agree it is hard to praise lack of success when there is lack of effort.

ShowOfHands · 27/10/2011 10:48

I know I'm wheeling my family out as examples but bil put a lot of pressure on himself at school to do well academically. And he did do well, not through natural inclination but through putting a lot of pressure on himself. He ended up having to see a psychologist regularly because he was close to breaking point. He was 10 when I met dh and I saw him stay up till 11pm night after night, frustrated, crying and desperate to get his work 'right'. MIL and FIL handled it all brilliantly and worked hard at fostering hobbies, letting himself go outside of school a bit, enjoying activities. And slowly but surely, he invested more and more time in a hobby he found he adored, put in good effort at school but stopped punishing himself when his grades became 'good' instead of exemplary and these days he travels the world working as a professional ballet dancer. And he's content.

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:49

OP posts:

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:50

Awww you met when he was ten, that's so lovely.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 27/10/2011 10:50

Do you know what OP, I am fully willing to accept your self-diagnosis of middle class twattery after your comment that acting and dancing is easy. Cos it's not. Why not try praising your child for the talents he has, talents that one in a hundred people have? I guarantee you his confidence will then rise and, when he realises that some academic work is necessary to persue his ambitions, the time and effort he's willing to devote will also rise.

Steam is actually coming out of my ears here! Because I was a talented actor, I got into drama school (1 in a hundred auditionees made it, by the way). Because even then I still wasn't good enough at this 'easy' job I ended up producing and directing. Both things fuelled my love of words, and now I earn £300 a day copywriting, from home, which I fit round my DS. None of it was easy. FFS. Your child really can't win, can he.

thecatatemygymsuit · 27/10/2011 10:54

I am confused by your op - why is it so hard to understand for you that your child just might not be academic?
So he's happy, has mates and is good at something he loves (which sounds brilliant btw, you are totally overthinking)? I don't even see the problem, unless you genuinely think he is failing? Is there a reason why you think he should be particularly academic?
Are you an unusually intelligent family?

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:54

Sorry, I do say he's brilliant at acting, modelling etc. But he doesn't work hard at it, he's naturally talented. I am not a monster who just shrugs when he comes off stage, I sit in the audience proud of my son, barely able to view through tears of joy! (sorry if I gave that impression) He knows I love him and think he's incredibly talented, he's in a show with the Hoff next month! I was also a very talented singer and actress but my mother always made me feel that that wasn't a real choice and I had to do a degree and get a real job, whilst my friends went to drama school.

Remember he's only nine so talent is not hard work yet!

OP posts:

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:56

No, thecat, we're not. But he's below average in literacy. The national average is pretty low already.

I wrote this on the other thread.
DS1. aged 9
Talked late (late in comparison to peers but not worryingly late)
Found blending an reading hard, I think he reads from memory more than understanding laws of spelling/reading.
Maths is okay.
Hates reading.
Often misses the important part of a group of facts, verbally.
Reading comprehension, has no confidence and thinks he can never do it so short cuts and gets it wrong. (will just look for key word and copy as opposed to 'idea')
Socially he plays with girls and boys and is teased for this.
Plays with very academic boys and feels left behind.
Doesn't find it perfectly to any school group, although never alone and very well liked.

An Ed Psc. Thought working memory and executive function were worth looking into.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 27/10/2011 11:01

[more gently now] If you're unhappy about the things your own mother said to you, why are you repeating that pattern with your own DS? Talent is hard work for people who don't have it, just in the same way that academic smarts are difficult for the people who do have them. You're talking about a 9 year old here. And I tell you what - if his confidence is knocked in the same way yours was, then that talent will disappear.

I will now send you a hug and a reminder to want the child you have, rather than the child you wanted.

tryingtoleave · 27/10/2011 11:02

It sounds like he is a gentler type of boy? The trick might be to find the right kind of high school. Do they have performing arts high schools where you are?

thecatatemygymsuit · 27/10/2011 11:03

Fair enough Posie, I didn't quite get that he was actually struggling from your post. Maybe he could do with some help then? But I still think, you know, someone has to be below average at things? I'm not trying to be flippant, btw. Is he actually happy? Maybe his school is too academic, stage school??

Goldenbear · 27/10/2011 11:06

I agree with others who have argued that 9 is very young to conclude that he is not academic - I was half expecting you to say he is 15! It is very likely that he hasn't peaked yet considering his age.

Academically, I was a bit of an under achiever mathematically at primary school which led me to fail the 11 plus. However, I peaked, helpfully, around GCSE time and went to a 'good' university and following my 1st degree went on to study for an MA.

I think you cannot label him yet you may unwittingly harm his academic achievements in doing so. He could turn around to you in years to come and be resentful about this?

Original poster

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 11:09

I appreciate that this my failing and my issues to work on. (I do seek counselling for my fuckwittery...have huge issues with my own parents and therefore do want to be a better parent)

OP posts:

iMemoo · 27/10/2011 11:10

He is 9 and you've ready given up on him.

My brother would not read as a child.

He didn't get one single GCSE.

Then at tbe age of 25 he met somebody who inspired and motivated him to learn. He did a degree and his master and has now just finished his PHD. He lectures at a university.

Don't let your son down by giving up on him now. It's your job to help him achieve his full potential.

iMemoo · 27/10/2011 11:11

Sorry for all the typos, can't find my bloody glasses!

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