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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some children are just thick? Why is it so hard to accept?

121 replies

PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 10:09

I love my children dearly and equally, some are more academic than others. One loathes any learning type activity at home, hates work and isn't great at it. He's brilliant in other ways. fabulous on the stage (which makes me think I must be an awful mother for him to crave the adoration of a crowd).

Now I could pop along to an educational psychologist in a bid to find out why he's no good at school or just accept that he's never going to be a grade A student.

So much of me finds it hard to accept that one of my children is not very bright(at school) and I don't really use the word thick in RL it's just a headline grabber!!

So AIBU to spend money on getting him tested or do I accept my lovely boy who would rather stick pins in his eyes will never love school and school type learning?

OP posts:
brokenmarrow · 27/10/2011 11:17

I had a friend at school who was brilliant at art and english but her parents couldnt see past the fact that she was their only child to get into grammar school and therefore must be doctor material.

They literally forced the school to let her do science subjects at a-level after poor grades at gcse.

It was just so sad, she wanted to please her parents so struggled through some very tough years and is now nursing which i think she enjoys :)

Bugsy2 · 27/10/2011 11:18

Posies, I think some boys can be late developers & it doesn't all click into place for them until they are in their teens.

It is also possible that he may have some minor cognitive impairments that will make him a bit "dyslexic" for want of a better term. You say he has a strong dislike of reading & writing - kids often dislike stuff they are crap at. If you don't actually think he is genuinely not very bright, then it may be worth having him assessed. You'd probably have to cough up for it, as he doesn't sound bad enough for the LA to bother about. It's about £400 for a full assessment. However, if you think he is just not academically minded, then it is not worth it.

lesley33 · 27/10/2011 11:21

I wonder if it would be worth working more on encouraging him to work hard at something and develop the skills to do that. Because whatever he ends up doing, those are massively useful skills. Although i wouldn't start with something he doesn't enjoy, but with soemthing he does.

For example, could he get a part in a play where he has to learn quite a lot of lines which will take work. You can then praise him for his hard work.

WilsonFrickett · 27/10/2011 11:21

Sorry folks, stage school is hardly an easy option as DCs have to do twice as much - the normal curriculum has to be followed as well as all the extra classes for music, acting, dancing, etc. Children have to be highly motivated to succeed in both areas.

tryingtoleave · 27/10/2011 11:35

I didn't suggest it as an easy option - just somewhere he might be happy socially and successful.

Original poster
PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 11:54

Thanks all. I just trying to find a happy balance with not expecting too much/not giving up!!

OP posts:
LapsedPacifist · 27/10/2011 11:58

Oh Posie, I do know EXACTLY where you're coming from! Blush
(Mrs Flittersnoop here in new persona - lovely to meet you at the Bath do!)

I too come from a family that places a lot of emphasis on academic ability. But the main difference is that most of the men in our family were hopeless at school and went to university via unconventional routes. My SIL left school at 16 and is now a university professor. I suppose we have seen at first hand how people develop at different rates.

My DS (15) was always a bit below average academically until puberty. He was assessed when he entered secondary school and we were told there was only a 50% chance that he would achieve 5 passes at GSCE. He is now on course to get 9/10 A*-B grade passes next June.

porcamiseria · 27/10/2011 11:59

a mix of all

help him with the academic stuff
and
encourage his skills

he may be the next vin diesel!!!!!

WilsonFrickett · 27/10/2011 11:59

Stage school insanely competitive as well, and quite often there's a free eating disorder with every place Hmm

porcamiseria · 27/10/2011 12:00

OH and my family were super academic too, oxbridge etc

Original poster
PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 12:01

WF. I'm in!! (not taking eating disorders lightly I've had one myself, now I see a thin person in the mirror whilst my clothing says otherwise!! )

OP posts:
harassedandherbug · 27/10/2011 12:02

Both of my ds's, but particularly ds2, are pretty much academically "challenged". But they're both amazing with their hands, and ds1 is a bit of a maths whizz (like me!).

I'm pretty intelligent, but xh (their father) was not, and unfortunately it took a long time for me to get my head around this! They both saw EP's and nothing was diagnosed, although the college decided ds2 was dyslexic at 18.... I'm still a bit Hmm about that tbh.

Ds1 is now 22, a dad and a self employed roofer. I showed him how to do his accounts and now he does it all himself. For 22 he's doing very well, and I couldn't be prouder of him.

Ds2 was the one that struggled most. He was bullied at school and became very anti. But at 14 he was doing 1 day a week at college doing mechanics and is excellent at it! This was the child that was practically born with tools in his hands though, was fixing his bike at 7 and stripping down motorbike engines at 10. He's now fully qualified but unfortunately can't get a job so works in Tesco for now.

I really do think it's a case of finding what they're good at and encouraging that. Plus I think it's really important to be supportive of everything they do, whether it's badly in a GCSE or really well in a performance.

It's tough for everyone, but I think it's really important for them to find their way in the world.

I also have a 5yr old dd, and she appears to be the total opposite of her brothers so far.....

Original poster
PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 12:02

I just need to be nicer then? Grin

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 27/10/2011 12:04

Maybe we could start one for grown-ups?

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 27/10/2011 12:13

My eldest dd always struggled at school ( in the middle of 2 very bright brothers) after leaving school shestarted work in a nursery at 17 and has done NVQ's 2 and 3 in childcare. I am very very proud of her.
There is a place for everyone in society and your child does not have to go to university to be a success.
You can get workbooks to help him if he is keen to try them (WHSmith)
But i think the best you can do for him is to praise him and encourage him in the activities that he is good at.

EllaDee · 27/10/2011 12:13

Just saying, but ... I can't imagine it is easy to admit what posies admitted in her OP.

Bugsy2 · 27/10/2011 12:14

LOL - Wilson, I thought you meant a thread for thick MNers!!!! [hgrin]

squeakyfreakytoy · 27/10/2011 12:15

Some children are just not academically gifted and do not find it easy sitting in a classroom learning. For many of these kids, it is once they leave school and get a chance to do other things that they start to shine and find out where their talents are.

We cant all be top of the class, the best reader, brilliant at maths, etc...

This is one of the reasons that I think children should be able to leave the classroom at 14 if they are able to go on an apprenticeship where they can learn a trade/skill, rather than spend the next two years of their life feeling like shite because they know that they have no realistic chance of getting good exam grades and will basically be wasting the next two years.

Original poster
PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 12:30

Ella. You're right it wasn't easy. Thanks.

However it's been lovely to be able to say it, it's not any reflection upon me which I think as parents we often 'own' our children's achievements, as well as failures, far woo well. Although I'm taking credit for the fact that they are all very well mannered, well liked, and kind children (outside of the home).

OP posts:
EllaDee · 27/10/2011 12:34

Well, if we can't discuss this stuff here, where can we? It's good to be able to talk/think about it.

TheFidgetySheep · 27/10/2011 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiderpig8 · 27/10/2011 12:40

boys often come to education later on.Ds1 was bottom group for everything except reading at primary.passed the 11+ struggled a bit.Then when he got to y10 and was working towards GCSEs ie something that actually benefitted him, he started trying hard and came out with 10 A/A* in academic subjects and now doing As levels.
I think the important thing with boys is not to put them off for life, by pushing them too hard in something if they are not interested in at that moment in time.

Original poster
PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 12:51

That's what I'm worried about spiderpig, pushing him and making him feel like a failure or not expecting enough from him and making him feel like a failure....it's a tricky balance.

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 27/10/2011 13:13

Posie we've talked about our DSs before, haven't we . I took mine along to the Eoin Colfer thing at the Lit Fest (Artemis Fowl being the only novel he has attempted - and that was on the bloody DS - this ).

They were giving out flyers for another author which for some reason appealed to ds, who asked me to get him a copy. He is now actually reading a Real Proper Book. A real one. With loads of pages. Of his own volition. And when he finishes that he's looking forward to reading Silverfin, which has languished on his shelf for at least two years...

He's just turned 11 and honestly the past few months he's matured like I cannot believe. I don't know if it's hormones or a massive synaptical explosion or what - but it's fab. :)

Original poster
PosiesOfPoison · 27/10/2011 13:50

Grrr....I could have bumped into you if my mother hadn't ruined all of my plans!!

[waves at Jenai]

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