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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A jem has come up: is it unreasonable and what do you all do? Warning, I consider it petty.

137 replies

architien · 25/10/2011 10:34

Ok this is a bit weird but I've been "put in my place" (as she will see it) by my step mother last night. On Father's day I sent a printed card with a picture of myself and the grandchildren to wish my dad a happy father's day. Apparently, although unwilling to say anything himself after all these months Shock , my step mother tells me that it was deeply hurtful to only send one card (?!) rather than one from grandchildren and one from myself. The grandchildren were both under two and I had only just given birth to my second child at the time.
Was it hurtful? What do you lot do? Christmas is coming in two months I don't want a repeat of this conversation with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
architien · 25/10/2011 20:52

DH and I are currently voting for the mad & bad cocktail explanation.

Maybe she does want to drive a wedge but it's not thrilling enough on it's own therefore she drops this bit of information in order to create a drama?

I remember as a child she was at times quite caustic and would fly off the rails but I left when I was 18 so maybe I've forgotten how dangerous she can be.

I've called Moonpig they assure me that they were all sent and have reprinted. The thing that sticks out like a sore thumb for me is that she could describe the father's day card that I did send yet my Dad blankly says he didn't see.

Gawd I'm going to have to share a house with my young children with this woman. I need to get prepared I think with techniques such as Kat. (Thank you!)

OP posts:
DumSpiroScaro · 25/10/2011 22:27

Just a thought for future correspondence - is there a friend or other family member nearby that you could confide in and maybe send things there for them to drop round to your dad in person?

I know it's a bit convoluted but you'd have a certain amount of peace of mind and it would piss her right off!

BootyMum · 25/10/2011 22:53

OP I was just wondering how you find your father at the moment? I was struck by his apparently random offering of his sofa to you but you say you already have one and live quite a distance away...

I guess what I'm wondering is do you think your father might be confused? Is it possible that he has received your cards but has forgotten?

I'm sorry if this seems insensitive but is it a possibility at all do you think that your stepmum is telling the truth and he was upset at believing he had only one card? And now he's forgotten and feels differently?

blackeyedsusan · 25/10/2011 23:03

for god's sake, never let her have power of attourney!

MrBloomsNursery · 25/10/2011 23:18

Hmm what a strange woman. What did you do for her on mother's day?

fedupofnamechanging · 25/10/2011 23:32

Personally, I would send everything recorded delivery in future. If nothing else, you'll be able to prove that you sent it.

I think you should get your dad on his own and tell him properly (without joking) what you suspect. she may be his wife, but you are his daughter and if she is causing him pain by hiding the things that you have sent, then he needs to be made aware of it, however upsetting it might be.

pigletmania · 25/10/2011 23:35

YANBU your step mum is barmy. Its none of her business tbh, between you and your dad.

pigletmania · 25/10/2011 23:39

She sounds like a nasty piece of work, cant you go away with just you, your dad and grandkids.

2rebecca · 25/10/2011 23:41

She sounds mad. It's this sort of control thing than makes me think all adults should insist on opening their own post. In future you'll have to phone and check he got the card after you send one. I would also tell him that his wife could describe the card to you and say you suspect she has hidden them and ask if he always opens his own post.
I only send my dad a card from me. He isn't my husband or my kids' dad, he's mine.
Birthday cards come from all the family (but just 1 card between us, card companies make enough as it is) but fathers' day is just for fathers.

twooter · 25/10/2011 23:48

I was thinking along the same lines as bootymum..When did you last see him?

Original poster
architien · 25/10/2011 23:53

That's a good idea DSS I've got an 86year old granddad and I can just say that "Moonpig system clearly doesn't like your postcode so I thought I'd try Granddad's" Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
architien · 26/10/2011 00:01

booty & twooter I speak to him roughly once a week on the phone and last saw him in August and he seemed compos mentus then.

I've not done anything for her for mother's day as she isn't my mum nor did she raise us (she lived elsewhere). She has four of her own children for that.

Wherever my Dad goes she feels the need to come with him so uninviting her would be a problem.

OP posts:
doinmummy · 26/10/2011 20:23

My Mum has two cards that she alternates each year for my Dad's birthday...he's never twigged!!

Your SM sounds poisonous

Good luck x

piratecaaaaaaaaaghhht · 27/10/2011 16:05

occured to me last night, but why don't you send handwritten cards. Surely for your dad it's more personal, and maybe she has a beef with that? It would only mean two a year Fathers day and birthday.

KatAndKit · 27/10/2011 16:11

It is deeply unreasonable that your two children are not yet able to write and post their own cards. You should have educated them better already.

She does realise if you sent two cards then it would still have been you writing and sending both of them?

However, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your children are able to write cards, but chose to send their card to their own dad instead of sending one to yours!

I used to send my Nana a card on Mothers day when I was little but I don't think it is in the slightest bit hurtful not to send one. And it's very petty to make such a fuss about a card.
Perhaps you can use the Moonpig site to create a special Stepgranny card for her next Mothers day? Bet she would love that!

AnnieLobeseder · 27/10/2011 16:14

Since when do grandchildren send grandparents cards for Mothers/Fathers Day anyway?

Barking!

Original poster
architien · 27/10/2011 16:15

I used to do this every year without fail but my Dad said he couldn't read my handwriting as it was too small so the following year I tried to write bigger but then I got a comment after that Christmas about that. Sigh. I saw a tele ad for Moonpig and the rest is history. Dad says he has received the reprints that the company sent and sounded quite pleased. He said he's going to frame one (the Father's Day one with front as a photo of grandchildren and I). It's a relief to know that he now realises that I care! Goodness only knows what to make of the step mother though Confused

OP posts:
HappyCamel · 27/10/2011 16:17

YANBU, obviously.

FIL gets one card, which is more than he got from his son before I got involved. My stepfather gets two cards, but because we want to emphasise that he's a fully fledged granddad, even though DD isn't a blood relative.

I suspect that might be a concern for your step mum and she's playing it out over father's day but really means mother's day. Very passive aggressive.

LaPruneDeMaTante · 27/10/2011 16:20

You do have to watch her. That's very mental behaviour and all the more worrying as you all get older and he will at some point need either her or some help from elsewhere.

I'd be inclined to let her know that I had my eye on her. I'm thinking Robert de Niro in Meet the Parents.

ledkr · 27/10/2011 16:25

Why dont you be extra sarcastic and send separate cards for him and her form each member of the family (you could get a cheap pack) how funny would that be. My friend had a terrible mother but always picked out the most ridiculously ott card ever to send to her.She found it amused her.

Tianc · 27/10/2011 16:31

Sorry, are you suggesting she's actually mentally ill? Cos that will be a whole other issue.

Or are you using "mental" as slang for "nasty"? In which case, perhaps better to use a word which doesn't conflate the two?

LaPruneDeMaTante · 27/10/2011 16:34

Mentally ill.
Yum, thanks.

Tianc · 27/10/2011 16:49

Dunno, she just sounds controlling and nasty to me. But I guess there's no way of knowing if there's some issue underlying that.

KatAndKit · 27/10/2011 16:50

can nobody say anything anymore without being called offensive?

The phrase "mentalling" is used often on the Conception board to describe the state of mind in early pregnancy before your 12 week scan. Are we offending the mentally ill too?

LaPruneDeMaTante · 27/10/2011 16:59

I saw it like this:
She hid 2 years' worth of cards.