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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A jem has come up: is it unreasonable and what do you all do? Warning, I consider it petty.

137 replies

architien · 25/10/2011 10:34

Ok this is a bit weird but I've been "put in my place" (as she will see it) by my step mother last night. On Father's day I sent a printed card with a picture of myself and the grandchildren to wish my dad a happy father's day. Apparently, although unwilling to say anything himself after all these months Shock , my step mother tells me that it was deeply hurtful to only send one card (?!) rather than one from grandchildren and one from myself. The grandchildren were both under two and I had only just given birth to my second child at the time.
Was it hurtful? What do you lot do? Christmas is coming in two months I don't want a repeat of this conversation with her.

OP posts:
DrinkYourWeakLemonDrinkNow · 25/10/2011 10:48

'Fathers Day' The clue is in the title Confused She sounds like she's spoiling for a fight. Not only is it totally a non argument she's dredged it up months later to boot. Poor you she sounds ghastlySad

mistlethrush · 25/10/2011 10:49

So, did she send a card to congratulate you on the birth of your new baby? Did she send one to the baby? and did your DF send a separate card to the two of you for the same event? If not, I would kick up a serious fuss. Grin

Jacksmania · 25/10/2011 10:49

"deeply hurtful"?

To be remembered on Father's Day by his DD and grandchildren? When his DD has just given birth and could justifiably have had more on her mind than sending a card?

Sorry - your dad's a loon of he really felt that was deeply hurtful.
And your stepmother - barking. AND without manners.

DoMeDon · 25/10/2011 10:50

No it wasn't U to send one card. If he is hurt by it, then he is entitled to his feelings but being daft. I would speak to him directly, in a nice way, not to drop DSM in the poop, but DF and I are close so you may not be able to.

To DSM, I would say 'Thanks for letting me know. I'm sorry DF was upset. I had just given birth and thought DF would be more understanding. Oh well, nevermind, I'll make sure I (either one of the following, depending on what you want to do:) he knows I only send one card from now on as it saves money/trees/me from getting RSI OR I send 2 cards so he feels like a spweshial daddykins' huge Grin

I think everything is what you make it - view this as a snide attempt to put you in your place or see it as her being over protective.

I send one from us and one from DC as my DF does lots for us and I like to spoil him.

CurrySpice · 25/10/2011 10:51

I suspect your dad wasn't "deeply hurt". I suspect your SM is just stirring

YANBU but your step mom most certainly is

FancyForgetting · 25/10/2011 10:59

She is BVVVVU, not a little bit bonkers and probably stirring to boot - I don't know of anyone over the age of 8 who considers the number of cards they receive as that important. And the card sounds lovely, personal and thoughtful.

YABVVVVU too - what are you doing on here when you should be signing your babies up for a Calligraphy class, there isn't much time until Christmas, you know Grin

LydiaWickham · 25/10/2011 10:59

YANBU- but you know that don't you? You sent your father a card. I'm sure your DCs sent their father a card, unless your Dad actually takes on rather a parental role with his DGC, then why would he expect a card from them on fathers day?

Send one christmas card from the family, I would normally send a second, small gift from DS to each of my parents, so perhaps some choccies etc.

I'd also call her bluff and tell your dad you're sorry to hear he was deeply hurt, explain that you consider a card from his DD was enough, and your DCs were sending cards to their father, and perhaps he should talk to you directly at the time if he's deeply hurt by your behaviour, rather than stewing, as that way you can explain your infant children didn't mean to snub their granddad...

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 11:02

Christmas?

Send a 'to all of you' card from 'all of us' that should cover all bases

Gonzo33 · 25/10/2011 11:04

Blimey, we send one from us and all the kids.

YWBVVU to send a Fathers Day card from the Grandchildren when it should have been just from you though and not a separate one on Grandparents day in September wonders who thinks these things up [cheeky emoticon]

mumtofourkids · 25/10/2011 11:06

Yanbu but similar thing happened here. On dd1 first Christmas we sent dh grandparents a nan and grandad card from us and a handmade card with great nanny and grandad written on it from dd. Mil called us to tell us how upset they were not to have a card with great grandparents printed on it Confused. We always send two shop bought cards now, it just isn't worth the argument.

Trills · 25/10/2011 11:08

One from the dog?

startail · 25/10/2011 11:10

She's bonkers.
My family get between 0-3 cards for any given event, dependent on whether I remember and whether the DDs spot in the shop or decide to make additional greetings.

worraliberty · 25/10/2011 11:11

Tell her you gave the kids the money to buy him a card but they ate it, and also mention the newborn was too lazy to walk to the shop with the toddler Hmm

Wooooooooooooooppity · 25/10/2011 11:13

She is a fucking idiot.

You are not responsible for sending cards from children. That's wifework that she's trying to force you into. If your DC's want to send separate cards for birthdays, christmas etc. in future, that's fine, but don't put yourself under any pressure to do so.

Given that Royal Mail have just been given permission to charge whatever they want for a first class stamp, this may become more of a pressing issue in future. [hgrin]

OTheHugeWerewolef · 25/10/2011 11:14

My stepmother has a similarly helpful habit of informing me, sometimes in the form of unexpected abusive phonecalls, when I've apparently done something to offend my father.

As the things I do that apparently offend him never seemed to offend him before he married her, I can only conclude that either my father had a personality transplant when he remarried, turning him from a laid-back and tolerant man into a thin-skinned, petty mass of silently simmering resentment.

Families, eh Hmm

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 11:15

Send an email card to cut postage then!

SilveryMoon · 25/10/2011 11:15

WTF????? I don't even sign the card to my dad on Father's Day from my ds's. he's not their Father, he's mine, therefore he gets a card from me and my dp gets a card from his children.
Anything else is just odd isn't it???
Why would your dc's send a card on father's day to someone who isn't their Father???

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 25/10/2011 11:17

Blimey, she's been worrying about this SINCE JUNE?!?! I think we need to come up with a few more things to get her knickers in a twist about. Sounds like she has an insanely dull life!

Um... I'll start... Send the flimsiest, cheapest Christmas cards you can find (preferably ones where the picture and/or envelope has slightly faded) or, if you still have spares, exactly the same one you sent last year (noone else would care, or notice, but she would!), her Christmas present should be an obvious re-gift or still have the 'half price' sticker on it...

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 25/10/2011 11:21

I'm afraid my reply would have been "My father is not the father of my children, therefore he gets no fathers day card from them."

madam52 · 25/10/2011 11:22

what hope have we stepmothers of improving our reputation with stereotypical wicked stepmothers like her? I mean for gods sake you have left home and have a family of your own and she is still trying to stir it between you and your dad Confused and Sad.

YaMaYaMa · 25/10/2011 11:24

Last Mother's day, I ended up having to shell out for 6 bloody cards. A card from me to my Mum, me to my Nan, DD to my Mum, DD to my nan, DH to his Mil and DD to Mil.

Wtf! I don't mind so much but if anyone was arsey to me if I didnt do it, I'd ensure they only ever got the one card in future.

Hurtful? Pfft!

madam52 · 25/10/2011 11:24

and yes she would definitely get the candle christmas card from the bottom of the box off me Grin

cuttingpicassostoenails · 25/10/2011 11:27

This is not about a card. This is about a slender, sharp little wedge. A wedge that your step mother is inserting between you and your father. This little wedge will get bigger and fatter as time goes on.

My suggestion is that you confront dear step mother with her wedge...ask her just what she is trying to do and why.

worldgonecrazy · 25/10/2011 11:29

I don't know your particular family circumstances, such as how many grandchildren there are. I do know that it made my Dad's world when he got a Happy Fathers' Day card from his first and only grandchild, who he had waited 70 years to meet. So in a similar situation your stepmother would not have been being unreasonable.

In most other situations I think she is just spoiling for a fight.

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 25/10/2011 11:31

No you're not BU

She's a loon and bonkers to boot

You are now at liberty to ignore any future opinions from her should you so wish.

Wine