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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A jem has come up: is it unreasonable and what do you all do? Warning, I consider it petty.

137 replies

architien · 25/10/2011 10:34

Ok this is a bit weird but I've been "put in my place" (as she will see it) by my step mother last night. On Father's day I sent a printed card with a picture of myself and the grandchildren to wish my dad a happy father's day. Apparently, although unwilling to say anything himself after all these months Shock , my step mother tells me that it was deeply hurtful to only send one card (?!) rather than one from grandchildren and one from myself. The grandchildren were both under two and I had only just given birth to my second child at the time.
Was it hurtful? What do you lot do? Christmas is coming in two months I don't want a repeat of this conversation with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
architien · 25/10/2011 13:48

SickleBoo I can't be sure that this has happened for all cards, but he says he has not received the cards yet she knows I "only" sent one for Father's Day as she made reference to the photo on the front so surely that rules out the Moonpig hasn't sent it/lost in the post theory.

Bamboozled.
Tis a mystery........

Hopefully he will get them all now and realise that I had remembered each event with a nice photo print card (some quite funny others cute etc).

God help me for this weekend away in three weeks though.

Flippin' heck!

If this is what has happened (any other theories gratefully welcomed...really!) is it sociopathic behaviour? Should I be addressing this differently/watching this space...oh hell!

OP posts:
onequestion · 25/10/2011 13:55

So he hasn't received any of the cards of the last few years, or just didn't get the one you'd sent on Father's Day?

She sounds horrendous and very jealous and I feel sad for you.

oldraver · 25/10/2011 13:57

Oh I see you have already spoken to him. I would quote Imperials post to your Father in front of your SM and add that your really sorry he hasn't received all the other carefully chosen cards you have sent in the past. You dont have to be accusing just say your annoyed with Moonpig SM and will be
chasing it up to see what happened

Katisha · 25/10/2011 14:20

Something odd going on I'd say.
Has she demonstrated any other odd behaviours? YOu say in OP that she will be thinking of herself as putting you in your place...

Original poster
architien · 25/10/2011 14:26

Katisha she tends to say astoundingly hurtful things at prize times but paints it as being "herocly honest".

She really doesn't have a saint's track record unfortunately.

OP posts:
ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 25/10/2011 14:35

I would call him back. Now.

I would ask him why she phoned you berating you for sending one card (and being able to describe it in detail) ? Ask him why she is hiding the cards from him.

He is your Dad, do not let this bitch come between you.

Do it.

FetchezLaVampire · 25/10/2011 14:50

LLVCC.C

FetchezLaVampire · 25/10/2011 14:52

Ooops- that was DS!

Original poster
architien · 25/10/2011 14:52

Confused @ LLVCC.C

OP posts:
Original poster
architien · 25/10/2011 14:53

Ah!

OP posts:
FetchezLaVampire · 25/10/2011 14:57

I'm sure he meant to put "YANBU"!

Original poster
architien · 25/10/2011 14:58

Chippin Ordinarily I'd be of the camp where you just phone up and sort it but I'd be concerned about causing a huge argument because:

  1. My dad has to live with this woman everyday, I don't want to make his life hell.
  2. We've got this weekend break coming up and I'm not sure I can think of any other theories to explain this weird turn of events yet.
  3. What if this is the beginning of the display of sociopathic behaviour (or the first time I've noticed as I've been living a long way away since 18)? Is there a special way I should be dealing with this in terms of safety of everyone concerned?
OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 25/10/2011 14:58

Don't accuse SM of any wrong doing with cards. She'll never, ever admit she hid/destroyed then and she would have a field day about what an evil-minded girl you are to your Dad. Send them all through to your Dad and he can make his own mind up as to where they might have gone.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 25/10/2011 15:48

Bollocks to that.

I wouldn't let anyone come between me & my Dad.

I would phone him, tell him that I'm sorry he's been upset by all of this, then ask him how, if she wanted hiding them from him, she could have possibly known that you sent one from all of you. There's no doubt she's hiding them from him is there.

I can understand you not wanting to upset things between them, but you haven't, she has. If she's doing this to him, what else is she doing???

It's a weekend v your relationship with your Dad... which is more important?

Is there a special way of dealing with it - ... yes, now because otherwise you may feel the need to thwack her one when you see her.

LizaTarbucksNonSmokingAuntie · 25/10/2011 17:12

Well said, no one messes with me and My Dad either.

DumSpiroScaro · 25/10/2011 17:23

Talk you your Dad direct. My MIL pulls this kind of bollocks between family member and I've only just woken up to it after 15 years Angry.

Straight to/from the horses mouth is the way to go, and if she doesn't like it - tough shit!

My MIL hates that I keep in touch with younger BIL and his family independently of her which gives me an enormous sense of satisfaction!

DumSpiroScaro · 25/10/2011 17:27

She does sound like a piece of work! No further advice but you have my sympathy.

Hope your weekend turns out ok.

Original poster
architien · 25/10/2011 17:30

I gave him another call and he said he didn't like to say anything about the cards as I had more than enough on my plate at the time. I didn't point fingers. I did ask if he was ok with receiving one card for events from all of us until the children are old enough to want to make/choose their own. He said "of course". I think he was quite confused (as am I) about the whole thing then an awkward silence followed by being asked if I wanted his old sofa [random face as I've got a lovely sofa and live a long way away]. Lol.
I've told him to look forward to the post for two years of cards and then made a joke about how strange it was that he hadn't seen any but yet step mother knew I had sent a lovely family picture on the front of his Father's day card.
I think I've got to watch her.
I'm not looking forward to having to watch her on the weekend away Sad but I'll not let her drive a wedge.
Advice on how to get the through the weekend away gratefully received.

OP posts:
Katisha · 25/10/2011 19:35

Well in terms of advice I would advise using the classic Mumsnet response when she is being "heroically honest" ie plain rude.
Say "Gosh that sounded rude. Did you mean it to be rude?"

Then when she says she speaks as she finds, or thinks honesty is teh best policy or some other self-righteous bollocks you say "but sometimes you can hurt peoples feelings being so honest can't you. Is it really worth it or does just make you feel better?"

In other words, don't let her get away with saying outrageous things.

ReindeerBollocks · 25/10/2011 19:45

I second Katisha, do pull her up on her rudeness when you are away, with the above polite MN comments.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work, it's a shame your father has no idea what a bitch his wife is. I bet he will adore the cards when they arrive, and the photos will be able to indicate exactly when you sent them!

warthog · 25/10/2011 19:54

i third katisha.

and i just can't believe what a fucking awful woman she is!!!

sorry, but i do think your dad needs to know that she's doing this.

zukiecat · 25/10/2011 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBaggins · 25/10/2011 19:58

Feck me sideways Shock - she has hidden the cards !!!!!
Bloody hell what a loon !
Send any future cards signed for - that will stump her Grin

diddl · 25/10/2011 20:37

But if she has hidden cards, why would she mention anything to OP?

Could "Moonpig" be at fault?

BOOareHaunting · 25/10/2011 20:44

YANBU - she sounds barking Grin

On Mothers Day I give my Mum a card and on fathers day I give my dad one and DS gives him the one he's made at school. Usually writes Happy Special Day. (no dad around).

Now he's 7yo he likes to give his own cards (xmas/b'days) but he can make them or write a cheap one from the box if he wants.