AIBU to have just realised that I have been sexual assaulted many times

[PippiLongBottom]

I had extremely large breasts as a young teen. I was a 30DD at 13 and my size 8 hour glass figure was very popular with the boys .

At 19 I had my breasts reduced on the NHS because my head was fucked.

It is only with many years of hindsight (I am 36) thanks to Mumsnet and a recently developed feminist perspective that I realise that all the 'incidents' that happened to me were sexual assaults/grooming and not my fault.

I have fb'd one of the cuntslprits tonight.

FFS @ Bupcakes.

Not at you, I mean at what happened..and 'what were you wearing'. WTF does that have to do with it

I know, flippin. My mum did this and then started spluttering with rage. This was sixteen years ago. You'd hope things had progressed but no.

It makes me mad too slightlymad. Don't blame you.

flippinada at my school you learned never to bend over, if you did you'd get your bottom slapped/pinched, or if you had a loose/long skirt on, a boy would fling it over your head so everyone saw your underwear.

I haven't thought about this stuff for years. My school was like a bloody zoo.

I don't know how old you are Bupcakes, but I'm in my mid 30s, same as the OP and I think, if anything it's got worse.

and the assaults didn't just happen to girls with big breasts

Sorry to hear about these thoughts, I hope you are not blaming yourself for not realising and that you won't get depressed about it.

It has made me think of a christian and feminist woman at work who claims to be all about fairness for women, but who also went on a 20 minute rant about one of her student's breasts being 'too obvious' as if she could control their size.. so it just shows how entrenched and instinctive feeling some of these ideas are.

Hatesponge you have jsut reminded me of 2 teachers at my school, the science teacher would 'drop' his penci when walking past a girl who was leaning over a table (very large tables that you needed to stretch across to get to the equipment which was place in the middle by him) so he could look up her skirt.

The male PE teacher would 'help' support girls whilst they where doing hand stands and would also walk into the changing rooms when the girls where getting showered.

This was known by all staff and pupils but nothing was ever done. The girls learnt to never bend over tables or do handstands and the staff just turned a blind eye.

In fact one of my teachers (not one of the mentioned) was found guilty of having sex with a pupil.

Now thats a zoo!

I also HATE the "sexy" hen night trend. Don't kid me that women enjoy dressing in cheapo bits of polyester and glitter and getting letched at by sub-standard men. I'm sure that some will come on here to tell me that I Am Wrong but if they look deep enough, they know that they only think that they enjoy it.

FFs.. that ^ is exactly the point I was trying to make last night about the feminist and their belief that because they think something, then any woman who disagrees with them isnt capable of even knowing their own mind.

Guess what.. plenty of women do actually enjoy having fun, dressing up in risque clothes, and having a banter with blokes. It does not mean that they are giving the blokes permission to touch them. Some women enjoy flirting, and dont mind getting looked at by men. We dont need to look any deeper.

You say "I am sure someone will tell me I am wrong", because yes, you are wrong, and by your very statement, you are the one being insulting to other women by suggesting they are incapable of knowing what to think.

Sorry, just worked out from your post how old you must beBupcakes. D'oh!

Hatesponge I had similar. I was horrible. I remember getting sexual insults etc from about age 11/12. This was considered entirely normal. I was once out with my mum and Step-Dad and some boys followed me making cude sexual comments etc. I answered back in kind (Fuck off pencil dick kind of thing).

Step Dad heard some of it and was really shocked. When I explained why I was doing it he was furious (with the boys) and said good for you.

This has also reminded me of an incident I had on a bus a coupel of months back (in fact I posted about it on MN). Some teenage boys on a bus were being foul, one of them grabbed my hair and I went nuclear on him (verbally)- the little shit got the fright of his life.

What a horrid thing to happen to you Pippi

Some of the comments on this thread are vile and there is absolutely no need whatsoever for them.

I have a large bust, started to develop at 11yrs. Senior school was awful, as was having to do PE with size 32E breasts.

I'm now 36G and hate my breasts. I often find men talking to them and not me. Idiots.

Pippi - I really hope that you can find a way to heal. Your story is so sad to read. xx

Guess what.. plenty of women do actually enjoy having fun, dressing up in risque clothes, and having a banter with blokes. It does not mean that they are giving the blokes permission to touch them. Some women enjoy flirting, and dont mind getting looked at by men. We dont need to look any deeper.

Here here!!

missing, that's just made me think of one of our teachers ranting at a girl in my class that she should wear a 'decent' minimiser bra (we all wore very boring thick-strap white sports bras, it's not as if she was wearing anything particularly noteworthy before!). I'd forgotten all about it and had no idea back then that minimiser bras are actually quite painful ... it's awful thinking what we just accept without knowing any better.

OP, I have also replayed some stuff from my earlier years and thought the same. Unfortunately, and perhaps it is still the same, young women were often treated in this way (e.g. groped on Tube, hands on bottom by boss when I was young, exposed at by naked flasher, had wedgie/thong pulled in pub garden). I won't even go into the more serious stuff.

I found that once I was a bit older and more confident and on a night out, I was more able to handle encounters with drunk men. It is when you are very young that you are very vulnerable, I wasn't well-endowed at all, but I can imagine this only makes you attract more undesirable attention.

An easy way to tell whetehr something is totally unacceptable is to ask: 'would I be happy for this to happen to my daughter?' or 'would it be fine for my son to do this?' In all those supposedly more 'trivial' examples, I would hate this to involve my children in this way.

tooearly - you are right. Breast size is completely irrelevant.

It's nothing to do with what a woman looks like and is far more to do with the entitlement of (certain) men and boys who think women are a)less human than them and b)objects for their personal entertainment.

I found that once I was a bit older and more confident and on a night out, I was more able to handle encounters with drunk men. It is when you are very young that you are very vulnerable

That IMO is it.

It's about how to put 25 year old heads on 15 year old girls.

"some women have never been assaulted"

Really? I'd be surprised.

sad that a 15yo should need a 25yo head though.

shame men can't just respect that a child is a child no matter how big her breasts, or how confident she seems or even if she is flirting. a child.

Name calling- how clever of you!

It's a shame so many people can't seem to answer a post without twisting what others say to mean something completely different to what their post actually says.

Pity you haven't got anything constructive to say other than stating the obvious about rape and assault.

The OP isn't talking about persistant sexual abuse by a family member of a young child, she seems to me to be talking about one off assaults by strangers or people she knows casually. That is what I am talking about too.

I am just trying to establish why this happens frequently to some women and not others. As some of you have already said, it still happens when you are not dressed in revealing clothes etc. And I know it can happen to any woman.

Establishing if there was a pattern to abusive relationships or assaults isn't blaming the victim, it is about trying to find out if her low self esteem or patterns in childhood realtionships may have caused her to "allow" herself to be caught in situations with men that take advantage.

We all know in an ideal world no woman would be assaulted or raped and all men would show respect and treat women with it. But we live in a world where that doesn't always happen. You are living in a fantasy world if you think there is nothing you can do to protect yourself though- and I know we shouldn't have to, but we are talking about reality not ideal feminist fantasies. (I am talking about serious assault- not bra strap twanging)

And women frequently sexually harass men too- I have seen this on nights out where groups of women pinch mens bottoms and make suggestive comments in equal measures to men).

Onefatcat - are you trying to mess with the OP's mind? Been following this from last night and you have repeatedly addressed the 0P asking what it is about her that attracts this sort of attention. Why would you do this, as though you are trying to suggest she is in someway to blame.

It was only a few weeks ago I'm sure that there was a thread on MN somewhere from a mum worried that her DD had her breasts groped at school - a practice that must have been commonplace because it had it's own slang term (which I forgot.) So, it looks like the phenomenon hasn't gone away, that it's still not considered "acceptable" to sexually assault girls and young women and I fear in many cases, parents and peers still aren't believing them when it happens.

I think the not believing bit comes from being unable to contemplate that someone you care about could have been hurt in this way and bizarrely thinking if you can convince them that what happened didn't, or wasn't that bad, that it will make it all better. It doesn't. No way. Perhaps other girls also deny their friends' experience because if it can happen to their friend, it can happen to them as well. It makes them feel vulnerable so they have to convince themselves and their friend that what happened wasn't so bad, or was even their fault. Sadly, I don't think this has changed much.

Warm thoughts to all those who have experienced sexual attacks, whether they were aware at the time of the hurtfulness and wrongness, or it's something that has come to them later. It's shit, it just is truly shit.

onefatcat - I can help you here, I think. The pattern to abusive relationships/situations is that they always occur in the presence of an abuser. Just as rape always involves a rapist. Now we know that, we can start looking at how to stop abusers abusing and the problem will be solved.

I am NOT suggesting she is to blame!

Why do some women stay in abusive marriages while some get out? This must be down to the woman surely? Self esteem?

I think schools could do a lot more.

There ought to be some sort of national discussion about this. Teenagers spend a huge amount of time in school, it is an idea place to nuture some kind of approprate behaviour.

At my DDs comprehensive there is zero tolerence about sexual innuendo/touching etc.

sorry ideal place not idea