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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should not have her dress unzipped by another man in the pub?

131 replies

KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 19:28

My sis has just met a new man. He's lovely by all accounts. Yesterday, she went to her friends wedding, and afterwards went on to meet new man plus friends in a pub. She wasn't drunk (muslim wedding) but a couple of the friends were hammered apparently.

So she's having a drink with new man plus 3 of his friends in a pub, and they're (drunkenly) giving her quite a hard time - for being the the only girl there - lots of innuendo about her & new man (their friend). She laughed it all off - as banter.

But then new man went to the bar and one of the friends went to give my sis a 'hug' while chatting to her in a friendly way, but undid her dress - ie. unzipped a smart (suitable for wedding) strapless dress (she had worn a jacket over it for the wedding) - unzipped it from the top to her mid back, so the dress flopped forwards. He then immediately zipped it back up, but my sis took herself away to other side of the bar and cried her eyes out.

She composed herself, and went back and when new man asked her where the hell she had been, she explained, and promptly burst into tears again. She ids very upset - her new man was adorably apologetic.

She is still upset. Am I unreasonable to think this is totally our of order thing for a friend of a 'new man' to do to her in a London pub?

OP posts:
diddl · 23/10/2011 21:30

The new man was originally joining in the "banter"?

Think I´d leave him tbh.

Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 21:36

No, new man did not join in the banter - I've quizzed sis about this too - evidently he didn't do too much to stop it either. I think this is the most 'food for thought' my sis has taken away from this thread. How far is he responsible for the behaviour of his mates?

OP posts:
ravenAK · 23/10/2011 21:36

I actually hope I'd be calling the police tbh.

She has his name, it happened in a pub full of witnesses. It was assault.

At the very least I'd be tempted to run the idea past new man, to see how he reacted to the thought of his charming mate getting a visit from the cops.

OP's sister, what a rotten thing to happen. Furious on your behalf.

AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 21:36

Your sis would be best advised to just never spend any more time in the company of men like this, now she has had her warning

and that includes her boyfriend

sorry, OP's sis

your boyfriend keeps bad company

your boyfriend is bad company

best you get out now

hatesponge · 23/10/2011 21:43

This was the sort of crap teenage boys in the area where I grew up used to do all the time. You learned never to wear anything halternecked or with tie straps without double (or triple) knotting first Hmm

Pretty sad to think that there are adult males who haven't grown out of this adolescent stuff though. It never made me cry back then but it bloody used to get on my nerves, and the culprit would get a slap. And probably a bit of verbal abuse.

Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 21:43

APF I think that is what sis is totally struggling with tbh. He is lovely, he reacting with suitable distain.

Is it enough - does she have to get rid of lovely bloke ( and believe me she is thinking about it now) just because some twatty friend of his v drunkeny undid her dress?

Is his mate to be tarred with the same brush. She is still upset about it and doesn;t know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 21:45

Btw, she has said the 'made her cry' thing was mainly due to the pure embarrassment of him thinking it was it ok to it...

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 21:45

even if bf isnt like that, he must know that his mates are a bunch of sexist tossers... I would not want to see him again to be honest, as if he has known these blokes a long time, he is not going to dump them for the sake of a new girlfriend..

How old are they by the way?

Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 21:48

New man is 27. Don't know about the mates - sis gone home now.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 23/10/2011 21:48

"How old are they by the way?"

I was wondering that.

They sound like a bunch of schoolboys, or drunken rugger buggers. Or perhaps they come from a backward environment?

They are not observant muslims, since they were drinking alcohol, so that must be a red herring.

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 23/10/2011 21:48

No I don't think she should dump him. I think if he thinks his friend was funny or she over reacted she should dump him. If his is shocked, embarrassed and horrified by his friend then she should stick with him.

For now Wink

notmyproblem · 23/10/2011 21:50

Koukla, I think your sis can be assured that if this mate is a good mate of new man, then new man knows exactly what kind of man this mate is. That does not bode well. If he were a friend of a friend or a not-very-close acquaintance, then new man's naivety might be excused. But the mate's a good mate, right? Alarm bells here.

Life's too short and the world is too full of other great men to put up with the groping and assault of one man, and the after-the-fact mortification of his mate New Man. And why exactly what he mortified? Because his friend assaulted his new girlfriend, or because his friend embarrassed him and her in a pub? Hmm

Heresthescarything 's post is worth repeating:

because as far as certain men are concerned, she is not a person in her own right, she belongs to the 'new man' and it is to the new man that he has to answer to, this is why he waited til the owner of the woman was out of sight and why he contacted the owner of the woman to apologise for the fact that what he did made her cry (note, not apologising for what he did, just that it caused a reaction)

Get rid.

Whatmeworry · 23/10/2011 21:52

I don't think this is a "leave him" thing yet, but it is certainly a Stern Words thing and an If That Happens Again Its Assault and Cops, Matey and a We'll Never See That Prat Again, Right? thing.

His response will define whether he's a keeper or not.

squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 21:52

I am not sure where it says these blokes are muslim? It says OPs sister went to a muslim wedding... in a different location and then left to go and meet her new fella at a pub. the muslim angle has nothing to do with it from what I have read.

squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 21:55

I would dump him. This is always going to be remembered. Your sister is going to think of it every time he suggests meeting up with his mates.. it will just be awkward. Unless the groping friend makes a very public and very humble apology to her face, and it was out of character behaviour for him, in which case he needs to cut down his drinking.

Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 21:56

No, the blokes in the pub afterwards were not Muslim. The wedding was a Muslim wedding, but my sis met totally different people afterwards and tbh I only mentioned that to illustrate that my sis wasn't drunk.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 21:58

koukla, sweetheart, you nor your sis, should have to prove she was not drunk

even if she was, some entitled twat undoing her dress was wrong wrong wrong

mind out for the "she deserved it" myths

she did not

Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 22:00

notmyproblem I am going to pass your post word for word onto to my sis because I think it is important and hits the nail on head. I don;t want her staying with a waster.

OP posts:
PigletJohn · 23/10/2011 22:00

New bloke should have given his "mate" a severe and loud telling-off in front of everyone, and demanded a public apology.

Some would say he should have had a brawl in the bar, but I don't approve of that

Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 22:03

Thank you AFP - don't know why I did, but I did feel the need to say she wasn't drunk, do n't know whether to be sad, angry or what about that Confused

OP posts:
HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 23/10/2011 22:04

agree with AF. your sister does ot have to prove that she wasn't drunk or that she wasn't flirting or that she 'wasn't asking for it'. (she wasn't btw) she has nothing to prove. your sister did nothing that justifies what he did. there is no reason for any person to remove someone else's clothing without permission (except in a life or death CPR situation). he cannot ever justify what he did, not even as a joke.

brianmayshair · 23/10/2011 22:07

They sound like bullying arseholes who are jealous their mate has a gf. That said I would expect my oh to read friend the riot act and take me home. And drunk friend if he was any sort of a man should have rang Your SIS to apologise not the bloke.

Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 22:16

Sorry, properly reading all replies now sis has gone home. That'sNotMyBabyBelly ~I think that's how she wants to see the situation tbh, and probably the route she'll take for now. She was minimising what had happened to her, and it was only when she she told me & her other other sisters about it that she began to take it seriously. We were Shock

OP posts:
HipHopOpotomus · 23/10/2011 23:03

What heresTheScarey... said!

ImperialBlether · 23/10/2011 23:16

I wouldn't see the man again. What did he mean with "Where the hell have you been?" That attitude would be enough for me not to see him again. If she'd simply seen someone she knew in the pub, she had every right to go and talk to them. If she'd wanted to sit down quietly, she had every right to do that, too.

Her boyfriend knows this guy well. Please don't believe it's the first time he's done something like this. He clearly didn't warn the guy to behave earlier on and didn't tell your sister he was a well known dickhead.

And as for the apology to him, not her...

No, I'd say he'd had his chances.