Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister should not have her dress unzipped by another man in the pub?

131 replies

KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 19:28

My sis has just met a new man. He's lovely by all accounts. Yesterday, she went to her friends wedding, and afterwards went on to meet new man plus friends in a pub. She wasn't drunk (muslim wedding) but a couple of the friends were hammered apparently.

So she's having a drink with new man plus 3 of his friends in a pub, and they're (drunkenly) giving her quite a hard time - for being the the only girl there - lots of innuendo about her & new man (their friend). She laughed it all off - as banter.

But then new man went to the bar and one of the friends went to give my sis a 'hug' while chatting to her in a friendly way, but undid her dress - ie. unzipped a smart (suitable for wedding) strapless dress (she had worn a jacket over it for the wedding) - unzipped it from the top to her mid back, so the dress flopped forwards. He then immediately zipped it back up, but my sis took herself away to other side of the bar and cried her eyes out.

She composed herself, and went back and when new man asked her where the hell she had been, she explained, and promptly burst into tears again. She ids very upset - her new man was adorably apologetic.

She is still upset. Am I unreasonable to think this is totally our of order thing for a friend of a 'new man' to do to her in a London pub?

OP posts:
NormanTebbit · 23/10/2011 20:29

It's ok - I know now what you meant Smile if she's shy she's an easier target. I think I was responding to the general tone of some posts before yours too

But I think women are blamed for the behaviour of men all the time. You shouldn't expect to be humiliated or groped - as you were - because you are dressed a certain way, prone to tears, drunk or alone. There is no excuse.

flippinada · 23/10/2011 20:29

Aargh, this victim blaming stuff always happens on threads where some bloke has done something awful to a woman. It's ridiculous and obnoxious.

Her reaction was quite normal, nothing shameful about it. We all know how we'd like to react but in reality you don't know unless it happens.

Finally, being sexually assasulted and humilated is in no way, shape or form a joke.

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2011 20:33

If the New Man was putting up with the 'banter' (or joining in?) against his new GF by drunken 'friends', then I don't think much of him anyway. And that's before the dress incident.

Malificence · 23/10/2011 20:33

No wonder men get away with truly appalling behaviour with women like troisgarcons and Fabbychic to back them up and blame a woman for being too tempting.

Jesus wept.

Only the very worst sort of men behave like that, if her bloke socialises with them, he's one too, Quint was spot on.

HildaOgden · 23/10/2011 20:34

What a cowardly bloody creep.He undoes her dress while her new man is out of sight,then rings him to apologise?.I'd be upset/embarrassed/stunned into inaction if that happened to me..but 24 hours later I would feel bloody murderous.How dare he do that??!

I'd get his number myself from the boyfriend,then ring the dickwit and let him know,in no uncertain terms,what a low-life,limp dicked little runt of a man I now consider him to be.

Dexifehatz · 23/10/2011 20:35

Because you react with such vitriol at a woman crying with embarrassment, I kinda got the feeling that you would either laugh or put her down verbally in some way.

flippinada · 23/10/2011 20:35

I like that quote from Quint too. By their friends shall ye know them and all that.

Dexifehatz · 23/10/2011 20:36

I don't mind making an arse of myself on here.It's quite liberating!

ionysis · 23/10/2011 20:37

Can't believe no one has yet asked if she was wearing a bra? Of course the guy's behaviour is indefensible in any case but I'd feel a lot more violated if he'd exposed my bare boobs than my M&S underwear.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 23/10/2011 20:39

".He undoes her dress while her new man is out of sight,then rings him to apologise?"

because as far as certain men are concerned, she is not a person in her own right, she belongs to the 'new man' and it is to the new man that he has to answer to, this is why he waited til the owner of the woman was out of sight and why he contacted the owner of the woman to apologise for the fact that what he did made her cry (note, not apologising for what he did, just that it caused a reaction)

makes me fucking furious. Angry

Malificence · 23/10/2011 20:40

The creep wouldn't have known whether she was wearing a bra when he decided to assault her.

I would have cried too, I'd have ripped his fucking head off first, but I definitely would have cried.

BlowHole · 23/10/2011 20:40

Sorry to hear your sister was sexually assaulted while going about her business. No wonder she cried, she must have felt completely humiliated, which was obviously the man's intention. I can't imagine any man among my friends would think that was ok.
Even more shameful that some people on this thread have blamed your sister! I'll have to remember that next time I wear a strapless dress I'll be inviting assault. Cunts.

MeMySonAndI · 23/10/2011 20:40

I agree with Quint's phrase too. If the friends behave like that... chances are the new man is just like that with other women... otherwise he wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out with them..

NinkyNonker · 23/10/2011 20:43

OP's sister was not over reacting, of course not. Personally, it wouldn't make me cry. He'd get a stern word and a quick humiliation in front of new bloke and that'd be that. In a previous career I had the joy of being the only female in a group of 'men' who would have seen this as tame, sadly.

DogsBeastFiend · 23/10/2011 20:44

Ah well, you were mistaken, Dexi. Wink

This sort of thing has happened to me a few times (not because I'm owt special but because of being old now and have done lots of socialising in the past). On one of the more memorable occasions, in a Cardiff bar, a man took a liking to my Southern English accent. Finding his attentions unreciprocated he decided to grab my tits as I walked past him... so I calmly stopped, smiled sweetly at him, gently took his pint from his hand...

... and tipped it over the fuckers head.

I repeated the procedure when another dickhead tried to do the same thing whilst I was helping a friend out by jumping behind her bar one busy night. The assaulting man was fairly new to our local and already unpopular... on that occasion I got a round of applause from the locals! :o

Malificence · 23/10/2011 20:45

My 5ft 2", very petite DD almost broke a man's nose when she turned around and punched him after he tried to grope her bum in a take away queue, his mates laughed at him and said he deserved it but the git in question wanted the police called because he was " just being friendly" Angry

Andrewofgg · 23/10/2011 20:48

Why only almost malificence?

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo · 23/10/2011 20:57

mal, what a prick!! how does he not get the fact that he was doing exactly the same as punching by touching her in a way she didn't want to be touched?

he decided he wanted to touch her bum, fine if he accpets that gives her the right to touch him as she sees fit, her choice of touch is a a punch on the nose. how do these idiots not get this? cant believe he wanted to call the police.

Original poster
KouklaWhooooo · 23/10/2011 21:09

My sis has been here reading these replies with me and she would like to thank you all :) for the vast majority of replies that have supported her.

She did nothing to encourage this behaviour - she is upset and no she didn't slap him/pull trousers down etc - she just wouldn't do that.

Can I just say that her response to this is not the issue here - whether she cried or slapped him doesn't excuse the fact that he undid her dress in the first place, and this is not on?

No, no bra, she is one of the lucky ones who doesn't need to. She is very slim - she assures me that her boobs were not shown to the mass public - but that the fact that he could have exposed her was enough to make her cry.

OP posts:
ionysis · 23/10/2011 21:12

Ah well if she has good boobs I have no sympathy! Grin

TheVampireEmpusa · 23/10/2011 21:16

I knew a bloke like that once, used to think it was hysterically funny to try and undo my corset Hmm I was lucky my friends (and even strangers) always told him where to go. So sorry your sister had to deal with it alone! Men like that shouldn't be allowed out in public.

TheBestWitch · 23/10/2011 21:17

OP's sis. Don't feel bad about crying. I'm a hard faced cow and I've no idea how I would react if someone exposed me in a packed pub deliberately to humiliate me. I might cry, I might shout, I might run out. Your sis is right - your reaction isn't the issue.
Like a pp has said. I hope your new man wasn't condoning his friends 'banter' with you. And I hope he's had serious words with the 'friend' who assaulted you.

DogsBeastFiend · 23/10/2011 21:21

"...whether she cried or slapped him doesn't excuse the fact that he undid her dress in the first place..."

It certainly didn't and it never would.

sheepgomeep · 23/10/2011 21:22

I had my top pulled up in a pub once. I went absolutely ballistic and this man and his dickhead mates just thought it was funny. Hmm

PartyPooperz · 23/10/2011 21:24

Please tell me troisgarcon's name doesn't imply being a parent to three sons. What racist misogynist views must they be feeding off if that's the case? Very sad indeed.

Koukla Sorry for your sis - I don't know whether I'd cry or not in that situation but I know that a sudden attempt to humiliate me in public by attempting to remove my clothing would have elicited a very strong response of some kind because it is just fucking awful. Who does that kind of shit? I certainly wouldn't want to socialise with the tragic fuckwit again. If sis's new bf is decent he will be keeping his distance from the fuckwit in future. I know if one of my friends did this to a friend's partner they had just been introduced to I would be steering well clear for quite some time if not forever.