To wonder if other people feel trapped in a mediocre life

[neepsntatties]

I am not living the life I hoped I would, I am lucky in lots of ways - healthy kids, decent job etc but it all feels a bit bland. I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted and while what I do is not awful I feel a real sense of loss and sadness about it all. Marriage going through a difficult patch, kids lovely but I often feel trapped by them.

Is this just normal? Do other people feel like this? How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

What an interesting thread.

I must admit that I have always lived in mortal fear of living a mediocre life. DH is very similar.

My extended family joke that we don't do anyhting by halves and when I became pregnant with twins, everyone just smiled and said 'well of course.'

I spend a lot of time assessing and reassessing my life, deciding what can be improved, planning how to put those improvements into place. I am a firm believer in writing it all down. Somehow that concentrates the mind.

However I do sometimes wonder if I will ever be sated...my ambitions seem to get bigger and bigger, my definition of mediocre more and more extreme.

I make Lady Macbeth look relaxed.

This thread is somehow very therapeutic, so that you OP for starting it! I am consoled that I'm not the only one feeling this way- far from it by the looks of it! I am torn whether this general feeling of discontent/unrest/a life unfulfilled is a product of our modern consumerist, achievement-based lifestyles, whether it's a product of our generation (where as a woman you have many more opportunities, but still have the ongoing struggle of balancing these with raising a family/running the home etc.etc. which still fall largely on women's shoulders), or whether it's just my own peculiarity. DH cannot empathise, he constantly tells me to be grateful for what we have, especially in comparison to deprived families...And believe me I am grateful, but that does not allay this feeling that this is not the life I have dreamed of. This is not how it was meant to be. Somewhere my path wandered off in a direction I hadn't fully considered or anticipated- or in control of.

Personally I know I am ambitious and I have had to curb much of that to balance my career dreams with the reality of raising a family. I am also a control freak, so I am constantly torn between wanting to be in charge of my little people and the house at all times and wanting to have my own career- the two are almost mutually exclusive it feels unless willing to compromise. So I have compromised. I work part-time, I'm home part-time. I try to be there for my kids, who do fulfill me in a very different way to work. But the juggling erodes much of the enjoyment, and career wise I have stalled, even gone backwards. I fell into the trap of wanting it all, when that is just not possible. A wise friend believes that life occurs over series of phases, and that while raising young children inevitably for many of us they must become the focus of our energies and we must content ourselves with the very different joys and challenges of motherhood. Then as the children get older and more independent there comes the opportunity to invest our energies and ambitions into our careers again. This makes sense by I know I can't expect to get back into my career if I don't keep working at it while raising the family....Plus we feel very tied financially to my working.

I too had hoped for a life less ordinary, and for a while it was, but now I feel like each day is groundhog day, the monotony and ever increasing domesticity of it and juggling is very wearing. And isolating socially. I just hope with time things get easier, or I can find a way of reconciling my internal ambitions.

Reading with much interest! (sorry for epic essay for anyone who had tried to read it)

oops "that you"- "thank you" OP of course! :)

Whta a great thread. I have no ide why I am so miserable and seem incapable of appreciating everyhting I have. Maybe its becasue I think I deserve everything I have because I have worked so hard to get them, so think thta luck played little part ?
I have no goals. I ahve been to every city/countyr I ever wanted. I travelled alot before Uni. And the only one left is Barcelona, and dh and I have just arranged for one of his lovely sisters to have the boys in Spring next yera, so thta we can go for a long weekend.
The drudgery and medicority of life drags me down.
I am going to try and make a list of the little things, that make me happy:

Time on my own
Socialising generally, parties etc.
Being complemented on my cooking
Drinking wine with my friend round the corner
Extremely scarey Fairground rides
Good food. Going to michelin star restaurants with my mum.
Buying a new pair of high heels that make me feel very glam.

I will continue

Good thread. It occurred to me only yesterday that I was living my life as some kind of rehearsal and not seizing the moment. Moments become days and days years and here I am - officially middle aged.

At risk of spouting nonsense, I attended some 'mindfulness' training last year, and I think this helped me to realise that each moment is worthy and not to be wasted. Whatever I'm doing now, e.g. banal example, driving along a road looking at grass, I think - 'Oh nice grass'. It's helped me not to wander through life in a fuzzy autopilot mode.

I've also trained recently for something which I;ve always wanted to do but which is challenging and a bit scary and which plenty of family (when I was younger and more impressionable) and friends have tried to deter me from doing - and it feels good (although still a bit scary!)

I'm at work and haven't had time to read whole thread btw, so I do apologise if I'm going over ground already covered.

I find this thread very sad :( I have never felt my life was not enough.

I have experienced unhappiness of course and I really think those years of having two or more young children (toddler and preschoolers) can be enough to break the most optimistic of people! Now they are both at school I am much happier as life is less stressful. We have suffered huge amounts of debt (about £80k) which we have spent the last 10 years paying off and are 2 months away from completely clearing. Because of this we cannot afford our own home so have had to live with parents which has been very draining. DH has worked his arse off to get to a good position in his career (and he is finally there). But it has taken working weeks of 12+ hour days (sometimes 6 or 7 a week), he rarely takes any of his holiday allowance and we have never had a family holiday until this year which was camping in the rain (although next year we will have a proper one abroad I hope!). So things have been far from perfect in the last 10 years since we got together in our early twenties.

However I have always enjoyed my life even though I have not really done much of note .

I travelled for a year in my early twenties which was great fun and one of the best things I have ever done. I did not go to Uni as I had no idea of what I wanted to do so just did random admin jobs until I had DD at the age of 25. I have never been ambitious in that way. My only ambition for myself has been to be happy (and it is the same ambition that I have for my children). What makes me happy? Well the main things are:-

A wonderful partner - I had my share of rubbish boyfriends but I married the man who I could be completely myself with (and I mean COMPLETELY). Oh and who adored me of course

My children of course :)

Good friends and a fun social life - this is massively important to me and when my children were young and I couldn't get out much not seeing my friends as much brought me down more than anything. I work hard to keep my friendships alive and I organise lots of nights out when others keep forgetting to get around to it . I have just organised a 4 night break in Barcelona for me and 5 girlfriends next April. Having stuff to look forward to is so important.

A well paid job - I only do part time (16 hours) and I managed to get into book keeping which pays well and is highly flexible.

Supportive family - I am lucky here as we have two sets of doting grandparents who help with childcare several times a month.

A couple of short breaks from the kids a year to recharge and reconnect.

Anyway I am not being smug, honest, I am just giving my impression of how I feel about life. It may not be perfect but I only get this one chance to do it so I want to make it the best time possible. For the future I don't have any plans to be honest. I don't think about it at all. If I get there I will make the most I can with what I have. Hopefully I will be well off enough to travel with DH but if not I can still enjoy it :)

As Peter Pan said "To live, to live will be an awfully big adventure"

What an inspiring (and depressing at the same time) thread. I agree with loads of the posts on here about having little things in life to look forward to in order to break life up into manageable chunks. Only have a couple of things to add.

4 years ago my DH had a stroke aged 38 which paralysed him down the whole of one side and wiped out his speech totally, and he has had to learn to walk and talk again. We have a young DS, nearly 4 and I was PG at the time of his stroke. Living with his daily frustrations has made me realise that every step you take unaided and every word out of your mouth that you didn't have to think and struggle to say is a total gift that everyone who has never lived with serious illness takes for granted.

The other is to celebrate all the opportunities that we as modern women are gifted with. Imagine all the women in ages gone by either stuck in stifling, loveless marriages with no prospect of careers to give them their identities, stuck sewing or playing the piano for hours on end and taking a walk their only real thing to take them out of the house. Or stuck in a life of total poverty with no NHS and no benefits system to provide money and healthcare for them or their children.

We are so lucky to have this, and to have the technology that means we can reach out to other women and are not alone, even if we feel it.

Whatever your dream is, do it now -don't wait as you don't know what is around the corner (as so many other posts on this thread have suggested). Or scale down your dream to give you a little bit of achieveable happiness (i.e. in my heart I see myself running a lovely deli or bakery with a cafe attached, chatting with my customers and sharing my love of food and cooking with the community - in my head I know this will never be possible so have scaled back my ambitions to doing the odd baking or cooking course and getting a veg box to stop myself getting stuck in a rut with my cooking).

OP are there any am-dram societies in your area, or any way you could get involved in helping a local school produce their school play etc - might give you local opportunities to meet people until your DCs are older and perhaps you could take on a drama course etc?

If people are stuck with a life they don't want then they could do something about it-even if in a small way. Too many seem to be living through their DCs-if you want your DC to play the piano go and have lessons yourself, if you want them to be centre stage in the school production join an amateur dramatic class yourself etc etc. You only get one life-make the most of it.

too many people are held back by lack of money or lack of childcare

things and opportunities change as kids get older and situations change

dont be too hard on yourself if you cant afford nights out/weekends away/evening classes to improve learning (never mind not having any babysitters to have the kids whilst you're out)

you can only do so much whilst you kids are young and need looking after

insicknessandinhealth i am sorry to hear about your DH's stroke. your comments are very correct.

'The Startling Reality of Being Ordinary' - that was the title of the novel I always planned to write. Because it really does come as a shock. I think when you're little you imagine that life is going to be like something in the movies (even if you have no desire to be a movie star) - someone famous, important, making a difference, achieving something great.

Actually it turns out like most other people's lives, ordinary.

And I know that my life in contrast to some will seem terribly dull but it's what I think about it that counts. Like you I had two young kids, felt trapped, marriage wasn't going well, doing a job I didn't love, few friends, no family nearby.

Over time I've tackled each one. I kicked it off by signing up to sail in an around the world yacht race. I only did one leg but it meant I was away for 6 weeks. My kids were just 3 and 5 at the time. It empowered me and made me realised that I'm not trapped and that I can escape and still do crazy things even though I'm a mum.

I built up and ran a business which allowed me to work around my kids - and have since sold it. I've spent the last two months giving myself time to figure out what I really want to be when I'm big. I realised I still don't know but I do know what my priorities are. And I'm about to buy another business. I've gone for counselling with my husband. I've worked hard to build up a network of friends.

I am still not entirely happy - but I probably never will be, mainly because I don't actually know what it is I want. However, I am slowly learning to appreciate what I've got.

Hang in there. Take some time to write down what you think you might want from life. Then figure out how to get there. It is possible.

I'm in central Scotland. I do actually teach drama but I often find it soul destroying. I don't think I am cut out for it, I love my subject too much.

I never expected such a response to this thread. I feel better knowing I am not alone and inspired reading all your stories. Thank you very much.

But surely if everyone lived an exceptional life, those lives wouldnt be exceptional anymore, just average?
I look at it this way... If I spend my whole life striving for something more, then how will I appreciate what/who I already have?

I have resigned myself to 'so this is it then'.
I have a good job, healthy daughter, a few good friends, my own house etc
but still feel something is missing.
You are not alone x

Isn't this why people who are agnostic or atheist turn to religion - the "Is that all there is?" feeling?

Neepsntatties, thanks for starting this thread.
Another "saddo" here: married to a cruel, selfish, unreasonable man and doing my best to bring up our two lovely DSs. I have a nice job (slightly glamorous) although not well paid and spending my time off cleaning, cooking, playing with the DCs etc. Live in a mediocre house in a shit area.
I know there's a better life for me out there, but am trapped in a difficult situation and at the moment there's no way out.
Eventually we'll divorce and things will be ok, but the happy family life in a beautiful home? That'll never happen.

StopRainingPlease, I'm an atheist and I could never turn to religion just because I can't find the answers that I'm looking for.

I too felt my life had taken me to a place I did not want to be in. I am not entirely blameless for my position. At the age of 54, single and redundant, with 3 grown-up children and one in his mid-teens, I felt desperate. Having searched fruitlessly for a job for 6 months I got up one morning, very early and searched for a job, anywhere in Europe. I found a site for working in ski resorts so I rang a few companies and asked if I was too old. The response was positive, with most so I applied. Three months and a successful interview later I was on my way, by coach, to work as a chalet host in the French Alps.
It was a difficult decision to leave my 14 DS with my married DD but I can truly say it was wonderful. The work was hard and I missed my family but I could ski 6 days out of 7, lost weight, was very fit and I met some wonderful (a few awful) people. I know that this is what keeps me active and I am a much more interesting person. I also have a job at home, which I can leave for 5 months and come back to. Life can be better just think outside the box.

So many of these posts have struck a chord with me. I have put my discontent down to the big 4-0 approaching and DS starting secondary education, now I'm in a kind of limbo and I can't even begin to put my finger on what's wrong.

I feel that somewhere over the last 10 years I have lost my way :(

Am 59 and have never been a high achiever. I have managed to deal with being estranged from two of my children, the deaths of my parents and an unhelpful, thoroughly entitled-feeling 17 year old. Close friendships are few and far between and I have had no man in my life for many years (not for want of either trying or wanting). I do, however, very much enjoy my job and there are things which give me pleasure (like seeing One Man, Two Guvnors earlier this evening - go if you can get a ticket, it's completely zany, brilliant and hilarious, a real tonic). I can see some good things but am currently feeling defeated as I try to make my house look great ready for selling it without any notion of being able to afford anything half decent to replace it. Still, there might be a beautiful sunrise tomorrow, I am slim and healthy. It would be great to feel loved and love in return but DD loves only herself and it is very, very wearing. Wish I leapt out of bed, looking forward to everything - it's only a few years since I did. Lots of good in my life but the black dog is encroaching just now - cue to work harder, play harder. Black dog might be on my shoulder but I don't have to listen to him.

I was lucky to get the chance to move abroad a number of years ago with DH's work. I managed to get a job (which I wasn't expecting) and it has reinvigorated both of us. The change of scene, the travelling, the different cultures have given us so much to think about. I know we have been a lot happier than if we had just stayed in our rut in the UK.

There have been downsides of course and our ageing parents are always on our minds. However overall it has been a marvellous opportunity for us and the DCs.

I've always thought that the greater the expectation, the more education and experience you have, the greater the fall from expectation. My life surpasses by far what most people expect, experience wise, family, holidays, financially and on a general day to day basis. It's just that after an education in London and Cambridge, I was led to expct something absolutely spectacular.

Not trying to be remotely smug btw, just making a comment on expectation and reality.

OP I think you've tapped into what is essentially a lot of what makes up the bulk of many contributions to MN (ie if one is extremely happy/contented/lucky/fulfilled etc they won't be online!!). I too have been through what you and many have described. I also agree with goingmadinthecountry about education and expectations......if you've previously had a first class degree, did skydiving, flew a helicopter and brought down organised crime/performed brain surgery,(just hypothetically), sitting in a suburb doing the laundry, driving on the school runs and only meeting people whose main concern is who is running the bake sale can feel a bit......meh.

My suggestions are only ideas, but maybe some might be useful - write down a list of the things/feelings you miss: is it intellectual stimulation? Being able to earn a higher salary? Meeting more people? Having an exciting/unusual skill? Then write down the number of ways/occupations/activities where you would get these feelings/things back. Then work out how you might go about achieving one or more of them.

I think sometimes the problem is that in being a mother - there is always a downside to the upside; eg you might want to learn to fly a plane (just to give an example), but you worry you might crash and leave the children orphans/motherless, or you can't get childcare while you are learning/logging in flight time, or they cost too much.(Many dads don't worry about this at all - they just go and do what they want. Why is that, I wonder??!) Then you need to be realise - actually flying is statistically no more dangerous than driving on the roads, which is what we do; you need to sort out childcare somehow (which is usually possible at the end of the day); then you need to work out whether you work to save up or cut out on treats for yourself.

If the lack of excitement makes one feel very very low, ultimately it will benefit the kids for one to fulfill their dream - a miserable mum makes a less satisfactory parent than a contented mum. For mums, we often feel a conflict between what we do or spend for ourselves versus what we spend for the children, whereas we need to learn to see it as the big picture - if we invest on flying lessons/holidays abroad/exciting new skills, not only is a happy mum more fun to be around, think of all the lovely stories and anecdotes she has to share with her kids, who love that sort of thing.

HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo - an unMN-like hug for you! I think I know lots of women - from across different backgrounds - who have said some or all of your words at some point, even myself. I don't know how old your DCs are and I do totally sympathise about how men (potentially all men) could get away with no responsibilities, whereas somehow most mothers never lose the sense of responsibility. Have you checked whether you qualify for childcare benefits, credits and vouchers that will enable you to use fulltime/part-time nursery care, afterschool clubs for your older DC, so that you can go back to work and have more freedom (and control over your finances)? I don't know how often your XH has the children but perhaps you could commit him to definitely once a week so that you get some time to yourself.
Also going back to work may enable you to "outsource" (as a friend calls it) some of your chores - eg ironing/cleaning/gardening (where applicable) so that you're not tied down to chores all day and night. I finally did so this year and figured that 10 quid a month was a worthwhile tradeoff - freed up 4 hours of my time a week, and made me happy to see that the work was completed which I could spend on more fulfilling things instead.

haggy you have hit the nail on the head.

I have and do live an exceptional life by most people's reackoning...and yet it doesn't feel that way to me, because I'm living it. It's just ordinary to us. So I set yet more goals.

Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy, a bit of a Pollyanna truth be told but I've nver been content. Always looking forward, forward, forward...