To wonder if other people feel trapped in a mediocre life

[neepsntatties]

I am not living the life I hoped I would, I am lucky in lots of ways - healthy kids, decent job etc but it all feels a bit bland. I've made some big mistakes which mean I am not doing what I wanted and while what I do is not awful I feel a real sense of loss and sadness about it all. Marriage going through a difficult patch, kids lovely but I often feel trapped by them.

Is this just normal? Do other people feel like this? How do I accept my lot and stop feeling sorry for myself?

It has been so enlightening to read this thread. I'm in a similar position to so many of you. I have plenty to be thankful for - a lovely DH, two gorgeous healthy children, a roof over my head.... but I feel so bored and trapped by my life at times. I was convinced I would lead a really interesting life but the older I get, the less interesting it becomes and the fewer prospects I seem to have. I wanted to act but was convinced by teachers at my academic school to do a 'proper degree' so did so. Over the past year I have found myself increasingly wishing I had gone to drama school instead of doing my sensible degree (which, incidentally, I haven't used since graduating 7 years ago!) Unfortunately, two young children and no spare money means I can't just retrain as an actor, and I know deep down it would be selfish of me to jeopardise my family's happiness to pursue my dream of being an actor. Plus, of course, that industry values looks too much for me to make a success of it and as other posters said it feels like it's a young person's game.

When I look around at what some people have to cope with, I realise how very lucky I am and that I need to stop moaning and be grateful for all I have.

I hesitate to write this as it may come across as smug. To put it in context, I have suffered two major bereavements of close friends my age and that shook me up and underscored that 'now' is all we ever have. So make plans for the future, by all means, but be actively putting your dreams and aspirations in motion right now too. DH and I are both over earnest types who never did gap years, worked all the hours God sends. Now older parents with very young children (I'm 43), we realise that postponing our mutual long-held dream of seeing a lot more of the world may not come to pass when the DC leave home, presumably when we're in our early 60s. Who knows what our health or life will look like then. So, we are acting on our shared passions right now, not putting them off.

DH earns a big salary, I am a SAHM by choice. We purposefully bought a pleasant but modest home outright, no mortgage, although DH's salary could have enabled us to secure a mansion on a whopping mortgage of 3x his income. But we chose to live well below our means, to save for old age and for the unexpected, to save for the DCs' future and to travel with little ones in tow. We do two short and one long haul trip a year (DH is self employed and can organise his annual leave to please himself). We have made our priorities, they may change, but for now we provide for our DCs but also for our own emotional well being, we don't sacrifice the latter.

I find that the key for me is having a partner who shares my dreams and priorities, and when he doesn't, is prepared to listen and to make adjustments to align himself with my needs, and I do the same in return. I am keeping my work skills 'warm' but in a generic sense, I have a feeling I will enter a different sector when I am ready to work full time again. I feel confident that I can shape my future as I want it to be. I wasn't always this optimistic and 'can-do'. I had a dear friend (one of those who died too young) who always seemed 'lucky'. Then I realised, she was no more lucky than anyone else, she was just immensely opportunity-minded. Things came along and she saw the possibilities in them and seized them and made them work for her. She was pro-active and always saw the glass half full. That was a huge inspiration to me.

Twolittlemonkeys you might yet get some enjoyment out of acting/drama, though, even if it is just seeing wonderful plays or actors you have always wanted to see, or doing a course, or doing am-dram. Very few people get to be on the telly or mega well-known, but there's still lots of fun to be had.

My husband accepted he wasn't going to do his dream job aged about twenty (he still tells himself this was for medical reasons, not because only a handful of people on the planet do it :)). But it's now his hobby, he shares his enthusiasm for it with young people/ people with disabilities/sets up training courses, set up a school's club about it and does lots of events with the general public. He also hangs out with other who love the subject as much as him (thank goodness, as it's dull for me!)

Of course he feels wistful on occasions, he would have loved to have done his dream job. But doing all that other stuff reconnects him back with his younger self and he loves it.

I think women are often bad at making their own time in families. They prioritise their husband/partner's hobby, their children's hobbies, but what about their own hobbies? It doesn't have to be a hobby as in specific interest, my hobby is chatting with my friends, going for coffee and socializing. I don't get to do it as much as pre-children but I don't see why my needs would be completely ignored in the family- not a priority, but not ignored either. So, I do expect my husband to help me go away for a weekend or see a friend if they come to town, just as I help him with his hobbies that take up time and energy.

This probably a very controversial question I know but do any of you actually wish you had chosen NOT to have children. I mean much as I adore my dear little girl and wouldn;t scratch her out of history now for anything I sometimes wish I'd been brave enough to buck convention and say "nope, kids are not going to be part of my life plan".

I am not at all a 'self help lit' fan, this book may sound to be in that genre but it is actually written by two established Jungian analysts and I've found it hugely helpful to me.

'Living your unlived life' by Robert Johnson and Jerry Ruhl, 2007, Penguin.

The sub-title is 'Coping with unrealised dreams and fulfilling your purpose in the send half of life'

I like the way in which they frame such angst as many seem to be suffering on this thread, not as something to suck up and womanfully soldier on through, but as a useful poke in the ribs, something to be welcomed, to wake us up, call us to attention. Apropos BoffinMum's example of her colleague's sad resignation of his racing driver career ambitions, rather than dismiss such a dream as ludicrous from the start, as one might do, I would ask that chap to break down what it is about being a racing car driver that so fired him up. That's what Johnson and Ruhl get you to examine. Not to relinquish dreams per se but to get to the very nuts and bolts of what it is about that fantasy that so speaks to you. Is it adventure, risk, speed, others' admiration and attention, what is it that in its essentials is switching you on? I find StickWithIt's post very wise, she has boiled down what really gives her pleasure and actually, it's often very very achievable.

Another example, from Johnson and Ruhl, the classic mid-life urge to have an affair, is in many cases more often about fear of ageing, fear of loss of sexuality, of becoming invisible etc etc and there are ways to answer those deep anxieties and needs without jumping the bones of the first (probably highly inappropriate) person one encounters. For some those deep needs might be better answered by the focussed overhaul of personal image, dressing better and walking tall, feeling visible and desirable again after a long stint in dowdy, self-deprived motherdom. I have a friend who, in her early 50s, has for the first time taken up amateur ballroom dancing. She's having a blast, loves the performance aspect of glam frocks and loads of slap, the camaraderie, for her it works, it fulfils deep needs, makes her feel vibrant and powerful and more 'herself'. It's not about telling one's self to get a grip and batten down one's 'unrealistic' fantasies, it's about being kind to one's self, listening, really listening, and then thinking hard and creatively about how to go about fulfilling that need in a way that doesn't rip yourself or those who depend on you apart.

sorry, typo, 'second half of life'

but SnowInMay, you still need to have a dream! That's the bit I struggle with. The only dream I can come up with is my two DCs reaching adulthood as self-sufficient individuals capable of supporting themselves. I'd vaguely like to go travelling - but it is just a vague idea. I don't feel passionate about it. I can't think of a job or career that I'd really love to do. Those of you who have passions - where do they come from? What makes you really want to do stuff?

I like my mediocre life, I only wish I could enjoy it more. Like so many families we are struggeling financially. It is becoming very wearing to deny ourselves meals out, trips to cinema, the odd treat, new clothes etc etc. That, for me, is the drudgery.

On the whole, living in a 3 bed semi, dh who works, myself who works part time, two school age children, it is allfine. Albeit mindnumbingly 'normal'.

Some money for the odd treat or theatre trip or weekend away would break up the mediocreness nicely.

Bugsy, when you were ten, what did you want to do more than anything in the world, or what did you do then that gave you huge joy? Our childhood can often give us the answers to what really makes us switch on and feel joy and total immersion in something, deep interests are often long abiding and first began in some form in childhood. Before we became over-adapted, super sensible, and shut down as 'unrealistic' a lot of hopes and desires - as most of have to do in early adulthood, but the underground seam of self can re-emerge later on if coaxed out into daylight .

Do you get any time just to womble, to muse, potter, let your mind wander free, to fantasise, if you go for a long walk do you end up in a reverie about being the CEO of a multinational or winning an Olympic medal in show jumping? Such 'crazy' thoughts might give you clues, not to be distracted and put off by the outer form of the fantasy (which may seem and feel embarrassingly nuts and unachievable) but to listen to what it represents at a deeper level, IYSWIM.

SnowInMay, I think that's the problem, I can't really remember what I wanted to do. I always did what I was told. I'm not one to cast blame on my parents, because at the end of the day I'm 42 and in charge of my own destiny - but most of my earliest desires were to keep my mother happy & therefore off my back. I was never encouraged to think what I might like to do, I was only ever encouraged to do what my parents wanted me to do. When my mind does wander, I am curiously blank about my own aspirations. I get panicky when people say "if you could do anything, what would you do?" because I don't know!

most of my earliest desires were to keep my mother happy & therefore off my back

Oh, I am soooo feeling your pain there Bugsy. My mum is a star in many ways but had a breakdown when I was about 7 after the death of her mum and ever since has suffered from varying degrees of phobia, hypochondria and general neuroses. She has a real issue with people she loves being away from her.

As a result I came to the conclusion that going to Uni or travelling would be too much of an ordeal for both of us, and for my poor dad who would be left to deal with the fallout.

So when DH came a long, a few years older and better set up than other guys I'd dated, and proposed within weeks, I decided to make a bloody good go of the semi-detached suburban thing.

15 years later I feel like I have woken up from a very long sleep and need to start again, but time, circumstances and money are no longer on side and now my days are mostly spent trying to keep DH, DD and the olds happy .

An tbh - I'm crap at doing semi-detached suburban - it's so 'not me' it's not funny!

I am curiously blank about my own aspirations. I get panicky when people say "if you could do anything, what would you do?" because I don't know!

Wow - that really reasonates...

Likewise....

I actually went on a coaching course where they get you to take five dreams and image how they might have panned out and how you saw yourself if they had suceeded. I think I only managed 2 and a half ..... (and those were 'borrowed' if that makes sense). I do know I want recognition, but at what?
And, Dum, I am so with you on the suburbia thing, every time I do the school run I want to stab myself :)

School run - euuurrrgh! The having to constantly fit in with society's/other people's expectations and demands - it's like being on a sodding treadmill.

We are all on school hours in our house so everything revolves around term time/school holidays.

Then there's all the keeping up with the Joneses, friends, DH's siblings - seriously who needs it?

this thread has really got me thinking about all sorts of things. One thing that a business/life coach once had me do (which seemed a bit childish and trivial at the time but lots of fun!) was to go through a bunch of magazines and cut out any pictures that resonated with me.

I wasn't to give it too much thought, just go with instinct. I then had to paste them onto a large sheet of paper which sort of became my happiness board. It was fascinating how this random collection of images really did sum up a lot of my dreams and gave me real insight into what made me happy.

Worth a try for anyone struggling to figure out what their dreams are. In fact I think it might be time for me to do another one for me.

i like StickwithIts list.

Very simple & achievable. it also shows to me the difference between happiness as in pleasure and satisfaction.

i would say i get a great deal of satisfaction from life but very little pleasure. i am a very driven person but sometimes it is like a beast inside me that does not care for my welfare......WHATEVER I DO IS NEVER ENOUGH!

so i am good at achieving but absolutely terrible at relaxing, doing something purely for enjoyment etc.

i have learnt to accept that never being satisfied is part of what motivates me....onwards...& a lot of the time i am not sure exactly where. but this constant battle is my version of enjoying the journey of life.

i would however like to turn it off sometimes.

reading this thread has made me wonder if achieving your 'dreams' is actually what makes you happy. i would like more fleeting, pointless-yet-joyful moments. so i am going to put together a list (oh i love a good list) of things to do that have no other purpose than make me happy.

In 9 years time both DCs will have done their A levels & won't need me like they do now. My parents will either be dead or so elderly that I will no longer be constrained by any view they may have & I'll be 50. Hopefully in good health & the world at my feet - what to do? I just need to find that dream, passion or whatever it is that motivates other people!!!! Might have to start another thread about where passion comes from.

I can resonate with people who have lived out their parents' expectations rather than their own. I did say I was 'over earnest' as a young woman! Much much more focussed on garnering praise from my parents than seeking my own individuation. They always despised travel, thought it a total waste of money, never ever went on one holiday all my childhood. So dutifully I denied myself even the thinking about holidays. Friends' deaths in quick succession caused a true total nervous breakdown in me. Had ceased to function, went into therapy for 3 years. A big watershed was going from shrink asking me who i was (my answer, empty space, an absence that other people walk right through) and what my dreams were (another total panicky blank, had never been permitted to dream, let alone formulate any actual dreams) to having a clear idea that I am someone who loathes one sort of music/food/entertainment but who likes another type. Sounds daft but I truly had absolutely no sense of self, no idea what my tastes, interests, values might be. And also, the first time my shrink put a travel brochure in my hands, I just sat and shook, physically shook. I was so overwhelmed, I felt I wasn't even allowed to open it, to begin to hope, to dream, let alone to plan an actual holiday. I thought the sky might fall in, it felt cataclysmic. But I did open the magazine and then I just wept and wept and wept, to be given permission to begin to live out what mattered to me, not to my parents.

So from that ramble, just to reassure, that one can go from way less than zero to being a person fizzing with ambitions and dreams and the energy and focus to make them actually happen.

Two things

To have no responsibilities, no connections is to be seperate - not free

Never compare your inside to someone else's outside

I would go into a blind panic if asked 'what would you really like to do' as I just don't know.

I too have always lived my life to my parent's expectations and am still doing so, even now aged 40. I life my life according to how it 'ought' to be done (3 bed semi in suburbia, 2 kids, 1 dog, 1 hamster, 1 husband) and I hate hate hate it. Mostly because there is no money to make it 'fun'.

But then, even if there was more money, how would I make the 'ordinary' fun and extraordinary.

Dh and I dream of selling up and buying a b&b somewhere or even try to go self-sufficient on a small holding. But then we think 'the dc are in good schools, we are not doing to badly' etc etc. We are majorly risk-averse and due to this we are trapped in this suburban hell.

Fuck.

Did not realise how hacked off I was until I started typing this.

Snow, really interesting to hear what you went through. Do you mind me asking if you are still in touch with your parents? How long did it take for you to find your ambitions & dreams? Was the therapy howlingly painful?
I had about 6 months of therapy (1 hr sessions once a week) when ex-H left me & it was useful - but bone-crunchingly, heart-breakingly painful. I discovered I am a pleaser, trying to make everything right for everyone. I've toughened up at work - but am still piss poor at not trying to please friends, family & bfs. The only close relationship I have where there is genuine integrity on my part is with DCs. I am not even sure I have integrity with myself if that makes sense. I don't feel fucked up, I live a very capable, functioning life - but I can't help feeling there is something missing!

Interesting that a lot of people seme to carry on becuase the children are in good schools, and its a good life and it would be selfish and all that. Ds askes me why I can't be happy and why I don't smile more so I suspect he wouldn't give a flying whatever if I dragged him off somewhere as long as I was happy...... (Jez that is crap isn't it? Do I really wnat my child to think being an adult = being miserable?)

Bugsy, I certainly don't have all the answers figured out but I'm enjoying the on-going process as it unfolds.

Currently, not in contact with parents. Not forever, just for now, until I am much more practised in my own 'voice' and choices, their negative criticism was just so overwhelming and flattened me entirely.

Therapy was the worst (and best) thing I have ever done. Hideously painful. Sorry to be blunt!

I agree with those up thread who say that a satisfying life is a mix of ordinary diurnal pleasures and the occasional fulfilment of longer term aims that one has been nurturing and working towards.

My mother always mocked my efforts at domesticity. Now that I am a SAHM, which I consider to be a job, albeit an unpaid one, I take it seriously, not to crazy lengths, but I took myself to cookery classes, joined a gardening club and now I derive great daily pleasure in making delicious healthy things for my little family and in growing much of our own fruit, veg and flowers. I love my garden and my home. I thoroughly enjoyed chucking out all the hideous antiques my mother insisted on foisting on me from various junk shops that she haunted, and now daily stroke my Modernist Scandinavian designed furniture from ARAM with small bursts of enormous pleasure! I also really enjoy reading, visiting exhibitions, attending concerts (all 'total wastes of time' according to my parents), and am slowly introducing the Dc to these enjoyments which makes me fizz with enthusiasm and excitement, to share what makes me tick with them. Nothing fancy, but it's a life that I am making on my terms, no one else's and it feels 'right'. Deeply so.

I've been through lots of ups and downs, bouts of extreme happiness and excitement and bouts of really hard times that have driven me to search for something else in life.

I came out the other side of all of it with a daily yoga practice, of all things. By living out my dramas, disappointments, achievements and troubles "on the mat", my real life feels contented, even and manageable, even when things get tough or boring. It's now easier to accept the things I can't change and act on the things I can. I have more confidence about my aging body and more clarity of thought. I sleep and eat better.

I still have bad and difficult days but they're fewer and further between. I live much more in the moment and much more with the belief that everything will turn out all right.

I recommend it.